


Helena

by rsheinse



Category: 20th Century CE RPF, Real Person Fiction
Genre: Alternate Universe, Columbine, F/F, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-02-07 23:30:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 106,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21466315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rsheinse/pseuds/rsheinse
Summary: Helena Beckenfort is a 16-year old girl living in Littleton, Colorado. In 1998, she’s a junior attending Columbine High School with her closest friends Julie, Evan, and Jeremy. She lives an ordinary life and comes from a loving family. She’s inexperienced with most things, as a teenager would be but she’s ambitious and an old soul, and has her goals set for a bright future. She’s not aware of how her life is about to change forever after getting to know Eric Harris.
Relationships: Eric Harris/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 59
Kudos: 92





	1. Beckenfort

**July 1998**

‘’God, I hated her!’’ I rolled my eyes and laughed a little, before stuffing my mouth with another bite of Big Mac.  
  
‘’She was…special,’’ my mother said, obviously using mild words for my childhood tormenter. Tiffany from preschool, a terrible little rugrat. She grabbed another fry.  
  
‘’One time she bit you! She bit your upper back! Left a mark for weeks,’’ she exhaled, shaking her head. ‘’I could have killed that child then and there,’’ she chewed the fry and flared her nostrils.  
  
I grinned. ‘’You should have,’’ Then my mother’s eyes went soft as she if got distracted by something. Me leaving, for instance.  
  
The airport was quiet, not to our surprise considering the early hour. Big Mac was worthy as a substitute for a sandwich. Back in the States, another year of high school awaited; junior year. I wasn’t too excited, nor was I hating it. Seeing my friends was what I looked forward to most, especially my best friend Julie. Partner in crime, sidekick, fellow conspirator - you name it. And then there was Jeremy and Evan, of course.  
  
I’d only spent half of summer in Sweden this time and I was beyond ecstatic to go back to the States and spend the rest of it with them. Don’t get me wrong, I love Sweden and visiting my mother and older brother, but I’d spent most of my life growing up in Colorado hence my longing to go home.  
  
My mother, Agneta, born and raised in Falun, Sweden. In 1971, she went to college as an exchange student in Colorado, and correct; that’s how she met my father.  
My father, Roger, a Littleton local. Both he and my mother are fifties kids, although my mother is a year older. They’re warm-hearted, good people, but their marriage didn’t make it. No reason for it, that’s just how it works out sometimes, as my father nicely put it anytime it was brought up. To be honest, I don’t believe him. But on the other hand, I never saw any struggle between them.  
  
I threw out the last of my Zingo and walked up to my mother who was a few steps ahead of me. She’d stopped to glance through all the one trillion signs to decide where I was going to check in my bags.  
  
‘’It’s always the same place, mom,“ I sighed.  
  
‘’Right, here it says,’’ she pointed up to the sign with number ‘24’ and went on her way. She was always more stressed out than I was. There was something about her and airports that wasn’t meant to be.  
  
Her beige linen pants flowed elegantly as she marched towards the check-in. She is beautiful, I’ve always thought so. I’ve inherited some of her beauty, for sure, but I would always admire her constant graciousness. In a way, she reminds me of Princess Diana. Although, let’s not forget she could be a real headache, too. Would she even be a mother if she wasn’t?  
  
After my bags were checked in, and the tickets were in hand, we hugged for five minutes straight.  
  
‘’Min älskade, älskade unge,’’ she yearned. ‘’I love you so much,’’  
  
I hugged her tighter and even though I wasn’t an easy crier, my eyes sure were burning now.  
  
She let go. ‘’Now, you promise to call me as soon as you get back to Roger’s house, is that clear?’’ She had a tight grip on my arms, locking her big blue eyes with mine.  
  
I hugged her again, breathing in her sweet perfume. ‘’Cross my heart.’  
  
  
Eleven hours and two layovers later, I ran into my father’s arms as soon as I saw him.  
  


‘’My girl,’’ he murmured, kissing my forehead. He kept me arm-length to have a good look at me.  
  
‘’You’re a little more sunburnt than last time I saw you,’’ he smiled, creasing the laugh lines around his eyes. My dad Roger has a round, familiar face, gray stubble, and chocolate-brown eyes. He always looks pleased and friendly  
  


I smiled from ear to ear. ‘’It’s good to be back home. I missed you.’’ With puffy eyes and weary head, I still managed to sound overjoyed.  
  
Like back at the airport in Stockholm, it was quiet. It was late at night, or extremely early in the morning, depending on how you wanted to see it. My dad picked up my bags and we made our way out of the building. The air outside was typical for a night in July, warm and humid. Clear sky, full of glistening stars.  
  
All packed, we took off in the Jeep and as I watched the tipi-looking roof of DIA, a warm, pleasant feeling grew in my stomach. Tomorrow I’d meet up with Julie, Evan, and Jeremy. We’d talked about it since before I even left, eager as we were. It would be a hangout (party) at Julie’s place since her parents were out of town, and school didn’t start until another three weeks. The monotonous sound of our car’s tires moving down the highway made me drowsy, so after a while, I lost the struggle with keeping my eyes open and drifted off to sleep.  
  
**  
  
I slowly opened my eyes and immediately put my hand up to my face to shield them. The sun made my room practically beam. Certainly not in a pleasant way. The blanket felt sticky to my body even though it was only a sheet, and I could feel the sweat breaking out on my forehead.  
  
‘’Jesus,’’ I panted and crawled out of bed. The room felt like 400 degrees and I kicked myself for not opening a window before I crashed last night. At least I’d remembered to give my mom a call, or she’d called the cops by now.  
  


I slouched down the stairs and was met by another bright light streaming through the windows. The whole house was bathing in sunlight. I made my way to the kitchen and almost tripped over Figaro in the process.  
  
He meowed and rubbed against my leg.  
  
Figaro is your typical tabby house cat, a little husky and a cuddle bug. My parents adopted him from a shelter when I was little. Oh, the joy when I saw him for the first time. He was still my baby peanut.  
  
After eating breakfast and feeding Figaro I took a long, well-deserved shower. I studied myself in the mirror as I combed through my caramel blonde hair. It needed a cut since it was way past my shoulders now. I like how I look, though I have my days where I just want to stay in bed and not interact with people whatsoever. Round face; smiling green hazel eyes; a scooped petite nose; my lips are plump and my skin is fairly clear. And during the summer, I always have a tan and freckles.

I’m bare-faced most of the time due to my lack of interest in putting on make-up, but today I decided to apply some mascara.  
  
I almost poked myself in the eye when dad knocked on the bathroom door. ‘’Did you eat breakfast?’’  
  
‘’Jesus Christ, dad! You scared me,’’  
  
‘’Oh! Sorry,’’ Pause. ‘’I’m making pancakes, thought you’d want some’’ I sighed and smiled at my reflection. Though I was still full from breakfast, it wouldn’t kill me to keep him company. We were close. Not closer than me and my mom but we can talk about pretty much anything.  
  
‘’I’ll be down in a minute,’’  
  
**  
  
Day went by fast. The sun was melting hot and I took some time soaking up vitamin D in the backyard. I helped dad cut the grass, did some gardening and washed the porch, still glutted with pollen since spring. Our house is a well-kept single-family ranch, on the corner of South Marshall Street, that my parents bought when I and my brother were little. Oh, that’s right, I have an older brother, Kristoffer. He lives in Sweden, though and we’re not close.  
  


‘’When is the get-together tonight?’’ Dad lowered the Denver Post to look at me. I snorted at his choice of words to describe the party.  
  
‘’Julie said be there at six, so let’s say five-thirty,’’  
  
Dad looked at his wristwatch. ‘’Better get ready then,’’ he said. I looked over at him from behind my shades. He raised his arm as if to show me the time. ‘’It’s already four pm,’’  
  
The heat from the sun really got you confused with time. It could’ve been lunchtime still. I loved these mid-summer days. Days never ended, the temperature never went below 65. Littleton sure wasn’t the place for somebody like me that worshipped the sun and warmth, but summer days like this made the winters worth the suffering.  
  
After taking shower number two of the day, I raided through my closet to find something not too hot, not too cold; [a yellow floral sundress](https://lp2.hm.com/hmgoepprod?set=quality%5B79%5D,source%5B/22/74/227472e9696ad6bddddc2cd98fe180401cb8c1e0.jpg%5D,origin%5Bdam%5D,category%5Bladies_dresses_shortdresses%5D,type%5BDESCRIPTIVESTILLLIFE%5D,res%5Bm%5D,hmver%5B2%5D&call=url%5Bfile:/product/main%5D) to go with my white Superga sneakers. I brushed through my hair one last time before letting it fall loose over my shoulders. Mascara; check. I grabbed a cardigan on my way out of my room. Dad reminded me about the curfew even though I was staying at Julie’s for the night and then I was out the door.  
  
The way to Julie’s place was a 15-minute drive and I looked forward to listening to some music in the car to get in the mood. At the point when I’d reached the turnoff to Deer Creek Road, ‘’In my mind’’ by Antiloop blasted out of the speakers.  
  
A few cars were lined up on Julie’s driveway. One of them I recognized as Jeremy’s pickup. A wave of anticipation spread in my stomach; you know the one that feels like an electric tickle. As soon as I turned off the car, I could hear the music coming from the house. See, Julie’s parents are rich. They live in, and I can’t stress this enough, a jaw-dropping contemporary mountain house. Her dad works as a corporate counsel and her mother is a well-known pharmacist in town with her own pharmacy.  
  
Suddenly, the door flung open.  
  
‘’Baby!’’ Julie came sprinting towards me. We met halfway and embraced each other in a tight hug, almost choking each other. Julie is a doe-eyed sweetheart and my best friend since first grade. She twirled me around.  
  
‘’You look fucking hot!’’ She laughed. She herself wore black linen pants and a black spaghetti strap top, with slinky sandals and her brown, silky hair in a messy bun. ‘’I’ve missed you to death,’’ she pecked me lightly on my cheek. Julie is usually kind of shy; she doesn’t like to stand out. Even though she is one of the more ‘popular’ girls at school, she’s won’t use it to her advantage. Humble and down-to-earth, my Julie.  
  
Jeremy walked up to us from behind. I gasped and hugged him. ‘’I’ve missed all of you!’’ I mumbled with my arms around Jeremy. ‘’Is Evan here?’’ I took a step back and looked around for his car. They both looked pained. Before looking at me, they looked at each other like they’d spoken a thousand words without speaking at all.  
  
‘’He couldn’t make it,’’  
  
My smile faded. I felt heavy-hearted. ‘’Is his dad okay?’’  
  
‘’Terry’s in rough shape,’’ Jeremy’s handsome face was weighed down with worry, I could tell. ‘’He had to stay home. Look after him,’’  
  
Evan was one of my closest friends. We’d been inseparable since elementary and we always looked out for each other. His father, Terry, had had problems with alcohol for as long as I could remember. Also one of the reasons his mother left, which subsequently made it worse.  
  
‘’You should give him a call someday now that you’re back,’’ Julie said.  
  
‘’Of course,’’ I mumbled. I looked down at my feet. ‘’I didn’t know,’’  
  
‘’It’s alright baby, let’s have a good time tonight, for Evan,’’ She put her arm around me and brushed my arm with her hand as if to warm me. Drinking alcohol tonight felt both bittersweet and inappropriate, I thought, as I eyed the cups in both Julie and Jeremy’s hands.  
  
**  
  
The evening went on and more people showed up throughout. A bunch of familiar faces from school, and people they knew; and people that the people knew. I was back in a pleasant mood and so was Julie and Jeremy. The party was going well; people were making out, people were dancing to the tunes of ‘Semi-Charmed Life’ by Third Eye Blind, enjoying themselves. Julie and I sang our hearts out. Jeremy and I danced. I stood short compared to his six-foot I realized when he twirled me around. My body felt warm and fuzzy from the alcohol.  
  
‘’Helena! Come meet someone!’’ Jeremy yelled from across the living room. My eyes searched for him in the crowd. I found him, standing next to a slightly taller, lanky kid. He wore a black baseball cap on backwards, black band t-shirt and jeans that looked too big for him. I smiled at them both in confusion. His eyes flicked across the room as if he tried to avoid any eye contact. He looked extremely out of his element.  
  
‘’This is Dylan, my co-worker at Blackjacks,’’ He gestured towards him. ‘’Dylan, this is Helena,’’ I now gave Dylan my full attention, reaching my hand out for a handshake. He had a thick nose, long chin, and hooded blue-gray eyes. His blonde hair stuck out from under his cap.  
  
‘’Nice to meet you!’’ I realized how overly excited I seemed. Yes? Hello? Alcohol speaking.  
I like shaking hands - it’s mature and polite.  
  
Dylan seemed to be looking at a ghost. He reluctantly shook my hand, as if it was the most strained thing he’d done in a while. ‘’Dylan,’’ He murmured, before shying away. This made me even more eager to talk to him. My normal response to peculiarity.  
  
‘’Have I met you before?’’ He looked familiar, though I couldn’t really point him out.  
  
‘’I go to Columbine,’’ he puffed out his chest and crossed his arms as if he got a sudden rush of confidence. Then he went back to his hunched posture. Again, I smiled. I smiled to try to compensate for his shyness.  
  
‘’Oh!’’ I exclaimed. ‘’I don’t think I’ve seen you in school,’’ I admitted. He smiled weakly like he understood exactly what I was talking about. Was he in a higher grade? He must be.  
  
‘’Dylan!’’ A new voice yelled from somewhere, interrupting my thoughts. Dylan seemed to change his demeanor entirely to a more relaxed one as soon as a much shorter guy joined us. He looked similar to Dylan; dark clothes, band t-shirt, and black army pants. He didn’t wear a cap though and had a spiky look to his hair. Then he faced me and we locked eyes. I caught a peek of him discreetly checking me out before I looked away. This kid was completely different from Dylan. He radiated confidence and self-awareness all at once. He did not shy away.  
  


‘’Hey, Eric, what’s up,’’ Jeremy acknowledged the new kid and seemed to know him. They exchanged phrases.  
  
‘’Eric, Helena,’’ Another introduction. ‘’Helena, Eric,’’ Jeremy searched for confirmation in my eyes.  
  
Eric smirked. ‘’Nice to meet you, Helena,’’ He reached out and we shook hands.  
  
‘’You too!’’ I smiled and looked over at Jeremy. ‘’You want more punch?’’ I asked and grabbed his cup. He said no, but I went for the kitchen anyway. The alcohol was really starting to affect me now, racingly fast.  
  
I was met by an incredibly drunk Julie, singing on top of the kitchen counter.  
  
She changed tune as soon as she saw me, to a Swedish song I’d shown her once. ‘’Heeelena, soum en fjaril,’’ Her pronunciation made me burst into laughter.  
  
‘’Damn girl, you suck,’’  
  
‘’Shut up!’’ She got off the counter and walked up close to me.  
  
She leaned in, whispering in my ear. ‘’Michael is here tonight,’’ I casually turned to look for him but he was obviously in another room. Michael is Julie’s crush since freshman year. He’s a senior graduate and buff as a bear, but a friendly one. Her parents didn’t approve of him though since Julie is two years younger, as am I.  
  
‘’Then go for it, _cherie_!’’ I whispered.  
  
She took it as a challenge, gulped down the rest of her drink and stomped away with a purpose. I snickered to myself.  
  
I turned to re-fill my cup and accidentally elbowed someone in the process. I stumbled to the side. ‘’My bad!’’  
  
There he was again. Eric. We stood close face to face now and he was definitely taller than my five foot four.  
  
‘’Is that any good?’’ He asked, referring to the fruit punch.  
  
‘’Hey, you,’’ I said and started chugging. I did not need that drink. ‘’Mhm,’’  
  
‘’Are you okay?’’ His accent was a bit different. And he smelled of fresh linen with a hint of cologne.  
  
I locked eyes with him again. And hell, was I drunk. ‘’Hey, did you know your eyes are really beautiful,’’ I said as I leaned in closer to him, my sight getting blurrier by the minute.  
  


He took a step back, smirking.  
  
‘’Thanks,’’ He looked amused. Then he grabbed me by my shoulders as if to check on me. ‘’Are you sure you’re alright?’’  
  
I ditched my cup on the counter and shook my head. ‘’Hmm, you know what,’’ The alcohol roiled in my stomach. ’’No…not really,’’  
  


**  
  
Next thing I remember is someone tucking me into bed. Someone leaving the room. Then I dozed off.


	2. Honda Prelude

‘’Helena, wake up,’’ I felt a light nudge on my shoulder before opening my eyes. It was daylight, and I was still wearing my clothes from last night. Then I was greeted with the worst headache of my life.   
  


On the bedside table sat a glass of water and on the floor was a (thankfully) empty trash can. How and when the hell did I get here?  
  
‘’Oh holy,’’ I whined as I sat up, squinting for dear life. I was in Julie’s room. And she was there, only in the bathroom. The door was open. Yes, she has her own bathroom.  
  
‘’I’m not drinking ever ever ever again,’’ she cried. I held my head in my hands and laughed.  
  
‘’Now how many times have you said that?’’ I asked and slowly dragged myself out of bed. I had foggy memories from last night but the important part was that I’d had fun. That I remembered.  
  
‘’Did Jeremy stay?’’  
  
Julie emerged from the bathroom, looking like something the cat had dragged in. I burst into laughter.  
  
‘’Oh honey have you looked at yourself in the mirror,’’ She tiredly exclaimed, slouching towards me. I flipped her off.  
  
‘’Jeremy went home, I think that dude Dylan drove him,’’  
  
‘’Hm,’’  
  
**  
  
The house was a mess. We stood on top of the stairs, looking down at the living room. Used cups, bottles, cans, plates. I leaned onto the railing.  
  
‘’Just a small get-together huh,’’  
  
She grabbed a broom, I grabbed a bin bag and we started with the kitchen. We took a breather every now and then to drink water and pant. You know how when it feels like you have trouble breathing? Yeah, that’s how bad the hangover was.  
  
When we were finished picking up the worst, somebody called the house phone. The shrieking noise made us both cringe. Julie picked up the receiver at once.  
  
‘’Julie speaking. Oh hi - Mr. Beckenfort. Yes, she’s right here,’’ She handed me the phone.  
  
He wasn’t mad, just worried. He’d been calling with no answer a couple of times. It was past noon so I fully understood his concern. I reassured him we were okay and that we’d been up really late last night. Deep down, I knew that he knew that this ‘get-together’ had involved alcohol. But I was brought up that way - I’d have to experience things myself, learn my own lesson.  
He trusted me as long as he knew where I was. Although he reminded me a couple of times that I’m only sixteen and I should be more careful. Then we hung up.  
  
The house looked decent after cleaning up. Luckily, nothing was broken or lost. The patio in the back looked alright too, except a few cigarette butts here and there.  
  
‘’Jeremy was watching you all night last night. Like he never lost you out of sight,’’ Julie said with her mouth full of bread. We sat at the kitchen isle, eating late brunch. I furrowed my brows.  
  
‘’What’s that supposed to mean?’’  
  
‘’Ya know,’’ she did a little dance in her chair and smirked. ‘’He’s into you,’’ I sighed.  
  
‘’Nooo, don’t say that’’   
  


Due to my lack of experience with boyfriends or romantic relationship at all, I felt uncomfortably unaware. I saw Jeremy as a friend and it had never struck me before. Julie had had boyfriends, so magically she just knew. A look; a smirk, body language. I was oblivious. Usually, when a guy was nice to me I figured he was just that - being nice.  
  
‘’Babe, you’re stunning,’’ She cupped her hands over mine. ‘’You’re smart, funny, down to earth, laidback,’’  
  
‘’Okay okay okay, stop,’’ I said and put a finger in the air before she could continue.  
  
‘’Do you honestly don’t see it?’’  
  
‘’See what?’’  
  
‘’Jeremy!’’  
  
‘’He’s just being nice,’’   
  
Julie shook her head with a grin like she couldn’t believe it.  
  


‘’This conversation ends now,’’ I said and smacked my hand lightly on top of the counter to emphasize my words.  
  
‘’You won’t be able to ignore it forever though,’’ She slid off the chair, walked over to me and gave me a peck on the cheek.  
  
The conversation did die out after that and we just put all the groceries back in the fridge without talking.  
  
5 p.m. My old Audi was the only car left in the driveway. Next to Julie’s shiny white 1992 Acura Legend, my car represented a potato. Julie and I hugged and exchanged good-byes and then I was off.  
  
When I got home, only Figaro greeted me at the door. My dad had left a note on the kitchen table saying he was over at the Robinsons’ to help with their car. The Robinsons’ are an elderly couple that lives just a few streets away from us. Dad had worked together with Walter Robinson before his retirement some years back. In exchange for helping out with their car, he always stays for dinner.  
  
After having a shower and change of clothes, I decided to sit in front of the computer. Julie had given me it for my birthday last year when she got a new one. I wasn’t super into computers but it was good practice for computer class I know I’d have this coming term.  
  
I stared at the loading Windows 95 logo forever. The big gray box that was the computer made gurgling startup sounds. Then I was logged in. A bunch of stuff popped up on the turquoise screen and Julie had told me I could change the background to any picture I wanted. I hadn’t bothered.  
  
She’d also introduced me to AOL. A web portal where you could instant chat with anyone from anywhere. Best thing since sliced bread (and e-mail). I logged on, thinking maybe Jeremy was online, or Julie. Then suddenly, a pop-up window. A new friend request from ‘Rebdomine’.  
  
I stared at it for a second, before clicking ‘Accept’. AOL immediately let me know one of my ‘Buddies’ were online. REB DoMiNe. Who was that?  
  
**REB DoMiNe:** hey  
  
My heart jumped. Damn, I was not used to computers and the fact that people could actually see you online. No delayed emails or letters - it was like they were there in the room with you. Intrusive but exciting.  
  
**Helena1982: **Hi, whos this?  
  
_Typing…  
_**  
REB DoMiNe**: i believe we met yesterday.  
  
I furrowed my brow.  
  
**Helena1982: **at the party?  
**REB DoMiNe:** heh maybe you dont remember  
  
My hands hovered over the keyboard. This was a whole new level of frustration - not being able to see the face of the person you were talking to, yet they knew you.  
  
**Helena1982:** i gotta admit i kinda blacked out last night. very embarrassing. dont judge.  
  
**REB DoMiNe:** heh i see =]  
**REB DoMiNe:** i’m Eric, Dylans friend. your friend Jeremy introduced us  
  


The memories came back to me. I’d been introduced to that tall, lanky kid last night, I remembered. And then someone had joined us, named Eric. And he’d asked if I was okay. And then…  
  
**Helena1982:** wow im so sorry about last night. i hope i wasnt too weird or anything  
**REB DoMiNe**: thats alright  
**REB DoMiNe: **you were nice  
**Helena1982: **how so?  
**REB DoMiNe:** well you went on about the color of my eyes and how nice they were and other things  
  
I let out an embarrassed snort, covering my face with my hands. ‘’Oh my god,’’  
  
**Helena1982:** wow you must think im a loony  
**REB DoMiNe**: ive met worse heh  
**REB DoMiNe:** i guess the water came in handy the next day then  
  
Wait a damn minute…  
  
**Helena1982:** you put that there? along with the bucket?  
**REB DoMiNe: **yep.  
**Helena1982: **wait you tucked me in too?  
**REB DoMiNe:** yup. heheh  
  
I’d never been this mortified in my life. Well.  
  
**Helena1982: **thank you for that! that was very sweet of you, really  
**REB DoMiNe: **ah its nothing  
**REB DoMiNe: **i mean its what youre supposed to do  
  
I smiled at the screen.  
**  
Helena1982: **i mightve asked you this already but what grade are you in?  
**REB DoMiNe:** starting senior year in august  
**Helena1982: **you go to columbine too?  
**REB DoMiNe: **yep. best school ever heh….not really  
**Helena1982: **how come ive never seen you before?  
**REB DoMiNe:** hmm not sure i mostly keep to myself i guess. I know your friend Jeremy though. through dylan  
**Helena1982:** right! fair enough  
  
I figured he couldn’t be very ‘popular’. The social codes at Columbine were ridiculous. You could be as normal as anyone and still, jocks picked on you. I’d been picked on a few times but since I know Jeremy and Julie, that makes me a ‘higher ranked’ person. I’m also considered attractive. Apparently, that have guys act out some kind of weird courtship display like animals around you. Unsettling.  
  
‘’Helena?’’ My dad called from downstairs. He was back from the Robinsons’.  
  
Shit. ‘’Yeah,’’ I answered and peeked at the time on the computer. 6.47 p.m.  
  
**Helena1982:** i gotta go. it was nice talking to you! and thank you again.  
  
I meant that.  
  
**REB DoMiNe: **can i call you sometime? or we could hang out someday if you want to  
  
I bit my lip, thinking. Then I typed out my number. And clicked ‘Send’.  
  
My dad knocked on my door at that same second. I closed the window and turned off the computer.  
  
**  
  
Next day I woke up feeling much better. I was reminded that this was only my third day back. July 27th. Two weeks left to school. I stared up at the ceiling, trying to find the right reason to get out of bed. Julie was that reason. We were on the phone for a whole second before she told me to get dressed.  
  
The weather outside was sunny, so I put on a pair of Levis shorts and a t-shirt. I had a deep tan by now, but not to the point where it looked unhealthy. I’m overall toned. You can make out previous years of track on my body.  
  


I snuggled with Figaro and chewed down a muffin on the go before walking out the door.  
  
‘’We could grab a pizza at Blackjacks,’’ Julie said as she took a right turn onto Pierce Street. ‘’I know Jeremy’s working,’’  
  
‘’Let’s not,’’ I warned her with a look. ‘’Are your parents back in town?’’  
  
‘’Not yet, they’ll be home Friday I think,’’  
  
I remembered my conversation yesterday, with Eric.  
  
‘’Hey, you remember that kid with spiky hair at your party? Eric,’’ Julie kept her eyes on the road. Then she shook her head.  
  
‘’Not really, why?’’  
  
‘’Guess what,’’ I adjusted myself in the seat and leaned in. ‘’He somehow got my AOL from somewhere, and when I started the computer last night there was a friend request from him,’’  
  
Julie glanced at me now.  
  
‘’Is he cute?’’ I rolled my eyes.  
  
‘’That’s not the point, Jules,’’ I leaned back again. ‘’The question is where he got my screen name from, like who gave it to him,’’ Couldn’t have been Jeremy, could it? If what Julie had told me was true, then why would he give another guy my screen name. I let it go.  
  
‘’So what did you talk about?’’ Julie was listening in now. She loves this kind of stuff, especially when it’s about me because she finds it funny how inexperienced I am.  
  
I smacked her on her arm. ‘’You just assume I accept random guys online,’’  
  
She gave me another smug look like she just knew. Defeated I was.  
  
‘’Fine,’’ I rolled my eyes, ‘’Not much. Just what grade he’s in and school stuff,’’ I left the part out where he’d tucked me into bed, brought me water and somewhere to throw up. I didn’t know why I did that, I never did that. Not with Jules. I told her everything.  
  
‘’And…?’’ I could see the hope in her eyes.   
  
I smiled. ‘’Alright, fine. He asked for my number,’’ I held my breath. ‘’And I gave it to him,’’  
  
Julie gasped. I raised my eyebrows. She put both hands on the steering wheel and did that little dance she always does when she’s excited about something, making her brown ponytail bounce around. ‘’Attagirl!’’  
  


‘’And yeah, he’s kinda cute,’’ I finally admitted to the both of us.  
  
**  
  
When I arrived back home, the answering machine had a message. It was from Evan;   
_‘’Hey, Helena. Sorry I missed your call. I think you know. Call me. I promise to pick up this time.’’ *click*_

  
I called Evan back immediately. We talked for over an hour about everything. His dad was in the hospital so there’s where he spent most of his waking hours. I said I’d come visit someday. He politely begged me not to. My heart was heavy for him and his dad. I know my parents tried helping him a couple of times but eventually tired when he never took their advice and didn’t bother with encouragement to seek help.  
  
After hanging up, I went to the kitchen for left-overs. Dad had brought roasted meatloaf from Robinsons’ last night since Mrs. Robinson always insisted I’d have some. It sure was good meatloaf.  
  
As I was putting away dishes, the phone rang. I dried my hands off before picking up the receiver.  
  
‘’Beckenfort residence,’’  
  
‘’Hey, this is Eric, Eric Harris,’’ He sounded less confident than at the party. A little nervous even. I leaned against the doorframe.  
  
‘’Eric - hi!’’  
  
‘’This is Helena, right?’’  
  
I smacked myself on the forehead. ‘’Oh sorry, yeah, it’s me,’’

‘’So I was thinking maybe you’d want to hang out and eat an ice-cream?’’ He blurted it out like he wanted to get it over with already. It was the purest thing. I don’t know what I’d expected but it sure wasn’t this. I gaped.  
  
‘’It’s great weather for it,’’ He added. I started nodding.  
  
‘’Uh,’’ Oh my god. ‘’Sure!’’  
  
Naturally, I was still mortified by the fact that he’d seen me drunk out of my mind like a goon the first time we’d met.  
  
I could hear how relieved he was. ‘’Where do I pick you up?’’ I gave him my address and directions.  
  
‘’Ah, I know where that is, it’s just across Pierce street,’’ I was surprised by that. ‘’I will be there in 5 minutes,’’  
  
I hurried to check myself in the mirror. I had no make-up on, as usual, but I suddenly felt self-conscious for some reason.  
  
Within five minutes, and not a minute more, a Honda pulled up out front. I left a note for my dad on the kitchen table before stepping foot outside.  
  
I felt nervous walking towards his car. From inside, I heard muffled music pumping. I could only see the silhouetted outline of his profile from the distance.  
  
I opened the passenger door and got it. He instantly lowered the volume.  
  
We glanced at each other for a second before I let out a nervous snicker.  
  
‘’Hi,’’  
  
‘’Hi,’’  
  
‘’Nice car you got here,’’ I said as I looked around the interior. I’m into cars. I help my dad with his car or my car whenever I can.  
  
He looked down, up and back.  
  
‘’Thanks, it’s old but it works alright,’’ He adjusted himself in his seat. His arm was hanging out the open window on his side. We both awkwardly nodded in unison before he started driving down the street. I couldn’t help but notice the thick sticker he had on his rear window.  
  
‘’Rammstein, huh?’’ I was leaned up against the door so I had a better view of him. He shot me an eager look.  
  
‘’You know Rammstein?’’ He paralleled his glance between me and the road.  
  
‘’Sure, they’re pretty good,’’ I shrugged and smiled. His face lit up with a smile.  
  
‘’Wow, you’re one of few girls I’ve met who likes them,’’ He exclaimed and seemed surprised, but wickedly pleased. ‘’That’s very cool,’’  
  
‘’Where I’m from they’re pretty famous,’’ I said and thought of Sweden. ‘’I know some people who listen to them,’’  
  
He looked confused. ‘’You’re not from Colorado?’’  
  
‘’My mom’s Swedish. So I’m half Swedish,’’ I explained. ‘’I go there every year in the summer for a month or two,’’  
  
‘’That means you’re half Viking,’’ he laughed. I laughed along with him.  
  
‘’Oh, that’s stereotypical,’’ I said challenging, one eyebrow raised. ‘’Sweden is not really what you think. For example, we don’t have polar bears,’’  
  
Eric gasped. ‘’Oh man, I’m so disappointed now,’’ He sarcastically shook his head in disbelief. ‘’How am I supposed to ever recover from this, puh!’’  
  
Goofy.  
  
We arrived at the parking lot after an awkwardly quiet car ride and bought ice-cream at Baskin Robbins. That’s where I work part-time, so we got a discount. (Discount on ice-cream is important stuff).

  
We sat outside on a bench in the sun, finishing the last of our sundaes. They were melting fast. We talked about everything. His dog Sparky, my cat Figaro. His parents, my parents. School. Music. Movies. People. He made me relax. And he made me genuinely laugh.  
  
‘’Do you believe in aliens?’’ He asked me bluntly. I thought it was a funny but interesting question. No one had asked me that before.  
  
‘’Of course,’’ I cleared my throat. ‘’I mean, we can’t possibly be the only species out there,’’ Even though my answer is cliché, that’s what I believe. And the look on his face told me that that was the answer he had wished for.  
  
‘’Right,’’  
  
Silence.  
  
He was leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, fiddling with a twig.  
  
‘’I have to admit,’’ he started. ‘’I didn’t think you would actually hang out with me, so, I’m kinda taken aback here,’’  
I studied him. His t-shirt looked too big for his thin figure. Today he had on blue jean shorts that went down to his knees. His nose and cheeks were rosy from sunburn.

‘’How so?’’  
  
‘’Ah well, girls usually ignore me,’’ He explained.  
  
‘’That’s their loss then,’’ I quickly stated. ‘’You seem like a really nice guy,’’  
  
He threw the twig and looked back at me.  
  
‘’Thanks,’’  
  
As I didn’t know him yet, I couldn’t exactly read the expression on his face, but he seemed vulnerable.  
  
‘’And I really mean that not just saying it,’’  
  
‘’I believe you,’’ He promised as he sat up straight and we were face to face. He had that confident smirk again, the one he’d had at the party.  
  
We decided to leave and he told me he had to be back home and take care of Sparky, his dog. He explained he suffers bad seizures sometimes and needs to be looked after and his parents were leaving for a shorter trip to his grandparents today.  
  
We pulled up at my house. My dad was not home yet hence no car but mine in the driveway.  
  
There was a strained moment. You know, when you’re not really sure how to act and you’re thinking too much, you’re just terrified of saying something weird and you accidentally might blurt out whatever random that comes to mind.  
  
He spoke first.  
  
‘’I hope I didn’t bore you too much,’’  
  
‘’Oh, it was the worst!’’ I fake-bulged my eyes and tried my best to act repulsed. Then I smiled. ‘’I’m kidding, I had a really good time,’’  
  
He chuckled, and so did I.  
  
‘’Me too,’’  
  
We flicked our eyes around and at each other nervously, the way only teenagers can.  
  
He took a deep breath. ‘’Dylan and his friend and I were thinking of seeing a movie Friday. Would you like to go with us? If you want,’’ He was flushed but he still managed to keep a smirk.  
  
I bit my lip and smiled before I nodded. ‘’Yeah, I’d like that!’’  
  
He seemed eased, but incoherent as if he didn’t understand I actually agreed to go.  
  
‘’Alright,’’ I exhaled as I reached to open the door. ‘’I’ll see you Friday then,’’  
  
He looked interrupted like there was something we wanted to say or do but seemed to brush it off just as quick.  
  
‘’Bye, Helena,’’  
  
‘’Bye,’’  
  
On my way to the front door, I discreetly peeked over my shoulder to see his car accelerate down the street. Once I was inside the house, thought were racing in my head. I definitely had a feeling I would like this guy. Maybe a little too much? I was frustrated over how new everything felt. Sure, I had a boyfriend in middle school but that was it. Don’t get me wrong, guys have wanted to date me and some at school are cute, but I always had my mind on other things.  
  
I thought of Julie and decided to give her a call. No answer. Hmm.  
  
My stomach roared and I suspiciously looked at the time. 5:49 pm. I hadn’t eaten dinner yet and my dad still wasn’t home. I knew there’d be nothing in the kitchen to eat either. Then there was a hard knock on the door.  
  
I was met by a beaming Julie. With a pizza.  
  
‘’Oh my god, is this heaven? Are you an angel,’’ I gasped and she brushed past me. I shut the door. She strutted to the kitchen to put the pizza down on the counter.   
  
‘’Home delivery,’’ She sang, seemingly pleased with herself. ‘’Get it while it’s hot,’’ She did a goofy imitation as she looked for plates in the cabinets.  
  
‘’I now fully believe you’re psychic and that we’re connected through brainwaves,’’ I joked as I opened the pizza box, breathing in the sweet smell of pepperoni and melted cheese.  
  
‘’Um no, I’ve just been calling you for the past 2 hours,’’ She huffed. ‘’So I figured you were asleep, as usual,’’   
  
‘’So you went and got pizza and came here,’’ I filled in. She did a proud gesture.  
  
I turned to give her a side hug. ‘’Aww my god, I fucking love you,’’ 

She put her arm around me to hug me back.  
  
‘’You should, buddy,’’ She gave me a light smack on my butt. ‘’Now, let’s eat,’’  
  
**  
  
After we’d finished eating we went to my room. Julie sat on my bed with Figaro snuggled up in her lap and I was knocked out on the floor on my back, full of pizza and impressions.  
  
‘’You were on a date?’’ She emphasized the last word, almost yelling it.  
  
I hushed her since my dad was back home and in the living room downstairs, watching quote; a very important game.  
  
She wheezed. ‘’A date? Helena - on a date?’’  
  
‘’That’s not what I said,’’ I snickered. ‘’He called and asked me if I wanted to eat an ice-cream, and we went,’’  
  
‘’That Eric guy?’’  
  
‘’Yes,’’  
  
‘’What bothers me is I don’t even know what he looks like, or who he is for that matter,’’ Figaro purred away in her lap, making air-biscuits, completely unbothered.  
  
I raised an eyebrow at her. Julie could be superficial sometimes, and I didn’t like it.  
  
I sat up and leaned on my arm.  
  
‘’We’re seeing a movie Friday,’’  
  
Julie’s eyes bulged open and then she grinned. ‘’Really?!’’  
  
I nodded. ‘’Not alone though, he’s bringing his friend and someone else,’’  
  
‘’What a buzzkill,’’ She groaned.  
  
I quickly got up, grabbed a pillow on the bed and goofily tossed it at her face. Accidentally, it landed on a sleeping Figaro and made him bolt across the room from pure shock. Poor Figaro.  
  
We both bent over laughing.  
  
  
Time passed and we messed around all evening; prank calling; putting ugly make-up on, stupid dance-offs in front of the mirror. Julie ended up staying the night and we both dozed off around midnight.


	3. Saving Private Ryan

July 31st. A Friday. The Friday. I woke up early, for the first time in weeks and ate breakfast for over an hour. Alone this morning too, since my dad had to work. He rarely took time off and worked throughout most summers, with exception for a week or two off in August. It had been that way since I could remember. He simply enjoys work and that’s that.

  
Today was cloudy, and the temperature had dropped a bit during the week. Now, I’d had enough sun for a whole year this summer due to it being a very hot one, so a little cool, crisp mountain air couldn’t hurt.

  
I was unusually antsy this morning. I’d almost dropped my bowl of cereal; spilled water all over the kitchen floor and dropped an egg, which Figaro had eagerly regarded as a treat. I’d tried to catch up on my reading but I couldn’t find the right light; I was sweating; then I was too cold; my back hurt; the couch was too uncomfortable. I gave up.

  
Eric and I had talked on AOL a few times over the past days. He’d called too, and we talked for an hour. Dad’s brown eyes had followed me skeptically when I put the receiver back down in the kitchen. Eventually, I’d have to tell him I was talking to a boy.

  
It might come off as he’s never home and doesn’t care, and just works all the time but that’s not the case. We eat dinner together almost every night, we talk a lot and on Saturday he and I are going to Julie’s place. Our parents know each other well and they’re good friends, to me and Julie’s delight.

  
**

  
As I didn’t seem to be able to relax, I started getting ready earlier than I’d planned. A quick shower; the endless drying of hair then mascara.

  
I looked carefully through my closet to find the best pair of jeans I owned, to go with a plain white crew neck t-shirt. I’m definitely a jeans and t-shirt gal, simply because I like the classic look of it. And it goes with any shoes or jewelry. I decided to put on my silver stud earrings. My hair looked shiny and healthy, always a few shades lighter during summer.

  
An hour passed, and suddenly it was 4:54 pm. He’d be outside any minute and I was more than ready, almost jumping-up and down-on-two-feet-ready.  
I’d just finished writing my regular ‘’I’ll be home before curfew’’-note for dad when there was a swift knock on the door. My heart did a hard ‘badunk’ as it literally skipped a beat.  
I swooped around and almost tripped over myself as I went for the door. And there he was. He swung around when I opened and immediately fixed his eyes on me.  
‘’Hello,’’ He proudly grinned, with his hands awkwardly on his hips. He looked different from the way I was used to. He had on a black and white plaid shirt, with a white t-shirt underneath tucked into his blue jeans. His hair was spiked. An almost preppy look, compared to his usually darker clothes.

  
‘’Hi,’’

  
His eyes cautiously peeked behind me, and inside the house.

  
‘’Home alone?’’

  
I smiled as I crouched to tie my shoelaces. ‘’Yup, my dad’s at work, as usual,’’

  
I stepped out and locked the door, and we walked side by side down the cemented pathway to his car. It was empty and I presumed we’d probably meet up with Dylan and his other friend at the movie theatre.

  
When we reached the car, he opened the passenger door before I could. I gave him a look and curiously cocked an eyebrow.

  
‘’Why thank you, sir,’’ I goofed as I stepped in.

  
**

  
The town had a colder look to it today, and it passed by in a dull blur outside the windows. We had the windows rolled down to let the breeze in and I took a deep, silent breath. Screw the goddamn butterflies; I had a whole swarm of bees in my stomach right now. I smiled to myself.

  
‘’What?’’ He chuckled questionably like he’d missed the joke. I darted my eyes at him. I hadn’t noticed he was observing me.

  
‘’Oh,’’ I chuckled. ‘’I’m just enjoying this,’’

  
He shifted his eyes between me and the road with a mischievous smile. In a flash, he stomped the gas, making the engine rev and the car went from 40 to 70 in a matter of seconds. I shrieked with excitement.

  
As we reached Bowles Avenue, he took a sharp right turn into the parking lot and stopped abruptly in an empty space amongst at least 30 other cars. The theatre seemed to be packed tonight.

  
‘’Jesus!’’ I laughed and pushed the hair out of my face. My hands were sticky with sweat. Not from fear; but from adrenaline.

  
‘’Wasn’t it fun though?’’ He grinned.

  
‘’I see we have a thing in common,’’

  
‘’Driving fast?’’

  
‘’Um, definitely,’’ I nodded. ‘’I’m all sweaty now,’’

  
We both laughed and got out of the car after rolling up the windows.

  
**

  
As I’d foreseen, the theatre was buzzing with people. The smell of buttered popcorn was everywhere. Eric patted on his legs with his hands and pulled up his wallet from his back pocket. He pulled out two tickets.

  
‘’Eric,’’ A voice called from behind us. Eric and I both spun around at the same time.

  
The first guy I immediately recognized as Dylan, and beside him was a new face. They both had black baseball caps on, but Dylan was definitely the taller one. His clothes looked pretty much the same; black band t-shirt and jeans. The other kid wore a white t-shirt with green camouflage pants and laced boots. He was laughing as if Dylan had just cracked a joke.

  
They approached us and greeted each other with boyish humor, and the new kid gave me a funny look. Then he looked at Eric; then me again. I suddenly felt self-conscious.

  
‘’You’ve met Dylan,’’ Eric said.

  
Dylan gestured a ‘’hi’’ with his hand. He looked way more relaxed and in his zone than the first time I’d met him - outgoing even.

  
‘’This is Dustin,’’ Eric referred to the other guy and we shook hands.

  
‘’Helena, nice to meet you,’’ I smiled.

  
He peeked at Eric with a devious smile before he courteously met my gaze. ‘’Likewise,’’ He winked.

  
Subconsciously, I moved closer to Eric.

  
We stood there and talked for a while before it was five minutes left until the movie started. Eric showed our tickets to the ticket taker guy and our small group moved together towards salon four.

  
Eric bought one big popcorn for me and one for himself and two Cokes.

  
When we were seated in our assigned chairs, sipping our drinks, the salon went dark and the previews started. The loud surround system startled me and had I not swallowed just seconds before I would’ve choked. I realized I didn’t even know what movie we were seeing. I guess I had my mind on other things.

  
I peeked over at Eric. His face was dully lit by the flashing light from the screen. Dylan and Dustin were throwing popcorn at each other, laughing.

  
With the popcorn propped up in my lap, one hand reaching for popcorn, I let my other hand fall beside my legs in the chair. Carefully, I felt Eric sneak his hand in mine and gave it a light squeeze. My heartbeat accelerated. I squeezed back, then I looked over at him again. He had a smirk on his face now, still looking at the screen.

  
The Paramount Pictures sequence played out and the salon fell silent.

  
**

  
Saving Private Ryan was definitely a good movie. Eric, Dylan, and Dustin had a heated discussion about guns and the WW2 as we made our way out of the salon. I couldn’t really contribute to that conversation much. I hate guns.

  
We ended up by Eric’s car in the parking lot.

  
‘’That was definitely not an M3 though,’’ Dustin inhaled as he took a drag from his cigarette.

  
Eric was leaned against his car with his arms crossed over his chest. ‘’I’m telling you it was,’’ He assured with his eyebrows raised.  
If I’d known him better, I’d say he wasn’t a happy camper at the moment. Dylan and I glanced at each other.

  
After talking for a while, we said goodbyes and Eric and I got in his car. He sighed as he started the engine and drove off.

  
I studied him, hugging my backpack in my lap. ‘’You okay?’’

  
He continued watching the road. ‘’That dude is really annoying that’s all,’’

  
‘’Is it about the guns?’’ I asked.

‘’Yup. He knows I know a lot about guns but he just keeps arguing,’’

  
I was puzzled. ‘’I’m sure it’s not that serious,’’

  
He still didn’t look at me. We were cruising down Pierce St now. During the time we’d been at the movies the sky had cleared and was now burning red from a gorgeous sunset; shifting in pink and purple. Golden hour.

  
‘’Hey,’’ I exclaimed. ‘’It’s fine,’’

  
He finally glanced at me, squinting with a frown. His eyes glowed in the light from the sun and made him look slightly intimidating. Although I wasn’t intimidated one bit, so I grinned at him.

  
‘’Put on some of that KMFDM you’ve been telling me about, I wanna hear some,’’

  
His hard expression seemed to ease. Without a word, he reached for the stereo and turned it on. Obviously, a KMFDM-cd was already there. The song started with someone dialing a phone then voices talking to each other. The music pumped with a decent beat. ‘’We got the power; got the power.’’

  
Eric was immediately influenced and bopped his head to the beat; barely noticeable though, like a child who doesn’t want anyone to see he was defeated. Eric peeked at me, clearly in a better mood.

  
‘’This is good,’’ I called out. ‘’Has a nice beat,’’

  
Eric smirked. ‘’Their lyrics are real good too,’’ He sounded passionate. ‘’This is an old album though. They have a new one from last year,’’

  
We were close to my street now.

  
‘’Can I take you to a cool place? Or do you need to go home?’’ He glanced between me and the road, slowing the car down.

  
‘’Can I see your watch?’’ I asked.

  
‘’It’s 8:48,’’ He said with a smirk.

  
I wasn’t supposed to be home for another one and a half hours.

  
‘’Let’s go then,’’ I got comfortable in my seat and Eric sped up again, passing my turn.

  
**

  
I knew we were going up the mountains as soon as Eric took a turn for Deer Creek; the same road to go to Julie’s. The sun was hidden by now, behind the walls of the red rocks surrounding us. But it didn’t stop the light from casting a mesmerizing glow over the landscape. I’d seen it many times before, driving to Julie’s, but I couldn’t get enough of it. I soaked in every minute of it.

  
Eric stayed en route and we continued on Cougar Road. Then he slowed down a bit as we passed by a long gated driveway to the right.

  
‘’That’s Dylan’s house,’’

  
I turned in my seat and peeked through the window. Wowza. Almost as incredible and pompous as Julie’s house, the house sat right next to a towering red rock. Huge windows; modern designed.

Not that I was super impressed by things like expensive houses; expensive cars and other stuff, but it sure was a stunning house.

  
We passed Julie’s house at one point and I was reminded about the party and how I’d actually met Eric. I laughed.

  
‘’Did you really put me to bed?’’ I leaned towards Eric in my seat. He looked puzzled at first, then he realized where we were with a smile.

  
‘’Sure did,’’ He took another grip on the steering wheel. ‘’Your friend, uh, Julie,’’ He glanced at me and I confirmed with a nod.

  
‘’She was pretty out of it,’’ He continued. ‘’And she had her mouth full,’’

  
I bulged my eyes, then I burst out in an embarrassed laughter.

  
‘’Damn, that came out wrong,’’ Eric laughed. ‘’I mean, she was making out with some guy,’’

  
I buried my face in my hands.

  
‘’Oh my god, thank you for that mental image,’’

  
‘’That was bad, sorry,’’ We continued laughing.

  
‘’I’m gonna have real talk with her, alright. She didn’t even tell me this,’’ I was slightly baffled. Eric and I looked at each other for a second, then at least I, looked away.

  
It was darker outside now. Due to the lack of source of light up here, the stars were bright and crystal-clear on the navy blue sky. The hard pumping music was a harsh contrast to the breath-taking scenery.

  
‘’Almost there,’’

  
He pulled off to a narrow bumpy road, surrounded by hovering pine trees. Only the headlights were guiding us through the dark now. A few meters ahead there was an opening and it seemed as we were driving up towards the stars. When we reached our destination, we were parked on a similarity to a plateau, only smaller, overlooking a wide area of mountains, forests, and lights from the city.

  
I had to catch my breath. ‘’I’ve lived here my whole life and I never knew about this place..?’’ I opened the door just as we took a full stop, and stepped out. The silence was deafening. I had goosebumps all over, and I’m not even sure it was because of the chilly air.

  
I heard Eric shut the car door.

  
‘’Careful with the ledge there,’’

  
I automatically looked down, and sure, it’d be quite a tumble, to say the least. I snuck back a step and bumped into Eric; also stepping on his foot.

  
‘’Ah, sorry!’’ I laughed as I turned and apologetically put my hands on his shoulders. His face was dark and I could barely make it out. I took a step to the side and we both went to sit on the warm hood. I hugged myself. I should’ve known to bring a sweater; this is Colorado.

  
‘’First, you elbow me now and you step on my feet, jeez,’’ He said with a funny voice and I thought I could make out a smirk.

  
‘’Way to get your attention, huh?’’ I sounded a smile.

  
He exhaled a laugh. ‘’Yeah sure, that’s exactly how you got my attention,’’ I bit my lip to hide a grin.

  
I took a deep breath and pinched myself over this immense view in front of us. I couldn’t quite grasp it. I bent my head back to stargaze, and all the constellations were there tonight.

Suddenly, Eric put his arm around my shoulders, hugging me close. I was freaking out a little - I was not used to this, but at the same time, it was the most natural thing in the world. I leaned onto him. His warmth was like a heater to my bare arms.

  
I fixed my eyes on his profile. He was deep in thought, taking in the view. My heart was beating so fast I could almost feel it pop out of my chest and I hoped to God he wouldn’t notice. Then it all happened.

  
He gazed at me and wet his lips, our faces only inches away from each other. I leaned in quickly before he could, and our lips met. It was soft and warm. I felt the heat from his breath as our tongues intertwined. He smelled amazing and tasted even better. The kiss was clumsy yet perfect.

He brushed his hand through my hair; pushing me harder into the kiss. My whole body tingled, screaming at me to go on as we both pulled away. I could swear my blood was boiling at this point. Hot and flustered - I exhaled, breathing still heavy.

  
Then he kissed me again. Goosebumps spread all over my body. From out of nowhere there was a loud digital beeping coming from somewhere behind my ear. Eric’s clock, I thought, and I laughed into his mouth. Oh my god.

  
‘’Fuck,’’ He hissed, pulling away. He frantically pushed the button to shut the alarm off. It said 9:15.

  
Even though it was almost pitch dark, I could swear his eyes burned a hole in mine with desire. I was reasonably craving too. The ultimate teenage hormonal rush.

  
After some silence, the intensity wore off and we both chuckled. Eric shook his head in disbelief. He slid off the hood, and then helped me off.

  
‘’Shit, I have to get home,’’ I sighed. Before we got in the car, Eric pulled off his plaid shirt and put it on me.

  
‘’If I was blind, I’d guess it was winter, brr,’’ He exclaimed and started the engine and revved it. ‘’We have to get the heat up in here,’’

  
It was true, there was literally no sign of summer left except the green landscape, and most likely it was down to 50 degrees already. That’s mountain climate for ya.

  
Down the confined bumpy road, we went again, and I looked over my shoulder to get a last glimpse of the scenery before it went out of sight.

My heart was still beating two times faster than usual. I pulled the shirt closer to me and crossed my arms to keep the heat.

  
‘’Feeling any warmer?’’ Eric asked and I turned my head to nod. He looked kind of frozen himself wearing only a t-shirt now.

  
‘’Thank you,’’ I smiled and adjusted myself closer to him in my seat. The warmth from the air vent gently whisked in my face.

  
I’d kill to know what he’s thinking right now, I thought. His eyes looked hazy and pensive. He sure was a kid of few words, but so was I. Most of the time.

  
‘’How do you know about that place?’’ I was genuinely interested in knowing.

  
He peeked over at me. ‘’Me and Dylan found it. It wasn’t easy though, it’s well hidden,’’

  
‘’Did you drive there or walk?’’ I thought about all the wild animals up here in the mountains. Black bears, cougars, snakes. I shivered.

  
‘’It was actually me, Dylan and Tom - Dylan’s dad. He wouldn’t let us go alone, ‘cause of the animals,’’

  
I listened in.

  
‘’We went there - uh - a few times ourselves after that,’’ He chuckled as he remembered. ‘’But then there was one time when we accidentally met with a bear and we fled for our freaking lives,’’ He thought it was exceptionally funny.

  
I gasped. ‘’Seriously? And that’s where you take me,’’ I laughed and lightly punched his arm.

  
He grinned. ‘’That’s why I take the car now,’’

  
‘’Well, fine - I’m still glad you brought me there I guess,’’ I fake-pouted and gave him a stare.

  
“Oh c'mon, you don’t think I could fight off a bear?”

  
“Not really,” I teased. “Because then why did you run the first time?”

  
“Man…” He chuckled. “Alright, case closed,”

  
**

  
We were right on time as we pulled up outside my house. I could see light through our kitchen window, meaning Dad was watching T.V. in the living room. The rest of the house was dark.

  
‘’Which one is your room?’’

  
I turned to Eric, then I turned back and pointed at the upstair window on the left. ‘’Right there,’’

  
‘’I’d love to see it sometime, looks nice from here,’’ Eric was leaned over to see through the passenger window when I looked back at him again.

  
I arched a brow. ‘’What if it’s all pink and girly? Would it freak you out?’’

  
His face was just inches away from mine. ‘’Probably, yeah,’’ We both laughed. I reached for my backpack. Eric stepped out of the car before I did.

  
He came around to my side just as I shut the door and walked with me to the door. I got a little nervous. What if my Dad saw us? But, what would it matter.

  
We stood close on the front porch, facing each other. There was no sign of movement from inside the house, yet. As I’d hoped, he kissed me, but just a soft one on the cheek this time. Then he gave me a bear hug. All his scent hit me with full force and I hugged him tighter. Again with the swarm of bees in my stomach.

  
Then there was a muffled thump inside, and footsteps coming towards the door. Eric quickly pulled away and I nervously laughed. In that same moment, Dad unlocked the door and opened it. Eric and I gawked like two deers caught in headlight.

  
‘’Mr. Beckenfort - I’m Eric Harris, nice to meet you,’’ Eric immediately took action and reached out his hand. I was frozen, trying to read my Dad’s expression as he took a good look at Eric. Then he smiled and I could finally breathe again.

  
‘’Nice to meet you, Eric. I’m Roger, Helena’s father,’’ Dad looked over at me approvingly. ‘’As you might already know,’’ He added.

  
Eric stood straight and put his hands on his hips in a confident stance, smirking away. ‘’Yes, sir,’’

Not that I know him that well, but I could tell he was under some pressure.

  
Pregnant pause.

  
‘’Did you guys have a good time? What movie did you see?’’ He scratched the back of his head.

  
‘’Saving Private Ry-’’ Eric and I accidentally spoke at the same time. We snickered.

  
I continued. ‘’The movie was really good, Dad. Saving Private Ryan,’’

  
‘’Oh, the new one with -’’ He snapped his fingers. ‘’What’s his name?’’

  
‘’Tom Hanks,’’ Eric added.

  
‘’Right!’’

  
Alright, that was enough small talk for all three of us, and as if Dad had read my mind he excused himself; the game was back on from commercial.

  
‘’Good to meet you, Eric,’’ He gave Eric a quick smile and stepped back into the house, leaving the door open a few inches.

  
Eric looked at me with a huge grin and I smacked him lightly on his arm. ‘’Your Dad’s cool,’’ he teased.

  
Then he leaned in to politely kiss me on my cheek again. I looked down at my feet, blushing.

  
‘’Goodnight,’’

  
‘’Goodnight, Eric,’’ I answered and stepped inside. He lingered on the porch for a couple of seconds, gazing at me, until he turned around and walked back to his car.

  
I slowly began closing the door and he cheesily turned around again to take a last look at me.

I rolled my eyes and finally closed it shut.


	4. I Bet So

August 8th. Last Saturday before the first day of junior year; everyone back in town from vacation, and last but not least, the ‘’junior assembly party’’. Not quite an exclusive event, though. No parents, no teachers but definitely a lot of alcohol. I’d promised Julie the week before to go with her. Jeremy was going too, and even Evan. So I figured why not.

The week had gone by fast. I’d helped Dad around the house; spoken to my Mom over the phone for hours, telling her how much I missed her. Julie and I hung out for a couple of days. Eric had been busy most days, helping his parents, and when he called I’d been out. Julie cussed me out for not having a pager.

Evan had called earlier today, asking to hang out before the party. We had no idea who hosted the party, but we knew where to go, obviously. At five pm, he knocked on the door. I lunged myself down the stairs, almost running into Dad on his way to get it.

I almost shrieked when I saw Evan standing on my porch. We embraced each other in a tight hug.

‘’Boy, have I missed your face,’’ he exhaled. I took a step back. His big, brown eyes looked weary but he had a huge grin on his face. His short dirty blonde hair was messily styled. He wore a black t-shirt with big white Nike emblem on it; blue jeans and Nike shoes. He looked slightly tan, even though he loathes the sun.

I tried not to look too sad, considering the circumstances with his dad Terry. ‘’Come in!’’ I stepped aside and he brushed past me.

‘’Evan!’’ My Dad exclaimed. I turned around after closing the door and saw Evan embraced in Dad’s arms. Evan isn’t too big of a guy. He’s average buff; standing at five foot nine.

Evan and Dad talked for a bit and I stood by. Terry was back home, doing a lot better - thank God. I wanted to ask him about everything.

We went upstairs to my room and I continued curling my hair; Evan sat down on my bed.

‘’Have you heard anything from your Mom?’’ I glanced at him through the reflection in the mirror. His eyes were on me already.

‘’I tried calling her several times, but she couldn’t care less about Dad, I just know it,’’

‘’She’s not even picking up?’’

Evan shook his head. _What a bitch._

‘’I’m so sorry, Evan,’’

‘’Ah, don’t worry about it. We’re doing fine,’’ He waved his hand.

‘’Are you still at that construction job?’’

He fiddled with his fingers.

‘’Nah, I got a better one down at Keller Bros, the auto repair. They actually like me there,’’ He snorted.

‘’I’m happy for you,’’ I smiled and turned around. ‘’They were really shitty to you at that other job,’’

My hair was finished anyway, so I turned the iron off and went to sit on the bed with Evan. I leaned on my arm.

‘’You excited for today? I’m not too stoked, honestly,’’ I admitted and scrunched my nose. Evan smiled back at me.

‘’It’s funny how you’re pretty even though you do that thing with your nose,’’

I blew him a raspberry.

‘’Nah, I don’t know,’’ He shrugged. ‘’It’ll probably be great once we’re there. I’m looking forward to seeing Julie and Jeremy the most,’’

‘’Oh - you haven’t met them yet either?’’

‘’Nah, I actually just got back from the hospital like two days ago, so no,’’

‘’Jesus, Evan. That’s no life. We’re not even eighteen,’’ I locked eyes with him. I felt bad for him, and his Dad too. But honestly, that was no life for a teenager to have to deal with on his own. I was pissed at Terry, but at the same time I wasn’t. I knew Evan didn’t care too much for himself; his dad was the priority. Eventually, that was gonna bite him in the ass.

‘’I know,’’ He looked exposed.

‘’Alright,’’ I put a hand on his knee. ‘’What do I wear?’’

I grinned, and so did he.

As Evan was laying on his back with his hands comfortably behind his head, I showed him piece after piece, running back and forth to the bathroom to change. He mostly sighed, telling me all of it was fine. Thanks for the help, male friend.  
  
I finally decided to wear a red strap top to go with a pair of blue jeans. I put on a thick black headband to push my hair out of my face. For makeup, I applied mascara and even lipstick in a suitable shade.

‘’Tada,’’ I goofed as I entered my room again after the final change.

‘’Yo, finally,’’ Evan joked. ‘’Thought you were gonna change clothes all night,’’

‘’Bite me,’’

**

As the evening approached, Evan, Dad and I ate dinner around six o’clock, which was perfect since we were leaving at seven. The mood was seemingly light-hearted and upbeat at the kitchen table. We all joked about stuff me and Evan had done as little kids and Dad showed us some pictures from elementary. He even got a little choked up about how grown up we were now, starting junior year and all.

We helped Dad put away the leftovers and said goodbye before we stepped out.

‘’I trust you both,’’ Dad had called out after us as we walked to the garage to get my car. Both Evan and I knew that meant - for an old man’s sake, be careful.

Once we were settled and ready to go, I backed us up and accelerated down the street. The stereo blasted _Erase/Rewind by The Cardigans_ on full volume as we reached Pierce St.  
  
From what we heard, the party was held at some random rich kid’s house. Apparently, the house was huge and they even had an outdoor pool. In Colorado, that is rare.

Not much to our surprise, the house was located in Roxborough Park; a whole neighborhood with big, expensive houses. Beautiful location, too.

At arrival, I parked by the curb a few meters away. Before even stepping out of the car, we heard the music vibrating from inside the house. People were everywhere; on the lawn; on the porch; on the upstairs porch. It was a balmy evening, so a lot of the girls were wearing little to nothing. Evan and I looked at each other in misery.

‘’To war,’’ He grunted and put up a fist in the air.

I laughed. ‘’To war,’’

We got out and the first thing I saw was Julie’s Acura pull up and park behind us. I waved frantically at her and Jeremy in the front. In the back was Austin, Cristi, and Emily. Austin I knew from elementary, but the girls were just classmates. Julie was good friends with them both, though. I thought they were too obnoxious.

‘’Evan! - Evan!’’ Julie shrieked as she galloped towards us. Jeremy looked directly at me with a smile. For the first time ever, this made me uneasy. I hadn’t seen him since Julie’s party and undeniably, I knew about his secret now.

We embraced in a tight hug. ‘’I haven’t seen you in forever,’’ he smiled. His grey eyes admired me. His chocolate brown hair was a striking contrast to them.

I chuckled. ‘’Two weeks is not forever,’’

‘’I said what I said,’’ he promptly decided and put his arm around my shoulders. I returned the gesture by putting my arm around his waist, and we all walked towards the house as a group.

Every kid from class was there, even some sophomores. The popular and accepted ones. I acknowledged the gym bag full of clinking bottles Austin was holding.

‘’Told my Mom I was going to the gym,’’ He cackled and waved the bag around. We all laughed.

Jeremy, Julie, Emily and I entered the front door, darting our eyes around. Several people I knew were scattered around the house; foyer; kitchen; living room, all laughing, singing, dancing and talking. The foyer was huge and modernly furnished. It led all the way to an open plan living area merged with a gigantic modern kitchen. Standing in the foyer you could see the back patio through the living room. A wide wooden stair led to the second floor. Everything went in white; even the decorations.

‘’Dang, what Stepford wife lives here,’’ Jeremy wheezed. I poked his side.

‘’This girl Nicole. She’s a cheerleader at school, her boyfriend is Brad Brunaugh,’’ Julie wheezed back. We all nodded as soon as we heard the name Brad; also known as possibly THE worst jock ever. The jock of jocks.

‘’Don’t you hang out with Brad, though? You should know,’’ Julie asked Jeremy.

Jeremy snorted. ‘’Well yeah, but this isn’t Brad’s house,’’

Julie gave him a sour glare and then we moved further into the house. Eventually, Jeremy let go of me, bro-hugging every single dude in the place, and I ended up together with Julie and Emily. Emily provided us with funky looking drinks and I declined. I told her I had to drive later.

‘’You’re not drinking?’’ Julie yelled over the blaring music. I shrugged.

‘’One of us gotta drive, right,’’

Julie shook her head, making her brown hair whisk over her shoulders.

‘’Na-ah, Michael can pick us up,’’ She demonstratively handed me the drink.

“Fine,” I rolled my eyes and smiled. I wouldn’t drink much anyway. I took a tiny sip and glanced around. My eyes found Evan across the room, talking to Jeremy. He waved and I waved back.

Deep in the back of my head, I remembered what Eric had told me about Julie.

I lightly nudged her. “Hey - you never told me what happened with Michael at your party? I heard you guys had a swell time,” I wiggled my brows.

Julie choked, blushing. “Who told you that?”

“Oh - just a little bird,”

She frowned.

“Eric. Eric told me,”

“How the hell does he know?” Julie took a deep chug of her drink.

“He said he saw you,”

Suddenly, I heard Jeremy’s deep voice behind me. “Who’s Eric?”

He and Evan had just joined us it appeared, and I gulped. Hard. Julie looked up at Jeremy and then back at me, doe-eyed and guilty.

Jeremy looked amused. “What? Is it Julie’s new secret lover or something?”

“It’s Eric - Dylan’s friend. And my new friend,” I shrugged. It wasn’t that big of a deal. Although I had kissed him, and I kind of like him. And I also know Jeremy likes me. I gulped again, throat feeling dry.

“Eric Harris? You’re hanging out with him?”

“Yeah,” Jeremy’s tone set me off a little bit.

He looked at me funny. I’d seen that look before when he talked shit about people at school. He scoffed and took a sip of his beer. “Right,”

The strained atmosphere was suffocating me. The loud music didn’t help. Everyone seemed to be waiting for an argument, except me and Jeremy. He looked like he was completely done talking to me and I tried acting like nothing. Julie popped the bubble.

“Woooh! - let’s go out back,” She cheered with a fake smile and grabbed me by my arm. Evan followed close behind. Jeremy didn’t.

Julie practically dragged me through the doors, out to the back patio.

“What the fuck,” she wheezed as we were out of sight from Jeremy. “Does he know you know or what?”

I shook my head, slightly aggravated. “No!”

Evan stood by and watched, looking more and more confused.

“What’s even going on here?” He intervened. Julie and I shot him a death glare. He put his hands up in the air. “Please, don’t shoot,”

I couldn’t keep a straight face. Julie started laughing too and Evan smiled.

“Okay - apparently,” Julie paused and bulged her eyes. “Nobody can see the obvious fact that Jeremy is crazy about Helena,” She turned her eyes to me as she said it.

I sighed.

“Oh - I knew that,” Evan announced with a grin. Like it was nothing. Like yeah, the sun is out; I knew that.

A wave of emotions hit me. Everyone seemed to know but me. Then why didn’t Jeremy grow some balls and say it to my damn face?

Evan put his arm around me and squeezed my shoulder, making me feel a little bit more at ease. “Don’t think about it too much,”

Julie cleared her throat. “He knows about Eric now though,”

“Why are you being so fucking annoying, Julie?” I hissed through my teeth.

She raised her brows. “Well excuse me, little lady - but I’m just telling you like it is,” Her normally gentle brown eyes burned a hole in me now.

“Alright, let’s just forget about it for now,” Evan tried. He put a hand on Julie’s shoulder for effect.

The tensity seemed to wear off a little and we went back inside.

**

In a slightly better mood, Evan and I danced most of the night. Julie kept her distance and Jeremy was nowhere to be seen. Great, this night turned out great…  
  
I took some time hanging out with other people from my class and ended up having a decent time anyway even though my heart was a hundred times heavier. Evan and I decided to ditch around two a.m. and I felt steady enough to drive. One drink was not much.

Once we were in the car, Evan started the stereo and sang to the tunes of Sex & Candy by Marcy Playground. He was far from sober.

“Ah man, this is such shit,” He grunted. “I shouldn’t drink, fuck,”

I paralleled my eyes between him and the dark road.

“You’re okay, buddy,” I laid a calming hand on his arm. I’d warned him to slow down with the drinking all night. With his current state of mind, drinking couldn’t be good.

_“Yeah, there she was - like disco lemonade,”_ Evan hummed, halfway into slumber.

I couldn’t help but smile. I looked up at the black sky through the windshield and glimpsed a few stars. It brought my mind back to Eric. I thought about the kiss. A wave of electricity went through my body and made the hairs on my arms stand up.

Evan adjusting himself in his seat shoved me back to reality. He started snoring.

I chuckled and poked him. “Hey - grandpa,”

“Huh?” His drowsy eyes looked around. “What’s up,”

“You were snoring,”

His belly-laugh rumbled in the car. “Fuck, that’s terrible,”

“You should hear my Dad,” I chuckled. “He’s the worst. It’s so loud,”

Evan continued to laugh at nothing like drunk people do and I laughed at him for laughing funny.

We finally arrived at my house and I parked in the driveway. Evan stumbled around on our way to the door and I tried to support him the best I could.

“Dude, you’re heavy,” I laughed as I unlocked the door. “Now hush, don’t wake Roger,”

He giggled and I managed to sit him down on a chair in the foyer. He struggled with his shoes and then stood up again, stumbling away to the living room like a wobbly toddler. I went and grabbed a bucket from the kitchen and placed it beside the couch just in case. He dozed off within seconds, face down.

Not long after, I went upstairs to brush my teeth and wash my face before I crashed in bed.

**

The day after, Dad had left early for errands and Evan and I ate a late brunch together, then I drove him home. He and his dad lives in an apartment complex west of Littleton.

When I came back home I snuggled with Figaro for a while, took a shower, and vedged out on the couch. I remembered Dad had told me Eric called last night and to say that he wanted me to call him back.

I stood up with a new rush of energy and marched to the kitchen. I grabbed the receiver and pressed his direct number.

A few signals went through before there was a short rustle. “Eric,” He sounded dull and interrupted.

“Hi - it’s Helena,”

I could hear a smile. “Hey, how’s it going?”

I felt silly grinning, but it kind of just happened. “I’m alright. Dad said you called last night,”

“Yeah, just wanted to check on you. Just got back from Fort Collins - got some family up there,”

“Oh, cousins?”

“No, just my aunt and her husband,”

“Oh, I see,”

Pause.

“Uh - would you like to come over? My Dad’s out,” I bit my lip.

There was no hesitation. “Sure - I’ll be there in like five minutes or so,”

“Okay, see you then,”

“See ya,”

We hung up and I ran up to my room. I had to put on something better than my old t-shirt and sweatpants. I untangled my hair and put it in a high ponytail. I strapped on a bra, put on a pair of dark denim shorts and a grey plain sweater. That would do. I didn’t bother with any make-up.

I looked around my room. It looked decent enough and the bed was made. A few papers here and there; pens; a glass of water. My room don’t really stand out. The walls are painted in a light yellow color; my bedding is navy blue with tiny half-moons on it; the walls are not covered in posters of male celebrities but rather small art paintings and pictures of me together with friends. Oh, I also have a computer and a T.V. And a closet, of course.

A few minutes later, Eric knocked on the door. I let him in and we hugged.

He secretly observed me after taking his shoes off. “You look very pretty,”

I could feel my face go tomato red so I tried diverting it with a toothful smile. “You’re not too bad yourself,” I cringed on the inside. What a horribly cliché thing to say, jesus christ.

He was wearing a black t-shirt with a KMFDM-print on the front; the same blue jean shorts I’d seen him in before and white tube socks. His spiky hair looked newly cut and styled.

He looked down at the ground with a shy smile, then he looked back up and darted his eyes around.

“Nice house,”

I took a glance around the same old foyer myself and shrugged. ‘’I guess,’’

I showed him around the first floor and then we walked upstairs. I felt a little nervous as we entered my room and I rapidly scanned it one more time. Nothing weird.

I closed the door after us, leaving it open a few inches. I studied Eric for reactions. He smirked the whole time, gazing around.

‘’I like the pictures,’’ He admitted, referring to the art hanging on the north wall above my bed.

‘’It’s John Bauer - a Swedish artist,’’

‘’They’re real cool - eerie kind of,’’

I smiled. ‘’They’re inspired by Swedish folklore,’’

Eric did a turn and found my computer. ‘’Hey - nice computer!’’ He went to sit down in front of it, studying it religiously. ‘’Got any games? Or do you play?’’

‘’Does Word count?’’ We both snickered.

‘’I guess not,’’

I sat down in tailor position on the floor and leaned my back against the wall. Eric told me he would move so I could have the chair but I dismissed. Instead, he got up and sat down on the floor with me. We were close alongside each other now.

‘’Did you have a fun time last night?’’

Dad must’ve told him about the ‘junior assembly’. I thought about Jeremy and Julie.

‘’Meh - not really,’’

‘’Why not?’’

‘’I’m not much for parties I guess,’’ I lied.

‘’You were when I met you,’’

‘’Oh, shut up,’’ I smiled.

Eric tittered teasingly, picking at his hands. I leaned onto his shoulder, then the door creaked and we both jumped a little. Figaro came waddling into my room and greeted us with meows. He walked straight over to Eric and nudged his head against his arm.

‘’Hi, little dude,’’ Eric reached over to scratch his head. Figaro started purring immediately. He purred and purred, asking for more pets, rubbing against Eric’s legs. ‘’You’re a real charmer,’’

‘’He likes you,’’

Eric looked over at me with a smug smirk. After a series of pets, Figaro decided he was bored and left.

I felt a familiar burning sensation grow in my stomach, followed by some growling. Eric and I locked eyes, then he looked down at my stomach. I held back a laugh, pressing my lips together.

“Are you hiding an alien in there?”

“…how did you know?” I wheezed, squinting my eyes suspiciously.

“Well, whatever it is, it just gave you away,” He teased. “And it sounds hungry,”

He stood up and reached his hand out towards me. I grabbed it, and in a flash there I was again, only inches away from his face, almost a head shorter. I couldn’t wrap my mind around why I felt so awkward, I’d kissed him for Christ’s sake. We’d kissed. And it still showed in his eyes.

I took a short step back, and then we walked downstairs, chit-chatting.

His car was parked by the curb, windows still rolled down. It was a warm day today, not flaming hot but just enough. I started regretting my choice of shirt. On our way to the car, I slowed down midway.

“Hey - we should take my car,”

Eric slowed down too, turning to look at me. He thought about it. “Alright,”

After helping him roll up his windows, we went for the garage. My old 1980 Audi Quattro greeted us with all her pride.

“I didn’t know this was yours,” He gushed and thoroughly scanned around once we were inside the car. “And you drive stick?”

His surprised face amused me.

“Now that’s the reaction I was hoping for,” I grinned and started backing up.

Once we were on the street, I shifted gears, accelerating forward. The engine roared a little and I shifted again. I took a left turn onto the boulevard, aiming for the main street. In the meantime, I started the stereo. Believe by Antiloop began playing.

With a mischievous smile, I peeked over at Eric and he seemed to be enjoying himself, casually holding a grip of the roof handle.

Egged on by the fast pumping music, I finally took a turn onto Pierce Street and without hesitation, I stomped the gas for what all the car was worth. We lunged forward, and in a beat I stomped the clutch and shifted to third gear, flooring the gas pedal. The adrenaline rush made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Eric cheered and started laughing.

“Holy crap,”

There wasn’t much traffic so I went straight ahead, shifting lanes, focusing hard on the road.

I shifted to the fourth gear and the engine revved up to 90 miles per hour. With the adrenaline slowly wearing off, I slowed down. There could be a cop anywhere. I was not in need of a ticket, and my dad would kill me.

“Wooo!” Eric bravoed. “That was freakin’ great,”

I laughed when I saw his knuckles had turned white from grabbing onto the handle so hard.

“This car is crazy,” He grinned at me. “How is it so fast?”

“Dad and I fixed it, plus it’s a Quattro,”

Sure, she was old, but it’s the inside that counts, right?

He raised his brows. “You fixed it?”

“Yeah, tuned the engine just a tiny bit,”

He shook his head in disbelief and stared out the windshield. “Would never have guessed,”

**

We both decided we wanted pizza and Eric suggested we’d go to Blackjacks. Dylan worked a shift today. With my mind completely occupied by the carefree moment, I didn’t think twice about it.

We rolled into the parking lot, stopping right out front.

Eric opened the door for me and we went inside. The greasy pizza smell hit me like a brick but it also made my stomach growl again. I was surprised to see Dylan’s shy face behind the cashier. Eric and I greeted him.

“Slow day?” Eric asked Dylan and I stood by, looking around. I had only been here a few times before, visiting… fuck.

“A Sunday is a Sunday,” Dylan shrugged and warily peeked down at me back and forth.

I gulped and my hands were getting sweaty. I darted my eyes around, my heart stopping every time I saw movement from inside the kitchen. There were at least three other people working.

Eric and I ordered what we wanted and just as I was to turn my head away from Dylan, Jeremy came strutting confidently from behind the large ovens to take the order.

He went pale when he saw me, almost turning on his heel. Unwillingly, he walked up to Dylan. Eric acknowledged him with a short nod. Jeremy’s grey eyes burned a hole in us both.

“Great day for a pizza, huh,” Jeremy spit out sarcastically. He tried to cover it up with a Pan Am smile.

I snorted and Eric twitched his eyebrows. “Sure,” He cautiously put his hands on his hips as a defense mechanism.

Jeremy didn’t utter another word and went out back again with the order. Dylan seemed to be analyzing the situation. I just wanted to get the hell out of there. The worst thing was, I didn’t even try to act the slightest confused or baffled by his behavior.

Ten minutes dragged by and some other customers came in.

We were deep in conversation with Dylan when Jeremy showed up again, carrying two boxes of pizza. He walked up to the counter and almost slammed them down on top. “Two pepperonis, one with green peppers,”

As if he’d been provoked, Eric stumped forward to grab the boxes. “Thanks,” His voice was icy.

Before turning, Eric stared him down and I went ahead to open the door for him.

“I hope you two have a nice day now,” Jeremy baited. I glared back at him.

Eric sneered over his shoulder. “I bet so,”

I tried to smile when waving goodbye to Dylan. He cracked a weak one back, waving.

On our way to the car, I stared down at the ground in shame. In shame for Jeremy. What a fucking ass. He’d never ever acted that way before. I expected Eric to confront me about it, but he looked completely unbothered, except for the deep frown. I had to say something.

‘’I’m sorry for that,’’

We got inside the car. The smell of pizza oozed from the boxes in Eric’s lap.

‘’What for?’’

‘’Well, he’s my…friend and he behaved like an ass. I just feel the need to apologize,’’ I looked down at my hands, fiddling with the car keys.

‘’Don’t apologize in his place. Not your fault,’’ Eric insisted with his eyebrows raised. ‘’I know he’s an ass so nothing new there,’’ He frowned again, staring straight forward.

I thought about that for a second, and there was obviously more to it than I knew of. I straightened up, starting the car.

Once we were at my house again, devouring pizza, I forgot about the whole thing. Eric had that effect on me. We goofed off and Eric did silly impressions. My Dad came home around thirty minutes after us and to my delight, he seemed to get along with Eric well. Eric stayed for another two hours, then he had to leave.

**

‘’He seems like a good kid,’’ Dad approved. ‘’Well-raised,’’

I beamed with pleasure at his remark. We watched T.V. together in the living room. Dad zapped through the channels, finally stopping to watch CNN.

_‘’The alleged mistress of president Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinsky…’’_

I rolled my eyes and stood up.

‘’I’m going to bed,’’ I leaned over to give Dad a quick hug.

‘’Goodnight, princess,’’

I proceeded to walk through the hall, aiming for the stairs, when the phone rang. I cocked a brow and changed direction for the kitchen. Before picking up the receiver, I had only one person in mind who’d call this late.

‘’Yes?’’

‘’You and I need to talk, like urgently,’’ Julie lectured. She didn’t sound mad, just up-right. I’d foreseen this call. Just the usual making up after a ‘fight’, or so I thought.


	5. Junior Year

Julie threw herself on the bed once we reached my room. I knew she was trying to cheer me up and lighten up the mood, but I remained glum. Before we hung up last night, all she informed me was that Jeremy had called her and he was, to put it mildly, pissed off. I couldn’t care less right now.

She pressed her lips together when she looked at me. Unlike me, she wasn’t scared to confront people right away. She cut the crap. ‘’Why the fuck did you go to Blackjacks with Eric?’’ 

‘’What do you mean why? Is it illegal?’’ I was being difficult.

She sighed. ‘’You know Jeremy works there, so it’s provocative as shit,’’ She sneered back. 

‘’Yeah? I think Jeremy’s being a fucking ass and a wuss for not telling me that himself, and that he likes me,’’

‘’What’s with the damn attitude?’’ Julie cocked a brow. 

I leaned back in the desk chair, sighing. I looked down at my hands, then back up at Julie. ‘’I don’t know,’’ I tried my hardest to sooth my voice. ‘’I just think it’s weird how I’m blamed for being provocative when he can’t tell me anything himself,’’ 

Julie thought about it. ‘’I’m not saying you’re wrong, but really, Helena?’’ She had a questioning frown.

I looked out the window like a stubborn child, to avoid her judging glare. ‘’Fine,’’ I pressed my lips together. ‘’To be honest, I didn’t think twice about going there,’’ I shrugged.

Julie paid attention. I stood up and went to sit with her on the bed. 

‘’I forgot, I’m not even kidding,’’ I picked at my blanket. ‘’We were already inside when it fucking struck me,’’ I threw out my hands, gesturing to show my irritation.

‘’He can’t be that great,’’ Julie teased, now smiling. She was referring to Eric.

I locked eyes with her. Nice diversion. ‘’Ha!’’ I couldn’t stop myself from blushing, and my face got warm. ‘’Shit, I really like him,’’ I confessed.

Julie inspected me carefully, pouting her lips. 

‘’Yeah, I can see that,’’ She gave me a fast stroke on the cheek to point out the blushing. Then she sighed hard.

‘’Well, I gotta meet the bastard,’’ She sucked her teeth. ‘’Gotta approve,’’

I playfully lunged forward to attack her with a hug, and we both crashed backward on our backs, laughing. We ended up staring at the ceiling beside each other, heads touching. I crossed my hands over my stomach.

‘’Junior year in three fucking days,’’ Julie beamed. I couldn’t believe it either. One step closer to senior year and graduation, finally, and I really longed for college. I was confident about having it all figured out already; the University of California-Davis, majoring in animal science to become a veterinarian. I was going through with my childhood dream job.

‘’Feels like we started freshman year just last year,’’ I ranted, deep in thought. Julie turned to lay on her stomach. 

‘’Is Eric a senior?’’

‘’Yeah. Or I mean, he will be,’’ 

Julie wiggled her eyebrows. ‘’Oh, so he’s older,’’

‘’Yeah, uhhhh, one year older,’’ I mocked her. 

She exhaled a laugh. ‘’Fuck off. Is he a good kisser?’’

I quickly sat up so she wouldn’t see me blush. ‘’Fuck outta here with your assumptions,’’ I chuckled.

She grabbed me with both hands, pulling me back down. ‘’Ha! You’ve kissed him, I knew it,’’

She tickled me and I wheezed, begging her to stop. ‘’Fine,’’ I yelled out. ‘’He’s a good kisser,’’ 

Julie looked pleased with herself and stood up from the bed. I caught my breath for a minute, laughing. ‘’I hate you,’’

‘’Yeah, yeah, yeah,’’

**

The rest of the day went by uneventful. I came back with Julie to her house and we had dinner with her parents. Her dad, Philip, ranted about his new Nokia: it was way smaller and slimmer than previous models. Julie mocked him about it, telling him she liked her pager just fine. Neither of us have a cell phone yet and I don't feel in need of one anyway. Although I don't even have a pager, that’s how far behind I am.

Julie and I sat on her computer after dinner, browsing the internet. It ran slow, but still faster than at my house. We found a couple of funny websites and one where you could post novels and poems. She showed me a poem she’d written and I complimented her on it. Then we watched some T.V. 

Julie zapped through the channels to find something worth watching when her phone shrieked.

‘’Julie speaking,’’ 

Staring at the T.V., I overheard Jeremy on the other end, calling to ask Julie if she’d talked to me. She cast me a glance. Enough with this bull, I thought and reached over to snatch the receiver from her.

‘’Yes, in fact, she did,’’ I spit out. There was a long silence. ‘’Hello?’’

‘’So what’s up,’’ He finally answered. 

Julie stood up from the couch and tip-toed out of her room, leaving me to it.

‘’First of all,’’ I sighed. ‘’your behavior yesterday was far from okay,’’ In my mind, Julie hadn’t told Jeremy I knew he liked me, so I played by it.

More silence. ‘’Yeah, I’m sorry,’’ He sounded pitiful. I was taken aback by his obvious defeat.

‘’And at the party, the reaction I got from you about Eric - what was that?’’ This was bad. I had a second choice to tell him I knew, but that would put Julie in a bad light. I frowned hard enough to feel a headache was coming.

‘’I don’t like him I guess,’’ 

‘’Well,’’

‘’I fucking love you, Helena,’’ He burst out, voice cracking. I almost dropped the receiver due to my sweaty palm, heart pounding in my chest. My mind went blank.

‘’It’s fine if you have nothing to say back, but I’m just…’’ He stopped mid-sentence. ‘’Forget it, alright. Forget about all of it,’’ His deep voice pleaded.

I gaped. Was I even reacting at all? All of my boldness was completely drained. I felt like curling into a little ball and hide.

‘’I’ll see you at school Thursday,’’ He said and hung up. I sat there, receiver still against my ear.

Julie came back with popcorn and two Dr. Peppers. She placed it on the wooden coffee table in front of me and gazed up at me, her smile fading. 

‘’What happened?’’

**

August 13th.

I cried out in annoyance when I hit the snooze button for the fifth time. First day of school was here and in that moment, I couldn’t have hated it more. My room was fairly dark due to the drawn blinds and made it harder for my head to co-operate as I dragged myself up. Waking up at five a.m. in the morning for the first time in months was a no-win.

As I entered the bathroom, I caught a glance of myself in the mirror, looking puffy. ‘’Wow, really,’’ I whispered to myself, turning on the sink to splash some cold water on my face. At least my hair looked decent.

I slouched through the hall, down the stairs, and into the kitchen. My Dad was already having breakfast, looking frisky. ‘’Good morning, sunshine,’’ He exclaimed with a grin, chewing on cereal. 

‘’Mhm, surely a good one,’’ I hummed as I looked for the oats. I have the worst temper in the morning, which Dad loves to put to a test for fun every now and then.

I put the bowl of oats and water mixed together in the microwave and leaned onto the counter, face resting in my hands. 

‘’You look energetic,’’ He teased.

I closed my eyes, wishing I could go back to bed. ‘’I’m stoked,’’

The microwave beeped three times, and I scrunched my face together from the high-pitched signal. I grabbed the bowl, sprinkled some toppings and went to sit next to Dad. We sat there in complete comfortable silence, estimating our day to come. For me, there weren’t that many new things to be excited for. It’d just be another year in school; same classmates, same corridors, and the same classrooms. 

As I got dressed in my dark denim jeans and a cream-yellow t-shirt, I felt way more alert thanks to the oatmeal. I undid my hair from the sleeping braid, letting it fall loose, combing through it a few times. Lastly, I put on a pair of small gold hoop earrings and applied a thin layer of mascara, all ready to go. 

Dad left before me, wishing me a good day at school. He’d bought Oreos and peanut butter cups to bring with me, with a note on it saying; ‘’Happy first day of 11th grade. Good luck!’’.  
And of course, he snapped some pictures of me, standing on the porch, beaming at the camera the best I could despite the early hour. I’d have to send those to my Mom.

The car was already in the driveway, so I jumped in and started it. Today was a beautiful day; birds chirping, the sun blazing on a clear blue sky. I estimated it to be around 70 degrees and the car thermometer indicated I was right. I backed up, and off I went.  
Julie and I had decided to take our own cars for the first day, in case someone was held up at school. This would be the first term that we’d be able to drive ourselves.

Thoughts were racing as I drove down Pierce Street, a tickling anticipation rising in my gut. The sun gazed through the windshield, warming my bare arms, and the leather on the wheel burned my palm as I shifted grip. I thought about Jeremy, and how I’d have to face him. I thought about Eric, and how he made me feel things. To me, this was an estranged feeling; one I’d had a few times in my life. I figured that one crush I’d had on a boy in middle school when I was twelve, didn’t compare to it.

Traffic was getting heavier, so I shifted to the fast lane, passing cars to my right. I didn’t recognize any of them for someone I knew, as I somehow feared and for the most part, the fear was passing Jeremy’s truck.  
In the distance, Columbine came into my sight; a weary beige concrete building, with turquoise-tinted windows. The two parking lots, senior and junior lot, were already filled up with students even though I was early. 

I took a left turn onto school grounds, slowing the car down a bit. I recognized Austin and Emily, on their way over the crosswalk, waving. I casually waved back with a strained smile on my lips, my eyes searching for Julie. I found her standing beside her car, in a space northwest of the junior lot. She was searching through her backpack when I pulled up in the empty space next to her. I frantically collected my things in the passenger seat and stepped out, locking my car.

‘’I can’t believe you found spots right next to each other,’’

Julie stood up, putting on her backpack. ‘’Hey baby!’’ A wide contagious grin spread across her face. We met halfway and hugged. She smelled of coconut and body lotion. 

‘’You smell good!’’ She gasped, taking a good look at me at arm’s length. 

‘’It’s the perfume you gave me for my birthday,’’ I puffed out my chest from the rush of confidence and we started moving towards the main entrance.

Subconsciously, I cast a glance towards the senior lot, searching for Eric’s car. I scanned it twice, not being able to find it. 

‘’Are you listening?’’ Julie’s nudge on my arm brought me back to the present.

‘’Yeah, sorry,’’ I glanced back at her and then down at the concrete as we were walking. The backpack pulled on my shoulders, and I held a tight grip of the Oreos.

‘’Anyway, so,’’ She went on talking about what classes she wanted to take and how she figured she’d take several AP classes for college. I was taking some myself.

We were to cross the street, aiming for the entrance pathway, when in all our distraction stopped dead for a car coming at full speed. The person behind the wheel slammed the brakes, stopping right in front of us. A Honda. There he was, with a lopsided smirk, eyes hid behind oval mirrored shades. If my heart was pounding hard before, it was racing now. A nervous laugh left my throat. Before I got a chance to react, Julie stomped towards Eric. His window was already rolled down.

‘’What the fuck is your problem, man? There’s a fucking crosswalk here,’’ 

I sighed and jogged after her, still smiling. ‘’Julie, relax,’’ 

‘’Well good morning to you too,’’ I heard Eric snort back to Julie as I joined them. 

‘’Yeah, good morning, we could’ve fucking died,’’ I took a hard grip of Julie’s arm and she recoiled in pain. 

‘’Hey,’’ He greeted me, taking his shades off, smiling. His facial expression turned soft, almost dreamy.

‘’Hi,’’

‘’You guys know each other?’’ Julie shifted her glance between me and Eric, looking confused and slightly infuriated. 

‘’Julie, this is Eric,’’

She straightened a bit, trying to look calm and collected. ‘’Oh,’’ Then she laughed. ‘’Oh, I’m sorry. But like, damn man, slow the fuck down,’’

‘’I wasn’t gonna run you over, if that’s what you think,’’ He smirked again, looking at Julie. He had a unique way of shifting demeanor depending on what person he talked to, yet he was outstandingly hard to read. His curious eyes settled on me again. 

‘’Still, slow down,’’ She repeated with a shrug.

Julie was looking at me now, all anger drained from her. She put an arm around me, gazing down at Eric. ‘’Well, nice meeting you then, Eric,’’ In the corner of my eye, I saw a mocking grin grow in her face. The mocked one, also known as me. 

There was a short honk to our right, and we jumped. A car was pulled up behind Eric, impatiently waiting for him to move out of the way or keep driving. 

‘’I’ll see you inside,’’ I smiled. 

Eric pulled his shades back on, looking impassive. ‘’Yep, see ya,’’ I caught him smiling as he stomped the gas again, tires squeaking a little.

I started walking, and Julie was right on my heel. ‘’Oh my god - Helena!’’ She exclaimed, sounding explosively elated. She grabbed me by my arm to slow me down a bit, intensely locking eyes. I hadn’t seen her this excited since freshman year. Here we go.

‘’That was him!’’ Like I didn’t know already, she reminded me. My face was still warm and my heart was still fluttering. I took a deep breath to balance my oxygen level back to normal.

‘’And you went batshit,’’ I laughed, shaking my head. I was a little embarrassed by her outburst, although she couldn’t have known it was him. And surely, it had looked like he was going to hit us.

‘’Um, he was about to kill us,’’ She laughed with me. 

We finally reached the entrance and Julie opened the door, letting me go in first. The wide, consuming hallway was cluttered with students and teachers. Principal DeAngelis roamed the crowd, greeting people. Two of my favorite teachers were also there. We met a few of the other juniors, including Emily and Austin. I knew Jeremy was here somewhere. The overall aura around us was upbeat and buoyant, influencing both me and Julie. Only on the first day of school, the mood was this cheerful; halls echoing with laughter and chatter, anticipation and motivation.

Jeremy’s face flashed by in the crowd, sending a jolt of anxiety through me. I looked the other way and tried to focus on something else. Most likely, I’d have classes with him this coming term, meaning there was no point in trying to avoid him anyway. 

Julie and I continued down the hallway, stopping here and there to say hi to people, hugging them.

**

We rounded the corner, walking into the west wing hallway. I was focused, striding over to my locker, and Julie had stopped for hers a few meters behind. After getting the combination wrong the first two tries, I finally unlocked it. There were still some old notebooks inside from spring, along with pens, a beanie baby Evan had given me in sophomore year and a picture of me and Julie attached to the locker door. I placed my backpack inside, accompanied by the Oreos. I purposefully opened the package, taking two pieces; one for me, one for Julie. Then I slammed the door shut.

I turned around, jumping with a short exclamation, putting my hand to my chest. ‘’Oh my god, Eric,’’ I exhaled. ‘’How long have you been standing there?’’

‘’Long enough to see you got some Oreos in there,’’ He smirked. My eyes unintentionally wandered from his eyes, stopping at his lips.

I arched a brow, grinning. I put my hands behind my back. ‘’Which hand?’’

He took a step back, putting his hand on his hips. He pouted his lips, thinking. Then he scratched his temple. ‘’Right,’’ He gestured to my right arm.

‘’Well well well, congratulations, sir. Here’s your cookie,’’ I joked, reaching it over. He obviously had no idea either hand would have given him the prize.

‘’Yay!’’ He put his fists up in a victorious gesture before snatching the cookie out my hand. 

To my right, I saw Dylan on his way towards us, lanking through the crowd. He’s impossible to miss, as tall as he is. This was the first time I saw him without a hat. His blonde hair waved up and down as he moved, and I could swear it was longer.

‘’Hi, Dylan,’’ I waved and Eric spun around, greeting him too. 

‘’Want half my cookie?’’ Eric grinned, putting the half-eaten piece under Dylan’s nose.

‘’No way, man,’’ Dylan laughed, eyeing the Oreo suspiciously. ‘’Hi,’’ He addressed me, a shy trying smile on his lips.

‘’Helena, we gotta go,’’ Julie shouted across the hall, now standing together with Emily and Austin by her locker. She caught all three of our attention.

‘’Yeah,’’ I yelled, looking back at Eric’s munching face. ‘’Love the heart attack you gave us earlier by the way,’’ I giggled, biting into my cookie.

‘’She didn’t,’’ He twitched his eyebrow, referring to Julie.

I snorted. ‘’Yeah, she’s tough,’’ 

‘’Helena!’’ Julie yelled again, louder this time. 

‘’Okay, I gotta go,’’ I bit the inside of my cheek, locking eyes with Eric’s alert ones.

‘’Alright, I’ll see you later,’’ 

For a moment, there was indecision to how we were going to part. Mostly speaking for myself, I realized, as Eric leaned in to embrace me in a tight hug. I hugged him back with a light squeeze, silently inhaling the smell of laundry detergent before we let go. He and Dylan started walking in the opposite direction and I turned to join Julie, Emily, and Austin across the hall.

The rest of the day was repetitive and dull. Registrations and endless information. We were introduced to the new classes for junior year, split up into five periods. I signed up for an AP class in biology, so did Julie, although for a different subject. We were assigned to class rosters, and I ended up in the same class as Julie in three out of five of them, to our incomparable joy. Jeremy and Evan were on the list too.  
For our electives, we both chose video production.

**

‘’This thing with Jeremy, it needs to be fixed,’’ Julie berated. The introductions and first day of junior year was officially over, being quite the disappointment.

We walked side by side, heading for our cars.

I’d stopped paying attention minutes ago. ‘’You go talk to him, then,’’ I snorted.

‘’Like what are you gonna do? Ignore each other for the rest of high school?’’ 

I shrugged. I hadn’t told her exactly what he’d said to me on the phone. The part where he said he loves me, was left out. Completely.

‘’Can we talk about something else,’’

‘’Whatever,’’ Julie sighed, adjusting her heavy backpack, weighed down by new textbooks. ‘’Hey, isn’t that Eric over there?’’ I followed her gaze and ended up squinting towards mine and Julie’s cars in the distance. 

Surely, it was. He was parked beside my car, leaning against his trunk with his arms crossed over his chest. Eyes covered by his shades, looking in another direction.  
He was back in his dark attire, dressed in black cargo pants and a black t-shirt, even though it was a blazing hot day. This time, the word ‘REB’ spelled out on his chest in red letters. I hadn’t noticed before in the hallway.

‘’He looks kinda scary,’’ Julie wheezed, side-eyeing me with her big chocolate-brown eyes, that made her look even more childlike.

I let out a short, loud laugh. The Eric I knew, was far from anything scary. Quiet and reserved sometimes, sure. But not scary. "It's just the clothes," I shrugged. My laugh had caught his attention, as he looked directly at us now.

When we were just a few meters away, he changed his stance to a more upright one, trying to figure out how to act. Then he took off his shades.

"Whattup," Julie joked, trying to sound overly confident. She went for her car to put her backpack down, and I walked straight up to Eric.

"Whattup," Eric mocked back at Julie, fixing his eyes on me. He fiddled with his sunglasses in his right hand, putting the left one on his hip. "How was your day?" 

I knitted my hands together, weighing on my hip. "Pretty boring actually. I had my hopes up too much I guess," 

Eric nodded, looking down at the ground. "Yeah, it's not getting any better than that,"

You could cut the unspoken stirring tensity between us with a knife. Or maybe it was just me.

"I was thinking maybe - you'd wanna hang out today? If you're free," His confident demeanor hid something completely opposite, and it showed in his eyes.

"Yeah, sure!" I nodded with a smile, maybe a bit too eagerly. Behind me was a sudden honk.

"Call me later babe," Julie stuck her head out of her window, before waving us goodbye and accelerating away.

"Babe? Is that what girls call each other?" A lopsided smirk stretched his lips.

"I'd say that's just Julie," 

"Alright, babe," He teased.

I rolled my eyes, smiling. "So what are we doing today?" I strode a few steps to my car to throw my backpack inside. Eric's posture changed to follow my direction. 

"My parents are out of town for the day, so I thought we could go to my place," He shrugged.

"What, you scared they wouldn't like me?" 

"No, I'm sure they would love you but.."

The word love threw me off a little. Maybe it was the way he said it, or maybe it was because Jeremy had said it.

"I know, I know, parents," I agreed without having heard what he was going to say, closing the door again.

"Bring your car though, it shouldn't be sitting here by itself,"

He had a point. "Alright, you lead the way,"

We jumped into our separate cars and Eric backed up first, and I followed shortly. We drove on Pierce Street for approximately five minutes before Eric wheeled a right turn into a neighborhood, close to my own turn on the other side of the street.

We were almost in crawling speed as we reached a cul-de-sac. Eric parked in the driveway of a blue, partly bricked, two-story residence. The front was neatly well-kept, with a smaller spruce tree in the middle of a graveled ornament. I parked right beside him, in front of the garage.

As I got out, I looked up to examine the house further. I figured I wouldn't need to lock my car, so I closed it and walked up to Eric.  
He'd just grabbed his backpack, turning to face me. 

"Beautiful house," My admiring eyes looked around once more before they fell on Eric. He looked smug.

"It's a house," He established, then we started walking together, aiming for the front door. 

On the porch was a chair to the right by the door, and another one to the left, together with a wooden table. Beautiful pansies in various colors hung from the roof in different sized pots. A small wooden birdhouse was attached to the wall.  
I heard the rattling of keys, as Eric unlocked and we stepped inside. 

The foyer was of normal size, well decorated with fitting furniture. To the right, was a wooden staircase leading upstairs, combined with one leading downstairs to the basement. There was a pleasant smell of coffee and lavender hanging in the air, and also that unfamiliar one, indicating that this was the first time you entered an unknown home.

Eric observed me, looking out of place in his own house. "Are you hungry, thirsty? Just let me know," 

"I'm okay," I smiled and peeked around the corner, into the living area. First thing I noticed was the fireplace, and how homey everything looked. There was definitely one organized and loving woman living here. I flashed my eyes around, stopping at a picture on the wall. "Is that you?" 

Eric looked embarrassed, pressing his lips together. "Yup," 

"You were really cute," I teased him, studying the photo of him as a kid.

"I know - what happened right," He chuckled.

I arched a brow. "You got handsome," 

His eyes fell to the floor for a second, trying to hide flustered cheeks, then he cocked his head back up. "Hey, thanks,"

I noticed another photo of him together with a slightly older kid. "Wait, you have a brother?"

"Yeah,"

"Me too," 

"Thankfully he's in college now," He rolled his eyes to show annoyance. 

"Yeah, gotcha. My brother lives back in Sweden with my Mom," I snorted. 

He offered to show me his room, and I was intrigued when we moved downstairs. I was met by another family room with couches and a coffee table, a T.V. and bookshelves against the walls. I followed him, and he stopped to open a door to a room; his room. I stepped inside after him. 

"Welcome to my cave," He gestured, with a goofy-mannered voice. I bit my bottom lip, as to concentrate. 

There was a made single bed and an armchair close to it, a bunch of posters on the wall and a desk with a computer with a bookshelf above. I recognized Jenny McCarthy on one of the posters, along with football jerseys and stolen road signs. I spotted fireworks and firecrackers laying around.  
I'd say it looked like a typical guy's room, although I hadn't been in many. Only Evan's and Jeremy's. The theme in Eric's room though was more unique.

He sat down by the desk on a chair.

"This is interesting," I smirked, finally stopping to gaze at him. "More interesting than my room,"

"Your room’s cool,"

We observed, watching each other in silence while darting our eyes around.

"You wanna hear some music?" Eric was already turned to the stereo by the desk, looking back at me with curious eyes. 

I went to sit on his bed, curling up my legs to my chest, before I nodded. I had an absorbing feeling of being out of place, yet I was completely relaxed and comfortable. Through the speakers, I heard a familiar whistle; Engel by Rammstein.  
My brother was a fan of Rammstein, that's how I've heard of the band before. And I liked their music. 

"Do you know any German?" I hugged my legs. 

Eric turned back around, standing up from the chair. "Oh ya, I know a lot actually," He informed while he walked over the sit down beside me on the bed, back against the wall.  
I tensed up a bit, my body responding to being close to him. "Been taking German for the past three years. I can translate the lyrics for you if you want,"

I raised my eyebrows to reveal how impressed I was. "Yeah, I'd love that," I smiled and studied his face in detail, his cheekbones seemingly more defined than usual. He darted his eyes to me, and I quickly looked away, hiding behind my hair. Beside me, I could feel the bed weigh down, as he scooted over even closer. Starting to feel out of breath, I slowly turned my head back to look at him. He was already observing me, gaze almost animalistic and pupils widely dilated. We locked eyes, holding back.

‘’Can I kiss you?’’ His surprisingly cool, steady voice made me flinch. I opened my mouth, completely speechless.

And as if the sinister, pumping tune of Engel had lit a spark in him, he took my face in between his hands, pushing me into an uncoordinated kiss. Without thinking, I pushed myself closer to him, responding to every single instinct. Our lips parted, kiss getting deeper and breaths heavier. I could taste the hunger on his lips; the longing. I put my hand on the back of his neck, grasping onto his skin. A moan left his throat.

‘’Eric?’’ A tender voiced called from upstairs, loud enough for us to come back to our senses. I recoiled with bulged eyes, pressing my lips together to choke a laughter. Eric looked deeply interrupted, still holding my face in his hands. His lips were puffy, slightly parted.

Then we both softly tittered, anticlimax washing over us. Eric shook his head in disbelief. ‘’That’s my mom,’’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this was a sucky chapter; I blame writer's block.


	6. Doom and Tequila

Eric exhaled. ‘’Fuck, I didn’t think they’d be home already,’’

There was a frenetic scraping at the closed door, shortly followed by soft barking. Eric’s hands fell from my face and his eyes searched behind me with a knowing glance. Steadying himself with his hands, he heaved himself up from the bed. I straightened up and adjusted myself so I’d look less taken by surprise, pushing my hair behind my ears.

Eric opened the door and a tousled little creature came sprinting in. I reacted instinctively, crawling to the bedside to greet Sparky. ‘’Hi, sweetie,’’ I beamed, reaching my hand out. He jumped onto the bed, yapping a few barks.

‘’Hey - no barking,’’ Eric softly snapped his fingers, with reprimanding eyes. ‘’Be nice to her,’’ Sparky panted happily beside me with his tongue out. Cross-legged, I patted my lap to encourage him to me. Waddling over, he put his front paws on my right leg, reaching to lick my face.

I laughed at the wet tickling feeling against my cheek. ‘’Oh hello - you’re so precious,’’ My voice was naturally high-pitched and baby voiced like it always was talking to fur babies. ‘’Hi,’’ I stroked him on his head, down to his back, over and over. He became eager, jumping around in bed.

‘’Alright, that’s enough dirt on my sheets,’’ Eric finalized with a chuckle, urging him off the bed. ‘’Go upstairs, go,’’ He egged him on, sounding mischievous, and off he went out the door. I heard fading paws tapping against the wooden flooring.

‘’Eric?’’ His mom called again.

‘’Yeah, hold on,’’

My heart still pounding, a wave of insecurity washed over me. I had not planned on meeting with his parents the first time around. Eric shot me a glance, a smirk pulling at his lips though his eyes revealed frustration. ‘’Come on,’’ He waved for me and I nervously staggered out of bed, adjusting my t-shirt that had slid up a bit. As I was to pass him, he placed his hand lightly on my lower back, leaning in to whisper in my ear as he followed. ‘’They’ll love you, I promise,’’  
Somewhat encouraged by his words and pulse definitely racing from his touch, I smiled.

As I took the first step up the stairs, I dragged silent ensuring breaths. I turned my head back to make sure Eric was following and he was right on my heel, concentrating on his steps. We reached the top and a short-haired smiling woman with rosy cheeks came walking towards us. Her face turned dazzled, not expecting to see a girl instead of her son. Then she softened in a motherly smile, eyes searching for Eric behind me.

‘’Oh, hello,’’ She stopped in front of us in a jaunty stance, smiling with her eyes. ‘’I’m Katherine, Eric’s mother. Nice to meet you,’’

I gained some confidence from her sweetness and grabbed her hand in an honest handshake. ‘’So nice to meet you, I’m Helena Beckenfort,’’ I noticed exchanging of curious looks between her and Eric. 

The front door opened and closed, letting a stream of light cast a shadow from a person on the wooden floor. A man in his fifties with a red tan and receding hair walked through the foyer, lastly acknowledging the three of us as he put the bags of groceries down on the ground.

‘’Hello!’’ He burst out sincerely, a familiar smirk tugging at his lips. No doubt Eric was his father’s son. 

‘’And who do we have here? I’m Wayne - Wayne Harris. Pleasure to meet you,’’ He grabbed my hand with authority, courtly bowing his head. He seemed very formal and righteous, yet his smile was easygoing and welcoming. 

‘’Pleasure is all mine, I’m Helena Beckenfort,’’

‘’Are you in the same class as Eric?’’ Katherine asked, eyebrows raised from curiosity. 

Eric cleared his throat beside me, revealing impatience. He scratched his temple.

‘’No, I’m a junior actually,’’ I spoke the words unintentionally formal, clasping my hands together.

Wayne and Katherine nodded to show they understood, thinking about it for a second. They didn’t seem deeply connected to Eric.

‘’Beckenfort, you say? Is your father’s name Roger by any chance?’’ Wayne pondered, squinting his eyes. 

‘’Yes, it is. Are you familiar with him?’’ 

Wayne’s eyes lit up. ‘’Oh yes, we went to high school together. Back in the Stone Age,’’ He put his hands proudly to his waist, chuckling, relieved to have found some kind of connection to me.

I chuckled at his way of bringing about how old he and my father were. Then Eric and I glanced at each other, equally surprised. ‘’What a coincidence. I’ll have to tell him I met his old cave buddy then,’’ I teased, hoping the witty remark would hit home.

Wayne’s rough chuckle rumbled once more. ‘’Please do,’’

I saw Eric’s restless movements in the corner of my eye, his mother glancing between him and me. 

I broke the silence. ‘’I think I should head home,’’ 

Eric looked up from the floor and shot his eyes at me, looking disheartened.

‘’If you want, you can stay for dinner,’’ Katherine suggested with a warm smile. Eric wet his lips, a discreet smile growing back.

‘’If it’s not a problem,’’

Wayne and Katherine shook their heads in unison. ‘’No, not at all,’’

Shortly after, I followed Eric back downstairs to call my dad from his room and let him know. He seemed delighted to hear about Wayne, and that he was Eric’s father. He said he’d have to pay them a visit soon.

**

‘’Oh, you must miss her,’’ Katherine stopped mid-chew, reacting to my mother living in Sweden. ‘’And she must miss you,’’

For the first time in weeks, I found myself reflecting on the fact that my mother was miles and miles away from me, and the food suddenly seemed to lose its taste. I swallowed. ‘’I guess I’m used to it by now,’’ 

‘’Any siblings?’’ Wayne’s sharp voice pinched me back.

‘’Just a brother. He’s four years older, and he chose to go to Sweden with my mom as soon as he graduated. So he’s in college in Sweden now,’’ I took another bite.

Wayne nodded, chewing. Eric had just finished his plate beside me as I looked over. Scratching his temple a bit, he leaned onto the table. He seemed strained, yet a smirk tugged at his lips as he flicked his eyes at me. It always managed to get me, as I felt warmth grow in my face.

I helped Katherine with dishes after dinner, and she sweetly told me to please call her Kathy. That somehow felt like a privilege, even though she was an undeniably humble woman. We continued talking about my mom, my brother, and Sweden. Eric was there too, drying plates with a towel.

Time passed, dusk already falling outside. Eric and I sat in his room, listening to some music. He showed me some games on his computer, one in particular called Doom. He praised the graphics, explaining that he made some himself. 

‘’You wanna try it out?’’

‘’Create graphics?’’ I exclaimed, definitely confused.

‘’No,’’ He tittered, shaking his head. ‘’Play the game. You wanna try?’’ 

Dumbfounded, I shifted my stare between him and the computer screen. ‘’I’ll suck,’’ 

‘’You won’t suck,’’ Eric encouraged, waving at me to sit down in front of the computer. ‘’Come on,’’

‘’Promise you won’t laugh,’’ I warned him, smiling, as I stood up from the bed and sat down on the chair. The game was already loaded, waiting for me to choose to start a new game or load a saved one.

‘’Now,’’ Eric bent over beside me, gesturing to the screen, moving the mouse. ‘’You start a new game, and then you pick a difficulty level,’’ His calm voice was right by my ear, sending pleasant shivers down my back. My breathing quickened, both from his hot breath tickling my cheek, but also from nervous anticipation.

As he clicked ‘New game’, it changed to picking a skill level. I’m too young to die; Hey, not too rough; Hurt me plenty… I snorted.

‘’I usually play ultra-violence but-’’

‘’Yeah no, let’s not. I’m way too young to die,’’ I joked, picking the easiest level, as the scaredy-cat I am. The game started. It was a dark setting, and you were holding a gun, point of view. Right ahead was a tunnel with other characters running around. Suddenly, they started shooting at me. I quickly grabbed the mouse and started shooting back at them. 

‘’Heyyyy’’ I nervously darted my aim around, hitting them all. My face was stiffened with concentration, swallowed up by the game. Eric’s voice made me flinch a bit.

‘’You move forward with double-u, and then back and side to side with S, A and D,’’ He sharply informed me, and I put my hand on the keyboard, finding the right keys. Now, new characters came around the corner to attack me. 

‘’Oh, Jesus,’’ I giggled, startled. I continued forward, shooting the best I could. That was pretty much it. Aiming and shooting, shooting and killing. 

Eric laughed softly by my ear as I shot one guy dead on the spot. ‘’Jeez, you’re a savage. I’m impressed’’ 

I grinned and kept focus on the screen. I couldn’t help but think the game was bizarre. Surely the main purpose of it, even so, it was barbaric; killing people.

Eric showed me some tricks, how to find ‘secrets’ and some of his own levels. Even if computers and games are far from my cue, I was deeply impressed by his work; also from seeing him so passionate about it.  
We talked some more about music and movies. He’d been to a KMFDM concert last year and Rammstein had been their opening act. I was jealous. He promised me if they ever came back to the States, he’d take me to see them.

He walked with me to my car after I’d said goodbye to his parents and thanked them so much for dinner. 

‘’I really like your parents’’

‘’Yeah, they’re alright’’ He shrugged, tilting his head to the side, not sounding too convinced. As we stopped beside my car, I turned around to give him a tight hug before I had the chance to geek out. His arms pulled harder around me and I closed my eyes, a secure feeling spreading in my body, almost making me go limp. As we let go, his lips softly pecked my cheek. I couldn’t get over how gentle he was. His gaze locked with mine for a second, exposing flustered cheeks, his lopsided smirk there to make up for it.

I didn’t want to leave. 

‘’I’ll see you tomorrow?’’ I nodded in response before stepping inside the car, driving away, watching Eric turn into a smaller and smaller creature in the rearview mirror.

**

August 28th.

Julie picked me up around 6 o’clock and she drove us to school. School didn’t feel too weighty yet, since we had Spirit Week coming up, before Homecoming. Today was also a back-to-school night for the parents. My dad was going. Julie’s parents were celebrating their anniversary after and she suggested we’d have a sleepover at her house. It was Friday after all.

For some reason video production classes had been delayed, hence today was our first time in that class for the third period. Julie had the class roster in her hand as we walked through the hall. ‘’You’re not gonna believe it,’’

‘’Huh?’’ I looked over at her, registering her smug smile as my eyes fell to the list. Before I had the chance to read the names, she pulled it behind her back, giving her the entitlement to reveal whatever secret I’d missed to pick up on. ‘’Hey, what was that for,’’

‘’Your man is on the list,’’

My heart started pumping faster. ‘’Oh, ha-ha, funny. No, he’s not. And by the way, my man?’’ I huffed at her. Suddenly, Julie put the white sheet of paper an inch to my face, making me flinch back a step. Within seconds I could make out Eric’s name, along with Dylan’s.

‘’Oh yes, he is,’’ She refolded the paper in her hands, sounding like this was the best day of her life. ‘’I don’t know about you but, I just got really excited for this class,’’

She put her arm around me, petting my right shoulder as we entered the classroom.

No sign of Eric, or Dylan, yet. We both sat down by a desk in the left front of the room. We’d both been in here before for computer class. Computers were lined up in the middle of the room on multiple desks; shelves on the north wall held many video cameras along with cords and other equipment. Several shelves with books on the south wall and a grey old video projector, video converters and a darkroom in the corner, windows isolated from light with drawn shades.

Four other students were there, standing around, messing with the computers. I didn’t recognize them as juniors, except for the one girl. Her name was Brandi, and we shared class. She glanced at us twice without acknowledging us. Julie turned to me and mouthed ‘bitch’. I snorted, pretending that I didn’t agree.

I overheard a familiar laugh from afar, and I shot my eyes to the door, just about to open. Boisterous chatter filled the room as Dylan and Eric along with another guy walked inside, the door closing behind them. Eric walked backward further inside, coming towards us, gesturing with his arms as he was explaining something. Dylan and the other kid laughed. Without a word, I waved to Dylan, and he waved back.

Eric spun around with a perplexed frown. He smiled with all his face as soon as he recognized me and Julie, not hesitating to walk over.

‘’Hi, Eric,’’ Brandi suddenly stopped him midway, reaching for a hug. His eyes left mine and glanced down at Brandi, hugging her. 

‘’Hey, how are you,’’ Due to them being too far away I didn’t hear her answer, their voices drowned out by buzzing computers. One thing, I did know though; jealous. I was feeling jealous. I could literally feel the smile melt off of my face. This is ridiculous, I got to think before Eric continued on his way toward us. Dylan was right behind him now.

‘’Hey,’’ Placing a chair with its backrest against our desk, he straddled it and leaned onto the table. ‘’I hope you’re as surprised as I am,’’ He lowered his voice, speaking directly to me. In the background, I heard Julie introduce herself to Dylan. 

‘’Yep, you could say that,’’ I smiled, whispering back. 

‘’Have you had this class before?’’ 

I shook my head no.

‘’Oh, it’s real fun. You’re gonna like it. If you’re into movies and such, that is,’’

‘’I’m crazy about movies, she is too,’’ I stuck my head at Julie. ‘’So I think we’ll manage,’’ 

‘’Dylan and I have some ideas for videos, you can be in on it too if you want,’’

I glanced at Julie, in full conversation with Dylan. I wasn’t too surprised she’d gotten him to talk. She could make anyone talk like they’d known her for years.

‘’Yeah, definitely!’’ 

Eric smirked, gripping his hands together on the desk. ‘’Great,’’

‘’So what’s the idea?’’

‘’It’s just an outline so far, but we’re calling it ‘Hitmen for hire’ or something like it,’’ he shifted his gaze to his hands, wetting his lips as if he was afraid he’d been looking at me for too long. ‘’It’s this business, where you can hire a hitman to take out bullies at school-’’

‘’Alright, good afternoon kids,’’ Mr. Talocco entered the classroom in a loud manner, gathering our attention immediately. Eric straightened his back.

‘’Eric, Dylan - pick your own desk, please,’’ He gestured in our direction, and they both turned the chairs around to sit at the desk in front of them. Eric secretly glanced back at me over his shoulder. And so the period started.

**

The last period progressed unbelievably slow, and I let out a relieved sigh when Mrs. Wright dismissed us. I found Julie leaned against the wall of blue lockers right outside, browsing through a book. 

‘’Hey,’’

‘’What’s up,’’ She grinned, closing the book. She cleared her throat so she could get right to it. ‘’Okay, we stop at your house for clothes and then we go straight to my house, I have to clean up in my room,’’ We were walking, fast-paced.

‘’You’re an ass did you know that?’’ I snorted, squinting at Julie.

‘’Um, no I’m the greatest damn friend in the world. I just thought it’d be nice to get to know both of them - oh and Dylan said they’d bring a friend too. I think his name was Nathan or Nate, or something,’’

I adjusted the backpack, weighing me down more than usual. Julie had asked Dylan by the end of video class if he and Eric wanted to come to her house since we were having this ‘thing’ and it was Friday, meanwhile Eric and I had been busy discussing ideas. Dylan had said yes and even agreed on Eric’s behalf. I was as excited as I was anxious.

As we came around the corner, a group of guys were approaching from the opposite direction. They were all seniors and we’d hung out with them before. Most of them were known around the school as jocks. Except for one kid; I recognized Jeremy in the crowd within seconds, making my heart drop. We were about to pass each other, Julie inhaling to greet them, as one of them called out.

‘’Fag lovers,’’ 

Julie stopped dead in her tracks and spun around. ‘’Excuse me, Derek?’’ 

They continued walking, hallway rumbling with laughter and childish titter, hollering taunting sounds. ‘’Yeah, ya heard me,’’

For once, Julie’s seemed way too intimidated by what we’d just encountered for her to spit back at them.

I stood close behind her, trying to comprehend what had just happened. Jeremy had been in on it; I’d heard his dry laugh. She turned to me, face frozen in utter shock, her brown eyes appearing bigger than ever. ‘’What the fuck was that?’’ I shrugged, slowly shaking my head.

‘’And did you catch Jeremy? He fucking laughed,’’ she rambled on as we started walking again, finally tearing her gaze away from them.

‘’Julie, he told me he loves me,’’ The words exploded out of my mouth. I couldn’t hold back anymore.

Julie held her hand up. ‘’Hold the fuck up, um - what?’’ 

‘’Jeremy. On the phone. In your room. He told me.’’

‘’So what, what now? He’s turned on you? That guy over there -’’ she pointed back at the group, now gone around the corner. ‘’That Jeremy, did not look like he loves you. Why the hell would he treat you like that?’’

I shrugged. ‘’I haven’t talked to him since - not a word.’’

Julie sighed. ‘’So that’s it then. He’s mad as hell. Still doesn’t give him the right to talk shit and get Derek and the other guys to taunt us like that. That’s verbal abuse,’’ She mumbled shithead under her breath.

We reached Julie’s car on the parking lot, and she sped us out of there.

**

‘’Alright, Dylan - your threes please’’ Julie crossed her legs on the couch, browsing through the cards in her hand. Dylan was leaned back in one of the armchairs, masking himself with a poker face. Julie snickered at him. We’d been playing cards for hours and eventually degraded to easier games as we got drunker, now playing Go Fish.

Dylan cracked a defeated hazy smile and picked out two cards from his hand, handing them over to Julie. ‘’Shit’’

‘’Wooo, I win again!’’ Placing her last pile on the table, she victoriously put her arms over her head.

‘’Yeah yeah, had I not accidentally dropped that card for you to see, I’d be the one cheering,’’ Eric huffed with a smug grin. 

‘’Liar - you got too many cards left,’’ I gave his shoulder a nudge and he chuckled. We sat beside each other on the carpet floor, neither of us daring to move closer. I reached out to have sip of the drink Eric had composed for me; tequila, pineapple juice, and 7up. It was drinkable.

The mood was good; ZZ Top was on in the background and we had Julie’s whole house to ourselves. To be fair, most of the upstair level was hers and since she didn’t have any siblings, it was hers alone. We were seated in Julie’s room; yes, big enough to hold a couch and armchairs. Eric and Dylan had brought vodka, tequila, and Irish cream, and we’d made drinks.

‘’Anyone want a smoke?’’ Dylan fished for a pack of cigarettes in his right pocket, standing up. Nate stood up from the couch to join him.

‘’I don’t smoke but I’ll go with you,’’ Julie shrugged, and Eric and I followed her example. Making small talk, we all walked downstairs, through the large family area and out on the back patio.

‘’Are your parents okay with you drinking?’’ Nate asked Julie as he lit his cigarette. Julie and I looked at each other, laughing.

‘’Nah, not really. I mean they know I drink but I never do anything stupid so’’ she shrugged, folding her arms.

‘’Oh really now?’’ Dylan teased, taking a drag of his cigarette. ‘’Nothing stupid - ever?’’

‘’Mmh well, they don’t have to know about that,’’ Boyish laughter cut through the stillness of the balmy evening, cigarette smoke floating towards the starry sky.

‘’Can I bum one?’’ I was surprised to hear Eric’s voice. He looked back at me, shrugging as Dylan handed him a cigarette. ‘’I do it sometimes when I drink,’’

I nodded. ‘’Sure,’’ I watched him light the cigarette, take a drag and exhale. For some reason, it didn’t look right; he didn’t suck the smoke into his lungs. I bit my lip to hide a teasing grin.

A few minutes later, Dylan, Julie, and Nate went back inside meanwhile Eric and I stayed, sitting by the poolside lounge area. I could feel the alcohol racing in my bloodstream. I adjusted myself on the couch and pushed my hair behind my ear, trying to look unaffected.

‘’Let’s go get our shoes and I’ll show you something’’ I bit the inside of my cheek, raising one eyebrow. Behind Julie’s house, a minute walk through the sparse landscape was a giant oak; at least a hundred years old, standing alone on the field. When Julie and I were kids, we used to say it was our wishing tree.

Eric got his boots; I got my sneakers, and off we went into the field. We stumbled alongside each other, making our shoulders rub together. 

As we approached it, both of us slowed down to a full stop. ‘’Yep, I see what you mean - it’s a hard one to miss’’ With a soft chuckle, Eric gawked at the tree, continuously walking towards it. I followed. 

‘’I’ve never seen a tree like it before. I love it so much’’ I admitted, admiring as we got closer. The stem was thick enough to make us both fail to reach around it, even trying at the same time to touch hands.

‘’Are you worshipping a tree?’’ Eric teased with a lopsided smirk, folding his arms.

‘’I definitely am’’ I laughed as I stroke the bark, feeling like a rough thick skin under my palm. Eric wheezed a short laugh and put his hand next to mine to feel it himself. 

‘’Any more fondling and its gonna call the EPA on us’’

I couldn’t hold back the laughter. ‘’Oh come on’’ I snatched my hand back and folded my arms, still smiling. His warm goofy chuckle made my knees weak.

We shyly glanced at each other for a second before I darted my eyes to the sky. Yet again, goosebumps spread like wildfire on my skin, and not from the wind; but rather from what I was looking at in front of me. Similar to glitter, the trillions of glistening teeny tiny dots were perfectly prickled onto a dark blue background, sending an immense feeling through my abdomen.

I swallowed and sat down in the grass. Eric crouched down to sit beside me, putting his arm around me.

‘’What are you thinking about?’’ 

‘’Do you feel that sometimes?’’ I slurred on the words. ‘’The way you get engulfed by the deepness of it? The endlessness of space. Like - y-you’re suddenly completely empty. You almost feel like crying it’s so intense’’ I let out a deep sigh, eyelids feeling heavy; a melancholy euphoria filling me up. I leaned onto Eric, pushing myself against chest. He smelled like the feeling of complete safety. 

‘’I do. I do feel that sometimes’’ His voice was firm, not slurring one bit. I leaned away, to get a better look at him, his hand shifting to my back.

‘’I’m really drunk right?’’ I tried a smile, regretting it as soon as my sight adjusted to the darkness only to reveal Eric’s grave expression. In a soft motion, I placed my palm on his cheek, leaning in to lay my lips on his. He gently gripped my arms, pulling me to him in one movement. Finally, a buried thought flashed by in my mind, my confidence fueled up enough to straddle him.  
Chest pressed up against his, I could feel his pounding heartbeat, my own already drowning out the silence in my ears. A hungry moan left his throat as I parted from his swollen lips, lungs heaving. He took my face in his hands to collide his lips with mine again, melting us together. I could feel him growing underneath me and I moaned into his mouth as his hands traced down my back, stopping at my hips.

‘’Helena! Eric!’’ Julie’s voice echoed in the night from afar.

Our kiss froze and we pulled away. Then I exhaled a suppressed laugh. ‘’I can’t believe this is happening for the third fucking time,’’ The frustration was coming onto me, and I knew it was already onto Eric from the look in his eyes.

A devious smirk tugged at his lips. ‘’How long have we been out here?’’

I stroked my thumb over them, biting my lip. ‘’I have no idea, but these are great’’ 

He snorted, looking down before he eyed my lips. ‘’Thanks, yours are pretty freaking great too.’’


	7. Car Wax Commercial

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year! Thank you for reading 'Helena'. If you haven't already, I suggest you watch this video in order to understand this chapter better.  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YdiYCiFEmMM&list=LLyRHbEsF16MHHOK5oJf9_FQ&index=75&t=0s

_The wind howled in my ears, my hair mercilessly whipping my face. I stood alone on a ravaged field, sand and dirt shooting like needles into my bare skin. The setting was familiar, yet unrecognizable, the thick haze embedding the landscape like a heavy damp cloth. My eyes subconsciously flashed in search for what I knew was there; the oak. In the haunting light, it hovered like a threat, branches reaching for me. Its leaves were no longer shaped in innocent rounded lobes, instead, they resembled the sharp edges of knives. The bark was rotting, sap bleeding through as if it was being scourged from the inside. I recoiled, a burning shiver pulsating through my spine, down my arms to the tip of my fingers. ‘’It’s alright Helena,’’ His calm voice came from inside my head. I gasped, desperately scanning through the panorama in a vain search for him. ‘’But you have to run’’ My heart wanted to explode out of my chest. As if I was being rooted to the ground, my legs wouldn’t move. My brain had registered the danger before I’d even reacted, yet I couldn’t move. This time, his voice fumed with rage. ‘’Do you understand - do it now!’’_

Before I even had a clue of my surroundings, I could feel my chest heaving. Bulging my eyes open and taking in the darkness, I bolted upright in bed. The red digits beside me were the only source of light, wrapping a calming blanket around my sanity to assure I was in my room. It was four in the morning. I placed my hand to feel the sheet, wrinkled from my weight, only to realize it was damp with sweat. The dream flashed inside my head, leaving me none the wiser, the fight-or-flight was slowly but steadily wearing off.  
I plunged back in bed and spent the next two hours staring at the ceiling. By the time my alarm went off, I was already up getting dressed. 

I opened the window a few inches, sticking my hand out to feel the temperature. It was cold, but the sun was dawning behind the rooftops. Predicting the weather this early in the morning was bound to fail since September was the most mercurial month of them all; you had to watch out for the mood swings.

Dressed in a pair of dark denim jeans, along with a long sleeve black t-shirt, I braided my hair in a lazy french braid as I tip-toed downstairs. As I’d expected, my dad was still asleep and the only one keeping me company in the kitchen this morning was Figaro. He jumped on my lap, kneading biscuits as I chewed down my oatmeal. ‘’Yes, I love you too very much but that hurts’’ I winced as his claws went through the fabric. As to apologize, he meowed back and jumped off.

At exactly six forty-five, Julie pulled up outside. We sat in silence for a minute as she drove down the street. For someone so keen on talking usually, she did a good job being dead silent in the morning. Julie’s morning mood was worse than mine meaning I usually stayed off her back and she mine, except for today. 

‘’I had the strangest dream’’ I stared off into space, replaying the dream in my head. Julie shifted her grip on the wheel to indicate she was listening. ‘’I was standing by the oak, in the field behind your house and it was all stinky and rotten and awful’’ I turned my head to fix my eyes on her. ‘’And then Eric’s voice was inside my head telling me to run’’ She made a face.

‘’I know right - weird!’’

‘’Maybe it’s God telling you you’re _crazy_ in love’’

I rolled my eyes. ‘’Alright har-har-har I should’ve seen that one coming’’

‘’Man, I don’t know. Him telling you to run, what does that even mean?’’ Her sudden change in tone pushed the sarcasm aside. ‘’That’s like an omen’’ She made another face, now looking at me. I pressed my lips together to hide a smile.

‘’An omen? Since when are you superstitious?’’

‘’Don’t call me crazy. You’re the crazy one with those dreams’’ A grin finally tugged at her lips, eventually making us both laugh.

A short car ride later, Julie steered left onto school grounds, parking in her assigned space. September 15th. Homecoming week had officially begun. Monday had started with an army theme and everyone dressed up in camouflage cargo pants, painted their faces in war paint and wore a banana. As for today, Tuesday, it was a dress-all-black-or-white-theme. Julie hissed at my blue jeans as we walked towards the school. She was wearing all white; white capris, white blouse, and even a white scrunchie around her ponytail.

‘’At least I’m wearing a black shirt’’ I shrugged, utterly unbothered by the fact that I wore blue jeans. In all honesty, I’d forgotten. I’d been way too occupied all morning thinking about the dream.

‘’Now I look like an idiot’’ 

‘’Oh, shush you do not. The whole school is dressing up’’

The distant buzzing noise from cars going down the interstate highway was accompanied by sweet chirping from chickadees. The sun already burned on my back and I came to terms with wearing too much clothing, again. Baby hairs had escaped my braid, tickling my face.

Emily met us halfway to the entrance, also wearing a full-blown white outfit. I caught a glimpse of the pleased grin on Julie’s face as she realized she wouldn’t be the only one dressed up; as if that would’ve happened. ‘’Traitor’’ she teased as we entered the hallways of Columbine High. Inside was white noise. Literally. Girls were mostly dressed in white, some of the guys too, but some had on an all-black attire. I had only one person in particular in mind.

‘’Helena’’

I spun on my heel to greet the familiar voice coming from behind me. ‘’Evan!’’ 

He’d been absent most days during the first month, rather working than caring for his education. Although, other concerns pulled at his shoulders. His dad Terry, for instance. As we let go of the hug, I held him arms length. He was dressed like always; blue jeans and a black shirt, though his dirty blonde hair wasn’t cared for in a while.

He shook his head. ‘’Damn, we’re wearing the same outfit, I told you I wanted to wear a black shirt today’’ His faked angry expression soon softened into a mischievous grin. I chuckled and we started walking again to keep up with Emily and Julie. I was more or less uncomfortable with walking down the halls at this point. Both Julie and I had experienced more insulting slurs, alone and together. I had yet to grab Jeremy by his neck and put him in place, like the dog he wanted to be.

Evan, Julie and I were in calculus together for the first period. The harder we tried to not laugh and goof around, the more we did. Mr. Havens did not approve. The second period was not as upbeat as I was by myself.

Striding to my locker through the crowd of students, the dream came to mind again. I’d have to search in the library for books about dreams, but what would I look for exactly? Bleeding trees-dream? Dust storms-dream? The voice of the guy I’m falling for inside my head-dream?  
I came around the corner, to find Eric standing right there, searching through his locker.

‘’You have your locker right across and you never told me?’’ He froze in motion, darting his eyes at me. A smirk grew on his lips as I walked up to him. To my surprise, he wasn’t wearing all black. Instead, he was wearing a white t-shirt, yet the black BDU’s remained. I’d grown to feel much more comfortable with him by now, and I hoped he had too.  
As if he had trouble finding an answer to give, he embraced me in a warm hug. I could’ve easily stood there forever, with his arms around me, but as loud chatter approached us he quickly pulled away, lowering his head.

‘’Are you okay?’’

‘’Yep. Didn’t sleep too good though’’ His eyes looked right through me. ‘’How’s your day so far?’’

Just as I was to answer, the deep chattering ebbed away and you could’ve heard a needle drop. I turned my head to the right, heart dropping as Jeremy, Derek and two other dudes walked past, staring us down. Jeremy’s eyes never left Eric. Derek whispered something in Jeremy’s ear, intentionally loud enough for me and Eric to hear. ‘’The beauty and the faggot’’. It was unbelievably banal, far from funny in my book yet their laughs rumbled through the hall. In sheer anxiety, my eyes fell to the floor. Then within rapid seconds, anxiety transformed into anger. I darted my eyes back up, clenching my fists like a stubborn child. I wanted to launch after him; punch him, scream at him. But as I locked eyes with Eric’s again, the look on his face caught me off guard. His jaw was steely clenched, nostrils flaring, face inflamed with anger. His knuckles couldn’t turn any whiter or the skin would tear.

My voice broke in a whimper. ‘’Eric’’ He unclenched his teeth, wetting his lips as if me speaking his name was a comfort. A tide of emotions seemed to rush through him, eyes flickering between the ground, me and anywhere else. He looked mortified.

Tilting his head, he stared back into his locker. ‘’It’s alright’’ He did a quick shrug like someone had turned the lights back on.  
‘’I will get him for this, Eric. Believe me,’’ I was surprised by the sharp tone in my voice.  
He snapped back, the dark coming back in his eyes. ‘’Don’t do anything’’ I flinched as if he’d snapped his fingers at me, though his words rushed more like a warning than a threat. In that same moment, it struck me deep. This was why they were harassing us. Eric. Me. Us. It wasn’t just Jeremy’s anger towards me for not returning his feelings. It was Jeremy’s anger towards me, fueled by the fact that I hung out with Eric, along with Dylan. And so did Julie. But why Eric? Would it have been the same with any other guy? He’d said he didn’t like Eric.  
Eric smacked his locker shut. ‘’Trust me on that’’ He wet his lips again, sticking his chin out as he turned his stance towards me. Fighting his own battle inside his head, he lifted his arm to check the watch. ‘’We should get to class’’

**

‘’Start recording now’’ Eric stood bent over by the bike, lighting a homemade sparkler beneath it. 

Erik Veik, one of Eric and Dylan’s friends, checked the camera. ‘’It is’’

‘’Got it’’ Eric pondered, making sure the fuse was lit correctly. He stepped away off-camera as soon as it started crackling. He came to stand beside me, observing it as meticulously as a painter would observe his art. It didn’t do too much to the bike, though it burned a hole through the scattered sheets of paper around it.

‘’Don’t get it there, don’t get in there’’ Dylan warned as Eric left my side to walk back on-camera, according to Dylan ruining the shot.

‘’We’ll cut it out anyway’’ Eric hovered over the bike, the sparkler still going off, now giving off smoke. 

‘’We’ll edit it’’ Erik crouched down beside the camera.

‘’Shit’’ Eric bent down to grab the dying sparkler, seemingly disappointed by the outcome.  
I took a step forward. ‘’Watch out, it’s hot’’ 

Eric darted his eyes to me, smirking like a rebellious kid. ‘’It’s alright I’m used to it’’

‘’Alright, let’s get the computer’’

Julie sighed into her bangs as I looked over at her. This was part of our class for video production and I was just happy to be outside in the sun. A few other friends of Eric and Dylan were there on their free hour, along with people from the class, me and Julie included. We’d all composed the idea together but Dylan was the headman of the project called Car Wax Commercial. They were going to inflict as much damage to the bike as possible with the alleged car wax there to protect it. It was silly shenanigans, but I loved it. Julie didn’t appreciate it too much.

‘’Next scene up’’ Dylan yelled down to us, wrapping up the previous scene, and Eric nodded. 

‘’I’ll get the stuff’’ I strode a few steps to the left, grabbing both the sledgehammer and the baton carelessly thrown on the grass. I walked up to Eric, offering either of the alternatives. He chose the baton and told Dylan to take the hammer.

Erik raised the bike from the ground, trying to adjust it the way it had been standing before. I crouched by the camera, checking the shot.

‘’Looks good Erik’’ He flashed his eyes to me, smiling awkwardly as we didn’t know each other. He was fragile and thin, the same height as me. A little shy, but friendly.

‘’Okay let’s get to it’’ Dylan tried out his grip of the hammer, holding it firmly with both hands. Eric walked on-camera, clenching the baton in his right hand. He puffed out his chest, eyes following Dylan as he took a wide stance. They exchanged looks. Dylan whacked the first hit, smacking the handlebar right on, causing the bike to fall over. Eric took a deep breath, lunging all his strength at the back wheel. They continued beating it repeatedly; Eric becoming more and more forceful.

To me, seeing him beat up the bike had a very different meaning. I knew what was going on inside his head right there and then. I chewed on my lip, looking in another direction for a second. Around me, people started laughing. Even Julie. They suddenly stopped beating at it. ‘’Oh my god,’’ Erik chuckled, covering his face with his hand.

Eric turned to face us, meeting my gaze with a ferocious glare. Dylan chuckled, causing Eric to wheeze a laugh and I let go of my breath.

‘’Switch and let Eric have the hammer’’ Mike suggested with a grin, trading looks with Eric. 

Eric twitched his eyebrows. ‘’Oh yeah?’’ He turned to Dylan, already on his way to reach it over, handing him the baton in exchange.

‘’Is it still recording?’’ Dylan walked off-camera, stopping beside Erik. ‘’Yeah it’s on’’

Eric turned back around, adjusting his grip of the handle as he methodically raised it above his head.  
‘’Okay go’’

The power in his first whack made him stumble to the side, seemingly enraging him. He missed the bike twice then hitting it with full force the third time. For some reason, my heart was racing.

Julie leaned in to whisper in my ear. ‘’He’s got strong hands’’ My eyes bulged open, and I turned to slap her arm. She wiggled her brows to provoke me even further, a nervous giggle leaving my throat. 

‘’Are you gonna do any last ‘look even after all this it still retains its shine’?’’ Erik folded his arms over his chest. Eric gave the hammer back to Dylan and started beating the bike instead, whamming it on top of its seat. 

Eric straightened up, taking a step towards the camera, putting his hands to his hip. ‘’Oh ya that’s right’’

I looked over my shoulder only to catch Julie staring at me. ‘’Get over yourself’’ I wheezed. She made a face.  
‘’Alright let's set it back up’’ 

One final jam and Dylan stopped. Eric walked up to me and Julie, scratching his temple. ‘’Whatta you think?’’ I hoped to God my face wasn’t flustered still. I unfolded my arms, swaying them loosely back and forth like an eager child.

‘’I think it’s gonna turn out great’’ I clasped my hands together.

Julie huffed. ‘’Yeah, it better’’

‘’Ah I forgot about you, Negative Nancy’’ I was unable to read the look on Eric’s face yet it seemed that he tried goofing off underlying irritation.

Julie folded her arms, cocking a brow. ‘’Try me’’

I sighed, walking away to see if I could be of any help elsewhere. Dylan ordered me to move the camera further back, meanwhile, Mike sat the bike back up, trying not to stain his white shirt.

I took three steps back, holding the tripod steadily to avoid messing up the angle too much. Dylan was talking to a girl I didn’t recognize, and Eric walked past me, brushing his hand lightly on my arm. I pretended to be looking at the camera to hide a grin. 

‘’Helena, start the camera’’

I pressed the button to start recording, taking a step back. Erik double-checked it, Eric standing right behind him.

‘’It’s recording’’

Eric started talking mid-shoot. ‘’After all thi-’’

Erik looked back at him. ‘’It’s recording’’  
There was a moment of confusion.  
‘’Say something’’

Mike shrugged, standing behind the bike. ‘’Which one?’’

Eric swallowed. ‘’After all this, look how it retains its shine’’

‘’Oh yeah,’’ Mike gestured with a hand over the bike as he mimicked the exact words in an unnatural voice.

Dylan and the girl continued having a loud conversation in the back, and I turned to look at him, then back at Eric.

‘’Key, do it again - Dylan shut up’’ 

I pressed my lips together to hold back a laugh. Dylan and the girl looked confused. ‘’Why didn’t you tell us-’’  
Eric rolled his eyes. ‘’It’s recording’’  
We re-did the shot several times. Dylan was supposed to get on-camera right after Mike had finished the sentence and yell at him for ruining his sister’s bike. Then they would both run off-camera, Dylan chasing Mike with a baseball bat. The last take was perfect, and we all cheered before wrapping it up. Class ended and we had lunch hour coming up. Julie stayed outside talking to Emily as Eric and I walked back into school to return the camera and equipment. The mood was tense, and I was feeling discouraged by the whole Jeremy-incident still. Eric kept silent, pretending to pick at the camera to stay busy as we walked. The hallways were silent as many students had class, or was down in the cafeteria already. Hiding behind a drape of hair, I glanced over, trying to read him. He held his head high like he usually did, but something hovering over him. I swallowed hard and counted to three.

‘’I’m not gonna let it go, you know’’

He darted his eyes at me, clenching his jaw. ‘’As I said, it’s best if you do’’

I stopped dead, letting go of all my cramped up stubbornness. ‘’But why?’’ He stopped too, not knowing what to do with himself. He did that quick impatient scratch on his temple.  
‘’It’s complicated’’  
‘’How is it complicated?’’ He scanned around, looking out for any possible bystanders as he took a step closer.  
‘’It’ll make it worse. And I would know because I’ve lived through it for three years’’

I narrowed my eyes. ‘’Jeremy’s been bugging you for three years?’’ 

He tilted his head to show annoyance, staring down at the ground as if he was afraid to look at me right now. ‘’It’s not-’’ He pressed his lips together. ‘’Just let me handle it’’  
‘’I do want you to know though..’’ I lost my courage to speak as Eric finally looked up at me, unmasking a deep wonder and glistening curiosity. I swallowed again, taking a deep breath. ‘’That I care. I care a lot"

He blinked a few times, letting my words sink in. ‘’I guess I’m aware of that’’

**

The rest of the day progressed with a strange feeling. My participation in the rest of the classes was half-hearted and inattentive from lack of concentration, and one of my teachers even asked if I was feeling sick. It agitated me that I wasn’t able to withhold better than that. I just wanted to go home. 

Finally dismissed, I was out of calculus class faster than I’d ever left a room before. Julie was right on my heel, grabbing my arm. ‘’Hey, slow down’’  
I spun around, Julie's smile fading as my frown killed it off. "You look like you could kill a man" I turned back around to start walking and Julie followed.

"Evan was looking for you before, where were you?" My mind flashed back to Eric and our conversation.

I stopped dead and spun around again, Julie almost bumping into me. "Did you know Jeremy's a fucking maniac? And Derek, and every other asshole guy that we've been hanging out with?"

Julie stood wide-eyed, almost not believing what was coming out of my mouth, tilting her head. "What am I missing?"

I sighed. "I'll tell you tomorrow or whatever, can we just go home?" I felt weak, a familiar burn tickling my nose. Tears. I was on the brim of tears. Julie walked up close, pulling me into a hug. "Whatever it is, I'm sure it'll be fine, okay? Alright, let's go"

Julie dropped me off at my house. My heart ached with gratefulness as the car ride had been just as quiet as I had wished for, her giving me space.  
I knocked out as soon as I reached my room, burying my face into my pillow. Waking up four hours later, I felt like a new person. A new person with a headache. Dad and I ate dinner together, then I helped with laundry and did a much-needed trim on Figaros claws. Locking myself back into my room, I decided to start the computer. I hadn't been on for weeks.

It went through the usual procedure, gurgling and squirming before it finally reached the turquoise home screen. AOL popped up, along with my e-mail. I hovered the cursor over ‘Sign on’ for a second before clicking it. Julie was online. Rebdomine: offline.

**Jules_82:** Hey, you okay?  
**Helena1982:** im alright. Just exhausted beyond belief.  
**Jules_82:** well I wont nag you but I’d appreciate it if you told me what the hell is going on.  
**Helena1982:** tomorrow.  
**Jules_82**: fine. So what’s up? Is eric online?

My cheeks flushed.

**Helena1982:** nope.  
**Jules_82: **did you talk to evan yet? he was looking for you after video class  
**Helena1982:** did he say why?  
**Jules_82:** geez Helena sometimes you are a fool  
**Helena1982:** ummmm thanks i guess  
**Jules_82: **whenever he calls give me an update alright?  
**Helena1982:** ya know it  
A few minutes later, I searched the internet for dreams. I first typed in ‘oak dreams’, the result advising me that dreaming about oaks was bound to a long, healthy life. As I then looked up ‘dust storm dreams’, my heart dropped. Julie had been right, even if she’d been laughing about it: dust storms did represent a bad omen. I snorted and shrugged it off, closing the window. ‘’Right,’’ I sighed to myself. Two fast knocks on my door made me jump.

‘’Evan on the phone’’ Dad’s muffled voice informed, and I immediately got off the chair, opening the door. I almost laughed out loud at the coincidence. Dad was already on his way down the stairs as I followed. Down in the kitchen, the receiver was placed on top of the counter, impatiently waiting for me to pick it up.

‘’Hey, Evan’’  
‘’Hi, what’s going on?’’  
‘’Um, nothing. I’m just on the computer,’’  
‘’Oh, cool. I tried finding you at school earlier but I never got a hold of you,’’

I chewed on my lip. ‘’Yeah, sorry’’

Pause.

‘’Alright so I know you don’t like prom and stuff but, would you go with me? It’s silly I know, but we could go just to make fun of it’’ A short laugh followed.

I scrunched up my face, closing my eyes. ‘’Umm, I don’t know,’’

‘’Oh, come on. We can crash it. You, me and Julie,’’ 

I exhaled a laugh, thinking of the three of us together. We made a good team, but prom I hated. And even though I had no intention of going, I still wondered why Eric hadn’t asked me. Maybe he wasn’t going either. I realized I had left Evan hanging.  
‘’We can talk about it tomorrow, alright? I’m dead tired right now,’’

‘’Fair enough. Sleep on it, and I’ll see you tomorrow. Good night amiga’’

I smiled. ‘’Good night amigo’’

Dragging myself back upstairs, I brushed my teeth and went to bed. I didn’t bother turning off the computer, and the buzzing sang me to sleep.


	8. Adrenaline

I scrubbed off the last sticky patch from the counter, before adjusting the apron around my waist. Tonight was slow, and we'd had few customers, not much to our surprise since summer was ending. Thankfully, I worked together with Christa and I loved working with her. She reminds me a lot of Julie; gruff humor and thick skin. She's two years older and in college, meaning, I also learn from her a great deal.

Tonight was prom night, and I had decided to work instead of going. Julie and Evan had stopped by to say hi before heading to school. Evan was well-dressed in a blue shirt, marine blue tie, and black slacks. Julie had on a bel air blue, satin dress in gorgeous contrast to her olive skin, that went down to her ankles. They made a good looking couple.

With only thirty minutes left of work, I started getting ready to leave. Christa and I wiped off the tables that had been used, pushing the chairs back in nice and tidy. I went out back, tossing out empty ice-cream containers and as I did a quick scan over the dark parking lot, a car caught my attention. Parked right beside my car was Eric's Honda. I snorted, shifting my gaze towards Blackjacks backdoor. Suddenly, the door swung open and Christa's freckled face appeared.

''Some guy is asking for you inside'' She cocked her head, stepping outside to have a smoke.

I frowned, catching the door before it closed. ''Alright,''

Facing the other way, Eric carelessly studied the surroundings as I approached behind the counter. I lost all control over my smile. ''Nice hat,'' I'd never seen him wear it before; a black hat with the KMFDM logo. Hands buried in his pockets, he quickly turned around with a smirk on his lips. 

''Thanks. Nice outfit,'' He walked up close to lean onto the counter, wetting his lips. ''How come you're not attending prom like everyone else?'' 

I challenged myself by taking a step forward, also leaning onto the counter, face mere inches away from his. ''I hate prom. What's your excuse?''

His hazel eyes admiringly studied every detail of my face, stopping at my lips. ''For similar reasons'' As though his confidence failed him, he straightened back up, scratching his neck. ''I just got off my shift. Dylan and I are checking out prom for fun. We're thinking of setting off some firecrackers around the school,'' He chuckled. ''You wanna come with us?''

I snorted, glaring up at him. ''That's the worst idea,''

Eric's smirk widened. ''I know, that's why we're doing it,'' I shook my head, smiling, imagining how much trouble they'd be in if they got caught.

''Yeah, what the hell, I'll come. I get off in 10 minutes''

He exhaled a chuckle. ''Great! My car's out back by your car, I'll wait for ya there,'' Putting his right hand back into his pocket, he turned around, walking out the door. Biting the inside of my cheek, I followed him with my eyes through the glass windows as he disappeared around the corner.

''Who was that?'' I jumped as Christa's voice came from right behind me. She took a halt beside me, untying her apron.

''Um, that's Eric. He's a senior at school,'' A suppressed laugh left my throat, immediately betraying me.

She winked at me. ''Oh - just a senior at school, huh?''

I shook my head, unable to hold back another laugh. ''What is it with everyone reading me like an open book, jesus''

''Honey, your eyes are sparkling,''

**

After locking up, Christa and I hugged before walking separate ways. Her car was parked out front, and I gave her a last wave as I walked around the corner. I didn't even have to be close to hear the loud music coming from what I knew was Eric's car. His headlights were on, but the car was silent. Approaching with speed, I observed him as he stepped out from the driver's seat, circling the hood with a smirk. Holding back, he folded his arms over his chest. I walked past him, unlocking my car.

Meeting his gaze, I narrowed my eyes. ''What song is this?'' The beat was fast-pumping and hard.

''Waste,''

I basked in silence for a second listening in, slowly nodding. ''Hm, yeah I like it'' He chuckled in response.

I bent down inside the car to toss my backpack on the seat. ''You're sneaky, you know that?''

He made sure he'd heard me correctly. ''Sneaky?''

I laughed. ''Correct. Not telling me you were working tonight, parking beside my car, showing up at my workplace,'' I straightened back up, shutting the door.

His smirk remained unchanged, eyes studying me thoroughly. His face was half-lit by the street lamps, intensifying his facial structure. ''Well, you have to keep it interesting. And in my defense, I work two doors down''

Walking up close, I leaned against my car right in front of him. ''I've realized I know very little about you,''

He opened his arms. ''I'm all yours''

''Favorite movie?''

His answer came quick and with confidence. ''Lost Highway,''

''What's your thought on religion?''

''There's no god. Evolution is the reason for our existence,''

''Mankind?''

He shrugged. ''Stupid,''

I tilted my head, smiling to show how intrigued I was. ''What's a dream you have?''

''Oh, I have several. Moving far away from Colorado, maybe to some exotic place. But mostly being the only person left on earth, except I'd need a few people for obvious reasons,''

I exhaled a laugh. ''That's one helluva a dream you got there. You'd have to kill off the whole planet,''

He shifted his eyes to the ground for a second, losing himself to his thoughts. ''It'd be a good restart though. People nowadays are dumbasses,''

''Yeah, do you ever feel sometimes-'' I lowered my voice, even though the parking lot was completely dead, not a soul in sight. ''that you're much smarter than everybody else?''

His eyes darted back up, boring into mine. As seconds passed, I thought I'd upset him until he finally wheezed a laugh. ''Yep, every minute of the day. I don't know if they're just really dumb or we're really smart,''

''I'd say the latter'' We stood there, smiling at each other in silence for what seemed like a whole minute, fully enjoying the company of one another.

He checked his watch. ''Shit, we gotta go'' Walking back around, he suggested we should drive my car back before picking up Dylan. I agreed since I also had to let my dad know where I would be. As I took place in the driver's seat of my car, I seriously contemplated buying a phone, or at least a pager. It would save a bunch of time.

Parking in my driveway, I cast a glance into the kitchen window, dully lit by the cabinet lights. No sign of Dad. Eric parked by the curb with his engine running and I jogged towards the entrance.

Dad was on his feet from the couch as soon as he heard the door open and close. ''Hey, how was work?'' His tanned, smiling face appeared around the corner of the living area.

''It was alright, a little dead - hey, Dad, I'm gonna hang out with Eric for a while,''

He cocked a brow, nodding, leaning against the doorframe. ''Alright, is he picking you up?''

''He's outside already, he met me after work. He works at Blackjacks.'' Dad's eyes automatically wandered to the window in search. ''Just be careful. Oh, and bring a jacket.'' He pointed to my thin cardigan. ''It's getting cold,''

I stepped back outside, my jacket casually thrown over my shoulders. ''Bye, Dad,''

He waved at me, and Eric. ''If you're not back before midnight, I'm calling Wayne,'' I snorted in silence, nodding back at him.

**

''What's up?'' Dylan stepped inside, taking the chilly air with him before closing the door. Eric and I looked back, greeting him. We'd stopped in Eric's neighborhood to pick up Dylan from a friend, whom I didn't know. All I knew was, he was in their class.

''Alright, where to? Clement Park?'' Eric observed Dylan through the rearview mirror, revealing a secluded connection between them.

''Yeah man, we gotta lay low,'' Dylan chuckled, quickly pushing a curl away behind his ear. He looked eager, roaming his gaze around. His hair looked reddish in the dim light, and the black trench coat widened his lanky shoulders, seemingly giving him confidence.

''How was work?'' He tried looking directly at me but shifted his eyes away soon after. I smiled.

''It actually sucked,'' We all laughed together. ''Not too many customers. It's getting too cold I guess. I'm so not looking forward to winter,''

Dylan nodded. ''Winter is depressing, man. Sucks,'' Staring into space, he casually snapped his fingers to the song.

We all enjoyed the silence for a while, listening to music. As we pulled into the parking lot by Clement Park, I rolled down the window an inch to see if I could hear anything from the on-going Homecoming dance. The school was just on the other side of the hill, but I heard nothing. Eric chose a hidden spot behind some large trees, and we stepped out into the cold air. Out of habit, I looked up into the sky, allowing myself to be mesmerized by the stars.

I hugged the jacket closer around me and watched as Eric and Dylan opened the trunk. The look on their faces spoke volumes, tempting me to join them. Inside, hidden by the spare tire were all types of firecrackers - even fireworks. They talked about them in a way I didn't understand. Eric's eyes glowed with enthusiasm as he grabbed one, handing it over to Dylan.

''Let's take this one,'' Eric grabbed another. ''And uh, this one.'' I stood silent, chewing on my bottom lip. Dylan was consumed, checking the firecracker out as Eric glanced at me with a smirk. The raw look in his eyes made me blush.

Even though the whole idea reeked and went against me, I was amped up by the time we reached the hill. Eric and Dylan were giggling, hovering down as if they were approaching a battlefield. I giggled too, nervously staying back behind Eric. As they continued down the field, I stopped to hide behind a tree; I knew my dad would give me the curfew of a lifetime if I got caught with this.

Listening to my racing heartbeat in the peaceful night, I tried to make out either of them on the field. They blended perfectly against the dark grass, wearing all black. Before I had time to react, they launched back towards me, running for their lives. From behind them, a loud crack went off and I recoiled in surprise.''Oh, shit,''

Slowing down their pace, they stopped right beside me, laughing their asses off. I shook my head in disbelief, grinning. ''Shit, we gotta do the other one too,'' Dylan exclaimed, catching his breath, almost jumping up and down from excitement. Eric remained calm, yet a wide smirk revealed how euphoric he was. ''Helena, come with us for this one,'' Eric whispered and Dylan shifted his eyes between us. I swallowed hard, sighing. I felt the pressure from their ecstatic glares on me as I finally nodded. ''Fuck...okay," I exhaled, giggling.

Sneaking back into the field, I was right on their heel, hiding behind Dylan's tall frame. Eric snuck up close. ''You okay?''

''Let's just do this,'' I wheezed, completely focused on the mission before me. Getting closer, loud chattering was heard from the west entrance, echoing over the senior parking lot. As we reached the concrete wall, Eric placed the cracker on the ground, flicking his Zippo open. The fuse was lit within seconds, and I froze. Eric grabbed my arm in a hurry. ''Come on,'' We charged back, Dylan in the lead. A sudden wailing sound shot off into the air and a loud explosion sent sparks flying, lighting up the sky.

''That was not a fucking firecracker!'' I couldn't hold back a laugh as I sprinted for dear life beside Eric. Both Eric and Dylan continuously cackled as we stepped off onto the concrete, aiming for Eric's car. In the distance from behind the hill, a flashlight beam swept around in the dark. ''We're calling the police!'' A deep, angry voice called out, most likely coming from one of our teachers.

''Oh, fucking shit, get in the car! Now!'' Dylan's eyes were frantic, and we bolted to the car. Before I'd even closed the door, Eric backed us up, speeding us out of there. He was laughing like a maniac, smacking the wheel. ''Holy crap! Shit!'' The adrenaline rush sent shivers down my spine.

''That was fucking close,'' Dylan exhaled loudly, pushing his hair back with both his hands, chest still heaving.

I held a hard grip on the door handle. ''Did they see us?!''

Eric darted his eyes to the rearview mirror, turning back in his seat. Dylan followed his example, searching the surroundings.

''No, I think we're good. There's no way they saw us from behind the hill,''

''What if they saw your car?!''

''Then that's on me, but I don't think so,'' Eric's calmness swept over me, gradually decreasing my racing heartbeat. Then I laughed. ''You guys are insane!''

''Hey, you were there too,'' Eric glanced at me, raising his eyebrows.

''Yeah, if they catch us, we're turning you in,'' Dylan teased, surprising me to an extent where I had to look back to check if that was really him in the backseat. Eric chuckled beside me. 

''Right, I knew it!''

**

With the adrenaline all worn off, we pulled up outside Dylan's house. We'd stopped at a gas station on our way there to buy snacks and drinks; slimjims for Eric, Dr. Pepper for Dylan and Oreos for me. Dylan's parents were away for the weekend, and his brother wasn't home either, meaning we had the whole house to ourselves. Eric had suggested we could watch a movie and hang out. We stayed for two hours, watched Pulp Fiction and listened to some music in Dylan's room. I also cuddled with his cat Rocky during the whole movie, and he stole my heart entirely. Eric and I left an hour before midnight as he wanted to make sure he got me back home in time.

''Let's go back up to that place,'' I suggested, leaning towards Eric in my seat. He shifted his eyes to me, already smirking.

''Ha! I knew you'd wanna go back there. I'm starting to know you now,'' Steering right, he accoutered without hesitation.

A little defeated and blushing, I narrowed my eyes. ''How so?''

''I see how you watch the stars,'' His gaze was back on the road, focusing more on what he was thinking than driving. ''I've never seen anyone do that before. I mean sure, people look at the stars but you do it with depth. There's a difference,'' A smile grew on my lips, basking in the fact that he had his eyes on me more than I was aware of.

He glanced at me nervously. ''What?''

''Jag gillar dig, väldigt mycket, (I like you, a lot)'' My Swedish was rusty, but I still managed to pronounce it right even though Eric wouldn't be able to tell anyway.

He frowned, smirk growing bigger. ''Yep - I know exactly what that means,'' This made me laugh, knowing I sounded like an alien to him.

He chuckled. ''You gotta tell me what it means!''

''I will, eventually,'' I patted him on the shoulder, teasing him.

''Ahh, geez. I can't believe you're putting me on hold here,''

I winked at him, my face turning red as I immediately regretted it. ''I assure you, it's worth it''

After a couple of minutes, I recognized the hidden pathway from afar, leading up to the plateau. The trees had yet to change color into the warm tones of fall, still flourishing in green. Nothing had changed since the last time we were here, apart from the temperature. We took a halt right by the same spot, not as eager to step outside this time. Eric left the heat running and turned on music on low volume.

''I had so much fun, I'm not gonna lie,'' Looking down at my hands, I bit my lip and glanced at him. He adjusted himself towards me, trying to get comfortable. A familiar feeling stirred in the air, making it harder to breathe.

He nodded. ''I'm happy you went with us, not many girls would. You're really cool, and fun,'' He stopped himself right as he was to say something else, closing his mouth. He clenched his jaw, inhaling, seemingly frustrated with himself. ''I just have to pinch myself sometimes cause of how unreal this is. You're... so gorgeous and you're here, in my car with me,'' He snorted, eyes falling to his lap.

''Why wouldn't I be in your car with you?''

''Ahh well if you think hard about it, I think you know,''

''I really don't,'' He flashed his eyes at me, blinking as to convince himself of my presence. He smirked, showing teeth. 

Then the earth stopped rotating. I welcomed the searing rush inside me, crawling over to his lap. Wide-eyed, he locked his gaze with mine, pulling me into him, kissing me more passionately than all other times before. Resistantly, I pulled away, unzipping my jacket and tossing it. Eric's glare followed my every movement, hungrily longing to collide his lips with mine once more. I exhaled a shy giggle as Eric couldn't stop himself from biting into his bottom lip, watching me unbutton my cardigan; face flushed, lips parting. His hardness underneath me sent pleasant jolts through my abdomen, introducing me to a wet sensation I'd never experienced. Eric placed his hands on my hips, holding himself from devouring me with his touch as I exposed my bosom. He pushed himself against my chest, arms tightening around me, sharply inhaling every scent as he placed his lips on mine again. Lips parting, we merged together as one in an uncoordinated kiss. His hands were almost trembling, gently tracing down the bare skin on my back. Then he suddenly grabbed my arms, pushing me away from him, staring into my soul. Predicting his question, I whispered, voice shaky. ''I want to do this...''

He let go of a soft chuckle. ''I just want it to be perfect for you,'' I put my hand to his chest, undeniably feeling his pounding heart. ''And I could kill myself, but I don't have a condom,''

I pressed my lips together, embarrassment washing over me. ''Oh shit, I totally forgot,'' I buried my face in my hands, Eric quickly grabbing them in his own. ''Hey, don't hide your face. We're in this together. Fucking sucks,'' He chuckled and flicked his eyes to our hands, knitting them together.

I took a long deep breath, regaining my senses. Goosebumps prickled my bare shoulders, all the way to my chest. Eric leaned forward, kissing my collarbone, up my neck to my cheek. Brushing his lips against my ear, he whispered. ''Just know - that I want you so bad,'' Another jolt sparked through me, sending me off to the moon. I quivered, purposely squeezing his hands.

''Alright, we have to stop or I'll...'' I shook my head, taking another deep breath followed by a snicker. Eric's eyebrows twitched. ''You'll what?'' A devious smirk grew on his lips, well aware of what kind of effect it had on me.

'Stop caring about the current issue,''

He wet his lips. ''I see,''

I buttoned my shirt, plunging back into my seat. Eric glanced at me with visible shame in his eyes, starting the car. He discreetly adjusted his pants, trying to seem unbothered. I chewed on my lip, searching for words to break the sweltering silence. Eric spared us. ''Are you cold?''

''No, I'm okay. Hey - this doesn't change anything,'' Irrational thoughts rushed through my mind, thinking I'd made him feel rejected though it was just our bad luck going against us, as usual. Nothing else.

''Nothing's changing,'' He assured, laying his hand on mine. He avoided looking at me, and I knew I had to let it go.

**

Stopping by the curb, Eric lowered the volume as he turned to me. We'd both been painfully quiet and abrupt the whole way back, though he seemed to be in a lighthearted mood now, smiling. Leaning in, he placed his hand on my neck, pushing his lips against mine. His sudden confidence startled me, and I couldn't stop a smile from breaking the kiss. ''See you tomorrow?'' He whispered, our faces inches apart. I nodded, and his hand shifted to my cheek, giving it a light stroke.

I gave him a last lingering kiss before stepping out of the car. I couldn't bear myself to turn around for a last look as he drove away, afraid I would run right after him. The only thing on my mind was, I had to talk to Julie about this. I needed to vent. Tonight had been a rollercoaster ride, to say the least.

Dad met me by the door, half-awake from sleeping on the couch. He hugged me goodnight and went on his way to bed, stopping abruptly to tell me Julie called. Entering the kitchen, I glanced at the clock. 12:10 A.M. She'd be awake.

One signal, two signals, three signals...

A rattling noise shook me awake. ''Helena, Jesus fucking Christ, thank God you called,'' Her voice was sour.

''Um, what's up?!'' I straightened my back, pressing the receiver closer to my ear.

''Fucking Jeremy, I swear. He practically stalked me the entire night, asking me shit about you. I told him to fuck right off,''

''Ho-ho-ho, wait a minute, slow down. Was Evan with you?''

''Yeah, he backed me up but still, Jeremy wouldn't leave us the fuck alone,''

I closed my eyes, not wanting to hear another word about Jeremy. ''Was he drunk?''

''Honestly, I'd say yeah he was, cause he was acting really weird,''

I huffed. ''He has some nerve,''

''Yeah, tell me about it. He talked shit about Eric too.'' That hit like a punch in the gut.

''What did he say?''

''He said Eric's a psycho, and that he and Dylan are freaks. Honestly, I stopped listening 'cause fuck him. I hope you never talk to him again,''

''Trust me, I don't want to,''

''Also, we heard some firecrackers going off and it scared the living shit outta me. Mr. Talocco was pissed off his ass,'' She burst into laughter, and I couldn't hold back either.

''Alright, promise you won't tell a soul...''

''What-what?'' She wheezed.

''Get your butt over here tomorrow and I'll tell you everything.''


	9. Halloween

‘’You did what?!’’ Julie’s mouth fell open. I nodded in response, confirming what I’d just said.

‘’My sweet innocent Helena lighting firecrackers? No way!’’

I raised the glass to my lips, rolling my eyes. ‘’Well, I didn’t exactly light them,’’

‘’But you were there!’’ She pointed out, making a face.

We were having breakfast at a diner. Julie knocked on my front door at exactly nine a.m. this morning, waking the whole house. Dad had been muttering to himself as he stuck his head out from his room; irritated, but not surprised when I told him who it was.

‘’So, how are things with you and Eric?’’ Just hearing his name turned me into a nervous wreck.

‘’It’s-’’ Staring down at the plate, I picked at the bacon with my fork, an unstoppable smile growing. ‘’It’s going well,’’ Julie snorted.

‘’Ohhhh I know that face,’’ She leaned in, whispering. ‘’Did you do it?’’

I blushed again, closing my eyes, not knowing what to do with myself. ‘’No, we did not,’’

‘’Bullshit.’’ Her grin was wider than ever.

I shook my head, snickering. ‘’We really didn’t,’’

She leaned back with a smug smile, folding arms over her chest. ‘’Jesus Helena, you’re gonna give this poor dude blue balls,’’

I stared before throwing a rolled-up napkin at her. ‘’Oh my god, I can’t believe the stuff coming outta your mouth sometimes,’’

She started laughing. ‘’I’m just saying,’’ I hid my face with one hand, reaching for another sip of my orange juice.

After paying and leaving, we drove around in Julie’s car, prattling about school, her continuous crush on Michael and what we wanted to be for Halloween coming up in a month. I wanted to dress up as a Terminator, meanwhile, Julie wanted to go as Velma from Scooby-Doo. I told her it fit her, like the wiseass she is. She asked about Eric again, and I told her he had work today. I had yet to confess we’d been irresponsible enough to forget the condom.  
She dropped me off at my house, telling me she’d call me later as soon as she’d talked to Michael. I finally had enough ground to stand on to tease her about him now. 

Dad wasn’t home but Figaro kept me company as I kicked off my shoes in the foyer. Walking up to my room, Eric crossed my mind in the most forbidden ways. I couldn’t help but feel guilty, my face all heated up, butterflies tickling my gut along with other places. The sensation was overwhelming, and it almost had me laughing out loud. I felt bottled up and exploding with emotion. All kinds of emotion. Slight embarrassment washed over me again, as I thought about us in the car. Me straddling him. The kissing. His hands on me. I took a deep breath as I sat down on my bed, thoughts intoxicating my whole body. Biting my lip was an involuntary movement at this point.

After watching some TV, I heard Dad come home. He called out for me and I walked downstairs to join him in the kitchen. He’d bought us lunch, telling me he had some very important news. He tortured me long enough to have me wait until we were seated to tell me.

‘’Your mom and your brother are coming here for Christmas,’’ I almost dropped the fork as I was to take a bite of the chicken. He kept eyeing his salad, not daring to meet my gaze for he knew I’d catch him bursting with joy. He’d never gotten over my mom. He’d never laid eyes on another woman, and he still loved her. I knew from the way he spoke of her.

‘’What?!’’

He nodded, chewing and picking at his food to seem occupied. Then he finally looked up as he shoved a bite into his mouth, restraining himself from grinning, almost looking infatuated.

‘’How - when - what?’’ A smile grew on my lips as well.

He fake-coughed, clearing his throat. ‘’Well, your mother and I have been discussing it for a while and we concluded that it’d be nice if they came here for the holidays. For all of us,’’

I sat there, completely blown away. He spoke again after swallowing. ‘’It’s good for you to see her and your brother too,’’

A short excited shriek left my throat, and I cupped my hands over my mouth. Dad chuckled, his face turning back to serious just as fast. ‘’Now, this doesn’t necessarily mean anything. We’re just taking it slow, trying things out,’’ I saw hope grow in his eyes with every word. ‘’See how it goes.’’

I narrowed my eyes. ‘’You’ve secretly been talking to mom?! This is-’’ I started shaking my head, grinning to the point where I almost became teary-eyed. ‘’This is amazing, Dad!’’ He looked proud, straightening his back.

‘’How sneaky though!’’ I teased him, making him crack a belly-laugh. My heart was filled to the brim with warmth, chest almost aching with pure bliss. I ended up pressing him for more information, and apparently, they’d been talking since the day I came back to Colorado. We sat at the table for a good three hours, talking about me as a kid, my brother, the first time I learned how to ride a bike on my own; the sentimental but fun stuff. When dad got a phone call, I walked back upstairs. After closing my door, the excitement took a hold of me and I danced around like a fool. Thinking I wanted to tell the whole world about it, I sat down in front of the computer, starting it.

I clicked on Julie’s name in less than one second.

**Helena1982:** Guess WHAAAAAT  
**Jules_82:** eric proposed?  
**Helena1982:** pssh no. My mom and my brother are coming here for freaking Xmas!!!  
**Jules_82: **say whaaaaat, are you serious?  
**Helena1982: **dad told me. I almost can’t believe it  
**Jules_82:** I BET they’re getting back together.  
**Helena1982:** My dad said not to think too much of it. But he started talking about ‘we are taking things slow’ etc.  
**Jules_82:** THEY ARE getting back together I swear to you  
**Helena1982: **I’m just so happy….  
**Jules_82:** im happy for you!!! And hey, I have to meet your brother. He’s so funny lol  
**Helena1982:** ew no he’s annoying

Rebdomine online.

**REB DoMiNe: **hey =]

My heart skipped a beat, cheeks burning up.

**Helena1982:** hello! :-) how was work?  
**REB DoMiNe: **meh, the usual. some idiot brats tried to steal some stuff. Dylan caught em red-handed.  
**Helena1982:** what?? what the hell!!!  
**REB DoMiNe: **yep. people are getting weirder by the day. why the hell would you want to steal anything from a pizzeria anyway  
**Helena1982: **I have to admit I’ve been thinking about that dream you have, about being the only person left with close friends and family. it does sound very nice lol  
**REB DoMiNe:** heh, yep. told you. You, me and a couple of others  
**REB DoMiNe: **=]  
**Helena1982: **hmmm really gets you thinking  
**REB DoMiNe: **so how’s your day so far? doing anything special?  
**Helena1982:** julie picked me up at 9 this morning lol. We went for breakfast at that place by platte river. Hmm forgot the name.  
**REB DoMiNe: **Angie’s?  
**Helena1982:** Right! That’s the name  
**REB DoMiNe:** that’s a pretty neat place.

I pondered, hovering my hands over the keyboard. I kept thinking everything seemed way more awkward over the computer and still had problems adjusting to not being able to read the person’s expressions or looking them in the eye. Or was it the way we’d ended things last night? Anxiety fell like a blanket over my head, causing me to lean away from the computer. I battled myself for a minute, watching as he started typing again.

**REB DoMiNe: **any plans for next weekend? i was thinking friday or saturday.  
**Helena1982: **hmm, no nothing planned. why?  
**REB DoMiNe:** i want to take you out for dinner. someplace nice that you like. or maybe if you want i can chose. it doesn’t really matter to me.

I gaped as my heart performed flips in my chest. I had to read it over and over, my mind already erasing every single trace of worry I’d had a minute ago.

**Helena1982: **I’d love that! :-) we can go anywhere  
**REB DoMiNe:** alright, then i have somewhere in mind. Heh.

After some more chatting, he said he had to leave because his parents were bugging him about chores. I told him I understood, and we said goodbye. I was on cloud nine at this point. My parents seemed to have figured something out, Eric asking me out for dinner - what else could be better? I did another spin around the room, falling onto my bed, staring up at the ceiling. Another sequence of me and him in his car played fresh in my memory, flustering my cheeks again. With various thoughts lingering, I struggled with keeping my eyes open, eventually welcoming a nap.

**

The months seemed to pass by faster than ever before. We were deep into the term now, and schoolwork suffocated me at times. Eric and I studied together at least one day a week, bringing us closer and closer. I was also getting to know more of his friends on a greater level, and Dylan I considered a friend by now. Evan and Julie were hanging out with us a lot too, and they liked Eric. ‘’He’s a good guy. I can tell he really likes you’’, Evan had told me one day at school after seeing us together and I had blushed to the point where I had to cover my face.

Jeremy, on the other hand, was a different chapter. I’d completely blocked him out of my system. Every chance he got, he made sure I saw him flirting with other girls in the cafeteria like it would change anything. As if it would magically make me run over to him and smother him with kisses, confessing my undying love for him. At least in his head. The taunting had gradually toned down, making it easier to walk down the hallways again. At least for me and Julie. Eric didn’t talk about it too much, but I knew he was weighed down. I tried my best to keep his chin up, though sometimes I had a feeling he was hiding something from me until I shrugged it off as my paranoia.

October 31st. Today was going to be an eventful day. Me, Julie, Evan, Dylan and Eric and some of their other friends had been invited to a Halloween party close to my neighborhood. Julie had stayed the night and was already at my house, prepping for the day. We’d bought makeup, sunglasses and a pair of leather pants for me at a thrift shop. They would go perfectly with my mom’s old leather jacket and would make the perfect costume for a Terminator. Julie had been planning for her Velma costume over a month and she had all the right things; an orange shirt, a red skirt, a pair of terrible square glasses and even a wig.

‘’If people can’t tell what I’m supposed to be, they’re blind obviously,’’ She huffed holding the wig, combing through it.

I rolled my eyes at her, going through my outfit in my head. ‘’Or they just haven’t seen Scooby-Doo,’’

‘’Then their childhood sucked.’’ She added, carefully hanging the wig on the bed knob, a righteous smile smeared in her face. We roamed around in my room, gassing each other up for tonight. Both our outfits were spread out on the bed, along with the accessories. Evan was coming over later, and so was Eric and Dylan. Eric had refused to reveal what he was dressing up as, making me ridiculously impatient to see him. I love dressing up, therefore I adore other people’s efforts too. But Eric wasn’t any people. He was Eric; he who made my heart skip a beat every time I saw him.

Julie nudged my arm, bringing me back to reality. ‘’Are you listening?’’ I nodded in response, receiving a curious look from her. ‘’Like I was saying-’’ She scratched her forehead, thinking. ‘’I need different shoes, the boots won’t work.’’

I whirled around to head for the closet, opening it. I knew I had a pair of black mary janes laying around in there. As I searched through piles of old clothes, I noticed something different. I picked up a plaid shirt, casually thrown onto a shelf, way too big for anything I would wear. Raising it to my face, I smelled the collar and without a second thought realizing it was Eric’s shirt he’d let me borrow that first time.

Dad’s voice called from downstairs, letting us both know Evan was here. In an abrupt hurry, I put the shirt back on the shelf, bearing in mind that I had to give it back. My eye caught the shoes last second, and I grabbed them before walking back out.

Evan looked hilarious in a hot dog costume, scaring Figaro half to death as he entered the house. We shared a good laugh, hugging and cracking jokes and Dad was ready with the camera, snapping a picture of us. He posed like a goof, with me right beside him trying to hold back laughter. Gathering in the kitchen, we finished preparing our Halloween themed snacks, drinking dad’s famous pumpkin spice punch. The non-alcoholic one. Later on, we were back in my room, blasting music. Julie put on her outfit first, rather looking hot than geeky. Evan howled at me as I re-entered the room, all dressed from head to toe in leather except for the white tank top. Julie helped me with makeup, making my cheek look torn and ripped open, exposing robotic metal.

‘’Shit, you look so damn cool,’’ Evan grinned as I put the sunglasses on, wiggling my brows. Stepping in front of the mirror, I did nothing but agree, thinking I’d done a pretty good job. Julie posed beside me, leaning onto me with her elbow on my shoulder. ‘’We make a great fucking team,’’

‘’Hey, what about me?’’ Evan whined, pouting as he stuck his head in the mirror behind us. I chuckled, stepping aside to make room for him. Julie joked about him only having ketchup and no mustard therefore he was excluded. Like the sneak she is, Julie pulled out a hip flask from her backpack, exchanging wicked looks with Evan and me. She poured a small amount into each of our drinks, giggling and I sighed, scared shitless that Dad would catch us.

Just as I’d finished fixing my hair and putting on mascara in the bathroom, there was a loud knock on the door. I barged out, trying to compose myself as I almost flew down the stairs with Julie on my heel. Dad was already on his way to answer, and as he opened the door I fixed my eyes on Eric, dressed in a black sweatshirt, hood up, lurking behind big mirrored aviators. A wide lopsided smirk grew on his lips, letting me know he’d already been checking me out ten times over in a matter of seconds. Dylan was right behind him, wearing all black, his long trenchcoat intensifying the look even further.

‘’Mr. Beckenfort,’’ Stepping inside, Eric took off his sunglasses and pulled the hood down, greeting Dad with a stern handshake. Dylan respectfully introduced himself too, bowing his head. I could tell he was in distress as his eyes aimlessly darted around, trying out stances he was comfortable with. New environment, new impressions.

‘’What are you supposed to be? A hobo?’’ Julie teased with a giggle after giving Dylan a welcoming hug, remarking Eric. I screamed internally, waiting for Eric’s reaction. Evan came down from upstairs, joining us in the now crowded foyer.

Eric snorted, shifting his eyes to Evan. ‘’Not really - what’s up, man’’ He did a quick salute and Evan stepped forward to shake his hand. ‘’All good, dude. Sup, Dylan,’’ They all acknowledged each other only guys can, ending up in a stiff silence.

Dad smacked his hands together. ‘’Alright, guys, I’m thinking I’ll leave you to it now. But first I need a picture of all of you together,’’ I handed out an apologizing glance to everyone, smiling at Eric.

‘’Great!’’ Julie cheered, putting an arm around me. Evan came to stand behind me, Dylan beside him, and Eric beside me, leaning in close. His familiar scent twirled in the air around me, making my heart thump faster. Our hands touched, and I tried my hardest concentrating on Dad and the camera, smiling from ear to ear. The flash went off, and we scattered. ‘’Nice, thanks!’’ Dad boasted, giving a thumbs up.

Dad left shortly thereafter, and we moved to the living area. Evan complained about sitting down in his costume, earning witty comments from Julie. Dylan had taken place in one of the armchairs, looking much more comfortable. Of course, they’d brought alcohol with them, though they’d been tactful enough to leave it in Dylan’s car until Dad left. Dad’s punch was now spiked with vodka and I couldn’t help but feel a little guilty. We listened to music, ate snacks, discussed history from every century, the boys rambling way too long about WW2 as always.

‘’Your costume is great,’’ Eric smirked, walking to stand beside me by the counter. We were alone in the kitchen, now observing each other, building up tension. He wet his lips, discreetly checking me out. ‘’Though, it needs a shotgun.’’

‘’Hah! What, you got one?’’ Eric tore his eyes away from me, looking out the window.

‘’Ah, shit - I have a fake one in my car but I forgot we came here in Dylan’s car,’’ He leaned his hip against the counter, folding his arms. As he looked down at the floor, I seized the moment to check him out more closely. 

‘’So, what are you supposed to be?’’ His gaze darted back up, meeting mine. To emphasize his character, he pulled the hood back up and grabbed the glasses hanging from his collar, putting them on. Then he leaned in close to whisper. ‘’Theodore Kaczynski. The Unabomber.’’

I narrowed my eyes, smiling. Not fully knowing how to react, I let go of a laugh. ‘’You’re a special one, Harris,’’ Pulling the hood down again, he gave me a toothful smile. ‘’Gee, thanks! I’ll take that one as a compliment.’’ I reached for his glasses, only to be swept off my feet as he pulled me into his arms, gently pushing his lips against mine one time. I melted in his embrace, hugging him closer. Ear against his chest, I listened in to his heartbeats, closing my eyes.

‘’Ohhh, what’s going on in here,’’ Julie’s voice snapped my eyes open and we stepped away from each other, blushing. Evan and Dylan entered the kitchen as well, laughing at something. ‘’Damn did somebody die or what,’’ Evan teased to indicate the silence, slight intoxication showing in his eyes. ‘’Yeah, your sense of humor.’’ Julie quickly added, tossing popcorn at him. He ducked. ‘’Heyyy, you’re making a mess. Helena, tell her.’’ He pointed to Julie like a child ratting out his sibling. Eric and I snorted.

‘’We were thinking of leaving, like now,’’ Julie stuffed her mouth with popcorn, turning to me and Eric. ‘’Dylan said it’d be nice to be there a little earlier than everyone else,’’ I shot a glance at the clock. Six-thirty.

‘’Sounds good,’’ Eric approved, nodding. We all ended up agreeing, and headed to put our jackets on.

Julie chuckled like she was reminded of something. ‘’Listen to this - Dylan is dressed as licorice vodka,’’ Pushing my foot into my boot, I glanced up at them both, trying to understand. Julie rolled her eyes at me. ‘’Dylan, show her your shirt,’’ Dylan stood up after tying his shoe and turned around, stretching his t-shirt so I could make out the word ‘Vodka’ in red letters. My eyes had been too busy looking at something else for me to notice before.

‘’Hah! All dressed in black, nickname Vodka. Licorice vodka. I get it.’’ Julie laughed at me for being slow and I flipped her off. Evan and Eric were in deep discussion about guns, heading out the door first. I couldn’t help but study Eric, again and again. The way he gestured his hands when he spoke, the way he chuckled, even the way he walked. Julie and Dylan seemed to have a keen connection as Dylan made her laugh which was not too common. I had a warm fuzzy feeling growing inside me, either from the alcohol or the group of friends before me. Probably both. We’d made sure to gulp down all the punch before leaving so there was no sign of any alcohol, though, my Dad is no fool but he has deep trust in me.

Zach, the guy throwing the party, lived a few blocks away. The cold didn’t bother me and I thanked the leather for it. I felt ridiculous wearing the sunglasses during nighttime, but Eric encouraged me several times, convincing me of how badass I looked. To be fair, he had his on too, making me feel more self-assured. As we walked, I observed everyone, enjoying the cheerful group dynamic and then, Eric’s hand confidently grabbed mine, webbing us together. With a light squeeze, he looked over at me, smirking like he purposely wanted my knees to fail me.

‘’Yeah, he did the same thing last year,’’

‘’That’s so cool though,’’

Julie and Dylan’s voices caught my attention.

‘’I hope he didn’t invite that dumbass again, from last year,’’ Eric sneered, and Dylan gave him a look, casually grinning.

I pulled his sleeve lightly. ‘’What happened?’’ Eric shifted his gaze forward.

‘’Uh, just this dude thinking he was the shit. He thought stealing candy from me and Dylan would be a fun time. I proved him wrong,’’ Dylan chuckled, and so did I.

Behind his glasses, I could see him raising his brows, imitating a goofy voice. ‘’Yeah, shouldn’t mess with my candy,’’

‘’Now I know what I’ll be doing all night,’’ Julie teased, making us all laugh.

‘’Uh-huh, I’m watching you, Nancy,’’

**

Approaching the house, you could be sure it had the coolest decoration out of all the other ones on the street. The driveway was prepared with cool lights, carved pumpkins and spider web hanging from a tree right next to it. Creepy music came from inside the open garage, all boarded up with wood plank to resemble something from a zombie apocalypse movie, a homemade sign with a caution; ‘’Dead inside. Keep out.’’. I admired with a huge smile on my face, looking over at Eric to see if he was experiencing all this with me. A blonde guy with a bowl cut came rushing from inside the garage, greeting us with a wave. Along with him came two other guys, whom I wasn’t familiar with either.

‘’What’s up guys, welcome to… Hell!’’ He did an evil laugh, putting his clenched fist to the air, stirring laughter among us. 

Eric snorted. ‘’No need to remind us,’’ 

I assumed he was Zach, our host, as he introduced himself to Julie first thing after handing out handshakes to Eric, Dylan and lastly Evan. He eventually turned his attention to me, smiling and offering a solid handshake. I learned that the other two were friends from out of town; Matt and Dustin, and I caught Dustin resting his eyes on me a little longer than I was prepared for. We stood outside, getting to know each other as more people arrived. Mike joined us, along with a familiar face whose name was Devon. She’d been the one who’d been talking to Dylan during video production. A girl named Robyn introduced herself to me with an indecisive glance, telling me she was good friends with Dylan as well. Eventually, we formed a large group of people, and Zach asked for our attention.

‘’Alright. Here’s how it goes - I’ll form smaller groups that will walk together through the zombie maze,’’ He gestured his hands towards the garage, grimacing a smug smile.

‘’Is your mom in there?’’ Mike yelled out, causing a giggle within the group.

‘’Shut up - okay, I’ll pick out names, head’s up!’’ Julie and I looked over at each other out of habit, almost bursting with anticipation.

I ended up in the same group as her, Dylan and Dustin. Eric was in a group with Evan, Mike, and Robyn. I gulped as I looked over at Eric who tried his best to not look heartbroken by the fact that we wouldn’t be going together. In the corner of my eye, Dustin happily strutted over to stand with us. Glancing back at Eric again, I saw him watch this kid’s every move, checking him head to toe.

A new voice tore my eyes away from him. ‘’Ya won’t be sleeping tonight after this, I can guarantee,’’ Dustin shifted his blue eyes among me, Julie and Dylan, waiting for a good conversation only to be let down. I nodded, smiling and Julie snorted. Dylan had his arms folded over his chest, not looking too impressed. ‘’Yeah? You’re a man of your word I hope,’’ Julie made me laugh, and I searched for Eric again. All I saw was the back of his head, on his way towards the garage with his group. ‘’Like I said, I guarantee it,’’ Dustin had his eyes on me now, smiling, winking one time. Alright, I won’t be making eye contact with him again anytime soon, I thought, staring down at the ground.

‘’Remember, you have to hold your hands on each other’s shoulders so no one gets lost,’’ Zach instructed. We were the next group up to walk inside, and Dylan did a quick rescue by laying his hands on my shoulders before anyone else could. Julie was in front of me. Dustin had a sour look on his face, reaching to put his hand on Dylan’s shoulder.

Julie discreetly leaned back to whisper in my ear. ‘’He’s been checking you out since we came here. Hope your man’s not the jealous kind,’’ I grunted for an answer and in we went.

Julie’s confident steps slowed down abruptly not even three meters in. ‘’Holy fucking shit I can’t see anything,’’ A nervous laugh left her throat and I didn’t feel too tough myself. Dylan teased us the whole time, scaring the shit out of me by faking that he saw something. The whole spooky aura crept up my neck, and out of nowhere, someone jumped in front of us with full zombie makeup, growling and howling. Julie and I screamed at the top of our lungs, and now I understood why the others had been screaming like little kids. Dylan chuckled his ass off, making me laugh too. ‘’Jesus fucking Christ, get me the fuck outta here!’’ Julie whined with a half-hearted giggle. She started walking faster, pulling me with her. Another jump scare, and another one. The whole time, creepy music played, along with sound effects, gunshots and horrifying visuals to enhance it. Finally, it led us through a door, inside the house and the first person greeting us was Eric.

I ran up to him without a second thought, throwing myself in his arms. ‘’Oh my god, save me!’’ He hugged me back tightly, chuckling. ‘’Were you scared?’’

‘’Um, didn’t you hear us scream in there?’’ Julie laughed, trying to compose herself from all the heart attacks. Dylan patted her on her shoulder, teasing her. ‘’We heard you,’’  
Dustin didn’t stay put for long and rushed past us further inside. I saw Eric clench his jaw for a second as we let go, playing it cool, pretending he wasn’t irritated.

Julie cut the silence. ‘’Alright, let’s have a damn toast to this,’’

**

All settled in the living area, I glanced through the crowd, checking everyone’s outfit more thoroughly. Mike was himself, apparently, and Devon was Minnie Mouse. Robyn was Robin from Batman, Zach didn’t wear a costume, and neither did all the others. Apart from the sneaky bastards who’d been hiding inside the garage, looking like anything that had died and been rotting for weeks; zombies. I complemented Zach on how brilliant everything was, receiving a cautious look from Devon. We’d been drinking for a few hours now, but the alcohol didn’t seem to affect me too much. Julie talked more than usual, meaning she was drunk, and Dylan looked all smiley and laid back. Eric, on the other hand, seemed strained and uncomfortable. He didn’t say much, gazing around the room now and then, picking at his hands. I sat close to him on the couch, talking to Matt and Zach to my left. The night progressed, and Julie and I went to the kitchen to get more drinks, to the bathroom to pee and so on. Everyone was moving around the house the way it usually goes down at a party and the music maintained a good mood. Somehow, I ended up alone in the kitchen with Dustin.

‘’Hey,’’ He took a full stop beside me, waiting for his turn to pore some punch in his cup. I darted my eyes his way, pausing my movement. ‘’Oh, hey,’’ My sight was becoming a bit hazy, indicating an average level of tipsy.

‘’So, how do you know Zach?’’ 

I stepped back, taking a sip from my cup, watching as he filled his. ‘’Actually, I don’t. I’m here with Eric, and Dylan, and they know him from school.’’ He nodded.

‘’Columbine?’’

‘’Yep.’’ I thought about making a run for it but didn’t want to seem rude.

‘’Neat. I live in the Springs - well, I already told you that but, yeah. But Columbine seems cool,’’

I forced a smile, awkwardly looking around.

He shifted his stance towards me, folding one arm over his chest. ‘’Are you with someone? That Eric guy - he doesn’t seem too fond of me talking to you,’’

A loud, unintended laugh pushed through my throat. ‘’No, I don’t think he is.’’

‘’Is he your boyfriend?’’

I blinked a few times, progressing thoughts with my drunken mind. I zoned out, listening in to the roaring laughter from inside the living area. The question was blunt but far from unpredictable.

‘’Not really, but I like him a lot. We’re very close,’’ Just as I was to continue explaining, I overheard a familiar huff coming from the archway, and I saw Eric turning on his heel, stomping away. Fuck. Almost spilling the cup from smashing it down on to counter too hard, I ran after him, watching him storm out the front door and slam the door shut. Opening it again, I frantically searched for Eric and found him speeding down the street. ‘’Eric!’’

The leather pants restrained me from running any faster but I managed to reach him within seconds. ‘’Can you please hold on a minute!’’ I wailed, grabbing his arm. He wasn’t wearing the sunglasses anymore and the look he shot me as he turned around almost had me crawling back with fear. His eyes were black, boring into mine, burning with rage. ‘’Having a good time?’’ The veins pulsated in his neck.

My voice cracked. ‘’It wasn’t like that…’’

‘’Spare me.’’ He turned back around, and I followed like a lost puppy.

‘’Eric, listen to me!’’ I was growing frustrated, my heart throbbed against my ribs and my throat was burning. ‘’Can you stop walking, please. It wasn’t fucking like that,’’ He stopped dead without turning around, putting his hands to his hips. I stared into the back of his neck, trying to focus. Then I launched forward, hugging him from behind. He went stiff, not moving an inch.

‘’Listen to me, I’m begging you,’’ Inhaling his scent from his hoodie, the tears weren’t far away. Still, with his hands to his hips, he didn’t react.

‘’What I said back in the car that one time, in Swedish, was-’’ My voice cracked again. ‘’That I like you. I like really, really like you, Eric!’’ With my ear pressed to his back, I heard his breathing slowing down. He sighed, hard.

I let go of my tight grip, letting him turn to face me. His eyes didn’t meet mine like I wanted them to. Instead, he stared down at the ground, pushing his chin out in pure anger, fighting the urge to not continue walking. Was it shame I saw or was it the look of not wanting to talk to me ever again? Anxiety struck me hard, almost knocking the breath out of me.

‘’Helena, Eric!’’ Julie’s voice fueled the anxiety even further, and I swallowed back tears, over and over. ‘’What the fuck are you guys doing?’’ I looked over my shoulder, catching both Julie and Dylan on their way to us. ‘’Reb - you good?’’ Eric blinked as if the name had sparked something inside him, and he lifted his gaze towards Dylan. ‘’Yeah,’’ His voice was sore and raspy, and my heart sank in my chest as he didn’t even acknowledge me.

‘’Just hold on,’’

Dylan yelled back. ‘’You sure?’’ With a nod, Eric persuaded them both to turn around and walk back to the rest of the curious faces staring at us.

I swallowed, studying his every move as he reached to scratch his temple, wetting his lips. ‘’I can’t go back there.’’

‘’Fine, we can walk back to my house,’’

‘’I’m going home,’’

‘’That’s a million blocks and it’s cold!’’

‘’That’s the point.’’

I frowned. ‘’But-’’

‘’I’m walking. And I don’t want you to follow me. Trust me on this.’’ Still, he didn’t look at me. Not one time.

Desperation got a hold of me. ‘’We were just talking, and I was telling him-’’

He cut me off short. ‘’It’s alright. I understand.’’

‘’Clearly, you don-’’ He finally locked his eyes with mine, showing indifference; a defeated acceptance.

‘’I’ll call you tomorrow, alright?’’ Then he pulled me into him, arms firmly reaching around me in a hug, hand on the back of my head. I squeezed him back with all I had until his arms went limp and he pushed himself away. 

As I watched him turn into a smaller and smaller figure down the street until eventually disappearing out of sight, I felt the cold seep through my clothes. I’d been standing there for way too long, rooted to the ground. He’d given me no response to my confession, and it made my whole body ache. 

And as badly as I didn’t want to, I had to let him walk away.


	10. Blue Lockers

_Flashback._

Lowering the menu an inch, I studied Eric as he observed his own, placed on the table in front of him. His head was bent over, thoroughly searching through the options for something he might want. His hair was styled as usual, spiked and newly cut. The black BDUs were replaced for jeans, and he had on a new blue plaid shirt I’d never seen him wearing before, over a gray t-shirt. I’d already decided what to order, meaning I had more time to watch him without him noticing.

It was a calm Saturday night and the restaurant wasn’t too crowded. A couple here and there, a family and a group of friends. Nicely decorated, modern and classy, with a cozy hint to it and without a doubt a more expensive type of place. I’d almost accidentally winced as I looked through the prices, biting my tongue, acting unbothered. I adjusted my black blouse, making sure it was spotless, putting down the menu to the table.

He shot me a curious look. ‘’Ready to order?’’ His contagious smirk had me blushing, and I smiled back. ‘’Yep, I think so. You?’’

His eyes lingered in mine for a couple of seconds longer before looking down at the menu again. ‘’Uh, yeah. I always go for steak, so this one right here sounds good.’’ He pointed his finger next to where it said ‘Ribeye Steak, 4 oz.’.

‘’Good choice. I’m going for the fish,’’ I narrowed my eyes at his reaction; eyebrows raised, slightly disgusted.

‘’Really?’’

‘’I love salmon,’’ I shrugged, sucking my teeth, grinning.

A smirk grew back on his lips. ‘’Well, alright.’’

A pretty, blonde waitress took our order and came back with our drinks soon after. As I sipped on my Pepsi, our eyes met, making me blush again. He blushed too, chuckling, looking down at his hands and attempting a calm demeanor. Then he leaned onto the table, getting closer to whisper.

‘’You look amazing,’’ Folding his hands together and wetting his lips, he locked eyes with me.

Feeling out of breath, I smiled from ear to ear, feeling a hot burn spread in my face. I was flushed red, and I didn’t even care if he saw it this time. ‘’Thanks,’’

Considering this seemed to be the first time for the both of us on a date like this, the silence didn’t bother me. I could tell he was struggling, trying the best he could to look sure of what he was doing.

‘’How do you know about this place?’’ I leaned in, resting my arms on the table. He stopped rolling his thumbs, gazing up at me.

‘’My parents always come here for their anniversary. It’s my mom’s favorite.’’ I could feel my expression melt into a smile, enjoying every word he spoke.

‘’That’s sweet. It’s super nice here,’’ I admitted, casually looking around as I leaned in even further. ‘’But it’s… expensive,’’ He cracked up, tilting his head.

‘’Trust me, it’s worth every penny. Especially with good company.’’ I shyly caught the aimed hint, biting my lip. There were so many things I wanted to say to him, but they seemed to be outweighed by my thoughts; worrying about how I looked, what I did, what to say, and so on. He looked so handsome, and why couldn’t I just say it out loud?

The waitress came back with our plates, placing them in front of us with soft movements and wishing us a nice meal. An incredible smell hit me, spices and flavors merging, making my mouth water.

‘’I have to admit, that looks good. Smells good too.’’ Grabbing his fork and knife, he stuck his head at my plate. ‘’Even though it’s fish,’’

‘’You can have a bite if you want,’’

His smirk vanished as he gave my piece of salmon a long hard look. ‘’Nah, I’m alright.’’ Then we both laughed.

We chugged down bite after bite, truly enjoying our dinner, sometimes glancing at each other through our lashes. There was a heavy tension between us, awakening every single last butterfly in my gut that wasn't sparked to life already. I sipped my Pepsi, he sipped his Coke, searching for my gaze every time. His lopsided smirk almost crushed me.

"Holy crap I'm full," He sighed, leaning back to put his hand to his stomach. I did the same thing, welcoming the food coma that was about to hit any minute now.

"Thank you, Eric. For taking me here."

"I wanted to give you something special. A special experience, that is. Something you’ll remember," Coming back to lean in, he seemed deep in thought, eventually shifting his eyes to me.

"Do you want dessert?" Expecting him to say something completely different, I exhaled a laugh, nodding enthusiastically. After coming back for our empty plates, the waitress handed us the menu again. I ordered a creme brulee and Eric went for the mud cake brownie.

"I have to meet your brother, I want to see if you look alike. I mean, it's hard to tell just by baby pictures" I ranted with a lowered voice, putting down the spoon after taking the last bite of my creme brulee. Eric grunted, shaking his head.

"Ah geez, I forgot you've seen those. Mom is crazy about hanging pictures. She even put up my senior pictures. Not embarrassing whatsoever, oh god no,"

"Oh, you have to let me see those! I totally forgot you're a senior."

Eric snorted, scratching his neck. "I guess I could show 'em to you. I was thinking we could go to my house Monday or Tuesday. Study purpose only," He twitched his brows, looking smug. I blushed, trying to hide my flustered cheeks with my hair. "Mhm, study purpose only," Not to my surprise, my mind wandered back to the memory of our makeout sessions in my room, seizing every moment when my Dad left the house.

Eric proudly paid the bill for us, refusing to split it. After putting on our jackets and walking outside into the crisp September air, he held my hand all the way back to the car. Before getting inside, he pulled me into him, placing a soft kiss on my lips. His breath was scorching against my cold cheeks, his scent lingering, making my whole body tingle. I kissed him back with all that I felt at the moment, hands reaching for his face. My fingers traced to the back of his head, stroking through his hair. With a shiver, he parted from my lips, gulping.

"I won't be able to contain myself if you keep doing that,"

I grinned, letting my hands down to his chest instead, feeling his heartbeat. "Sorry... I guess."

"Pssh, sure, and you want me to believe that? Meh." He smirked, kissing my forehead two times.

//

‘’Helena? Helena?!’’ A nudge to the arm brought me back. 

There I was, in social studies class with my teacher staring at me along with twelve other faces. Embarrassed, I straightened my back, apologizing for any disturbance. I'd dozed off, hypnotized by the constant thoughts that mostly included Eric.

"You have to pay attention, Helena. It's an important part of this class…"

I nodded in response, folding my arms over my chest. As she shifted the attention away from me and back to the board, I let the grumpiness show in my face. Today was by far the worst one yet. Monday, November 2nd. Eric never called like he said he would on Sunday. I'd called him twice, only to be rejected by his voicemail. I hadn't seen his car in the lot this morning and no sign of him in school. No trace of Dylan either. I felt weighed down as if I was wearing the heaviest backpack ever, filled with rocks and concrete. There was no way in hell I could concentrate in class, or even hear what the teacher was saying.

Dismissed at last, I dragged myself up from my seat, watching as my classmates scattered, disappearing out the door. Adjusting the strap over my shoulder, I walked through the hallway, staring down at my feet as I took one step after another. This is bullshit, I thought, raising my gaze to stare down the endless corridor. I felt trapped in a square, surrounded by those irritating blue lockers. I wanted to punch something or scream at someone. If Eric didn’t answer my calls today, I would drive there and knock on his door, for sure. Pff, no, I’d never do that.

The drive back home was dull, road icy and slippery, making me even more frustrated, to the point where I wanted to pull over and weep. I just wanted to get home as fast as possible and scream into my pillow, lock my door and draw the blinds. How could fighting with one single person make you feel this way? How was it possible to be this infatuated and reliant on another human being? I smacked my wheel, hard, clenching my jaw. Eric’s influence on my feelings terrified me. This was such shit.

As I took the last right turn to my street, my mind was too occupied to register the car parked by the curb, right where my house would be. I carelessly swept my gaze around the neighborhood and then… I shot my eyes back to the car. Grey Honda. Rammstein sticker. I felt like I’d been stunned with electricity. Rolling into my driveway, I saw him. Sitting on the steps to our front porch, he raised himself to a standing position, eyes hidden behind sunglasses although not a hint of sunlight was present. I inhaled a deep breath, looking any other direction than his as I grabbed my backpack to step outside.

The time it took for me to reach him felt like years, accompanied by my heartbeat drumming in my ears. Finding the courage to glance up at him, I was surprised to see a smirk on his lips.

‘’Hey,’’ His calm voice soothed any feelings of anger left inside me. Taking off his sunglasses, his eyes fell to the ground.

‘’Hi.’’ I snapped short, pressing my lips together, shifting my eyes to the lawn.

‘’Is it alright if we go inside?’’ He pointed towards the door, aiming his stance. ‘’Neighbours are nosy,’’ I managed to look at his shoes, his pants, and his right arm, buried in his pocket.

‘’Sure.’’ I didn’t know whether to be mad at him or not give a fuck. My intuition failed me. I brushed past him, unlocking the door the fastest I could before stepping inside. I listened to Eric right behind me, closing the door.

Without a word, I started walking upstairs, expecting him to follow me which he also did. I sighed to myself, swinging my door open, dropping the backpack on the floor. Me on the bed, crawled up by the headboard, hugging my legs. Him on the chair by the computer, hands folded together in his lap, glancing at me.

‘’I want to apologize, for Saturday. I have trouble… holding back my aggression sometimes. It’s not intended. It sort of just happens and I have no control over it,’’ I was looking at him now, studying his every move, searching for sincerity in his eyes. ‘’Though that’s no excuse. So, I’m very sorry. It shouldn’t have ended the way it did.’’ I could see his impatience seep through as he couldn’t stop his leg from shaking, nervously waiting for my answer. I dared to meet his gaze once, chewing on my bottom lip.

I shrugged. ‘’It’s fine, I guess. It just shocked me a little bit,’’ Bowing his neck, he nodded. ‘’And it was shitty of you not to answer my calls either. You never called.’’

Wetting his lips, he pressed them together in a straight line, looking down at his hands. ‘’I’m aware of that, and I apologize.’’ Our eyes finally connected, and it stayed that way for a couple of seconds as we struggled to read each other. A feeling struck me. A feeling he’d never given me before; the feeling of being closed off. Shut down. Do not enter. Stay away.

In the corner of my eye, Eric stood up from the chair and walked over, sitting down right next to me. ‘’Helena,’’ His voice was like a whisper, like the feeling when you finally get to listen to someone’s voice for the first time that you’ve been dying to hear. Clenching my jaw as a way of gaining some confidence back, I glanced at him.

‘’No girl has ever said anything like that to me before. That they like me,’’

I narrowed my eyes, not believing him. ‘’You’re bullshitting,’’ I thought about Julie, and how having her as a friend had toughened me up.

He exhaled a laugh, shaking his head. ‘’I wish I was, but I’m one hundred percent honest with you. I would never lie to you, or hurt you.’’ He radiated devotion, giving off the notion of trust that pulled me in. I could feel my muscles loosen up, shoulders relaxing.

‘’Where were you today?’’

‘’What do you mean?’’

‘’I didn’t see you at school.’’

‘’Oh, uh, I was there. Me and Dyl ditched a few classes and he picked me up this morning if that’s what you’re wondering, where my car was.’’

‘’Right,’’

He stopped himself from smirking, looking another direction. I still wasn’t happy with him, but he’d managed to pull a few strings. He scooted closer, all the way to sit beside me, leaning against the headboard. My mind went blank as I inhaled his scent, tempting me to no end. Nope, have to be mad at him. Just stop breathing or something. We’d had our first fight. I was obligated to be mad at him for at least a few hours more.

‘’Robyn’s having a hang out at her place this weekend. I’d like for you to join us if you want.’’

‘’Robyn?’’

‘’One of Dylan’s friends. You met her at Zach’s.’’

‘’Oh… right.’’

‘’We’re going bowling first, then to her house. You can bring Julie if you want. I’ll just tell her,’’

Letting go of my legs, I reached to hold his right hand in mine, tracing my finger inside his palm, oblivious to his stare.

I heard him swallow several times before letting the words escape his mouth. ‘’I really like you, Helena. I’ve never felt like this with someone before,’’ I snorted, refusing to believe it. ‘’Did you just...’’ Playfully losing his temper, he grabbed my arms, pulling me to straddle his lap. ‘’Tell me you didn’t just snort at me.’’

‘’You deserve it.’’ Giving him a smug smile, I tilted my head.

‘’Hah! Crap, you got me there,’’ In a flash, he twirled us around and rolled on top. Placing himself between my legs, he pushed weight onto me, face inches away from mine. I laughed, brushing hair out of my face. "Now you're stuck," He teased, grinning, stroking his fingers down my cheek.

I pouted, faking a frown. "I'm still mad at you!" Placing a light peck on the tip of my nose, he soothed every single scrunched up wrinkle in my face. I squeezed my eyes shut, sighing.

He chuckled. "What?!"

"I can't do it, I can't stay mad at you! This sucks!" His chuckle rumbled in his chest once more, vibrating onto my own. "That's not a problem though, so it doesn't suck all that much."

Opening one eye to peek at him, I huffed. "Easy for you to say," That hypnotizing smirk never seemed to leave his lips in my presence, clenching my heart in a strong fist. Tension made itself known, and I knew it all too well at this point. My body started reacting to his weight on top of me, reminding me of that slow pulsating ache below. Hearing his breaths hitch, pupils dilating, I placed my hand on the back of his head, pushing him down to my lips for one lingering kiss.

Letting my hand fall on the bed again, parting from his lips, his eyes were still closed. Then they flickered open, a smirk growing back. Leaning down, he placed a tender kiss on my jaw, brushing his lips against my ear. ‘’You’re driving me crazy,’’ His calm whisper, followed by a soft chuckle almost made my eyes roll to the back of my head. Taking a deep breath, he broke the intimacy, sitting up.

I sat up as well, realizing how heavy my head felt. ‘’Hey, where are you going?’’

‘’I have a shift at Blackjacks in-’’ He glanced down at his watch. ‘’Thirty minutes…’’

‘’Oh, okay,’’ Wetting my lips, my gaze drifted down to his Rammstein shirt, to the button on his pants and lastly, to the hands, resting on his thighs. ‘’Yeah, sucks.’’ 

We crawled out of bed, adjusting our clothes. ‘’Can I call you later? I get off at ten.’’ I gave him a short nod, smiling. ‘’Of course. Why even ask,’’

‘’Well, you’re still mad at me, remember?’’

‘’Hah!’’ I playfully nudged him as I walked ahead of him out of my room, hearing his chuckle behind me. Before reaching the stairs, he ran up close, wrapping his arm around me and tickling me with the other. I almost screamed laughing, begging for him to stop. ‘’I’m not mad at you, I’m not mad at you, please,’’ Letting go of me, he launched downstairs, laughing loudly to tease me.

We kissed and hugged goodbye, and before stepping outside he gave Figaro a quick scratch on the head. ‘’Call ya later!’’ He gave me a fast glance over the shoulder, eyes once again covered by sunglasses. I waved back, watching him step inside his car to eventually disappear down the street.

**

‘’So, what’s the holdup?’’

Laying on our stomachs on Julie’s bed, devouring a bag of Doritos and watching Titanic on VHS for the hundredth time, she had to question me about Eric. Surprise.

‘’Um, alright, I’ll admit something,’’

Julie shot up to a sitting position, chewing on a chip, waving her hands from excitement. ‘’Spit it out already!’’ I sighed, rolling my eyes and grinning. ‘’Calm down, it’s actually really embarrassing,’’

The manic euphoria died down, and she tilted her head in pity. ‘’It sucked. He sucked,’’

‘’NO! Jesus...just let me finish.’’ Sitting up close to her, crossing my legs, I sighed again, contemplating whether I was going to say it or not.

‘’Okay...we-’’ I swallowed. ‘’We were really close this one time,’’ Her eyes widened as she reached for another Dorito to intensely chew on. ‘’Aaaaand?’’

‘’Alright, shit. We didn’t have a damn condom.’’ I wheezed, feeling myself sink through the mattress.

She stopped chewing, narrowing her eyes. ‘’Wait, that’s it? Oh come on, happens to everyone at least once. I mean-’’

‘’Yeah, exactly. Like you’ve done it a thousand times or what,’’

‘’Babe, it’s nothing. You’ll just do it another time, whatever,’’

‘’Yeah, and that’s so scary. I’m terrified… as much as I want to, I’m terrified.’’ 

She sighed, putting a hand on mine. ‘’And he’s not?’’ Raising one eyebrow, she bore her eyes into mine and I rolled my eyes, indicating I got the point. ‘’Fine.’’

Plunging back down on her stomach, she crunched on another piece of chip. ‘’Are you sure he’s ‘’the one’’ though?’’ Imitating quotation marks with her fingers, both our smiles grew, except mine turned into a blushing grin. ‘’Yes. I’m sure. Completely.’’

And that was it. Thanks to Julie’s nonchalant attitude towards the one thing I feared the most, it felt less scary. I felt ridiculous even. I was already sure of what I wanted.

I left Julie’s house at nine, dying to get back home and talk to Eric. Dad had installed my own phone line in my room on my request a few weeks back, and I was overjoyed by the freedom I felt talking to Eric in peace without Dad eavesdropping from the living room. Not that he necessarily did, but let’s be honest here; he’s a dad.

I had yet to tell Mom about Eric. We hadn’t talked much lately, but I couldn’t wait for her to get here for Christmas. It was probably the best gift possible and I honestly wanted nothing else.

Eric and I ended up talking for two hours, before I overheard Kathy in the background, telling him to get off the phone and go to bed.

‘’Alright shit, I have to go. Sorry. I wish I could talk to you all night.’’

I giggled. ‘’I get it, and hey, we’ll see each other tomorrow right?’’ I heard a short huff on the other end.

‘’Yeah, you’re right.’’

‘’Good night Eric.’’

‘’Good night Helena, sweet dreams. And with that said, dream of me.’’ I laughed with him, nodding. 

‘’Yeah, I’ll try my best.’’

After lingering for a minute, fooling around about who’d hang up first, we eventually hung up and my room fell oddly silent. Blinking a couple of times, I realized how tired I was and as I laid down, I was fast asleep with the phone still sitting on my bed.

**

I was at peace with the world again. Maybe a little irritated at myself for not being angrier with Eric, but it’d had to do. Evan was in school today, and it only added to my happiness. Calculus class together with him and Julie went as per usual, goofing around, pissing off our teacher. I’d met briefly with Eric and Dylan in the parking lot this morning, but I hadn’t seen him in between classes. Lunch was coming up though, and I was antsy pants number one, waiting impatiently for class to be dismissed.

Before heading to the cafeteria, me, Julie and Evan stopped by our lockers to change books for later. I decided to throw my backpack in there as well. The hallways had students scattered around, and one of them was Brandi, standing by her locker with a friend. I caught a glimpse of her locker door, plastered with pictures of Ben Affleck. I scoffed silently to myself before turning to join Julie and Evan.

‘’Hey guys, my dad found this huge grass snake just chilling on our porch last night. In November… like whaaat,’’ Julie and I gave Evan a grossed out grimace.

‘’Ew really? Isn’t it supposed to be hibernating or whatever?’’ Evan shrugged, scratching his head. ‘’I don’t know dude, but it was pretty neat,’’

We reached the stairs that led down to the cafeteria, moving together as a trio. My light blue bootcut jeans hid most of my Superga sneakers, giving the impression I had the world’s tiniest feet. I adjusted my grey sweater as the panorama of the cafeteria spread out before us. I glanced over the tables, some full, some empty, subconsciously looking for Eric and Dylan. They’d told me they’d be here at lunch hour today, even though they usually drove off to eat somewhere else. I couldn’t blame them; the noise down here was far from suitable to enjoy your food in peace.

Evan walked ahead, leading us to a table that had multiple people seated already. Emily, Austin, and Cristi.

‘’Oh no, not you guys…’’ Austin joked as we took place around the table. ‘’Fuck off,’’ Julie huffed, sticking out her tongue at him. The atmosphere felt natural and familiar at once and we cracked jokes, teasing each other. I wasn’t too hungry, but Julie offered herself to bring me something. I asked for a sandwich and off she went. 

Constantly scanning around, my eyes eventually found Jeremy, seated with a group of muscle dudes, all wearing white caps. His piercing eyes met mine once, and I darted my eyes away quicker than I could blink. Suddenly, a pair of hands covered my eyes, stealing away my sight. Our table went silent.

‘’Guess who,’’ His voice caused me to smile from ear to ear, making me blush. I turned around, only to see exactly whom I wanted to see. Standing beside him was Dylan, backpack thrown over his shoulder.

‘’Hey!’’ His stance was proud, but his eyes told me different. I wasn’t sure what he was looking at but I figured I knew. ‘’How’s your day?’’

‘’It’s okay. What about you? Did you guys eat yet?’’ Evan greeted them both naturally, but the rest remained silent, observing.

Dylan and Eric shook their heads, and this time Dylan spoke first. ‘’We’re heading to McDonalds to grab something,’’

‘’Yeah, fifth period was canceled, our teacher’s sick. Short notice.’’ Eric shrugged, shoving one hand down his pocket, constantly on the lookout. He was never the same person at school. 

‘’Alright. I’ll see you later then?’’

‘’Yep. If you want, you can come over after school. My parents are out for the day.’’ He finally smirked, awakening butterflies inside me. Then, he did something I wasn’t expecting at all. He leaned down and put his hand on my right shoulder, kissing my cheek. ‘’See ya later.’’

‘’Uuuuuuh,’’ Evan teased beside me, nudging my arm with his fist as I watched Eric and Dylan make their way out the back entrance. Stunned, I glanced back at Evan, face most likely red as crimson. Julie came back seconds after, putting down the plate on the table. ‘’Oh my fucking god Helena,’’ She wheezed, sitting down. ‘’You should’ve seen Jeremy’s fucking face.’’ I shot my eyes at her. Fuck. Jeremy. Fuck. ‘’He did that intentionally, no doubt,’’ Julie laughed, thinking it was the funniest thing in the world.

I finished my sandwich, Julie finished her Pepsi and Snicker bar and then we decided to leave. Evan and Julie were discussing our upcoming class, meanwhile, I was lost deep in thought.  
None of us saw it coming. Behind us, Jeremy barged after us, stomping down the hall. He got a good grab of my shoulder, pushing me around to face him. In shock, I took a step back, staring at his face, swelled up with anger. His eyes had never been this piercing grey and they burned a hole in me.

‘’Tell your faggot friend to quit that shit fast or he’ll be fucking sorry,’’

Julie and Evan were right on my heel, stepping in front of me. ‘’You watch your fucking mouth, Jeremy. Do you hear me? Who the fuck are you talking to? Do you even know anymore?’’ Julie’s voice was calm yet scorching with fire. Evan pulled me to the side, urging me to come with him. I couldn’t stop staring at Jeremy, now towering over Julie.

‘’Julie, leave it. Come on, let’s just go,’’ Evan yelled as he led me away down the hall. I wanted to escape from Evan’s grip, run back and punch Jeremy in the throat. But I didn’t. I couldn’t even react. My mind was as blank as my face. Julie turned away to stomp after us, frowning with all her power. ‘’Grab my arm or I’ll run back and kill him,’’

Had Jeremy answered her? Had Julie said anything else? I couldn’t decide.

One last breath was heard from Jeremy before we all walked around the corner. ‘’He’ll fucking regret it,’’


	11. Pure Luck

My eyes were glued to the wheel, scanning every detail of the engraved emblem, dissociating myself from the world. I'd just parked in Eric's driveway, and he'd realize I was there any minute now, wondering why I wasn't stepping out of the car. Jeremy's words still ringing in my ears along with birds chirping outside the window, seeping through to my closed-off mind. Just as I blinked hard two times to push the thoughts away into the deepest corner of my brain, Eric opened the front door and stuck his head out. I met his gaze, forcing a smile, stepping out.

He didn't smile back, letting a frown define his face. "Something wrong?"

"Um, no, why?" I stepped onto the tiny cemented entrance patio, following Eric inside. The temperature was freezing, and big clouds of steam formed as I spoke.

His eyebrows shot up as he tilted his head. "You were still sitting in the car…" 

"Oh, yeah, I just had to… nevermind. I'm just tired." His gaze burned on me as I closed the door, shrugging off my jacket. 

"If you say so," As I hung my jacket on the nearest hook, he embraced me from behind, eventually twirling me around. He hugged me close, smirking. "Hey,"

A long sigh left me, letting all my problems rinse off. "Hi," I didn't let go. Instead, I hugged him tighter and tighter, feeling my eyes sting uncontrollably. "Hey, I mean it, if something's wrong you have to tell me," His chest vibrated as he spoke, voice right by my ear, almost forcing my tears over the edge.

Unwillingly, I pushed away from him, staring down at the floor. I'd managed to swallow the tears away. "I don't wanna sound like a wuss," 

Eric snorted. "You wouldn't even if you tried." He reached to stroke my cheek, encouraging me to look up at him. 

"Can we go to your room?" He nodded in response, taking my hand and leading me downstairs.

**

Eric and I were cuddled up on his bed, leaning against the headboard. "He did this today?! When?" I recognized the tone in his voice, distant and cold, struggling to keep his calm.

I sighed, over and over. "Right as we left the commons."

"Did he hurt you?"

Shaking my head, I focused on my fiddling hands in my lap, letting hair fall in my face. "No, I'm fine I-"

Standing up, Eric went to sit on the chair by his computer, grunting in frustration. He kept scratching his forehead to distract himself, shaking his head.

My heart sank in my chest. "I shouldn't have said anything," 

Leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees, he bowed his head down, peering at the floor. "Fucking asshole. I've had enough of that fuckin’ idiot. None of this is your fault, I shouldn't have kissed you like that when he- FUCK!" I flinched. Not knowing what to do with myself, I nervously started chewing on my bottom lip, processing the last few hours. Scooting over to sit on the bedside, I searched for Eric’s gaze, realizing he was still trying to stare a hole into the floor. The silence was starting to strangle me, making me twist and turn. ‘’The kiss was great,’’ I pressed the words out of my mouth, sounding choked up. Then I laughed. ‘’It couldn’t have been better actually…I hate his fucking guts.’’ I saw Eric slowly lifting his head to peek up at me as he snorted. ‘’Sure about that?’’ I shot my eyes at him, locking them with his. 

‘’ What’s that supposed to mean? I hate his fucking guts. There, I said it again. I can say it a third time if you want.’’

The corner of his mouth twitched, eyes intensely digging for lies in me without a single bat before dropping to the floor again. Standing up, I sat down by his feet like a stubborn child, forcing him to look at me. As I expected, he refused, leaning back in the chair to let his gaze wander around the room. ‘’Stop that,’’ This surely caught his attention.

‘’Stop what?’’ 

‘’Ignoring me.’’

‘’ I’m not ignoring you, I’m just-’’ 

‘’...ignoring me?’’ 

He snorted, a hesitant smirk stretching his lips. ‘’No…’’

Interrupted by a familiar sound, the silence escaped the room. Sparky’s paws tapped on the floor and eventually, his small frame appeared in the doorway, heading for us with a wagging tail. He went straight for Eric, jumping up on his lap. Handing out a million kisses, he made Eric chuckle at last. ‘’Thanks, buddy,’’ Jumping back down, Sparky proceeded to crawl into my lap, begging for strokes. ‘’Hey, you. Here to steal my heart again?’’ I showered him with love, receiving some right back in the form of licks to my hands.

Leaning forward, Eric sighed, forming a smirk. ‘’You guys look cute together,’’

‘’Oh my, did you hear that Sparky? We make a cute couple.’’ Eric’s eyes seemed to sparkle as he watched us, though his smirk was bleak, fading.

‘’I can’t stay mad when you’re around me either,’’

I shot my eyes at him, processing his words. The flustered cheeks were inevitable, and I bit my lip, grinning. ‘’As you said, it doesn’t suck all that much. Right?’’ 

‘’Nowhere near.’’ 

/

I left not too long after. Eric had a shift at Blackjacks again tonight and I needed to catch up on school work. I was overdue with an assignment weighing on my shoulders. Thanks to Eric, my heart was partly healed up again, though the mere thought of Jeremy threatened to rip it open. The best thing would be to ignore it altogether, yet my mind screamed at me to defend and protect Eric every way possible. I’d been postponing a cuss out for months, ever since the incident in the hallway. As if that hadn’t been enough, this only added to the fire ten times more. The fire wasn’t even controllable anymore, it had spread rapidly into a wildfire at this point. I hated Jeremy’s fucking guts.

**

November 7. 

Saturday came fast. Julie and I were in on the bowling plans for tonight, and then hang out at Robyns’. I was nervous about meeting her again since she hadn’t been too thrilled at the Halloween party. On the other hand, Eric would be there. And Dylan, and Julie.

Eric would be picking us up at seven, and I was amped up the whole morning. Julie barely recognized my bold demeanor as I danced around my room to the beat of Sleeping Bag by ZZ Top.

She looked up at me from behind the magazine. ‘’Girl, what did you eat?’’ A new song started playing; The Passenger by Iggy Pop. I swirled around, laughing. ‘’I am a passenger, and I ride and I ride,’’

‘’ Yeah I know you will be in Eric’s car tonight,’’ Flinging my sleepshirt at her, causing the magazine to rip out of her hands, I continued singing. ‘’Ummm, thanks!’’ We flipped each other off before I jumped onto the bed, landing on my back. 

‘’Do you ever feel like you’re invincible?’’

Julie saw her chance to throw the shirt back at my face. ‘’Ew, stop,’’

I turned around to my stomach. ‘’No, I’m serious.’’

‘’No, you’re not. You’re crazy,’’ 

‘’Yeah, good point. I’m hanging out with you, so…’’ 

Abruptly closing the mag, she shot her glance at me. ‘’Take that back,’’ The grin on her face told me she’d launch at me any second.

‘’ Hah!’’ I fled up from the bed, making a run for it. I ran into my closet, closing the door, Julie right on my heel. Her muffled voice was right outside. ‘’Yeah, I can wait all night for you to get outta there if you want,’’ We both laughed and I opened the door again, bracing myself for her tickles.

There was a short knock on the door and I quickly grabbed the shirt I’d planned to wear to cover up. ‘’Girls, just letting you know I’m leaving for errands. I’ll be back around five,’’ Dad mumbled through the door, and we both found it unexplainably funny. 

I choked back a laugh. ‘’Okay, Dad. See you later,’’ 

We went back to our original spots, Julie back on the bed with her magazine and me still bumping to the beat as I got dressed. Standing in front of the mirror, I pouted. My hair was getting darker due to a lack of sunlight and the skin paler. Just the natural course, but I hated it. I put on some mascara, brushed my hair and pushed it back with a black velvet hairband. My best pair of Levi’s was a good match to a navy blue long sleeve shirt. For jewelry, I put on the butterfly stud earrings mom had given me for my fifteenth birthday.

/

Dad was already back home when Eric pulled up outside.

‘’Ladies, he’s here!’’ Just the thought of him being outside made my heart jump. Funny thing how feelings work; the slightest thought of the person and you’re ready to burst.

We grabbed a few things from my room, all ready to go, before moving downstairs to put on jackets and shoes. The temperature was getting colder by the day, and sneakers were now exchanged for boots. After saying goodbye to dad, we walked side by side towards the car, giggling and whispering. Julie teased me, saying tonight was the night and I wheezed back for her to shut up before I opened the passenger door.

‘’Good evening!’’ Julie snickered, greeting Eric, stepping inside to the backseat before I pushed the front seat in place. I sat down, closed the door and turned to face Eric. One hand on the wheel, the other resting on his thigh, lopsided smirk on his lips. He had the black hat on backwards, Rammstein t-shirt and black BDU’s.

‘’Good evening Nancy - and hey gorgeous,’’ His observing eyes never left me and the smirk grew wider. Before I could answer, he laid one on me and I could almost hear Julie’s grin.

She sighed. ‘’Alright alright, we know you guys are cute as shit, now go,’’ Eric snorted and I laughed, then we started moving down the street. Eric turned up the volume, enough for us to still hold a conversation. Julie asked about a hundred questions to be annoying, then moving on to talk about tonight. 

‘’Zach will be there, and Mike, Devon, Veik, and of course, Dylan and Robyn,’’ I studied his profile as he spoke, chewing on my lip. He was concentrating on the road, stealing looks from me now and then, smirk always there to kill me completely.

Arriving at our destination, Eric parked close enough for us to find Dylan and Robyn along with other familiar faces, standing by the entrance. 

‘’Ay, here comes tonight’s losers,’’ Mike roasted as we approached, everyone greeting each other with smiles.

‘’But hey, if we’re losers...what does that make you?’’ Julie’s witty comeback struck him just right, causing the whole group to fall into laughter. Eric stood close by my side, warming me with his body heat. The suspense was electrifying, and I knew he could feel it too as we glanced at each other on cue every time. 

Dylan and Zach finished the last drag on their cigarettes, and we all went inside. Dylan and Robyn paid for our lanes though we’d agreed on splitting later. Eric, Julie, Mike and I were team one, and team two consisted of Devon, Zach, Erik, Dylan, and Robyn. Mike had a short whining session about them being one more and how it wasn’t fair until it was time to start.

None of us were too serious and chugged the bowling balls ridiculously fast or way too slow. Julie and I managed to impress by getting a bunch of strikes, and our team was in the lead. 

‘’See Mike, we don’t need another person when you got me and Helena on your team,’’ Julie hugged me with one arm, striking a bicep pose with the other one. 

‘’Are you calling me and Eric losers?’’ We laughed, Julie wiggling her brows. ‘’Maybe I am, whatchu gon do about it?’’ Mike stood up from the chair for his turn, chest puffed up. 

‘’Watch this, girlie!’’ Before grabbing a ball, he blew air on his fingertips, rubbing his hands together. The more serious he got, the funnier it was. Standing beside us shaking his head, Eric took a sip of his Coke, right hand on his hip.

Mike prepared his stance, raising the ball to throw it down the lane. Watching the ball intensely, we bent over cackling as it only managed to strike down one pin. ‘’Fuck!’’ Mike laughed too, admitting his defeat. Zach and Dylan’s laughs rumbled from the other side. ‘’Suckiest throw ever,’’ 

Mike flipped them off, sitting down beside me. He checked his wrist, shrugging. ‘’My wrist fucked it up,’’

Julie huffed, leaning forward in her chair to give Mike a look. ‘’Yeah yeah yeah, sure,’’ 

It was Eric’s turn now and he handed me the pop before walking to grab a ball. Placing himself with his back against the lane, he took a wide stance, swinging it away between his legs. Even though he had no clue as to where he was aiming, the ball ended up getting all the pins except two. He raised his fists in the air, turning to his cheering crowd. ‘’Hah!’’

Mike waved his hand. "Luck. Pure luck,"

As he came back to sit down beside me, taking Julie’s place, I shook my head. ‘’Your technique is outstanding, I must say,’’ He chuckled. 

‘’Thanks! Bowling class is paying off,’’ He put his arm around me, kissing my cheek. Naturally, I leaned in to rest my head on his shoulder, basking in the affection.

A few more throws and we finished the game, ending up winning against the others. This had all four of us in a very good mood, especially Eric. His eyes were practically glowing tonight, glancing at me more than usual. After changing back to our shoes, we walked out to the cars and headed for Robyn’s place. Mike was in the car with us this time and had a goofy beef with Julie the whole way, making me and Eric laugh in the front. I turned up the volume to Der Meister by Rammstein, bopping my head along to the beat, receiving an admiring smirk from Eric. The feel-good factor was out the roof.

**

‘’Hah! Dude, you fucking missed it,’’ Standing beside Dylan, I looked over at our opponents that were Mike and Zach. Dylan and I were crushing them at beer pong, and we’d filled a few cups with straight vodka to make it tougher and much worse to chug down. Thankfully, I was good at aiming, and so was Dylan. 

My turn to throw. The first ball was a miss, then I got a cup right in front of Mike. ‘’Ah man, fuck!’’ He whined, realizing it was one of the vodka cups. I laughed. ‘’Yes!’’ Dylan and I high fived, watching Mike grimace as he threw it back. ‘’Shit’s fucking nasty, man…’’

A couple of more cups and I started feeling tipsy. Dylan’s aim was getting worse, revealing he was definitely under the influence as well. After winning, I joined Eric and the rest of the group in the family room right beside. Eric had a drink in his hand but didn’t seem too interested in it as he placed it on the table. Julie was cracking jokes, adding more people to the list that adored her.

‘’Hey darling,’’ If I wasn’t intoxicated already, his voice speaking those words made me drunk. High off love. I had some trouble focusing, smiling weakly when I fixed my eyes in his.

He chuckled, leaning in to whisper. ‘’Are you drunk?’’ Pressing my lips together to hide a smile, I nodded my head.

He exhaled, smirking, showing teeth. ‘’Me too… don’t tell anyone though,’’ 

I wheezed back, amped up. ‘’Really?! Wow, finally after all these times I get to see you drunk, oh man,’’ He chuckled again, kissing me on the cheek. 

I sighed hard. ‘’Harris, when are you going to push me against a wall and make out with me,’’ Just as the words had left my mouth, I felt my cheeks burn. Liquid courage, why are you doing this to me?

Something in his eyes changed instantly and his eyebrows shot up to his forehead, lips parting as his chin dropped. ‘’Is that what you want?’’ From what I could tell, he couldn’t believe what he was hearing, definitely not coming from me.

‘’Eric Harris, I am one hundred, no wait- one hundred and ten percent sure.’’ His lips formed into a lopsided smirk, lips parted still. No one had noticed our conversation yet as they continued joking and laughing, drowning out any words we spoke. To us, they were all background noise at this point. I’d started a fire inside Eric I didn’t even know of.

‘’Hey guys, we’re playing Twister, you in?’’ Robyn caught our attention, smiling with an eyebrow raised. ‘’Or are you going outside for a smoke?’’ I shot her a glance of gratitude. Clearing his throat, Eric played with it. ‘’Yeah, we were just heading out,’’

We started moving, only to be interrupted again. ‘’Where are you guys going?’’ Julie.

Robyn was right there again to save the day. ‘’I asked them to go get more beers in the garage, let’s start the game!’’ Julie gave me one suspicious look, then she cackled, turning back around to join the others. 

Eric grabbed my hand just as we walked around the corner, out of sight. Instead of the garage, he led us up the stairs without hesitating. I couldn’t stop chuckles from bubbling out of me, amping up my racing heart. Once we reached the top, he walked inside the nearest room, closing the door after us. Then all his focus shifted to me and I gulped. I’d never seen anyone with a more animalistic stare, leading me backward with his hands on my waist. The room was lit only by a small table lamp, arising every single carnal feeling that was in us. Finally, my back hit a wall with a light thump. He had my face in his hands within seconds, eager lips on mine, merging us in a deep kiss. I could taste hints of tequila on his damp lips, only adding to the heat of the moment. He pushed himself onto me, pressing me harder against the wall, separating my legs with his. I could feel him already, causing me to moan into his mouth. A groan left his throat, and he twirled us around, guiding me until we reached the bed. Crawling on top of me, he pressed me down with his weight, instinctively grinding his hips. My hands wandered down his back, untucking the shirt from his pants. I reached underneath, dying to stroke my hands over his chest when suddenly he broke the kiss, recoiling from my touch.

‘’I’m sorry, what did I do? Are my hands cold?’’ I barely recognized my voice, thick with lust. He was breathing heavily, wetting his lips.

‘’No… it’s just- it’s alright,’’ I was deeply confused and his facial expression didn’t help. I could tell something was bothering him. ‘’It’s just so fucking unreal, that’s all,’’ He exhaled an embarrassed laugh, stroking my hair. I pressed his lips to mine again, hand on the back of his neck, feeling him throb against me. Once again I moaned to let him know I was very much aware.

He parted us. ‘’I thought I’d be so ready for it, turns out I’m… nervous as shit,’’ Another soft chuckle, giving away the embarrassment once again. I smiled the warmest I could manage. 

‘’It’s okay, we’re in this together, remember? I’m terrified, really, I am!’’ We locked eyes, completely exposing ourselves to each other. To me, this was a moment of deep connection and it broke my heart to see him look away, distancing himself rather than bonding. I let go of a long breath, trying to keep my head up. 

‘’I guess so.’’ 

We froze in the position for a while, trying to figure each other's thoughts out, as if we eventually would be able to read them. 

I wet my lips. "Do you even know how you make me feel?" 

He glanced back, much less confident than before. He cocked his head to the side one time, letting me know he was thinking about it. "At least I think I know,"

I sat up straight, turning to him to grab his hand. "Feel this," I raised our hands to my chest, placing his right where my heart was. Now we could feel it together; my heart fighting its way back to a normal rate.

Eric watched his hand, eyes shifting over my chest, hints of blushing in his complexion. Then we connected. He gazed at me before placing himself in front of me in a similar position. 

"Now you know, right?" I grinned, twitching my brows. 

Exhaling a laugh, his gaze dropped for a second to remind himself of what was happening. "I sure do." He released himself from my grip, taking my hand in his. Without breaking eye contact, he slammed it hard to his chest, afraid he'd regret the decision if he wasn't fast enough.

A smile broke out on his lips. "Geez, this is cheesy," 

I shook my head intensely, leaning in closer. Grinning back, my other hand reached out as well. "Shush!" His heart pounded against my palms, leaving me with no wonder. Except for his face, struggling to keep a casual demeanor. For the life of me, I could not figure out what bothered him so much. And at that moment, with his heart in my hands, I didn't think twice to ask. 

Our eyes bulged as we heard heavy footsteps up the stairs. Standing up as fast as we could from the bed, I adjusted my shirt, correcting my hairband before the door opened. 

"Ah, shit! Sorry!" Erik’s shy face approached and vanished just as fast, shutting the door. "I was looking for the bathroom, sorry!" 

Eric and I chuckled, walking to open the door again. Erik was nowhere to be seen outside and we both shrugged. "Let's just go downstairs,"

**

"So where's the beer?" 

Eric and I had scattered as we re-entered the room, him joining Dylan at beer pong and me sitting down beside Julie. Julie had her arm around my shoulders now, giving me the look. Robyn sat with us, making a big effort to be a part of our dynamic. 

"The beer is… nonexistent," I laughed, and so did Julie. Then I glanced at Robyn, on her way to take a sip of her drink. "Oh and, it's fine nothing happened," 

She almost choked. "Well, that's disappointing," 

Julie turned her whole body my way. ‘’Come again?’’ She wheezed, making a face. 

Robyn tilted her head. ‘’Oh come on, like you didn’t know,’’ 

‘’Um yeah I did, but-’’ She leaned in close to me, raising a brow. ‘’Nothing happened?’’ 

I folded my arms over my chest, mirroring her grimacing face. ‘’Give me a break,’’ She leaned away, hands raised to imply ‘sorry-for-asking’. I could tell she was drunk, or else she wouldn’t have let it go that fast. 

As time passed, people left and then it was only me, Eric, Dylan, Julie and Robyn. We all struggled to keep our eyes open, trying to stay awake with some music. Dylan was in the best mood yet, snapping his fingers to the beat of Chemical Brothers, bopping his head. Julie was long gone on one of the couches, me and Eric on the other. 

Robyn yawned, rubbing her eyes. "Holy shit. You guys… I'm going to bed. Dylan - you know where the guest rooms are if anyone wants to sleep in a bed. Are you staying down here?" Dylan nodded, confirming he was, and I thought I could make out a disappointed look on Robin's face despite my sleep deprivation. ‘’Alright, I’ll see you guys tomorrow,’’ We told her good night and she left the room. 

I stood up on wobbly legs to put a blanket over Julie meanwhile, Eric asked Dylan to show us a room. It felt strange to sleep in a person’s house I barely knew but I went along with them. Down the hall, around a corner across from each other, were two guest rooms. Dylan said he was going to stay in the family room, in case Julie woke up, freaking out over where she was ‘’or sumthing…’’. I complimented him for his sweetness, hugging him good night. 

As I joined Eric inside the room, I closed the door, watching him turn out the lights. It wasn’t much, one table lamp and one at the desk, and so the room bathed in darkness.

‘’Wow... ‘’ I put my hands out in front of me to guide myself. ‘’How the heck am I supposed to see anythin-’’ I flinched at the touch of his hands on mine. He chuckled. ‘’Sorry if I scared you,’’

‘’Can you even see anything in here?!’’ I grinned, even though he wouldn’t be able to tell. 

‘’Nope.’’ I heard a smile on his lips. We stumbled into each other’s embrace, memorizing every single sensation ten times more in the dark. His scent, the kiss on my forehead, his light stubble rasping against my cheek. My breathing hitched as his touch made me drunker than I already was. 

‘’Alright, let’s get this little munchkin to bed,’’ 

I snickered as he circled me, grabbing my shoulders from behind, guiding me to the bed. I didn’t resist one bit, allowing him to tuck me in under a blanket. He laid down close beside me, wrapping me in his arms, ear to his chest. Every inch of me ached to touch him, to feel him, to take his clothes off, though I was shamelessly pulled away into deep slumber before I knew it.

**

_‘’Helena…’’_ His drowsy whisper was right by my ear, causing me to smile as I squinted my eyes open. The sun was out, not a cloud in sight. Clear blue sky, beams streaming through the window, adding to the warmth inside the room. Eric’s heat against my back made me blissfully aware of how close he was and I squirmed around to face him, meeting his gaze. Every time felt like the first.

A wide smirk stretched his lips. ‘’Hi,’’ He pulled me into him, placing a gentle kiss on my forehead. ‘’I could wake up like this forever,’’ 

His words made me bite my lip, nuzzling into his neck. Then I froze, pushing back. ‘’What time is it?’’

His amused smirk narrated the panic in my face. ‘’Relax, it’s nine-thirty,’’

I sighed and let a smug smile grow as I wiggled back in his arms, cheek against his chest. His arms were right there to squeeze me lightly towards him. A soft knock on the door brought my head back from the clouds and both our heads shot up.

Eric cleared his throat. ‘’Yeah?’’ 

‘’You guys awake?’’ The voice was Dylan’s, muffled behind the thick wood. ‘’Julie and I are thinking of heading to Safeway for something to eat, you coming?’’

‘’What about Robyn?’’ 

‘’Nah, she didn’t wanna go,’’ 

Eric and I looked at each other, exchanging the same allusive smirk. ‘’Yeah alright, we’ll be right out,’’

It didn’t take us much time to join them in the foyer as we were already clothed. Robyn was there to wave us off as we left, all cramped up together in Eric’s Honda. I had thanked her so much for last night, feeling as if the hopes of a future friendship between us was mutual.

Julie and I were in the backseat, Dylan in the front with Eric driving. I closed my eyes as the sun hit my face through the window, loving every second of it. Julie was concerned about her hair and makeup, pouting over how early it was. Eric teased her for drinking too much and Dylan joined in eventually, telling her she looked fine. Trying not to get caught in the act, I wiggled my brows her way as she faced me. Her face turned into a frown, not understanding what I was on about. Then we did what we usually did, for absolutely no reason; we flipped each other off and that was that.

After a short drive, we arrived outside Safeway. ‘’I’m soooo getting donuts,’’ Julie moaned, impatiently waiting for Eric to get out so she could break free from the backseat. Dylan slid his seat forward for me and I took a step outside to have a deep breath of the cold air. No snow so far, but there was a clear stir in the air. Adjusting my headband, we assembled, walking towards the entrance and inside.

Eric put his arm around my waist to kiss my temple as we moved down the aisles, looking for something substantial to eat.

We found the donuts, and Julie acted as if she’d discovered water in a desert. ‘’Ah, yes. Let’s buy ‘em all!’’ 

‘’Pssh, like you could eat all those,’’ Tearing her eyes away from the donuts, Julie gave Eric a long look. ‘’You wanna bet?’’

He handed me the box, putting his hands on his hips, eyebrows raised. ‘’You eat all those and I owe you 5 bucks,’’

She burst out laughing. ‘’Five bucks?! Who do you think I am, a charity case?’’ 

Eric shrugged, granting her a quirky smile. ‘’Alright, suit yourself,’’

Dylan and I glanced at each other, rolling our eyes. My head was starting to hurt. ‘’Guys, let’s just grab some and go, jesus,’’ 

Taking strict instructions from Julie, I picked out ten of the best looking ones. Marble-frosted and glazed ones for me and Eric, cinnamon-sugared, strawberry, and blueberry for Julie and Dylan. Several of each. 

Eric and Dylan were already on their second one as we reached the car again, me and Julie still munching on our first. ‘’Hey!’’ Julie protested with her mouth full as she caught Dylan grab his third one. ‘’Save some will ya,’’

We sat in the car for a while, talking and simply enjoying each other’s company, soaking in all the important nutrients from the donuts.

‘’You know what we should do next year when you guys graduate? Road trip!’’ With a smug smile stretching her lips, Julie nodded proudly to herself. Eric glanced at Dylan before looking at Julie and then me, smiling. I inhaled steadily to catch my breath, taking in every detail of his face.

‘’Yeah, that’d be cool. But where to though?’’

Dylan sank further down his seat, widening his spread. For the first time, I noticed a ring on his finger. Julie shrugged. ‘’Just wherever, like a couple of states north or west or something. Maybe Las Vegas - god that’d be so cool!’’

I shot my eyes at her and Eric snorted. ‘’What the hell are we gonna do there?’’

‘’Oh come on, give me some enthusiasm people,’’ 

Eric made a goofy face, adding to it with a funny sound effect, making us all laugh. I observed him closely every time he looked another direction; arms folded across his chest, leaning against the door, hat on backwards. I couldn’t believe the number of times he’d manage to make me short of breath just by being. And as corny as it may sound, I had to look away within seconds every time our eyes met, afraid I’d get stuck forever if I didn’t.

Later, Eric drove us back to my house. My dad was well aware of my whereabouts, even though I might have altered the story a tiny bit. Sitting behind Eric this time, he stood ready to shower me with kisses as I stepped out from the backseat, burying me in his arms. _‘’I have no idea who sent you but I'm starting to think you’re an angel,’’_ I shivered under his whisper, cheeks flaming up. I dared to look up at him only after some time, thinking the world had stopped rotating. ‘’Helena, come on it’s cold as shit!’’ Julie was already by the door as I looked over, not wanting to part from Eric.

He was the first to let go, snorting at Julie’s cries. ‘’Laters, babe,’’ His brows twitched, accompanied with a wicked smile intended to tease me.

I rolled my eyes as I circled the rear end of his car, on my way to save Julie from freezing to death. ‘’I’ll call you later - bye Dylan!’’ He waved back behind the glass, glancing at Julie as he did.

Looking back over my shoulder, I watched the familiar scene of his car accelerating down the street play out before me. Julie whined and whimpered over the cold, tiptoeing on her feet as I unlocked and followed her inside. Figaro greeted us warmly with yowling and rubbing against our legs until I fully believed he was trying to knock us over. ‘’Take him, he’ll be your heater,’’ Julie huffed at me, pretending she wasn’t extremely tempted to. She wasn’t too big of a fan of cats, but she couldn’t resist this one offer. 

‘’Okay buddy, please don’t scratch me,’’ Leaning down, she grabbed him in his arms and held him tight against her chest.

I exhaled a laugh. ‘’He couldn’t hurt a fly,’’ 

‘’Yes, he could. I saw him this one time - the fly was killed and eaten,’’ Figaro purred away in her arms, certainly enjoying her body heat than she enjoyed his. She glared down at him, nervous he’d latch out any second; Figaro closed his eyes. ‘’Hah - all for show, just wait till he’s got me all alone with him, I swear,’’ I continued laughing at her as she disappeared into the family room, voice becoming distant.

I entered the kitchen, subtly listening in to Julie’s serious talk with Figaro. Everything looked the same. Coffee left in the coffee machine from dad’s first cup in the morning as per usual, counter light on, even during the daytime. A handwritten note from dad, attached to the fridge with a magnet. The closer I got, the more I frowned. Jeremy. Jeremy’s name was on the note, neatly scribbled in dads writing. Way more than he deserved. 

_~ Jeremy called. He said to call him back and did not sound too friendly. I’m back at three. Please wait for me before calling him. Dad. ~_

I ripped the note down, causing the magnet to shoot away through the kitchen, landing on the floor. Before I knew it, Julie’s hand was lightly gripping my arm. ‘’What’s going on?’’

I stuck the note in her face. ‘’Is he ever going to stop?!’’ 

Taking it from me, she didn’t even have to read to know. ‘’Helena, blow this asshole off today, you hear me? Today.’’ She crumpled the note into a ball before tossing it in the sink. She shrugged, plastering on a smile. ‘’Trash.’’

That was it. I was going to drive to his house. Today. I was going to cuss him out in front of his parents and his sister. My blood was boiling, and I needed to put out the fire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank YOU ALL for the kudos and comments! You guys are worth a million bucks!


	12. The Night We Met

_ Eric. July 25th, 1998. _

He turned up the volume even louder as he steered right onto Deer Creek Canyon Road. Listening in to the lyrics, he clenched his jaw as his eyes swept across the dark panorama outside. Rolling down the window, he stuck his head out, letting the mellow summer night air blast in his face. Moments like this made him weak, fragile. It was a harsh reality check, of what could be for a lifetime but wasn’t going to. It had been well over three months now, and he couldn’t stop thinking about it. Harmless banter and racing thoughts were coming together into a hard brick of concrete and actuality. It was him and Dylan against the braindead pieces of shits at school. Against the world. 

But for tonight, he was going to pretend.

Passing Dylan’s house on Cougar Road, he felt confident as to where he was heading. Dylan had given him clear directions and he knew these roads like the back of his hand. However, Eric wasn’t too sure of the crowd. Parties had never appealed to him, and he had never really appealed to the parties either. Usually, he didn’t know anyone except for one or two people, hovering in a corner somewhere, judging anyone who ‘accidentally’ bumped into him, or spilled their drink, or danced like an idiot thinking they were being quirky. 

He finally arrived outside the house, muttering to himself over the lack of parking space. There were cars parked everywhere, but he decided to get further away from the house, in case some drunk nut was going to drive and maybe scrape his car. Stepping out, the Audi beside him caught his attention. Early eighties Audi Quattro. Black. Well kept, no rust. He’d never seen one in real life before. 

As he moved towards the house, muffled music reaching his ears, he could make out Jeremy’s truck, along with Dylan’s black BMW. The door opened and closed as people went in and out to have a smoke. The small group of people sucking on their cigarettes paid him no attention as he passed, opening the door to step inside. The smell of intoxication and cologne, hot sweat and regret hit him right in the face. Just like a movie, people were scattered across the foyer, kitchen and for as far as he could see, most of them were cramped up and dancing in what seemed like the family room. The rowdy atmosphere made him loosen up a bit, adding to his self-assurance as he maneuvered through the hallway. Sweeping his gaze across unknown faces, Dylan’s height stuck out the most. ‘’Dylan!’’

Approaching, he was about to make an inside joke, when in the last second as the first word was to slip past his lips, he saw Jeremy standing there too. A slight head nod. ‘’Hey, man,’’ He didn’t like Jeremy. He was a lazy co-worker and on top of that, an upright bully. But he was going to pretend. Just for tonight.

Glancing to the side, he saw her. The most eye-catching face in the room. Her eyes were striking, and he couldn’t stop his own from falling to her bare tanned legs. He soaked in every detail. From her soft hair to her yellow dress. He’d seen her so many times before in school, but never this close. Every cell in his body hoped she’d recognize him, but her angelic smile remained casual.

‘’Eric, Helena - Helena, Eric,’’ Hearing her name caused him to smirk. He knew what her name was.

Expanding his arm, he grabbed her hand in his, making his usually so steady heart skip a beat. ‘’Nice to meet you, Helena,’’ Burying his eyes in her green ones, he aimed to make an impression. He had to take this chance, even though he knew it’d be in vain. She would reject him before he’d even tried, but the challenge was irresistible, and he was used to it by now. What did it even matter?

Voices drowned out by the music, he watched her grab the cup from Jeremy’s hand, disappearing out of sight. His eyes spoke volumes as Eric knew they followed her every move and he had to stop himself from curling his lip. He didn’t want him looking at her like that.

‘’So how was work?’’ Jeremy’s eyes were on him now. 

He shrugged, putting his hands to his hips. ‘’Same shit, different day,’’ Scanning through the faces inside the room, he hoped to catch hers again. She’d taken Jeremy’s cup for a refill probably, so she had to be in the kitchen. 

‘’I gotta take a leak, do you know where the bathrooms are?’’ Jeremy pointed in the wrong direction, at least in Eric’s mind and before Eric let him finish explaining, he hurried off.

Not wanting to raise suspicion, he walked the direction he was supposed to, entering the kitchen another way. Her yellow dress was hard to miss. Just as he was to stop beside her and break the ice with a witty comment, she turned, elbowing him in the process. ‘’My bad!’’ Her voice was sweet, timid.

She was so close now, gazing up at him. The smell of her perfume was infatuating. Pointing to the cup in her hand, he smirked. ‘’Is that any good?’’ 

‘’Hey, you!’’ She raised the cup to her lips, swallowing down enough for Eric to react by raising his brows. ‘’Mhm!’’ Nodding her head, she blinked one time with heavy eyelids.

He knew she was drunk right away as she leaned towards him, closing the space between them. ‘’Are you okay?’’ 

‘’Hey, did you know your eyes are really beautiful,’’ For a second, her words made his heart pump faster. His eyebrows shot up even further, a meek smirk on his lips. Did she mean that? No, she couldn’t. She was drunk. ‘’Thanks,’’ 

She stumbled forward and he caught her by the shoulders. ‘’Are you sure you’re alright?’’ He studied her features, noticing her changing expression. 

Concern grew in his stomach as she hummed, scrunching her face. ‘’You know what, no… not really,’’ 

‘’Let’s get you to the bathroom, you don’t look too good. Can I put my arm here?’’ He gripped her around the waist, careful not to touch her in any inappropriate way. No answer. Most of her weight leaned against him and he knew he had to act fast. 

Back out in the hallway, people didn’t seem to pay them any mind at all. ‘’Hey, where’s the bathroom? Do you know?’’ One head shake no. Another one. And another one. What the fuck was with these idiots? Dylan was nowhere to be seen, neither was Jeremy or any of her other friends.

Grunting under his breath, he took a shot and started leading her upstairs, away from the noise. She was far from heavy, and she had her arm around his neck now, struggling to put one foot in front of the other. Then she leaned her head against his shoulder, sounding much less on the verge of puking than just a few seconds ago. ‘’Wow, you smell soooo good. Is that… cologne or what the heck is that,’’

He couldn’t stop himself from laughing, concentrating hard on holding her gently, almost breaking out in a sweat. ‘’That’s just me I guess,’’ He took a deep breath to calm his nerves.

‘’Well, it’s good. A good smell. Oh boy, girls must be all over you, smelling like that, woooo,’’ Reaching the top, his stomach ached from laughing, his muscles all tensed up from his firm grip around her.

‘’Alright alright, almost there,’’ He shot his eyes at every door, hoping the one he was aiming for was the one. 

‘’Nooooo, no, no,’’ 

He stopped dead in his tracks, thinking he’d hurt her. ‘’What happened?! Did I hurt you?’’ 

‘’Noooo, we’re going this way, follow me- this way,’’ Steering around, they now approached a door with the letter ‘’J’’ on it. J as in Jeremy? No, this wasn’t his house. The room was pitch-black and steaming with warmth. Locating the bed, he sat down with her and she plunged on her back immediately, squirming around, curling up into a ball. It didn’t even matter what she did or how drunk she was; she’d shot an arrow right through his heart tonight and she had no idea.

She started mumbling. ‘’Was your name Eric? I like the name Eric, it’s a nice name… better than Helena,’’ Then she cackled like it was the funniest thing ever.

Shaking his head, smirking, he kneeled beside her. ‘’Hey, let’s get you under the covers. Helena is a beautiful name,’’ She twisted and turned, groaning and grunting as he managed to pull the cover from under her body, and on top of her. Standing back up, he went straight for the window, opening it up to let fresh air inside.

Turning around and walking back to the bed, he heard her soft moans over the muffled music, indicating she was well on her way into slumber. Anxiety stirred in him still. What if she was too drunk? What if she had to throw up?

He rushed downstairs. The scene in the kitchen looked similar. Her cup still by the bowl of punch, idiots throwing things at each other, pizza boxes everywhere. All he knew was he needed to find a clean glass and a bucket. Sneaking through the cabinets, he found what he was looking for fast and ran back upstairs.

He made sure everything was right. Glass of water on the bed table. Bucket right by the bed. Bending down, he adjusted the blanket over her, tucking it into place. He didn’t want to leave her here by herself. But he knew he’d have to, and he would never see her again. Not like this at least. She wouldn’t remember any of it. She would never talk to him again. He would never hold her again. Clenching his jaw, he’d manage to upset himself but it was the truth. He needed to understand. 

Before walking out, he rested his hand on the doorknob, turning to look at her again one last time.

‘’Bye, Helena,’’ He knew she wouldn’t hear him, but he had to leave his heart there with her anyway.

**

_ Helena. Present time. November 8, 1998. _

The adrenaline had kicked in, and if I didn’t act now, I know I’d regret it later. I grabbed the keys to my car, clenching them hard in my fist, sharp metal digging into my palm. I had never been this out of control of my anger, never this infuriated.

‘’Do you want me to go with you?’’ I turned to face Julie, kneeling to tie my boots. 

‘’No, I’ll be fine,’’ I spat through my teeth, finishing the lacing in a hard knot. My head spun as I stood back up, knocking me out of focus for a second. I sighed hard, giving Julie one last look.

‘’...you sure?’’ Nodding my head, I asked her to not tell dad anything if he happened to be home earlier than expected. She crossed her heart and I stomped out of the door.

I thanked myself for parking my car in the driveway the other day, stepping inside, slamming the key into the ignition. I revved the engine hard, backing up and tried to stop my hands from trembling by grabbing onto the wheel tighter with both hands. I could feel the vein pulsating in my temple, disorientating any sense of direction. I had to tell myself out loud to turn left, then right, then onto Chatfield Avenue, left again on Yukon Way. My breathing was heavy, heart fluttering in my chest and drops of sweat forming, rolling down my spine. I was already exhausted and I wasn’t even done yet. What the hell had gotten into me anyway?

I stomped the brakes by the curb outside Jeremy’s house. It was similar to mine; a classic single-family residence, partly bricked, attached to the garage. The garage. It caught my eye twice. The white metal door was badly sabotaged, spray-painted with black letters, forming words and patterns I couldn't make out in my hurry towards the door, though it did throw me off guard.

Knocking on the door with my knuckle way too rough, I cursed to myself, shaking my hand from the sharp pain. I tapped my foot, folding my arms over my chest as I impatiently scanned the neighborhood. Was I ready for this? What if it was him answering the door? What if…

The door swung open, and there was the face of his sister, the same bright blue eyes and golden brown hair. 

She formed a cute smile. "Hey, Helena! Wow, I haven't seen you in forever," Pasting on a grin, I hummed for an answer. "Yeah- is Jeremy here?" I took a confident step back to make sure I hadn't missed his truck in the driveway. Adding to my disappointment, I realized his parents weren’t home either.

Her smile faded, looking discouraged by my bold attitude. "Uh- no, he left like twenty minutes ago. He didn't say where he was going. Oh- maybe practice," 

"And where is that?" I locked eyes with hers, making sure she understood how serious I was. 

She swallowed, looking like a scared kitten. Giving me directions to the nearest football stadium, she made sure not to stumble on any words, afraid I'd most likely bite her head off if she did. I thanked her, turning on my heel but stopping to face her again. "What happened to your house?" Her eyes followed my pointing finger to glance at the garage.

"We have no idea. It happened like two days ago during the night. So we don't know for sure," She hugged herself, either from the cold or the uneasy thought of someone targeting her home. From what I could see, no other house on the street had suffered the same treatment. She gave me a downhearted smile, knocking me back to my senses, and I suddenly felt like an ass for my approach. "Hey, sorry about this. It's not about you, okay? I didn't mean to be rude." 

Something sparkled her eyes. "It's okay, I know he can be an idiot sometimes,"

Snorting to myself, I turned back again, heading for my car. If only she knew just how much of an idiot. I waved before stepping inside only to realize she'd gone inside already.

Crawling past the garage, I scanned it in detail this time. The patterns were splatter from a paintball gun. And then, two words. "Stay safe". I snorted. Eric crossed my mind but I pushed the thought away just as fast, picking up the speed. Could it have been him? Maybe. Was I going to ask? No. 

I was stunned I was barely reacting to the fact that someone had done this to Jeremy’s house. Then I remembered; he’d towered over me and Julie like a maniac, threatening both me and Eric. To hell with him.

Becoming more and more aware of what was happening around me, mind starting to clear after the rush, I slowed down as I was going well over 70 miles per hour. I didn’t have time to get stopped by a cop; I was on a mission to demolish Jeremy’s ego.

Finally pulled up by the practice stadium, there was no delay in getting out of the car and stomping towards the field. There was a large group of people, huffing and puffing in their football attire, and somehow Jeremy caught my eye right away, in full game mode.

Closing the gap between me, a five-foot-four gal and them, eleven jacked-up dudes, I stuck out my chest like a rooster in an attempt to seem big and bad. The anger was returning fast, nudging the contentious itch back to life.

There. He’d seen me now. He was separating from the rest, taking his helmet off, grimacing a deep frown in hopes to intimidate me. Hah, jokes on you Jeremy because…

Taking a deep breath, I shoved him with all my power, bewildered by my strength as he was forced to take two steps back.

‘’I’ve fucking had it, do you hear me? You don’t call me, you don’t talk to me, you don’t even fucking breathe my way. Is that clear?’’ My heart was pounding, chest heaving up and down as if I’d been running a marathon and for a second, he was completely taken aback, guilt showing in his eyes. He was as surprised as I was, and so was his team. 

Breaking eye contact, he bowed his head down, clenching his jaw. "Do you feel this is a good time? Here - now?" He glared at me, trying to play it cool, well aware everyone was watching, whispering and tittering like kindergarteners. 

"Do you think I care?"

"No, why the fuck would you? You don't care about anyone or anything. And look at what happened to my fucking house. You think I don't know who did that shit?!" 

I was appalled. 

Taking a step closer, I drilled my eyes into his in an intense staredown. "I don't give a fuck what you think feels right or not, you have no saying in this whatsoever. You know that you've hurt me and I hope you're fucking ashamed." There was no stopping the tears from falling. They've been pushed away for way too long, now trailing down my cheeks, washing Jeremy’s frown away. The silence was deafening. I couldn't stay here for another minute.

I broke away from the humiliation, striding back towards my car. I was oblivious to the oohs and aahs unraveling behind me, the scoffing, the rough pats on backs. They were footballers, who'd feel bad for me? None. The urge to look over my shoulder was excruciating, but I stood my ground, refusing to give anyone the enjoyment.

I slammed the door shut, banging my fists on the wheel. Angry tears kept streaming down my face. Or was it sad tears? I could no longer separate them.

**

_ Julie and Eric. Helena’s house. November 8, 1998. _

She jumped up from the couch as she heard the phone from upstairs. She barged into Helena’s room, frantically searching for the phone to find it placed on the floor by the bed. It could be anyone but she didn’t care. If Roger called she had to be there to pick up. ‘’Julie speaking,’’ 

A short chuckle. Eric. _‘’Uh- hi, that’s weird. Wasn’t expecting you to pick up,’’_

‘’Cut the crap, what’s up?’’ 

_‘’Alright, geez. Is Helena there?’’_ She pursed her lips. To lie or not to lie.

‘’She’s not.’’ Silence followed. 

_‘’Umm alright, can I ask where she is?’’_

‘’Whatever it is that you wanted, you should get over here like right now. I think she’ll be back any minute,’’ She held her breath a second before pressing it out. ‘’She’ll need you here I’m pretty sure,’’ She wasn’t making any sense, she knew that, but she didn’t know what else to say.

_‘’Is something wrong? If there is, you gotta tell me right now,’’_ Stubborn bastard, just like herself. She snorted, shaking her head. Glancing at the clock on the side table, she went over the information in her head. Roger would be back at three. It wasn’t even past one yet.

‘’I’m not telling you anything till you get here, bye!’’ Slamming the receiver back to its place, she sighed, very much pleased with herself.

It didn’t take long for Eric to arrive. Julie hurried to open the door before he’d knock it down with his banging. Hands to his hips, looking far from calm and collected, he brushed past her. 

‘’Where the hell is she?’’ Eric’s eyes searched through the foyer, scanning for Helena’s jacket and shoes, becoming more and more aggravated when realizing they were nowhere to be seen. Julie wasn’t having it.

‘’First of all, calm down, it’s not like she’s dead, holy fuck. Go sit in there.’’ Closing the door, she waved him off to go sit by the TV and cool it down a few notches. Eric clenched his jaw, wetting his lips before doing what she told him. Julie walked inside the kitchen, aiming for the sink to get some water. ‘’Hey, you want anything? Water?’’

Eric came pacing back from the family room, into the kitchen, still with his hands on his hips. He wasn’t going to sit on the goddamn couch and act like nothing. ‘’Yeah, I want you to tell me where she is - why aren’t you telling me?’’

Before filling her glass, she picked up the crumpled up note from the sink, tossing it Eric’s way. ‘’There’s your answer.’’ 

Eric kneeled to pick it up and didn’t even bother standing back up before unfolding it. He had to know right this second. He saw writing, not whose, but he could make out a name. He stuck his chin out in frustration. 

He got up and walked over to smack it down on the counter. ‘’And what does this mean?’’ Julie turned around, joining Eric by the counter, gulping down water. 

‘’You should know what it means. She went to his house to… hopefully, strangle him to death,’’ She huffed, tilting her head. Eric blinked, progressing and making calculations in his mind. He knew something that no one else knew. And they never would. Glancing down at the floor to avoid risking his eyes telling on him, he scratched his temple.

‘’When did she leave?’’ He looked back up, meeting Julie narrowed eyes.

‘’About fifteen minutes ago - Eric, is there something I should know? Because I think I know.’’ Eric’s heart dropped to his feet. He lowered his hand, burying it in his pocket to stop it from trembling.

‘’What’s that?’’ 

Julie placed the glass in front of her, folding her arms over her chest. ‘’Jeremy. I know and I’ve seen it,’’

Eric was starting to lose his temper. ‘’Seen what?!’’ His voice was raised several decibels and he wet his lips again, mentally giving himself a nudge in the back.

Julie frowned, leaning in, placing her hands on the counter. ‘’You and Dylan. Being pushed into lockers. Being called fags. Getting stuff thrown at you - I’ve seen it all. And Jeremy was in on it, way before Helena even knew you. Does she know? Cause she hasn’t mentioned it to me,’’

‘’Is this your way of distracting me? Cause if it is, we can stop talking now and I’ll just go sit on the couch,’’

A smug smile stretched her lips. ‘’She doesn’t know…’’ Eric changed his stance, bowing his head. A few minutes ago he’d been home playing Doom, not wanting anything to do with reality yet here he was, getting smacked in the face with all the past years of living hell at Columbine by the friend of the girl he…

‘’Look, Eric - I fucking like you. And what I’m getting at is that you mean a lot to her. I’ve never seen her like this and she’s been my friend since forever. Do you get that? You’re like… her first love,’’

Suddenly, he felt as if something heavy was pressing against his chest. As if someone was restraining his lungs from expanding. No one knew. He wasn’t being honest with Helena. He wasn’t being honest with anyone except Dylan. He started nodding, nodding to himself, nodding to keep the thoughts away, to continue a motion so he’d seem normal in the context.

‘’I do get that.’’ 

‘’And along with it came a lot of trouble.’’

‘’Huh?’’

Julie unfolded her arms, reaching to grab the glass again as she snapped her eyes to the window. ‘’She’s back,’’ 

Eric caught a short glimpse of her car as it passed by outside, overhearing the roaring engine as she pulled into the driveway. He almost tripped over himself as he darted away to open the front door, ready for anything. Seeing her face crushed him. Red-eyed and torn down, she came towards him, trying to smile only to fail. The familiar burning sensation started to boil inside him, igniting his rage.

She collided into his arms, pressing herself against his chest. Guilt washed over him like never before, but he tightened his arms around her with all his heart, trying to ease his boiling blood. Julie appeared in the corner of his eye, stealing Helena from his embrace to pull her in her own.

‘’Are you okay, sweetie, oh my god. Tell me what happened,’’

‘’Did he do anything to you? In any way? Tell me right now,’’ Helena’s gaze was stuck to the ground, but Julie shot her eyes at him, shaking her head as to say this was not the time. ‘’I need to know!’’ He could feel himself slipping out of self-control, face warm with anger, veins popping in his neck. 

Then Helena shook her head no. He relaxed his clenched jaw and put his hands on his hips, bowing his head only for it to snap back up as she laughed. She laughed, still shaking her head. Eric couldn’t possibly imagine what was so funny, and judging by Julie’s face, she couldn’t either.

‘’I pushed him so hard he fucking stumbled,’’ 

Julie exhaled a loud laugh, chin dropping. ‘’You did not?!’’

‘’I really did…’’

Already aware that he was probably overreacting, his mouth twitched, exchanging glances with Julie. Helena’s laugh was too contagious for him not to pull a smirk, even though it was a strained one. His eyes followed them as they started walking inside. Helena stopped right before she was to enter, turning to face him. ‘’Are you coming?’’

Fixing his stance to a more upright one, he smirked, nodding. ‘’Yeah, just a minute,’’ He never saw her frown. He’d already looked the other way before he could. Taking deep breaths, exhaling steadily, he watched the steam evaporate towards the sky. The cold was starting to hurt his hands. He deserved it. He’d caused this, indirectly. He would need to start distancing himself soon. He knew that.

**

Sitting on a chair beside the bed, leaned over, resting his elbows on his knees, he listened in as Julie and Helena rambled on. He had a hard time focusing; thoughts were too loud inside his head. His eyes followed Helena’s every movement. From her bouncing ponytail to her lips, completely mesmerizing him.

‘’Let’s stop talking about that fuckass already, ugh. I’m so proud of you for what you did though,’’ Julie took a long sip of the glass of water.

Eric snorted. ‘’You should’ve punched him in the face,’’ Helena darted her eyes at him, forming a smile. ‘’But still, you’re badass for doing what you did. Just wish I’d seen it,’’ Their eyes stayed connected, admiring each other. 

‘’Um, hell yeah, that’s what I said too!’’ Julie tried joining in, knowing she wouldn’t be able to break through to them but she pretended she didn’t feel their moment.

They all heard the front door open and close downstairs, but no one moved. Heavy feet on the stairs indicated Roger was on his way to us. _‘’Helena?’’_

Eric leaned back up, tidying himself just as Roger opened the door, shifting his eyes over all of their faces. However, Eric received the longest observation.

Standing up, Eric marched over, reaching his hand out. ‘’Mr. Beckenfort,’’ A stern handshake.

‘’Eric,’’ Roger had his eyes buried deep in his daughters as he continued walked further inside, stopping by the foot of the bed. ‘’Something I should know?’’ 

Helena sighed. ‘’It’s fine, dad. We can talk about it later,’’

‘’Did you call Jeremy?’’ Helena nodded her head and Roger hummed. ‘’Alright, so what’s going on?’’

Eric had to say something. ‘’Helena gave him what he deserved.’’ Roger looked perplexed, raising his brows, scanning back and forth between them all.

‘’And should I be worried?’’

‘’Proud is a better word,’’ Eric smirked now, locking eyes with Helena who seemed to approve of his words with color back in her cheeks and sparkle in her eyes. The sparkle that made him question everything.

Roger scratched his head, looking like he thought maybe he was a little too old for this jargon. ‘’Well, that sounds good, better than worried,’’ His facial features mellowed into a warm smile and Eric felt smug, feeling the atmosphere ease up right away. The room fell silent for a while, everyone waiting for the other to say something. Julie cleared her throat. ‘’Well, I have to go. Promised my parents I’d make dinner for tonight,’’ She jumped to her feet and Roger was suddenly reminded that he still had groceries to put away in the kitchen. 

They passed him as they were leaving the room. ‘’I’ll give you a ride back,’’ Julie turned around, looking audaciously surprised. ‘’Oookay… you sure?’’ 

He nodded back, turning to face Helena, on her way out of bed. ‘’Yeah, I got some stuff for Dylan anyway,’’ Helena moved closer, taking slow steps towards him, accelerating his heart. It was just the two of them now, and he longingly grabbed her hands, pulling her to him. Enjoying the moment with her in his embrace, he inhaled every drop of scent, kissing her hair. He smiled to himself, reflecting over how small she felt in his arms and how much he liked her, how she made everything feel easy. ‘’I’m sorry for all this.’’ His words meant something different to him but he knew she’d think it was just a normal thing to say.

Pulling away, she looked up at him, stars in her eyes, making him weak again. Fragile. ‘’No need to say sorry. This wasn’t you. It was him, and he’s done. Out of the picture for good,’’ Biting her lip, she made him smirk. 

‘’Do you know how beautiful you are?’’ His smirk grew even wider as he watched her cheeks turn red, glancing down at her feet. Tilting her head back up with a finger under her chin, he kissed her.

**

Helena’s scent still lingered in his memory as he and Julie got inside his car to leave. Hopefully, her scent had stuck to his shirt as well.

Julie hadn’t said much as they now hit the main street. Maybe she thought this was weird. Maybe she was onto something else.

‘’So are you gonna tell her or no?’’ Eric’s eyes remained on the road and Julie’s words hung in the air for a while. 

‘’I’m not gonna weigh my shit on her.’’ The road was empty, typical for a Sunday afternoon. Dark, cold. No stars tonight. The snow had yet to fall. He tightened his grip of the wheel, wetting his lips.

‘’I think she has the right to know.’’

He wished she hadn’t said anything. He didn’t want to talk at all, especially not about this. He leaned forward, turning up the volume a bit. Julie’s hand was right there to turn it back down. Eric turned his head towards her, meeting her glaring gaze. ‘’Don’t do that.’’ 

‘’You don’t!’’

‘’Do what?’’ 

‘’Okay listen-’’ She got comfortable in the seat, pushing her hair behind her ears. ‘’I meant what I said earlier. All of it. She’s crazy about you, for real. Shit, I guess you know that-’’ She paused, fixing her eyes on the road. ‘’What I meant with trouble is, Jeremy loves her.’’ 

Hearing his name made him grit his teeth. ‘’Pssh-yeah, he has a funny way of showing it. I could fucking kill that asshole,’’ His hand ached from gripping the wheel too hard.

‘’Yeah, me too,’’ This made him glance at her again, surprised she’d agreed. Well, not too surprising. Julie was solid.

‘’So, he loves her huh? Figures then. I hope I annoy the shit out of him,’’ 

Julie looked satisfied, folding her arms. ‘’Glad we’re on the same page.’’

After dropping her off at her house, he changed direction back to Dylans’. They’d agreed on meeting tonight. They needed to discuss things. The mood had changed between them rapidly since Helena came into the picture. Dylan felt more reserved than usual, and the gun show was only two weeks away.

Images and scenarios flashed inside his head. Non-stop. The thought of Helena hit him hardest. She couldn’t know anything about the gun show. Or could she? A lot of people have guns. He’d have to figure it out. Something scared him, and it scared him shitless; he was hesitating. He had something now. Something he’d wished for, for the longest time. She was everything he’d ever wished for. Helena. Her charm. Her personality. Her looks. Their connection.

Did she want to be with him anyway? Sure, she said she liked him, even her friends did. But what if that changed? Maybe deep down, she had an eye for Jeremy. Or some other guy he wasn’t aware of.

He couldn’t fail Dylan. He couldn’t abandon him now.

He had to distance himself. Soon.


	13. Gun Show

_November 22, 1998._

I didn’t feel like leaving the bed today. I had all the right reasons for it. The weather sucked, the bed was too inviting and Julie was busy at work, Eric too. I went to the movies with Evan yesterday. Well needed and a lot of fun. Eric and I were seeing each other after his shift and that always made me extra antsy during the day. My racing pulse never seemed to go down, and he was in my head in every way.

After almost falling back asleep, Figaro jumped up on the bed, howling and kneading biscuits.  
‘’Hey peanut, let me guess, your bowl is empty huh?’’ He meowed back at me and prepared to lay down on my stomach but I decided to get up. It was well past lunchtime and I was surprised my dad hadn’t stuck his head inside my room with a big frown yet. When I was down in the kitchen, I figured out why. He wasn’t home. Fresh coffee was just recently brewed in the pot, still hot. No note this time.

Today was Sunday, which meant tomorrow was only three weeks left of this term. I couldn’t believe how fast this term had passed by like it was nothing. Head full of thoughts of Christmas and the new year, I sat down by my computer after having a quick breakfast and saving Figaro from starvation. I scrolled through my friends’ list on AOL to find nobody online. Then I opened the browser. There had to be something to do. As I was going through my usual pages and ending up on Julie’s webpage with quotes and poems, something crossed my mind. What if Eric had one of those pages? I’d never checked before. I typed in his name and chewed on my lip before hitting ‘Enter’. 

There he was, several pages under the username Rebdomine. One link said ‘’Pissed’’. I frowned to myself, already smiling, thinking I knew what it was about. The page took a couple of seconds to load and then there it was; a long text about philosophy, America and society. All written from his point of view. The word ‘kill’ was repeated multiple times and I had to lean closer and closer to the screen the further down I got, feeling the radiation from it tickle my forehead. _‘’I live in Denver, and god damnit I would like to kill almost all of its residents. Fucking people with their rich snobby attitude thinkin they are all high and mighty’’_

I leaned away, folding my arms. Then I surprised myself by cracking up. He wasn’t wrong… but I’d never seen this side of him before. Or wait. Yes, I had. That one time when we went to the movies with Dylan and Dustin and he got annoyed over the gun discussion. From zero to a hundred. But that was about it. I tilted my head, going over everything I just read in my head. And again, he wasn’t wrong. I even found it a little funny and with a newfound confidence, I would not hesitate to ask him about this later. 

A couple of hours passed and after watching around three different movies, my phone started screeching and I jumped an inch in the air. Standing up and walking over, I picked up the receiver as I sat down on the floor. ‘’Helena,’’ It remained silent on the other end. ‘’Um, hello…?’’ I held the receiver from my ear, thinking if I stared at it, I’d know who it was.

‘’Alright, whoever this is I’m hanging up in 3...2…’’ 

‘’Wait!’’ My whole body burst into flames. _Motherfucker._ I slammed the receiver back, pushing away the phone with my foot. It screeched again. And again, until I debated whether I wanted to destroy it with a hammer or throw it out the window. I crawled over to it once it turned silent, grunting in anger when I heard the signal again. 

‘’Leave me the fuck alone!’’

I heard a familiar chuckle. ‘’Oh… you sure?’’

‘’Oh my god Eric, I’m sorry, I thought it was someone else,’’

‘’Well, puuh, I got really worried there for a second. Who did you think it was?’’ His tone reeked of suspicion. 

‘’Julie’s been fucking with me all day, I-’’

‘’Helena, you don’t have to hide things from me. I won’t get mad I promise,’’ 

‘’It’s not like that, Eric. It’s just that… it’s not even worth mentioning, alright? Yes, it was Jeremy and I don’t wanna talk about it,’’ 

‘’That’s fine. I just don’t want to see you hurting, that’s all. He shouldn’t be calling you,’’ My heart swelled from his words. I closed my eyes, pushing my hair away from my face. The words stuck in my throat as he spoke again.

‘’I called to see if you still want to hang out? The weather’s gonna clear up later. We could buy some food or snacks and go somewhere... if you want?’’

I smiled, scrunching my nose. ‘’Of course I do. But this time, I’m picking you up!’’ 

He chuckled. ‘’That’s alright with me. But only ‘cause you have the coolest car in all Jefferson county. When are you here?’’ 

‘’Hmm- fifteen minutes? And by the way, just Jefferson county?’’ I raised a brow.

‘’You’re right, the whole Denver area,’’ We laughed together one time before ending the call. I was in a hurry now. I realized I’d given myself way too little time to get ready. Jumping to my feet, I raided my closet to find a pair of black jeans and a black sweatshirt. As I stuck the first leg inside the pants, I was already on my way downstairs. My hair was well in place after combing through it, letting it fall over my shoulders, and makeup was a no go. Boots on, jacket swung over my shoulders, I grabbed the keys and locked up before skipping towards my car like an eager kid. The engine started right away though it sounded a little cranky as I backed up and drove off.

The road felt slippery and the little devil on my right shoulder laughed as I tried stomping the gas, causing the tires to slip. ‘’Yes! Oh, Eric, I’m gonna scare the shit outta you,’’ and with that said, I turned up the volume to _Nowhere to Hide_ by Antiloop and steered towards my destination.

The street leading up to Eric’s house was in an icier condition than mine. Two cars were parked in the driveway this time meaning his parents were home. I parked in the cul-de-sac, stepping out right after. Eric was already out the door and on his way as I faced the house. ‘’Oh, hi!’’

‘’Hey. Why did you get out?’’ He walked straight to me, circling the hood and pulling me into a hug. It didn’t last too long though, and I figured he felt awkward in case his parents were watching. ‘’Oh, I just thought I was gonna say hi to your parents,’’ I looked over at the house. No movement in any of the windows. No signs of peeking.

A soft smirk formed on his lips, looking back at the house as well. ‘’That’s alright, they’re stuck watching a game,’’ I bit my lip, thinking I’d come off as rude but shrugged it off. ‘’Hmm okay, that means…’’ I leaned in again, placing my hands on his cheeks to kiss him. ‘’...I can do this,’’ He took a step closer, grabbing me by the waist to collide our bodies. ‘’And this,’’ The cold air made it easier to breathe except for now.

‘’You’re wearing all black. Is it for Jeremy’s funeral? Cause surely you must have killed him by now’’ I cracked up, looking away. 

Raising a brow, I studied Eric’s face in detail. ‘’That’d be too easy on him… no, I figured we’d match,’’ I said looking down at his clothes. Black BDU’s, black t-shirt, black jacket. We parted and I got back into the driver’s seat, watching Eric circle the hood and step in beside me.

‘’I think we’re a pretty good match, black clothes or not,’’ His smirk grew wider into a toothful smile and I smiled right back as I started the engine. 

‘’Hmm,’’ I narrowed my eyes, tapping my lips with my finger. ‘’Yeah, I agree,’’ 

His smile disappeared. ‘’Really? You had to think? Pssh, gee thanks,’’ I playfully stuck out my tongue at him, making him smirk again. 

I revved the engine, moving us forward. The urge to stomp the gas and drift out of there was tempting but his parents were home and I figured it wouldn’t be too appropriate. I could feel Eric’s gaze on me. ‘’How did you learn to drive stick? I never asked,’’ 

‘’My dad taught me. And that’s funny, cause my mom taught him,’’ 

‘’Your mom? She seems badass too,’’

I laughed, shaking my head. ‘’Not really. She’s like a short version of Princess Diana, super sweet and kind of shy actually. In Sweden, you learn how to drive stick right away. Automatics are not too common,’’

Eric looked comfortable and attentive as I looked over. His left hand was placed on his thigh, the other one resting on the window. ‘’Damn, would be hard for me to drive a car in Sweden,’’

‘’I’ll teach you!’’ He darted his eyes at me, not looking too impressed that I girl would be teaching him how to drive, or so I thought. He started nodding his head. ‘’Yeah, that’d be cool. Dylan drives stick too but he’s a dude so it never really struck me that way,’’

I grunted in protest. ‘’Okay, I guess…’’

He raised his brows, pointing his finger. ‘’Hey, you’re the coolest girl I’ve ever met so don’t take it the wrong way,’’ 

‘’Fine. You just made up for it.’’ Giving him a teasing side glance, he chuckled nervously.

I realized we’d been sitting in silence all this time. I turned up the music again, Antiloop still playing. ‘’How was work by the way?’’ Glancing over at him, I saw his face turn pale and without wondering I laughed. ‘’Oh no, that awful?’’ 

His face suddenly changed. ‘’Uh- no, it was alright. Not too much going on on Sundays,’’ He forced a smirk, tapping his palm against his thigh to the beat. ‘’This is a good song. What’s the band?’’ 

Looking past his reaction, I sought through my mind for the name of my favorite band. ‘’Ummm- uh- Antiloop!’’

‘’Their sound is real cool,’’

Not long after, we stopped at King Soopers to buy snacks and drinks. He bought a Coke, slim jims, and salsa seeds. I bought a Dr. Pepper, Oreos, and beef jerky. We paid and went back to the car.

‘’So, where are we headed?’’

‘’I’ll explain on the way. It’s not far, but it’s away from all the light so you can see the sky better,’’ 

I tilted my head to show my deepest interest, grinning. ‘’The sky huh?’’ 

‘’Yep. I have a slight suspicion you’ll like this place,’’

After starting the car, I drove out of the parking lot and onto the main street, still with the evil thought of scaring the living shit out of Eric lingering in my mind. To my deepest disappointment, the main street wasn’t as icy and I slowed down a bit, looking over at Eric. His gaze was already on me and I blushed.

‘’What?’’

‘’Nothing. You’re pretty, that’s all,’’ I had to catch my breath and look away. 

‘’You know I’m never gonna agree with you right?’’

‘’That’s alright, I don’t mind saying it,’’ Chewing with his mouth full of sausage, he smirked, looking cheeky. I shook my head, shifting my eyes back to the road. ‘’Helena?!’’ Eric blurted out, voice raised and alarmed. 

My heart was in my throat. ‘’What, what?!’’ I darted my eyes at him, frantically scanning our surroundings and checking the rearview mirror.

‘’...you’re pretty,’’ 

I rolled my eyes, sighing. ‘’Jesus Christ, I thought I was about to hit someone or something. Don’t do that!’’ His chuckle rumbled inside the car, and I punched his arm lightly. ‘’Okay so, where the heck are we going then?’’ He instructed me to keep going straight forward.

‘’And no, it’s not the place you think it is… just so you know,’’ 

‘’Really…? This is interesting…’’ I dragged the words, wiggling my brows to tease him. He stuck the slim jim my way and I winced, scrunching my nose. ‘’Keep that at bay…’’

‘’How can you hate slim jims?!’’ 

I laughed. ‘’They’re just… not nice,’’ He checked the sausage up close, pretending to be thinking that through for a moment before shrugging.

‘’Fine, more for me,’’ He took a huge bite of it, looking out the window. 

I turned up the volume loud, losing myself in the good feeling of the beat completely. I didn’t notice Eric glancing at me until we reached the exit to our destination. The name of the road was familiar but it didn’t ring a bell. He told me to turn left to Rampart Range Road and soon, concrete turned to gravel. Pine trees fenced us on each side of the road, only the headlights to guide us and the blasting music putting an unearthly feeling to it. I confided in Eric to let me know when to stop so I stomped the gas, speeding up. The tires protested, spinning and shooting stones like needles into the chassis, leaving a trail of dust after us. Turning my head to Eric, he shot his eyes at me.

He gripped harder onto the grab handle, chuckling. ‘’Eyes on the road!’’ Highly amused by the slight fear in his eyes, I pressed the pedal down even further. ‘’You really are crazy, I hope you’re aware of that,’’

‘’Oh come on, don’t act all innocent now - I know how you drive! Plus, you love this,’’ I pursed my lips to hide a grin. I didn’t want to tease him too much just yet.

He sighed, shaking his head. ‘’Shit… can’t argue with that…’’ We stole a glance from each other and it seemed the color in Eric’s face was coming back. 

‘’You can pull off right there by the rock - do you see it?’’ I confirmed and slowed us down, shifting to a lower gear. ‘’We’ll have to walk just a tiny bit though,’’

‘’Out here?! What if that bear sees you and remembers you and go; hey, there’s that handsome kid who ran away from me, this time he won’t get away,’’ I tried my best big-scary-bear voice and Eric burst into laughter. ‘’I’m serious!’’

‘’Sounds like he’s gonna rape me in the ass,’’

I gasped, laughing too now. ‘’Ah, now you missed the point,’’ I pulled off to the side in the space Eric had pointed out, right by a red rock, towering over us.

‘’Nope…’’

‘’Really? So what was it?’’ Eric’s grin grew wider and wider and I killed the engine. 

‘’Sorry, I'm keeping it a secret,’’ 

I frowned like I was deeply offended. Before I had a chance to object, he clicked off his belt and leaned in close to kiss me. ‘’Let’s go,’’ He whispered, kissing me again, and again, before stepping outside. I was frozen in place, pleasantly bewildered, following Eric with my eyes as he circled the hood to open my door. ‘’I said let’s go,’’ His cheeky smirk was far from hard to catch even though it was dark. 

‘’Do you even have a flashlight?’’ I said as I joined him outside, pulling my jacket closer to me. He closed the door for me and put his arm around my shoulders. ‘’Nope. I thought it’d be cool to walk around and hurt ourselves in the dark, you know like take a tumble down a cliff or something fun like that,’’ 

I turned my face to his, inches away. ‘’You’re a sarcastic ass,’’ He chuckled, warmth from his breath caressing my cold cheek.

Then he placed a light peck on the tip of my nose. ‘’Just checking,’’ He fished around for something in the pocket of his cargos until the forest lit up in front of us from a bright light and we started walking down a trail. I pressed myself to his body, feeling his hand squeeze my shoulder one time. 

‘’Shit, we forgot the snacks,’’ 

‘’We’ll save it for later,’’

**

Naturally, the darkness crept up on me the further we got. The small beam leading us didn’t feel too comforting. Jokes on me. Here I thought I was going to scare Eric but no, I ended up being scared instead. I reached my arms around his waist, hugging him close to me, making the walking a bit uncoordinated. ‘’Are you okay?’’ His voice breaking the silence startled me a little, making him chuckle. ‘’Hey, are you that scared? We can go back if you want. I wanted it to be a nice experience for you but if you-’’

‘’Nah-uh! Let’s move,’’ He’d slowed down a bit and I dragged him with me to pick up speed. ‘’And no, I’m not that scared, pfft,’’ 

He snorted. ‘’Alright, geez,’’

The trail became rockier, and Eric had to help me climb. Poor soul had to manage both the flashlight and the girl, scared enough to be unsteady on her feet. One rock after the other, until the air felt colder and colder the further up we got. ‘’I feel like we’re on our way to space,’’ 

‘’Well… look up,’’ 

I’d been so caught up with not falling flat on my face that I’d completely forgotten about the sky. I had to stop everything I was doing right there and then, and gawk with my mouth open.

‘’Eric, this is… this is not real,’’

‘’I knew you’d like it,’’

I was starstruck. Verbatim.

‘’...I’m in love,’’

The silence that followed went right over my head as I still glared at the sky, head bent back all that my neck allowed me to. ‘’Yeah… me too…’’ Eric’s voice brought me back and I turned to look at him. He wasn’t looking at the stars. He was looking straight at me. I tried analyzing what he’d just said. Had he just looked down at me from the stars or… had he been looking at me this whole time? Did that mean… 

I decided to ignore it just in case, forcing a small smile as I walked up to him. ‘’I’m glad I got out of the car with you… this is by far the prettiest I’ve ever seen the sky.’’ He wet his bottom lip, glancing down on mine. For a moment he looked confused as to what to say. I couldn’t read his expression properly, but he seemed displeased.

He grabbed my hand in his. ‘’We’re almost there, come on,’’

Leading us down another trail, the forest scattered, unfolding a breathtaking view. The thin thread of light from the skyline ahead was enough to knock me off my feet. I got so excited I skipped ahead, acknowledging the sharp ledge that formed it into the perfect dangerous cliff. ‘’You’re killing me with these places,’’ I yelled out, voice echoing amongst the trees. Looking up, the stars were just as bright, if not brighter and the trees around us framed it into the prettiest painting.

Eric came up from behind and pulled me to him, reaching his arms around me and placing his chin on my shoulder. I could hear his breathing right by my ear, and he hugged me tighter and tighter. ‘’Do you like it?’’

Ironically, I didn’t know whether he meant the hug or the view. ‘’I love everything about this. Every single thing,’’ I tilted my head back to look up, resting it on his shoulder. ‘’The more you stare, the more stars you see,’’ I knew he was looking too, at least for a minute before he placed a warm kiss on my neck, right by my jawline. A hot shiver went through my body and I had to squeeze my eyes shut to keep myself from getting light-headed. 

‘’Do you see any constellations?’’

‘’Orion’s belt right there. Ursa Major, Ursa Minor. And that one right there is the polar star,’’ 

‘’The one that always shines the brightest right?’’

‘’Not necessarily, there are several of them,’’ 

I heard Eric form a smile. ‘’You know your stuff,’’

‘’Yes sir, I do,’’ A soft exhale came from Eric’s throat, tickling my cheek.

A light breeze brushed through the treetops, killing off the deafening silence. We stood there for a while before Eric let go and joined me by my side. He lit the flashlight to scope around the area. ‘’No bears yet,’’ His smirk told me he’d be more than happy if there was, and I nudged him. ‘’Sssh, if you keep saying that it’ll ambush us when we least expect it,’’ 

We chuckled together until Eric’s smile faded and died completely. I took a step to stand in front of him. ‘’Eric... ‘’

‘’Yeah?’’

‘’Is something wrong? I feel like there is…’’ He bowed his head down, scratching his temple. ‘’You can tell me anything. I hope you know that’’ He seemed to be struggling, pursing his lips.

‘’I wasn’t honest with you about today.’’

I narrowed my eyes, cocking my head to the side. ‘’I don’t understand…oh, I know, you don’t really think I’m pretty huh…?’’ I put on a small smile to enlighten the pressing feeling that something wasn’t right. Eric smiled too but turned his face to stone just as fast. 

‘’I didn’t work today.’’ 

I blinked two times. ‘’Umm okay, and…?’’ 

‘’Alright fuck - me and Dyl went to this gun show today. I was scared of telling you because I was afraid you’d get mad,’’ 

Gun show. Guns. Dylan. I heard him loud and clear but it didn’t quite connect in my mind.

‘’Say something!’’

‘’I…’’ I didn’t feel mad, I was just deeply confused as to why he felt he needed to lie about it. ‘’You could’ve just told me. Sure, I don’t like guns but it’s not like I’m gonna get angry or anything,’’ I took a small step back, glancing down at my feet, folding my arms. 

‘’Hey,’’ He closed the gap between us but he wasn’t sure he was allowed to touch me. ‘’I know that now and I regret it, I’m sorry,’’

‘’What do you need guns for anyway? Did you buy one?’’ His stare froze at one point in my face before he blinked, smirking.

He shrugged. ‘’Well, I like guns, so I figured why not? Besides, I can protect you from all the bears in the world now,’’ Reaching his hand out, he cautiously stroked his finger on my cheek. 

‘’But… how? You’re not eighteen, and neither is Dylan,’’

Eric opened and closed his mouth, letting his gaze fall to the ground again. Clearly he was ashamed. Or at least something similar to it. ‘’We had this friend help us buy ‘em… it was so easy,’’ I frowned as a reaction to his chuckle. I didn’t find it as funny.

Sure, a lot of people in Colorado possess firearms. Nothing weird about it. But despite that, I still didn’t feel comfortable with the thought. I pulled a strand of hair behind my ear, sighing. ‘’Just… don’t lie to me, okay?’’ 

‘’I’m really sorry,’’ The words stumbled out of his mouth as if he was in a hurry or disgusted by them. His demeanor reeked of impatience and angst. Sighing again, I closed the last few inches, reaching my arms around him, ear to his chest. He hugged me back as if he hadn’t seen me in years and I pulled away again. 

‘’By the way, I saw your webpages…’’ Holding his hands on my waist, he raised his brows alarmingly high, scanning every movement in my expression as he narrowed his gaze. ‘’It was… well… I’m not gonna lie - funny and true,’’ I glanced out over the view as I spoke. 

He didn’t utter a word as his chin dropped. ‘’You’re kidding right...you seriously think so?’’

I shrugged. ‘’I mean yeah, it is true…some people here are really hecking weird,’’ His smirk appeared in slow motion, eyes frantically searching for any trace of sarcasm. 

‘’What? I can’t agree with you?’’ 

‘’Uh- sure, I’m just taken aback here. People usually tell me off for being a freakin’ weirdo for those rants… and you barely flinch,’’ 

‘’I didn’t say that - but if you’re a weirdo at least you can be my weirdo,’’ I locked eyes with him, smiling and biting my lip. 

He started shaking his head, slowly. ‘’You’re not real, this is fake…who paid you? I would be far from surprised if there’s a hidden camera around here somewhere,’’ He pretended to be looking around like a goof for some random person lurking behind a tree or in the bushes.

Placing my hands on his cheeks, staring intensely into his hazel eyes, I smiled even wider. ‘’Nobody paid me, get over it,’’ Then I turned on my heel walking away to go on my own adventure, folding my arms casually, taking in the view that we were here for. I started strolling over the rocky surface even though I couldn’t see much when suddenly Eric was right by my side again, grabbing my arm to pull me to him. He looked ready to burst with words.

‘’Helena, I think I’m in love with you,’’ 

My mouth fell open.

‘’I’m serious… you’re the only thing on my mind every minute of the goddamn day,’’ My smile grew faint as his words penetrated right into my chest. ‘’I even dream about you.’’

There was no other way of responding than to collide my lips against his. An overwhelming feeling washed over me and without realizing it, we both started tasting the salt from my tears. He ripped away from me. ‘’Are you crying?! Jesus, what did I do…?’’ 

I started chuckling behind the trails of tears on my cheeks. ‘’Nothing! - Please just ignore it, I’m just very very very happy,’’ Eric eyebrows shot up to his forehead, a confused smile parting his lips.

‘’Geez, I sure hope so… I’ve learned crying isn’t supposed to be a good sign,’’ 

I shook my head, wiping my face with my sleeve. ‘’Trust me,’’ Eric’s hands were on my cheeks now, stroking them dry with his thumbs. ‘’I trust you.’’

After my embarrassing meltdown, we stayed for another twenty minutes before we decided to head back. It was getting colder and we both had school tomorrow. Eric’s watch had gone off at exactly 9 P.M. so we knew we had to leave no matter how badly we wanted to stay. I put the air vents on full blast to warm us as I started the engine, backing up to turn the car around. Eric put his hand on my thigh, and to anyone else, we probably looked ridiculous. Between every gear shift, I held my hand over his.

Eric took a sip of his Coke. ‘’What are you doing tomorrow?’’ 

‘’Umm- probably nothing. Maybe hang out with Julie, I don’t know. What about you?’’ I squeezed his hand. 

‘’Dylan and I were thinking of going to this arcade, we should all go,’’ 

‘’That’s a great idea! I’m in!’’ He smiled the proudest smile I’d ever seen him wear, squeezing my hand right back. ‘’Great!’’

Soon, we arrived outside Eric’s house and I turned off the humming engine. We both glanced towards the house to check for movement. ‘’I think they’re asleep,’’ Eric mumbled. 

‘’Hey, let’s make dinner for them sometime,’’ 

He shot his eyes to me with raised eyebrows. ‘’For my parents?!’’ 

‘’Yeah, why not?’’ 

He snorted. ‘’Can you cook?’’

‘’That I can!’’ I said with a smile, leaning back confidently in my seat, folding my arms.

The cheeky smirk was back on his face. ‘’Well shit… maybe I’ll have to marry you someday,’’ 

The shock in my face caused Eric to laugh, and I did too, mouth hanging open. He unbuckled the seatbelt and leaned in to kiss me. This kiss was something else. He’d never been this gentle, this careful and before parting, he sucked on my bottom lip, lightly biting into it. When we opened our eyes again, his pupils were so dilated his eyes looked black. Stroking his thumb over my lips, he smirked, flaunting the dimple in his cheek. ‘’Good night,’’ 

I pursed my lips, knowing damn well he knew what we both felt. ‘’Good night…’’ He leaned away without tearing his eyes off of me, turning to open the door and step out. My gaze burned on him as he walked towards the house with slow steps, casting glances over his shoulder. I grunted to myself when I started the car again, unwillingly turning my head away to drive off. 

**

_ Eric. November 22, 1998. _

He tapped his fingers on his thigh, slightly moving his head back and forth to the music. The world seemed calmer behind his shades, not as fucked up and twisted. Not as shitty. Dylan was quiet beside him, changing the song from time to time. They had just dropped off Robyn at her place. The guns were in the back of his trunk and the feeling was immense. Indescribable. They fucking got ‘em. So why didn’t it feel as good as he thought it would?

‘’You got a place to hide ‘em?’’ 

He glanced at Dylan. ‘’I’m just gonna keep them in the trunk for now. I’ll find somewhere though. My parents don’t search through my shit anyway,’’ 

Dylan started snapping his fingers to the music. ‘’Alright,’’

‘’Fuck man, can you believe it yet? I know I fucking can’t,’’ He chuckled, and Dylan let out a soft snort. 

‘’No dude, can’t believe how easy it was too. Fucking zombies,’’ 

Eric tried repeatedly to heat himself up about the purchase, but he was in shock they’d actually gone through with it. This was real. His heart and head were lashing out on each other, one hitting him with the feeling of power and control and the other filling him with guilt and repugnance. His hate was fueled and set on fire, but the flame was struggling to find oxygen now. Why?

They arrived at his house. His parents weren’t home so everything was under control. The mission would be to get the guns inside the house without anyone seeing them. That’d cause a fucking scene he didn’t need. He’d have to wait until after dark. 

Dylan followed him inside the house, two large duffel bags on each shoulder, filled with two propane tanks and other equipage for the propane bombs. They moved straight down to the basement in silence and into Eric’s room to unload the stuff on the floor, ready to be put away and hid inside the crawl space. The rest had to go inside the garage or the gas would smell too much.

When they were done, they sat down in the family room. Eric in the armchair and Dylan vedged out on the couch, sipping on a Dr. Pepper. Eric unwrapped another slim jim. He gazed around the room, reminding himself that he had to hide away the camera somewhere. It couldn’t be sitting out in the open for anyone to watch the tapes. 

‘’Are you seeing her today?’’ Eric stopped chewing for a moment to recover from the mental punch Dylan had just given him. 

‘’Yep,’’ 

‘’Does she know?’’

‘’I told her I was working today…’’ 

‘’Shit.’’ 

Her face flashed by in his head. Her eyes. Her smile.

Dylan cleared his throat. ‘’Her friend Julie is pretty cool.’’

‘’Yeah, she is… what? You think she’s hot?’’ 

Dylan shot an annoyed glance Eric’s way, making him chuckle. ‘’Why the look? You can tell me,’’ His face was turning as red as the can when he took another sip. ‘’Shit man, yeah…or not hot, I mean she’s too cunning to be called just a hot chick,’’ 

Eric burst out laughing, putting Dylan in an even vulnerable state. ‘’What the fuck is so funny?’’ 

‘’Julie? She’s a damn beast. She could probably take us both out with one hit. And I thought I had a bad temper,’’ 

‘’Don’t talk about her like that.’’ Dylan’s voice turned darker and deeper even though he tried making it sound like he thought it was funny too.

‘’Yeah sorry. You should tell her though, or I could tell her for you,’’ 

Dylan snorted. ‘’You do that and I’ll kill you.’’

‘’Pssh, what do you got to lose? Maybe she’s into you. Can’t know for sure. Not in my wildest fantasy did I believe Helena would even talk to me, but she did. Shit - Julie talks to you all the time,’’ 

‘’It’s called being polite,’’ 

Eric raised his eyebrows. ‘’Whatever dude.’’

Dylan changed to a sitting position before standing up to start the TV. He grabbed the remote as he plunged back on the couch. ‘’We should go to that arcade tomorrow. I’ll bring Nate. I think Zach wanted to go too,’’ 

‘’Yeah, I’ll tell Helena to bring Julie…’’ Dylan didn’t even bother and huffed back for an answer. They sat in silence for ten minutes, wearily staring at the screen.

‘’Do you love her?’’

This struck Eric like a brick to the face. Cold sweat washed over him by the fact that he couldn’t answer that right away. 

‘’Shit, no… how the fuck am I supposed to do that? I can’t allow it. I can’t even allow myself to love my mom anymore,’’

‘’Yeah, I know…’’

Exhaustion made itself known after today’s events and Eric sunk lower and lower down in the armchair until he struggled to keep his eyes open. They both fell fast asleep.

_He knew it was her. He knew it from the way she was standing, even though she had her back to him. Everything about her invited him in. Her hair whisking over her shoulders in the cold breeze; the wind making her yellow dress stick to her body, revealing everything he fantasized about running his hands over. He walked closer and closer until she was within arm’s reach. He carefully placed a hand on her shoulder to turn her around without scaring her. She felt different. Her skin was disturbingly cold against his palm. What he saw as she faced him, made him recoil so violently he stumbled and landed on his back…_

He catapulted awake in the chair, almost ripping the fabric with his clenched fists. The TV was still flickering scenes of commercials and advertisements, and Dylan was snoring lightly, arms folded over his chest. Eric let go of his breath as soon as he was sure his friend was sleeping. He panted silently, wiping sweat from his forehead. Gritting his teeth, he recognized the feeling of Embarrassment and Weakness sitting on his chest with all their weight. These nightmares were getting to him. He didn’t want to feel this fucking debilitated. They had guns now. They were armed to their fucking teeth. Where was the raging motivation? The thrilling expectations? Something made it harder to function properly. To turn heartless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is ALWAYS appreciated. You're amazing.


	14. Outback

_December 3, 1998._

The commons. Lunch. I sat leaning on my elbows over the table; zoning in and out; not paying the slightest attention to Julie’s banter beside me. My gaze was frozen on one of the windows, watching as people passed outside, throwing snowballs at each other. To most student’s sheer delight, the snow had finally arrived and the ground was covered in white. Julie and I were not one of them. If you were unfortunate enough, you would suffer a snowball to the back of your head any time you walked outside, or worse, a cold hard hit to the face.

I received a firm nudge to my arm and turning my head, I saw Julie’s annoyed face glaring at me. ‘’Hey, dreamer! Wake up…’’ She waved her hand close to my face. Our table group joined together in laughter and I cracked an absent smile. ‘’Yeah, yeah I’m awake…’’

‘’We’re leaving,’’ 

‘’Oh…’’ I sat up straight, gathering myself. Everyone at our table was on their way from their seats, and Evan was right beside me, swinging his backpack over his shoulder. We started walking beside each other towards the staircase. ‘’Does he ever eat here?’’ My face burned a little. He didn’t even have to mention his name.

‘’No, he and Dylan usually go to Blackjacks. They work there so they get free lunch,’’

‘’Ay, that’s hella smart. He seems cool - Eric I mean,’’ We glanced at each other, and I scrunched my nose, trying to hide a smile.

‘’Yeah, like you,’’

‘’Ah, yeah, right…’’ We nudged each other, making us both stumble to the side, laughing. Julie was still in a deep conversation with Emily about poetry, letting Austin suffer in silence beside them. We weren’t the only ones leaving for class and the stairs became a bit crowded. As our group reached the top, we turned left, cracking jokes, mocking and teasing each other. We had calculus coming up for the fifth period and then we got to go home. I couldn’t wait. I was tired to my bones. My night had mainly consisted of nightmares and cold sweats, instead of sleeping and cute dreams. Usually, it was the same nightmare that repeated itself. Me, the oak and his voice in my head. I still didn’t understand it.

We reached the classroom, took our usual seats, and waited for the teacher. Our spots were always in the back of the room, by the south-facing wall. You had a good look over the parking lot and the mountains from there, but also, I didn’t have to feel Jeremy’s stare in the back of my neck. It was extremely weird to share the same room and atmosphere with him, even though we didn’t acknowledge each other for the life of us. Undeniably, I knew he cast glances over his shoulder from time to time. Julie saw him. Evan saw him. And that was that.

An hour and a half later, we were released. Released; that’s what it felt like. Jeremy was the first one to barge out of there every time and Julie huffing beside me had become routine. Evan didn’t say much about it. However, today, calculus had been a lot of fun. I got a lot done, and Evan passed notes with Julie, and I passed notes with Evan’s best guy friend, Chris. He had been blatantly interested in me since freshman year but we’d never acted on it. To be fair, I hadn’t been that into it either. 

We parted from Emily and Austin as we reached mine and Julie’s locker. Evan and Chris were standing beside me, talking to each other about some party, and all I could think of was Eric. I got my backpack out, tossed it over my shoulder, turning my attention to the guys. 

‘’Hey, you should come too,’’ Chris pointed his finger to me for a second with a big grin before his gaze wandered off to the right, grin fading instantly and hand dropping. I frowned mockingly at his sudden change of face, and that’s when I realized someone had joined us. ‘’Boo…’’ His whisper was right by my ear and I jumped, turning to face him. 

Closing my eyes, sighing, I put my hand to my pounding chest. ‘’Jesus! One day, I’ll accidentally… no, wait… I’ll smack you. Hard! Intentionally.’’ Eric wasn’t discouraged by my threat and his smirk widened but faded again as he shifted his gaze to Evan and Chris. 

A short head jerk to greet them. ‘’What’s up?’’ Evan’s response was enthusiastic meanwhile Chris’ wasn’t. I could feel the tension rise as no one said anything, just exchanging looks in silence. Eric’s eyes were stuck on Chris in particular before he tore them away to look at me. He looked pensive, wetting his bottom lip, practicing a confident stance.

Evan stuck his hand in the air to wave at us. ‘’Alright - Helena, see ya tomorrow, you too Eric!’’ He smiled his warmest smile, turning on his heel. Chris was already on his way before even saying goodbye. Eric’s expression mellowed to wave back at Evan and I did too. ‘’Bye Evan, bye Chris…’’ When I turned back to face Eric, he had his hands to his hips, eyes intensely glaring after them.

‘’You okay?’’ 

His eyes snapped to me, not looking too impressed. ‘’I’m alright. How was your day?’’ He’d been oddly distant all day but now was even weirder. I took him in, admiring every detail of his face with a growing smile. He was wearing a gray sweater today. His glasses were pushed back on his head, over his hat.

Taking a step closer to him, I threw my arms around him in a firm hug, no intention of letting go anytime soon. ‘’My day was fine. How was yours?’’ My smile grew when I felt his arms around me. But today, his heart was calm in his chest.

‘’Not too bad.’’ I could finally hear a smirk on his lips and I turned my face to look up at him. Stealing a quick kiss, his eyebrows shot up and the stern lines seemed to ease out. I’d completely forgotten about where we were, and I parted from him as Julie joined us.

‘’I’m just here to let you guys know… that there’s actually hotel rooms and shit for that sorta crap,’’ At first her face was dead serious, then she cracked up. ‘’Just kidding, you’re cute as shit, as usual blablabla…’’ She rolled her eyes, making a funny face. ‘’Hey, where’s Dylan by the way?’’ 

Eric hadn’t let go of my hand yet. ‘’He’s outside in his car. I wanted to ask if you want to go with us to Rampart Range today. We’re thinking of heading there in an hour or so,’’ 

‘’Rampart Range?!’’ Julie frowned, changing her posture to weigh on her hip. Eric grunted at her sudden outburst, looking left and right. ‘’What the heck are we gonna do there? We’ll fall and die or something. The snow is slippery…? Duh.’’ She had her left eyebrow raised, and Eric changed his stance towards her.

‘’Well you know, Nancy, you don’t have to come if you don’t want to,’’ Then he shifted his gaze to me. ‘’It’s just gonna be us and Dylan,’’ 

I nodded, smiling, all tiredness pushed aside. ‘’Alright, I’m in.’’ I looked right at Julie. ‘’It’s super pretty up there, I promise, you’ll love it.’’

‘’Hold up-’’ Julie put her hand up in protest, closing and opening her eyes again to glare at Eric. ‘’First of all, you didn’t answer my question…’’

‘’And second?’’ He mocked her, folding his arms now. ‘’I think Dylan would be really happy if you went with us,’’ 

Now Julie’s right eyebrow joined the other, glancing at me. Something unspoken electrified between us and she pursed her lips, looking back at Eric. ‘’Fine. But you still haven’t answered that damn question…’’

‘’I’ll let you know in the car, come on,’’ We let go of each other at the same time, though he couldn’t resist placing an uncoordinated light kiss on my cheek as we walked down the hall. The happy Eric I knew seemed to have resurfaced, making my chest filled with warmth. Julie and I were both holding our jackets over the arm, and when we reached the entrance to walk outside, the cold air hit, rocking me awake. I squinted my eyes, shielding them from the bright sunlight with my hand. The sun made the snow sparkle like white glitter and huge patches had already begun to melt away again. 

We jogged down the steps as a trio. Eric had his shades on now and I could feel myself internally swoon as he glanced up at me from below, smiling. He was ahead of us, and a short honk brought our attention to a black BMW. If the honk hadn’t brought our attention to it, the blaring music certainly would have. I didn’t recognize the music at all but Julie gasped beside me, leaving my side to walk faster towards the car. Leaning down, she glanced at Dylan through the open passenger window.

‘’The Chemical Brothers?! You’ve got to be kidding me. Are you fucking with me or is this real?’’ She opened the car door, still leaned down, backpack almost sliding down over her head. Inside, I heard Dylan’s rumbling chuckle as he turned the volume down. ‘’No, not kidding. This is good stuff,’’ 

‘’Um, hell yeah it is! - you guys go in the backseat,’’ She ordered us, pushing the seat forward to let me and Eric step inside. 

Eric huffed. ‘’You’re worse than I thought,’’ Julie missed him with a punch by the inch as he slid past her. ‘’See, this is why you get to sit in the backseat. Disobeying children don’t get the front seat,’’   
I sighed, stopping to roll my eyes at her before leaning down, stepping inside beside Eric. The car was boiling and I figured why Dylan had the windows down. 

Apparently, he’d caught my panting expression in the rearview mirror. ‘’Sorry about the heat, black cars are hopeless,’’ 

‘’Oh, I know…’’ I gave him a smile of recognition since my car was black too. He seemed a little tense, hiding behind his shades. Having the perfect view of his profile, I saw him glancing at Julie several times as she got seated, trying to act cool, nervously tapping his fingers on his thigh.

Eric and I stole looks with each other, buckling up and Julie snapped her fingers to the beat, turning her head to me. ‘’Helena, I have to show you this band, they’re amazing-’’ Then she turned her attention to Dylan instead. ‘’Hey! Wait a minute, I’ve seen you wearing a shirt even… Dig Your Own Hole,’’ Her smile grew wider and wider and she couldn’t believe herself for not noticing before. 

Eric snorted. ‘’He has a bumper sticker too,’’ 

Dylan confirmed with a nod, pursing his lips. He turned the engine on and started backing up. Julie’s face told all of us she still couldn’t believe it. ‘’Damn Dylan… you’re pretty cool!’’ He chuckled in response and Eric snorted again. 

‘’After all these months and you notice now? Pssh,’’ Julie snapped around in the seat, glaring at Eric. And that was it. One glare and she turned back to smack her hands together.

‘’So, where the heck to?!’’ 

Naturally, I looked at Eric, and Eric looked at me, then to Dylan in the front. ‘’Well, we thought about eating something first. We agreed on Outback but if you guys wanna go somewhere else that’s fine too…’’

Julie wasn’t late with an answer. ‘’Outback’s cool!’’ Eric shifted his hopeful gaze to me, and his childlike demeanor was hard to miss. With a laugh, I nodded my head. ‘’Yep, Outback it is…’’ He reached to grab my hand from my lap, lacing our fingers together. 

His smirk was undeniable. ‘’Great!’’

Dylan drove to the end of the parking lot, signaling to turn right onto the main street. Julie was chattering away already, but all I could think of was Eric’s presence. His hand in mine. Glancing back and forth, we smiled at each other in silence. It felt so good. My best friend was in the front seat, talking to Eric’s best friend who was driving. And beside me, I had a guy that I had genuine feelings for. For the first time in my teenage life, I could feel I was in love. This is what it had to feel like. I truly felt invincible, like there was peace in the world finally.

I wet my lips, glancing at Eric again. Then I caught a glimpse of Dylan, glaring at us through the rearview mirror. I smiled, but he just darted his eyes away, pretending he hadn’t seen me. With a slight frown, I looked out the window again, thinking it was probably nothing. Dylan was shy, even though he’d started to open up a whole lot with Julie. 

The car ride wasn’t too long, and eventually, we pulled into a parking space out front of Outback. We got out, trying not to slip on the snow and break our necks. Julie and I walked ahead, and right as we were to enter, I was shocked by a cold smack to my back. Turning my head, chin dropped to the floor, I saw Eric bent over laughing.

Dylan put his hands up, hiding behind his glasses with a cheeky grin. ‘’Wasn’t me!’’ Taking two long steps aside, he joined Julie at the entrance as I started creeping towards Eric with preying eyes. 

Eric’s chuckle intensified and he started walking backward. ‘’Hey! I’m sorry! Sorry…’’ He looked around for a way to escape and I bent down, grabbing a chunk of snow in my hand and dashed towards him in one go.

‘’Get over here!’’ I was starting to laugh too, chasing after him, snowball squeezed up and ready in hand. I laughed even harder at times as he skidded across the ground, almost falling over. Then he took a full stop and turned to me, allowing me to catch him. I took a full swing, lunging the ball his way, missing him completely. 

‘’Hah! You suck! Now it’s my turn…’’ 

I screeched, spinning around to rush back to the entrance. Dylan and Julie weren’t there anymore and I figured they’d walked inside. Good. That was my escape. The further I got, the closer Eric was on my heel. His chuckle was getting louder behind my back, and just as I reached the door, he grabbed me from behind, locking me in a hug. ‘’Gotcha!’’ 

Panting in between the continuous laughter, we entered Outback together, roaming our gaze around for Dylan and Julie. As usual, Dylan wasn’t hard to miss, as his head stuck out from one of the booths.

‘’Hi kiddos, done with playtime already?!’’ Julie’s smile reached her eyes, and she scooted over to make room for me beside her. Eric sat down beside Dylan right across, eyes on Julie. His cheeks were blushed from both the cold air and the sprinting session.

Eric leaned onto the table, arms crossed. ‘’Did you order?’’ He shifted his gaze between Dyl and Julie. 

Julie huffed. ‘’I’m usually pretty rude, but I’m not that rude…’’

‘’Good point there, Nancy,’’ 

Dylan cleared his throat. ‘’We’re waiting for the menus.’’ 

I decided to add to the conversation early. ‘’What are you guys getting?’’

‘’Can you guess one time for me?’’ Eric looked at me now, wetting his bottom lip, twitching his eyebrows. The vibrant light streaming in through the window made his eyes practically glow. Good thing I was sitting down.

‘’Ahhh, that one’s easy, you’re getting a big fat plate of fish!’’ 

He winced back with a disgusted face, growing a smirk. ‘’Not even for a million bucks.’’

Julie joined in. ‘’Really?! Think about it…. A million bucks.’’

‘’How much fish are we talking?’’ 

‘’A whole piece,’’ 

‘’Fuck no. Forget it. I’d rather shoot myself in the foot,’’ 

Julie cracked up. ‘’Now that - is fucking doubtful!’’ Eric’s face turned serious as cancer, and he eyed Julie one time before looking another direction. No one seemed to pay too much attention to it, and Julie started chatting up Dylan instead.

I leaned in a bit, whispering.‘’Are you hungry?’’

He picked at his hand with the other before folding them together. ‘’I guess it’s that obvious, huh?’’

I demonstrated by pinching my thumb and index finger together in front of my face. ‘’Just a tiny bit,’’ 

He smirked, but it didn’t reach his eyes. Darting his gaze around, he seemed absent, unattentive. I wanted to ask him about it, badly. But I couldn’t. Not when we had company.

Julie’s voice brought my attention to her. ‘’So… Rampart Range? What’s up with that?’’ I looked at Dylan for his reaction as he folded his arms over his chest, leaned back. His gaze was nervous, unable to stick to anything for too long. Especially Julie.

‘’We were there yesterday…’’ Eric didn’t bother to glance at Dylan before spilling the truth. ‘’We tried the guns for the first time,’’ 

Julie and I blurted out at the same time, and I winced back. ‘’What?!’’ Dylan twisted uncomfortably where he sat, but his face revealed nothing. 

‘’What guns?! Did you buy guns?’’ Julie was almost laying over the table at this point, leaned in close, hissing. 

My face burned. Disappointment drained me again as I remembered. I brushed my hand through my hair, hiding my cheeks with strands of hair. I glared down at the table, memorizing every pattern, every scratch, to avoid looking at Eric.

Then Julie stunned me with a short chuckle. ‘’You’re fucking kidding right…? What guns did you get?’’ 

I heard him sigh confidently. ‘’Just a 9mm carbine, and a shotgun. Double barrel. Then a few shells and rounds and such…. The shotgun’s Dylans though,’’

‘’Oh shit, those have a crazy kickback. I tried my dad’s once, it was so freaky… what are you gonna use them for?’’ Another chuckle from Julie, feeling like another poke in the eye. Mahogany. The table was mahogany.

‘’Uh… hunting. Both me and Dylan were thinking of going hunting sometime soon,’’ I could feel Eric’s gaze on me. It burned like a torch, yet I couldn’t see it.

A hard nudge finally made me look up from the table. ‘’We should totally go, right?’’ I turned my head to Julie, still leaning her whole upper body on the table, now with a bold smile on her face. Was everyone accepting of guns but me?

I shrugged casually, forcing a weak smile. ‘’Maybe…’’ 

Saved by the bell, the waitress joined us, handing out menus. Perfect. Now I had a reason to stare down at the table. We all decided what to get pretty quickly. Menus were taken back and our ordered drinks were placed in front of us. I’d never sipped a drink more eagerly in my life. I decided to swallow down the irritation along with the Coke. 

‘’When’s your birthday, Dylan?’’ In the corner of my eye, I saw Eric stare at me for a couple of seconds before turning his head towards Dylan. 

‘’September 11,’’

Julie hissed. ‘’Ouch, that’s pretty late. Next year will be such a buzz not being able to go out until after summer….’’ 

Dylan chuckled. ‘’Yeah, it’s gonna be a long wait,’’ He reached to grab his glass for a sip.

Another five minutes passed, and then we got our food. The smell made our mouths water and we dug in immediately. I smiled at Julie and Dylan as he teased her for having a little something on her lip, which she didn’t actually have. Eric’s mood change was obvious and he barely finished his plate. I’d only met his gaze once during the whole time after his talk about the guns. To my inner relief, I realized it was dark outside when I looked out the window. We wouldn’t be able to go to Rampart today. There was no way. We’d all forgot about the time and Julie pointed it out not too long after. Eric didn’t seem to care too much, stone-faced and pouty. It was weird seeing Dylan more chatty and outgoing than Eric.

‘’Alright, are you guys done?’’ All three of us shot our eyes at Eric as he spoke for the first time in an hour. We agreed we were finished and Eric shot up from his seat, not bothering to wait for the waitress to get back with the check. Dylan paid for Julie, and Eric paid for me without saying anything. I stared into the back of his neck as we walked outside, Dylan and Julie behind me. Turning my head, Julie had a deep frown on her face, mouthing _‘what the fuck’_. My shrug was a lie, but only I knew that.

The car ride back was silent as a graveyard. Deathly. Eric glared out the window and I did too - the opposite way. We reached the school parking lot where Julie’s car stood waiting for us, and I mentally prepared myself for what I knew was going to be a very weird goodbye. We took a full stop, and both Julie and Dylan got out, letting me and Eric escape the tenacious hell in the backseat. Julie gave Dylan a quick hug, and Eric circled the hood, coming right towards me. As the gap closed between us, I was sure he was going to pass me by, but he stopped right in front of me, leaning in to give a lingering kiss on my cheek before taking a seat. ‘’I’ll call you later, alright?’’ He buried his eyes deep in mine, and then he closed the door. I stood dumbfounded for a second, then I walked right off to Julie’s car, backpack in one hand, and my jacket in the other. 

Plunging in the seat, I felt apathetic. Maybe giving Eric the silent treatment hadn’t been the greatest idea. Julie made the thoughts scatter. 

‘’Okay, what the actual fuck was that? Are you okay?’’ She placed a hand on my shoulder. 

I nodded my head eagerly. ‘’I’m fine,’’ 

She narrowed her eyes, frowning. ‘’Why are you lying?’’ Fuck. 

‘’Just… drive please.’’ We both darted our eyes at Dylan’s BMW as it passed outside with high speed, disappearing in the distance.

Julie didn’t say another word and started the car to get us out of there.

**

‘’Wait… so you knew about this?’’ Julie had her arms crossed as she stood up from the couch in her room to walk over to her computer.

I was staring up at the ceiling, laying on my back. ‘’Yeah…’’ 

‘’So that’s what that was about. Cause that was fucking weird,’’ 

I pursed my lips, shifting my eyes over the dark wooden panel. ‘’I hate guns. I don’t like that he bought guns. It doesn’t feel good, you know?’’ 

‘’It’s not that big of a deal though, Helena. It’s not like they’re gonna shoot anybody…except for animals I guess,’’ 

I bit my lip, closing my eyes. Eric’s hard words on his webpage flashed by inside my head and I shot my eyes open. ‘’Julie… I need to show you something,’’ I sat up, and the room turned horizontal again. I was quick on my feet, striding over to her. She was already seated and the computer had just started. ‘’How long till it’s loaded?’’ 

‘’Relax… it’s going,’’

The password screen popped up and Julie signed in. Then another minute for it to load completely. ‘’Alright, is it done now?’’ 

‘’Oh my god, what the hell is with you? You’ve never been this excited about getting on the computer in your life…’’ I pushed her aside, and she protested with a grunt.

‘’Just shut up and look at this,’’ I opened the browser, typing in the address to his AOL page the fastest I could. The page loaded in warp speed compared to at my house, and there it was again. All three pages long. I looked back at Julie, who was rolling her chair closer and closer, squinting her eyes. Silence followed as she read the words, line by line. Then her head shot back. 

‘’Brooks Brown?! Wait a damn minute… does he know him?’’ She poked the screen, right by the name, turning her head to me. She looked appalled, and I wasn’t surprised. ‘’What the fuck is all this… is this Eric? Did he write this?’’ She shifted her eyes between me and the screen before stopping at the screen again, not believing what she’d just read.

I hugged myself, biting hard into my lip. ‘’At first, I thought it was funny because honestly, it’s true… some of it is true. But then, he buys a gun, and it just feels…. not right.’’ 

‘’Okay okay okay… let’s calm down. Does he know Brooks Brown?’’

I shrugged impatiently, tapping my foot. ‘’I have no idea, I didn’t- I didn’t reflect on the name.’’ 

‘’Helena… his brother is in our class. Aaron Brown. I’ve talked to Brooks a couple of times and I remember he mentioned being pissed at someone for something, I can’t really remember- but I’m asking again, did he write this?’’

Scratching the back of my head, I nodded, looking another way. Shit. Maybe this wasn’t good. Maybe I shouldn’t have shown her the page. 

‘’This is so far from the Eric I’ve seen,’’ She pushed herself away from the screen an inch, folding her arms. ‘’And sure, I can totally agree with you now. Him buying a gun and then this-’’ She pointed at the screen again. ‘’That’s pretty creepy. Have you told anyone?’’ 

‘’Only you. And you can’t tell anyone, okay? Promise me.’’ 

‘’Does he know you saw this?’’ 

I nodded again, biting my lip again. 

‘’And his reaction…?’’ 

‘’I didn’t really give him one either so naturally, his reaction was… fine. He seemed fine. I told him it was funny- that I found it funny.’’ 

Julie made a face. ‘’Do you really?’’ 

I’d known since that night, that he’d bought a gun. I’d known for two weeks, but only now did I connect the dots. ‘’Not now…’’ 

She stood up, grabbing me by the arms. ‘’You have to talk to him about this. You are super important to him, he’ll listen to you,’’ 

I huffed, rolling my eyes. ‘’Yeah, right. I felt suuuuper important earlier….’’

Julie waved her hand. ‘’Nevermind that, fuck that right now. Focus on talking to him. Cause that kid right there-’’ Once again, she darted her eyes to the screen. ‘’-needs someone to talk to… ’’

‘’...how do you know I’m that important to him…?’’

She let go of me, shaking her head with a smile. ‘’We’ve talked, okay. And I see it in his eyes. The way he looks at you…. You don’t even know.’’

I swallowed. Hard. And then I swallowed again. Was it tears coming or was it something else? I blinked frantically, scanning around the room. He’d said he was going to call me. He’d told me that before; that one time he never called and didn’t pick up either. I clenched my jaw in anger, thinking about it. Julie snapped her fingers in my face. 

‘’Yo! Are you here…?’’ 

I groaned, smacking her hand away. ‘’Give me a damn minute alright!’’ I went back to the couch, and Julie followed to sit down beside me. Maybe this was more dramatic in my head than in hers. 

‘’Talk to him about it. Like for real talk. Go somewhere, and sit there for like five hundred hours and just spill it, alright?’’ 

‘’You’re insane.’’ 

She laughed. ‘’No, apparently your boy is insane! Crazy fucking writing….’’ I exhaled a short laugh too, bowing my head with my face in my hands. ‘’That shit that he writes… is not okay. I hope you see that too, Helena. Weirdo alert. I like Eric but, come on, that’s a really creepy side of him.’’

I sighed. ‘’I’ll talk to him. And you’re probably right, it’s not a big deal,’’

‘’To be fair, he’s just a dude thinking he’s cool or something. I think he’s doing it mostly for show probably. I mean, he’s not just a dude to you, but… yeah.’’

I kept my mouth shut, just thinking. Thinking and thinking. And then thinking some more. I could see in Julie’s face that she was doing the same. We sat like there for the next two hours, and Julie held her distance, leaving me be. 

We both fell asleep around midnight.

**

_ Eric. December 3, 1998. _

Staring straight ahead, he refused to give her another glance as they sped away over the school grounds. That was it. It was happening. She was starting to ignore him. Clear as day, he could feel it. He’d felt it so many times before. She was pushing him away, like all the other girls he’d ever talked to. But she wasn’t any other girl - that was the hardest part.

She’d looked at him once. And then she went on asking Dylan a bunch of questions? He clenched his jaw thinking about it. 

Dylan turned up the volume loud as he raced down the main street, and Eric couldn’t help giving him a dirty look. Dylan didn’t notice, but something else was stirring inside the car. The tension was thick.

‘’You shouldn’t have said the shit you did…’’ Dylan’s voice made Eric snap his eyes at him. It irritated him to no end right now. 

‘’Who the fuck are you to tell me what to do or not to do?’’ 

Dylan gave Eric the same snappy look. ‘’I’m just saying… stupid move. They shouldn’t know about the guns, man,’’ 

‘’We agreed on letting them know to ease suspicion.’’ 

Dylan raised his voice a few notches. ‘’Why fucking tell them anything!’’ 

‘’Because I told Helena….’’

‘’Yeah. That’s another stupid mistake. You told her. Why the fuck did you do that, man?’’

Eric’s blood was boiling at this point. All he wanted to do was break his fucking window. He didn’t even care. The vein pulsated in his temple, almost pushing him over the edge. They were getting closer to Eric’s house now, so he hesitated. He just needed to get the fuck out of this car.

‘’I don’t know about you but I saw Helena’s reaction pretty clear… she was freaking out. Do you know what people do when they freak out? They talk shit to everyone and anything like fucking zombies,’’

‘’She won’t talk. She’s not like that.’’ 

‘’How the fuck do you know that, Reb?! She could fuck it all up! You’re fucking this all up!’’

‘’Stop the fucking car! Stop the fucking car right now or I’ll break your fucking window!’’ 

Dylan stomped the brakes with all his power, lunging them forward, seatbelt almost slicing them in half. He glared at Eric, eyes growing black. ‘’You’re not gonna do shit…’’ 

Without paying him another second of mind, Eric barged out of the door, slamming it shut behind him. They were in the middle of the road, but Eric didn’t give two shits. He stomped away down the street, hearing as Dylan revved the engine, tires slipping and squealing until he got a grip in the snow, speeding past him.

It was freezing. He wasn’t sure how many blocks he’d have to walk but he couldn’t care less. He kicked the snow, grunting and gritting his teeth. ‘’FUCK!’’ More cars passed him. Headlights coming and going.

He’d hurt her again. Why did he keep hurting her? Was it the guns? Of course it was, fucking dumbass. He’d seen the look on her face. He had regretted it instantly. Why did he even have to say it? There was no reason for it. Was he trying to act cool? He didn’t gain shit from it anyway. She was far from impressed. All he wanted was for her to like him. It was all probably too late now. She was going to leave him. He was almost certain she’d stop talking to him now. And the way he left her? He kicked the ground again.

It took him fifteen minutes to reach the house. He refused to have any type of argument with his parents right now. Sneaking around back, he crouched down by his window, and with a light nudge, it opened and he climbed inside. 

He stood silent for a minute, listening in for sounds or movements. His pounding anger had started to wear off, and he planned on keeping it that way, at least for tonight. He didn’t bother turning on the lights. Instead, he sat down on his bed with a heavy thud, glaring in complete darkness. Helena was on his mind again. As always. It raced back to seeing her at school earlier, standing with Evan, and that other guy. Who was he? Does she like him? He knew he probably liked her. Who wouldn’t? Most people do. Kathy asked about her constantly. Wayne too. And they’d met her once. He scratched his temple, shaking his leg, growing impatient with himself.

He had to call her.

Sliding the door open, he silently snuck through the family room, tiptoeing upstairs. The only source of light was coming from his watch. As soon as he reached the kitchen, he grabbed the receiver, punching in her numbers. He knew her number now, without thinking twice. One signal, two signals… 

_‘’The number you have dialed…’’_

He tried again. And again. With every attempt, the anxiety grew larger, eventually turning into anger. Reaching a dead-end in her voicemail for the fourth time, he slammed the receiver back. It took all his willpower to not punch a hole in the wall next to it.

He wouldn’t sleep a minute that night. She kept him awake. And so did NBK.


	15. Unforthcoming

_ Eric. December 4, 1998. _

6 A.M. He had his mind set. He wasn’t going to give Helena as much as a look today. The downgrading had to stop. If Helena was going to push him away, he might as well be prepared. Despite this, his mind was clearer than ever. NBK weighed over again, and it made him focused, sharp.

He’d stared at the ceiling the whole night, twisting and turning, never finding the right peace to let the sleep have him.

After a quick shower, he was dressed and ready in a matter of minutes. He wanted to wait today until his parents had left the house.

Just as he’d put his hat on, he heard Kathy. _‘’Eric? I’m leaving… have a good day at school!’’_

‘’Bye!’’ He yelled back, adjusting his t-shirt, making sure it looked alright. Tier. That’s what it said on the back, and he had to be one today. He heard his mother’s car start in the garage, and waited a few more minutes until she was gone. Wayne had already left.

Grabbing the keys and putting them inside his pocket, he ran upstairs and out the door. He chose to wear his trenchcoat today, even though he knew he’d get shit for it. Faggot, nerd, freak… you name it.  
As he started the engine, he remembered his parting with Dylan last night. Shit. What the fuck was going to happen now? He had to talk to him but at the same time, he refused. 

Pulling up on school grounds ten minutes later, his gaze automatically searched for Helena’s car in the junior lot. Surely, there it was. A light pinch went through his abdomen, causing him to exhale a snort. Great, just seeing her car made him feel a type of way. Crap. Focus.

He could feel the stares as he walked passed people outside the school, entering the building. But behind his shades, he couldn’t care less. They made him calm and confident. They made the world, his world. 

Was Dylan here today? Probably. They had yet to finish their video for government class. But he doubted today would be the day. He’d have to discuss it with Mike and Erik.

Opening his locker, he threw the shit he had with him in there. Jacket, backpack, glasses. He had to take his hat off too or some stupid teacher would nag him. As if they had a right to tell him what to do.

He was certain he’d checked the surroundings for other people, but sure enough, he had missed her. A light poke in his back surprised him and as he turned around, there she was. As gorgeous as ever, the same sweet look she'd had the first time he saw her. She didn’t even seem upset. She looked….

**

_ Helena. December 4, 1998. _

His deep frown almost made me back down.

_Get your shit together._ ‘’Hi…’’ I pressed the books closer and closer to my chest, trying to muffle my racing heart. It was no use. My red cheeks had already uncovered that for me.

The frown was starting to fade, and he turned his stance towards me fully. Shifting his eyes in mine, he put his right hand to his hip, the other one holding onto the locker door. ‘’Hey,’’ I’d never seen him this worn out. His eyelids almost hung halfway over his eyes.

‘’ How are you today?’’ I mentally cringed over the awkwardness, but I kept a straight face, wetting my lips. His gaze scanned the people passing us by, and then me.

‘’Never been better.’’ It almost seemed like he was going to turn back around but he hesitated. No matter how much he tried to hide it, he looked deeply bewildered.

‘’You’re the worst liar ever…’’ The corner of my mouth twitched, and I fought for my life not to smile. No reaction from him but a stone-cold glare, even though his eyes spoke of deep emotion. ‘’I have class in five minutes but- I saw your car and I had to check if you were here. We have to talk. Are you doing something later or are you free?’’ 

He froze, clenching his jaw. ‘’I guess I’m free,’’ 

I sighed, feeling the confidence find its way back to me even though he was being impossible right now. I had to state a point. I had to be bold. Whatever it was, he didn’t get it. Taking a step forward, I was inches away from him. Freeing my hands by putting the books under my arm, I cupped his slender cheeks, placing my lips willingly on his. I lingered for a second, feeling his lips vaguely respond, before breaking us apart. When I looked at him, he had his eyes closed still, and as soon as he opened them, his dilated pupils contracted back to normal size. I sighed again, taking a step back. ‘’Eric, this is where you realize how much you mean to me…’’

His lips were parted, gaze frantically studying every single line in my face as if this was the last time he’d be able to. He looked floored, thought process generating at high speed.

This was the perfect moment to smile. ‘’Never forget. Please.’’ I turned on my heel, but he grabbed my arm the same second, pulling me back a bit. 

‘’You’re not mad at me…?’’ His voice was raspy, idle. Not mad at him; hmm, not entirely true.

I shook my head and he narrowed his eyes before loosening his soft grip. ‘’I’ll see you later then. I’ll wait by your car.’’ He still didn’t smile and I thought about how much I missed it.

‘’By my car. Sounds good.’’ I felt his glare in my back as I walked away, finally letting go of my breath.

As anticipated, time passed slowly. Julie already knew, so she didn’t ask. Evan wasn’t in school today, and the day overall sucked. I was cold, my head hurt and my heart too. The Helena in love residing inside me screamed for Eric. It told me to screw the headwork and just let my heart have its way instead. Easy peasy, right?

During the third period, Chris handed me a note. I eagerly opened it with a tired smile, expecting the same witty humor written on it as the day before.

_~Are you and Eric together?~ _

I shot him a nervous glance, but he had his back to me, hunched over his bench, working on something. I could feel my cheeks turn red again, and I casually shielded with a hand. Doublechecking to see if Mrs. Weathers was watching, I grabbed my pen.

_~You could say that, why?~_

Folding it into a tiny piece, I gave it back. He had a hopeful grin on his face as he turned his head to me, unwrapping it. The grin quickly shifted into a vague smile followed by a nod like he understood. And that was the end of it. To be fair, I already knew the answer to why he’d asked.

The last period was canceled due to our teacher being sick and with an impatience almost killing me, I darted out to the parking lot as fast as I could. Eric was nowhere to be seen yet, and I figured I’d just wait inside my car. The person pulling up in the space beside me was not who I expected. Robyn. She waved at me through the window before stepping outside and walking over.

I rolled down my window. ‘’Hey! What’s up?!’’ _Far too enthusiastic._

‘’Can I talk to you for a minute?’’ She had her sunglasses on, making it difficult for me to read her.

‘’Um, of course…wait let me get out,’’ She moved for me to open the door and join her on the icy pavement. ‘’Are you okay?’’ The sun wasn’t out, but the brightness made me squint my eyes.

She folded her arms, standing straight. ‘’This is so stupid and awkward but it’s eating me alive… your friend- Julie is it?’’ 

‘’Yeah…’’

She was very forward, not hesitating in her speech. ‘’Do you know anything about her and Dylan?’’

My eyebrows shut up to my forehead. ‘’Uh-’’

‘’Here’s the thing,’’ She took a step closer, lowering her voice. ‘’I really, really like Dylan. But he’s slipping. Do you know what I mean? I don’t wanna sound rude, but ever since he started hanging out with you… and Julie, and Eric, I barely hear from him anymore.’’

Her words clicked immediately. This was a girl problem. It was so vulnerable and she was so awkwardly exposed. The thing that baffled me, was that she’d chosen to talk to me about it. Closest to the source, I guess.

‘’Oh… um, I’ll be honest with you, I don’t really know anything about Dylan and her. Did you ask him about it?’’ 

‘’That's the thing… I can’t. I didn’t even tell him about my feelings so it’s a fucked up situation,’’ My heart sunk in my chest for her. ‘’Sorry for just dumping this shit on you but I didn’t know where else to go…’’ She reached to take her shades off, disclosing her pleading gaze.

‘’It’s okay! You really don’t have to apologize. It’s just very hard for me to make anything out of this because Julie is my friend and… you know what, here, you should take my number,’’ I opened the car door again, leaning in to tear a piece of paper from my planner and grab a pen. I scribbled the digits down neatly before handing it to her. ‘’Thank you again for last time by the way,’’ I smiled sweetly at her to try to enlighten the situation.

She curled her lip just a little bit. ‘’No problem. And thank you. Is it weird if I call you sometime?’’ 

‘’No, please!’’ We were interrupted by crunching footsteps coming towards us and looking over my shoulder, I saw Eric approaching. His outfit startled me. This was my first time seeing him in a trenchcoat and apparently, everyone was wearing their damn sunglasses today.

Robyn waved. ‘’Hi, Eric - I was just leaving, I’ll see you guys around. Thank you again.’’ She gave me a grateful glance before circling her hood and stepping inside her car, starting the engine and driving off.

Eric took a full stop beside me, lifting his hand in an undecided wave as he observed Robyn’s car disappear away. ‘’Geez, could she have gotten in her car any faster…. what the hell was that all about?’’ He seemed to be in a better mood, and he even had a smirk on his lips. 

‘’Oh, that - she just wanted to let me know I could come to pick up the guns we bought any day now. We’re going shooting tomorrow,’’ I basked in the pettiness, folding my arms, raising a brow. Shots fired, no pun intended. 

Eric’s smirk seemed to drain off of his face and suddenly, his complexion matched the snow.

I tilted my head. ‘’...it was a joke?’’

His eyebrows shot up and a pensive smirk grew back. ‘’Hysterical….you should become a comedian.’’ A weird moment followed, and we waited for each other to say something. Eric gave up eventually, walking around to get in the passenger’s seat. I slid in beside him.

I glanced at his outfit. ‘’You look… cool. Is it new?’’ He glanced back, taking a long second to answer.

‘’Thanks. Not exactly. I bought it a few weeks back,’’

I started the engine, smiling at him. ‘’It goes well with the outfit.’’ He wet his bottom lip, looking down at his lap. ‘’Yeah, it’s pretty warm too,’’

The parking lot was close to empty and an idea struck me. Ah, my time to shine. I backed up at normal speed, a devious grin stretching my lips. When I had the snow-packed area laid out in front of me, I revved the engine and the tires protested, struggling to get a grip. Sliding forward, I changed gear and the car roared forward. Picking up speed, I pulled the handbrake, coursing us into the perfect drift.

Eric’s hand rushed to the grab handle. ‘’Woah, what are you doing!’’

The bottled up laughter bubbled out of me and I kept a firm eye on where I was going, handling both speed, wheel and handbrake all at once. Snow sprayed against Eric’s window as we skidded horizontally across the ground in a big circle. ‘’Jesus Christ!’’ Eric’s chuckle outshined mine.

‘’Are you scared?!’’ I blurted out over the raging engine, adrenaline thickening my voice, a wide grin on my lips. I didn’t have to look at Eric to know his reaction. 

‘’Let’s just say I think I got your point!’’ This made me ease the pressure on the gas pedal, slowing the pace and stabilizing the car. My heart pumped in my chest and my palms were slippery against the leather. We glanced at each other, both grinning like idiots, except Eric was white as a ghost. The smell of burnt rubber filled the car.

Eric smirked, yanking his shades off. ‘’Well, that was fun, now your car smells like it’s gonna explode,’’

I shrugged. ‘’It’s just the clutch. It happens,’’ 

A moment of looking into each other’s eyes seemed like an eternity until he broke the silence. ‘’You’re unbelievable…’’ Admiringly, his eyes swept across my face, down at my lips.

I had to break eye contact and start driving again. ‘’Hey, check the glove box by the way… you left some stuff,’’ 

Reaching to open it, the leftovers from the night at Rampart Range fell out. Salsa seeds, beef jerky, and Slim Jims. ‘’Oh weee! The good stuff!’’ The bright tone of his voice made me chuckle, and I slowed down to let a group of people across the street.

For the next five minutes, I drove us to my house, and Eric chewed on beef jerky, neither of us uttering a word. Arriving outside, I parked in the driveway and we both got out at the same time. More silence ensued as we entered, hanging our jackets and dumping our backpacks on the stairs. Eric followed me to my room, and there we were, sitting on my bed; Eric picking at his hands and me chewing on my lip. The clock on my nightstand ticked louder than ever, the fridge hummed from the kitchen and I swore Eric could hear my heart too.

We sat close to each other, but not close enough for us to touch. 

‘’I’m sorry for yesterday…’’

Eric’s voice brought my attention to him. He was leaned halfway against the headboard on his side, propped up on one elbow. He’d taken off his hat, now casually thrown on one of my pillows.

I sighed. ‘’Yeah, that was weird,’’

His cheeks shifted in pink as he darted his eyes at me, shooting them another direction just as fast. 

‘’Alright… this won’t do.’’ I crawled over to sit right beside him, crossing my legs. ‘’I wanna ask you a million questions, are you up for it? Nevermind, you don’t have a choice.’’ 

He snorted. ‘’You’re starting to sound like a certain someone…’’

Ignoring him for a second, I closed my eyes to gather my thoughts. Opening them again, Eric’s eyes were tracking my every breath. ‘’Can I ask you… how you’re really feeling?’’ I had my voice down low.

‘’How I’m feeling? As for right now?’’ Pausing to sweep his gaze around, he shrugged. ‘’All good,’’

‘’That’s not what I meant…’’

His eyes pierced me as if he was trying to read my mind or to let me read his. I leaned forward. ‘’How do you feel,’’ Placing a light touch on his chest to emphasize, I continued. ‘’...in here…?’’ I retracted my hand to my lap, in case he didn’t feel comfortable.

‘’Why do you wanna know?’’ 

‘’Because sometimes… the heart is heavy,’’ I observed him, he observed me. I hoped so badly that he would open up to me. My heart was starting to flutter in my chest as he kept quiet. ‘’And I…’’ I pressed my lips together. ‘’I’m in love with you as much as you’re in love with me….does that answer your question?’’

He blinked as if something snapped inside his head.

‘’You really mean what you’re saying?’’ 

I demonstrated a fed-up face. ‘’Does it look like I’m kidding?’’ 

This made him chuckle, even though it didn’t reach his eyes. ‘’No…’’ He got serious again. I waited patiently. Maybe this had been the worst approach. Maybe I should’ve waited for him to come to me.

‘’It’s hard for me to just accept all this. I’ve been rejected for most of my life, I’ve moved around, changed schools, always been at the bottom of the chain. Over and over… shit, I don’t know if I’m making any sense,’’

I kept a firm straight face. ‘’It makes all the sense in the world to me.’’ I sought to form a deep sense of reliance for him to find in me. Because how could I, with words, explain to someone with evident trust issues, that he was enough and significant? He barely even believed my feelings for him were real.

I scooted closer but kept my hands to myself. He wanted to break free, I could see it. But he also wanted to stay inside his hard shell. It didn’t seem to want to lose its chokehold on him either.

‘’You make me feel better, and I-’’ He scratched his temple. ‘’I’m fucking scared, that’s all. I’m terrified I’ll lose you… or that you’ll change your mind about me.’’ He took a short pause, wetting his lips. ‘’You see… I’m struggling to understand- or accept- that you want to be with me. ‘Cause from what I’ve gathered so far, it seems like you do,’’ 

He glanced at me, shame eating at him. ‘’I always thought I’d be so sure once I had a girl but hell, I didn’t plan on feeling this insecure. You have a lot of guys staring at you wherever we go, and to be fair here, it makes me behave real weird. I guess I want to outdo them in a way… and it comes out wrong.’’

I soaked in every word, sinking deeper and deeper into his mind. Since day one, I was amazed over his way of expressing himself and I was so focused on what he was saying that I almost forgot it was about me. His inner feelings for me. I had to swallow to keep calm and not start smiling, or worse - crying.

‘’Shit, maybe that was too much,’’ He bolted up to a sitting position by the ledge, placing one foot off the bed, shaking his leg nervously.

Afraid he’d get up and leave, I yelled out, shooting forward. ‘’No!’’ Ashamed over my outburst, I bit my lip. ‘’No… none of it was too much. I’m just taking this all in…’’ His hazel eyes were serious but vulnerable, and he kept wetting his lips. I acted on impulse as I crawled to stand up from the bed, placing myself right in front of him.

‘’This will not be the last time I say this, but hear me out,’’ Taking a deep breath, I positioned my hands on his shoulders, smiling as he gazed up at me. ‘’You don’t have to outdo anyone, cause you’ve already done it. It’s already done,’’ He bowed his head but I lifted his chin back up. ‘’Get it?’’ 

He snorted and to my heart’s inner triumph, he started smirking too. ‘’I’ll take it into consideration.’’

I rolled my eyes, shaking my head. ‘’Eric-’’ Suddenly, he gripped his arms around my legs and I screeched as he threw us down on the bed. I landed on my back with him on top of me, chest pressed against mine.

Brushing his nose against mine, he chuckled. ‘’Hi…’’

‘’Oh, hey, what are you up to…’’

‘’Meh, nothing much - just laying here with the prettiest girl in the world. The usual stuff…’’

I would never admit it, but I was a real sucker for this side of him. My heart was swelling several sizes, and it didn’t stop when he kissed me. He kept tracing quick kisses on my cheek, down to my jaw, and down my neck until I couldn’t stop myself from laughing again. Reality flashed by in my head and I thought about the real reason we were here, killing off my smile. The guns. The webpages.

‘’What happened now?’’ A worried Eric stroked his thumb over my bottom lip. Julie’s words echoed in my head, _‘’you’re important to him, he’ll listen to you’’_. I had to talk to him about it eventually but now was not the time. It could wait, right?

I smiled again. ‘’Nothing,’’ 

‘’Do you promise?’’

Putting my hand on the back of his head, I pressed him down against my lips for a soft kiss. We parted again, and his smirk grew wider by the second. He stroked his finger on my cheek, brushing a strand of hair behind my ear. I was still feeling petty, and a devilish urge to tease him arose. ‘’Do you know what I wanna do?’’

‘’Stay like this the whole day?’’ His eyebrows did a quick wiggle.

I snorted, biting my lip. ‘’Well, yeah… but there’s something else also,’’

He looked away in the distance, squinting his eyes to display his thinking. ‘’Ah! - I know, you-’’ I put my palm over his mouth to silence him and his eyes grew big over the audacity. 

‘’Eric, take me to Rampart Range. De-dramatize this whole thing for me. The guns…’’ Taking my hand away, his mouth was wide open. 

‘’...are you serious?’’

‘’I’m serious.’’ 

He studied my features the same way he always did, in that admiring, wistful way. But most of all, he looked me in the eye to search for whatever lie he could find. ‘’You’re not…’’ A hesitant smirk stretched his lips, and a frown came with it.

I pushed him off, sitting up straight to gain a type of superiority. He landed on his side in a frozen position. ‘’Eric Harris, I want you to take me shooting, show me the damn things, make them seem… normal, or something.’’ I emphasized by stubbornly folding my arms. ‘’You and me. No one else.’’

The toothful smile on him almost offended me and I pursed my lips to not fall for it myself. ‘’Stop smiling like that!’’

He did a funny voice, pretending to be sad. ‘’Hey, what’s wrong with it?’’

I rolled my eyes, tilting my head. ‘’Only one time… and I don’t wanna hear about them ever again.’’ 

He became serious, nodding. ‘’Got it.’’ Then he lunged at me again, grabbing me in his arms to haul me down with him. I burst out laughing as he started tickling me, and the more I squirmed the harder he held me. I finally managed to release myself and I fled across my room with him on my heel, chasing me around. His goofy chuckle made my stomach hurt and we ended up panting together on the floor after the running.

‘’I love your laugh,’’ I said, a big grin on my face, making him smirk even wider. But despite all the fun, something seemed to wash over him and his face went numb.

‘’Shit, I forgot I was supposed to look after Sparky today.’’ He heaved himself off the floor, walking to grab his hat from the bed, putting it on backwards. I was already standing as he turned around, all adjusted and ready to leave. I kept quiet as he pulled me into his arms.

‘’Do you wanna go tomorrow?’’ 

A sting went through my stomach. Nodding, I smiled. ‘’Sure.’’

‘’I’ll be here early then. So I’d say be ready at nine,’’ I melted in his arms, in his eyes, and his smirk. ‘’Then we have the whole day ahead of us. If you don’t have anything else to do, that is,’’

I didn’t disappoint. ‘’Nothing planned. I want to say I’m looking forward to this but….’’ He chuckled as I wrinkled my nose.

‘’Well, I’m very much looking forward to spending a whole Saturday with you,’’

‘’Fair enough.’’ 

He leaned in to give me a quick but passionate kiss before letting go. I followed him downstairs, and together we put on our jackets and stepped outside. The drive back to school was silent, but comfortable this time. At one point, he reached out to grab my hand from my lap, lacing our fingers together. His eyes were sparkling again as we made eye contact and my stomach swirled with butterflies.

Stopping beside his car to let him out, he leaned down to have a last look at me. ‘’Tomorrow at nine.’’ 

‘’Tomorrow at nine,’’ I affirmed with a nod, biting my smiling lip. I waved one last time as he was unlocking his car, and then I drove back home.

Closing the door behind me, I leaned against it, sinking into space. I’d failed miserably to do what I was supposed to. But he had opened up nonetheless. Even if I wasn’t always very keen on his choices, I could understand now. How many times had I not internally burned when I saw him talking to other girls at school, whom I knew wasn’t more than a friend? How many times had I not self consciously let my mind get filled with doubt, on how I looked, how my clothes fit, how my hair looked. That wasn’t even me, but now it was. Behave weird. Yes, that was the word and he’d described it just right. Even so, I had to air it out. The lingering thoughts and dots that connected. I couldn’t lie; that side of him felt sinister. But how could it become real if I couldn’t see it with my own eyes? A text was a text; words. A teenager angry at the world wasn’t something to react on since I found it in myself as well. Sometimes.

I grunted and drifted back to my room.

**

Dylan’s car was already parked in the cul-de-sac as he arrived. Driving past him, he saw him glaring another way, squeezing out the last drops of seconds he could avoid Eric for. Eric scoffed before parking in his usual spot. He still smelled like her, and it made him want to turn right around and drive to her. He didn’t want this. Another possible meltdown with Dylan. Oh, how he wasn’t looking forward to it. 

With a harsh sigh, he stepped out and so did Dylan. Communicating with a single look, they walked together inside the house. Eric could sense the sulky aura around Dylan, provoking him all over again.

They ended up in the lower family room, both of them refusing to speak first. In class, they’d had to, but now? Fuck no. Eric wouldn’t budge. He was in the armchair, as per usual, and Dylan was plunged on the couch in the far corner, foot resting on his knee.

‘’So talk…’’ 

Eric darted his eyes Dylan’s way, pushing his jaw forward in a flash of annoyance.

Dylan glanced at him, folding his arms. ‘’You said we had to talk… get to it.’’ His hooded blue eyes spoke volumes, even though he didn’t dare to utter the real words in Eric’s presence. He knew what it’d do to his temper.

‘’You were the one going fucking nuts over the whole gun situation,’’

Dylan huffed, and that called for another stubborn wait out. Five minutes passed, and he couldn’t take it anymore.

‘’She’s getting to your head, man,’’ 

Eric had to close his eyes to calm himself. ‘’Leave her out of this.’’

‘’Leave her out?! What kind of idiot do you take me for? You fucking love her and it shows. If you’re gonna keep seeing her, it’s done, man. It’s done.’’

‘’Hey! You don’t make all the fucking calls here. And whatever you believe, it’s bullshit. Now stop talking about her!’’ His jaw was starting to hurt. 

‘’If you don’t love her, ditch her. It’s too risky,’’

This hit him like a bullet and his breathing quickened. Weak, fragile. She had such power over him now.

‘’See… you get all choked up about it too…fuck dude, I’m outta here,’’ Dylan huffed again, standing up from the couch. He was going to leave. His heart was bursting with pain. Why had Eric found a love before he had? It wasn’t fair. He wanted to just die so bad right now.

Eric darted up, marching after Dylan. When he was within arm’s reach, he shoved him hard in the back, causing him to stumble forward into the wall. He didn’t give two shits that Dylan towered over him as he turned around to face him. He’d never seen Dylan’s eyes this dark. It fueled him. ‘’You come here, act like a fucking shithead, talking crap and then you’re gonna leave like a little bitch? Then you can count me the fuck out!’’ 

A head taller, Dylan reached over Eric, clenching his fists. He startled himself with how enraged he was. Like a flame to a fuse, Eric set him on fire, making his whole world consist of only one thing; a burning hatred. ‘’Touch me again and…’’

Dylan didn’t scare him, but he sure managed to make Eric back down. Taking a step backward, Eric exploded. ‘’And what?! Get the fuck out!’’ He glared a hole into Dylan’s head, eyes bulging out of his skull.

Dylan gritted his teeth. ‘’Yeah, I was just leaving,’’ 

Dylan took three long stomps up the stairs and then he was out. The door slammed shut, engine starting not long after, tires skidding away down the street. Eric dashed inside his room, pacing back and forth until he stopped to charge his fist into the wall, scraping his knuckles. A sharp pain pulsated through his hand. He growled under his breath, turning around to thud down on the computer chair. Leaning forward, he bowed his head in his hands, breathing heavily. He wanted to crash his whole room. He wanted to destroy everything. For a second, the vision of him rushing out to his car, driving after Dylan and shooting him in the head flashed by. The urge twitched inside him, seducing him, intoxicating his right mind. But the pain in his knuckles brought him back.

He’d been so sure this morning, and she’d turned it all around. He thought she was going to tell him off, and she didn’t. She even asked him how he was feeling. _Sometimes the heart is heavy_. Had he spilled too much? This fucked with his head more than anything. He hated that Dylan was right. He refused to admit it.

NBK had him in a tight grip. They’d come so far. He’d come so far. The crawl space was filled with equipment. The black box under his bed. The knives. The guns. The bombs.

Thinking about everything now, it made him sick to his stomach. He cringed at the thought of bringing Helena to Rampart Range, the bizarre sight of her possibly holding the guns he’d kill with.

A tear escaped his cheek and crashed onto the floor in a perfect circle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again and again for all the kudos and comments!


	16. Ammunition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! It's a long one. Perfect for quarantine times, lol. I wish you all good health and safety. You rock!

_Be ready at nine._

I was already dressed and ready by eight. It allowed me some time to think. And think, and think. Observing my face in the mirror, I combed through my hair slower and slower the more I zoned out. I couldn’t help but feel bad for lying to my Dad. But what on earth was I supposed to say? _‘Hey Dad, me and Eric are going shooting, see ya,’_. No way.

I made a face at myself in the mirror before stepping out of the bathroom to walk back into my room. Sitting down on the bed I swept my gaze around, stopping at my computer. The pictures pinned to the bulletin board above gazed back at me. Me, Evan and Julie, me and my mom, dad, my brother… then the picture from Halloween. Eric was leaning in beside me with a big smirk, our hands almost touching. My expression said it all; happy yet internally freaking out. In a good way.

Standing up, I walked over to the window. We had another wonderful day ahead of us. The sun had found its way up behind the rooftops, casting an unreal glistening silhouette over the snow on the ground. Was it something I loved about Colorado, it was this. I could hint the mountains in the distance, and it made my stomach turn from all the preconceptions. What was it going to be like? Would he know how to handle them? 

I was for sure having second thoughts but I wasn’t going to bitch out. I wanted to prove a point and hopefully, he’d understand and never talk about guns again. I glanced at myself in the mirror leaning against the wall beside my closet door; dark blue Levi’s and a white t-shirt. It’d most likely be very cold up there, so I would have to put on my gray sweatshirt as well. 

The clock on my nightstand said 8:38. I was getting nervous. Too nervous. Pacing back and forth to the window a couple of times, chewing on my bottom lip, I decided to remind dad I’d be leaving soon. 

I snuck out of my room, tiptoeing down the hall, eventually stopping by his door to knock. _‘’Hey, Dad?’’_ I cleared my throat. It was all dried up. 

Getting no response, I peeked inside. ‘’Dad?!’’ The only one greeting me was Figaro, curled up by the foot of the bed.

‘’What’s that…’’ A weary face shot up from the pillow and had to press my lips together not to laugh at his bed head.

‘’Just reminding you I’m leaving in like fifteen minutes. Eric is picking me up…’’ 

He squinted wearily, frowning for a couple of seconds, trying to locate the memory inside his brain as to when and where I’d told him this. Soon, a mellow smile eased the creases around his eyes. ‘’Be careful you two…’’

A sting went through me again. ‘’I promise.’’ With a strained smile, I closed the door again. Letting go of my breath, I turned around to walk downstairs. I couldn’t even find an appetite this morning and I figured that wasn’t too weird. Another glance at the clock on the wall; 8:51. 

I sighed intentionally harshly, brushing a hand through my hair. Standing still, I started tapping my foot so I walked inside the living room instead. When I couldn’t get a strain on my nerves anymore, I distracted myself by walking to the foyer to pull on my jacket and lace my boots on. I didn’t know if I was even breathing at this point. 

The sound of tires approached and I knew right away. I was already sweating, hands shaking as I reached for the keys. Stepping foot outside, the first thing I saw, was Eric on his way to me. The heartstopping smirk stretched his lips as we made eye contact, and my heart fluttered. No trench coat today. Instead, he wore his usual Colorado Uni starter jacket and most importantly - his black BDU cargos.

‘’Good morning!’’ The steam coming from his mouth was thick and it was indeed freezing outside.

I stole another look with a growing smile before I turned around to lock the door. ‘’A cold one too…’’ Just as I turned the key, Eric embraced me from behind, causing me to close my eyes and grin even wider. Feeling his lips brush against my ear, I squirmed around to face him. 

His smirk reached his eyes as they darted admiringly over my every feature. ‘’Now this is a face I want to see every morning,’’

I shrugged. ‘’I guess we could fix that,’’

His eyebrows shut up. ‘’Aren’t you gonna think about that for a minute, as you always do?’’ He emphasized the word think, and I rolled my eyes. His soft chuckle raised my mood.

I opened my mouth to speak, but he leaned in to whisper in my ear. ‘’Guess what’s in the car…?’’ I wanted to blurt out ‘guns’ before I’d even had the chance to think, but I stayed quiet, glaring at him.

He leaned in again. ‘’Donuts.’’

I gasped. ‘’Really?!’’ 

‘’Uh-huh. Got the ones you like. Or so I hope…’’ He chuckled again, turning to walk us to the car. The engine hummed, white smoke boiling out from the exhaust pipe.

‘’Does your dad know you’ll be away for the day?’’ Walking beside him felt so natural, so relaxed that it made me forget what we were going to do.

I glanced at him. ‘’Of course,’’ 

‘’Cause if you want, you can stay at my place tonight… no parents.’’ His gaze turned alert and content, a tiny smirk still on his lips. I bit my lip as I felt warmth spread in my face, letting the hair hide my red cheeks as I looked down at my feet. Quickly turning my glance to him again, I grinned, nodding my head.

‘’Okay!’’ 

As Eric opened the car door for me, looking happier than ever, my eyes found the little box of donuts sitting on my seat. Demonstratively, I gasped again before leaning down and grabbing it, putting it in my lap as I sat down. _‘’All the good ones…’’_ I whispered to myself after he’d shut the door.

Eric took a seat beside me. ‘’Was it right? I kinda remember the ones you picked out at Safeway but I wasn’t sure,’’

I faced him. ‘’You nailed it!’’

‘’Yes!... so, how’s that for some breakfast, huh? Super healthy is the only way to go,’’ He chuckled at his sarcasm, looking out the window as he started driving, and I raised an eyebrow slightly. He was being unusually talkative this morning but I couldn’t say I didn’t like it. I pursed my lips, opening the lid to dig in.

‘’Ah, yes, super healthy,’’ I playfully agreed before shoving the first bite into my mouth.

The end of the twenty-minute drive to Rampart Range turned out to be the same graveled, tree-fenced way we’d taken a week back. Only today, the sun blazed down on us, making the road less dark and scary. It took me the whole way there and for us to park to come to the realization. I was still licking the sugar off my fingers when I suddenly lost the appetite completely. 

‘’Alright, we’re here,’’ Eric stepped out but I lingered. Pretending to be fixing my non-existent makeup in the mirror, I got the chance to take a breather before joining him outside. When I faced him as I shut the door, he’d put his sunglasses on. I decided I hated it at the moment since it didn’t let me see what his eyes told me.

Zipping up my jacket, I shoved my hands into my pockets, walking over to Eric who’d just opened the trunk. As I looked down I was taken entirely by surprise which was comical since I knew there’d be guns. We were here to fire his guns. Still, it shocked me to see them in person. 

He grabbed them like it was nothing, hanging one over the shoulder. One scarier looking than the other. ‘’Would you mind carrying the bag for me?’’ I leaned in to where he was pointing, recognizing his backpack. 

Not realizing how heavy it’d be, I stumbled as I grabbed it. ‘’Woah!’’ 

‘’Yeah, it’s all boxes of ammo. There’s a pair of earmuffs in there for you too,’’ 

I swung the backpack over my shoulder, pulling it on correctly so it’d feel more balanced on my back. I was sweating again, and the guns practically being straight under my nose didn’t help. ‘’What do you mean for me? Where’s your pair?’’ 

‘’Meh, I don’t care too much about it. I’m more worried about your ears,’’

I stood straight, melting all the impressions and information. Eric reached for my hand after he’d closed the trunk with a rough slam.

‘’Are you okay?’’ 

Realizing my mouth was hanging open, I shook myself awake, smiling. ‘’Yeah yeah, I’m fine. Thanks for the breakfast by the way,’’ We turned around together, aiming for a trail; Eric still holding my hand in his right and the shotgun in his left. He had the rifle hanging off the opposite shoulder, as far away from me as possible. 

‘’You don’t have to thank me for it,’’ 

Looking down at my feet, I glanced at him. ‘’Yes, I do. It’s polite. I like polite,’’ Giving him a last cheeky grin, I swept my eyes around, hearing his short chuckle beside me. The nature was mythical up here and the snow helped with the winter-wonderland-feel to it. It was astonishingly quiet, apart from the birds singing, drifting back and forth between trees.

‘’What do you wanna do later? We could go somewhere for dinner.’’

I tightened the grip of his hand. ‘’Or we can buy pizza? Eat at your place, watch a movie,’’ 

He seemed surprised but his smile told me it certainly wasn’t in a bad way. ‘’Sure,’’

After a minute of silence, still walking down the trail leading us to an, for me, unknown destination, I cleared my throat. ‘’Hey, do you know anything about Dylan and Julie?’’ 

He darted his eyes to me as I mentioned Dylan, smile fading, frown growing. 

‘’What…? Do you?’’ I got invested, walking sideways to have a good overview of his body language. 

He shrugged, trying to play off his reaction. ‘’Dylan and I aren’t really talking right now, and I don’t think we will for a while,’’

‘’Oh… ‘’ I turned my face away, thinking. ‘’What happened?’’

Eric wet his lips. ‘’We don’t always agree on things. He’s been pissing me off lately,’’ Shrugging again, he avoided looking me in the eye. ‘’However… I do know he’s got a thing for Julie.’’ 

‘’Damn, you just threw him under the bus…’’

‘’Pssh - he has to start taking some action. You should tell Julie,’’ 

I had to exhale a laugh at his boldness. Was this how guys did it? Just blurting all the secrets out there?

‘’I admire your honesty, I have to say…’’ I smiled at him, and he forced a smile back. 

‘’As I said - action, take the bull by the horns type of stuff,’’ He wasn’t wrong. ‘’Why do you ask? Has she mentioned anything?’’

I bit my lip. Was I going to tell on Robyn? ‘’Actually… yeah. She told me they’re talking on AOL.’’ It was the truth, but it wasn’t why I’d asked.

He turned his whole face to me now. ‘’...shit, he didn’t even tell me,’’

‘’The way you just told on him - I wouldn’t tell you either,’’ I gave him a light-hearted nudge with my shoulder, and his eyebrows shot up to his forehead. I tried my best not to laugh only to fail.

‘’I’m telling you, he can be a real shithead sometimes. Personally, I think he deserves it,’’

After walking for about ten minutes, we reached an open space in the middle of nowhere. The ground was completely snow-covered, and we approached a group of boulders, a few larger than the others. The spot was obvious from a shooting range point of view and right ahead of the boulders, at the end of the sloping terrain, trees scattered perfectly for target practice. I squinted at one tree as we stopped, almost not believing what I saw. ‘’Is that…an actual bowling pin? Did you put that there?’’

Eric chuckled as he let go of my hand. ‘’Yep, they’re good for targets. They don’t move around too much,’’ 

I glanced back at him, wrinkling my nose, arms crossed over my chest. ‘’I guess that’s funny,’’ 

Ignoring what I said with a stern face, he seemed to completely switch mood to a more serious one, turning around to put the shotgun down on one snow-free patch by a pine tree. Only guessing, I imagined he was making preparations with the one gun he’d carried on his shoulder, as he was now holding it steadily in his hands. I snuck closer like a scared kitten to look over his shoulder. ‘’You can put the bag down right there,’’ He pointed to where the shotgun was and I walked over there to release my shoulders from the pressing weight. 

‘’Now if you want, you can take out one of the boxes from there. It should say nine-millimeter on them,’’ I did what he said, kneeling to open the backpack, revealing several boxes of different bullets. This made me swallow and my throat felt like a desert. With an unsteady hand, I reached for a box. ‘’This one?’’

‘’Yep, that’s the one,’’ A sharp metallic sound coming from the gun made me wince and I realized he did look very sure of what he was doing. He handled it smoothly, almost as on routine. I observed his every move as he walked over to kneel beside me. 

‘’Just to be sure here - if this makes you feel uncomfortable in any way you have to tell me and we leave, alright?’’ He wet his lips, placing a hand on my knee. ‘’I don’t want you to feel scared,’’

I raised to my feet, putting my hands to my waist. ‘’Well, I’m here now so it’s a little too late to back out right?’’ He looked up at me from behind his shades.

‘’I’m serious.’’

Sighing, I let my arms fall to my sides. ‘’I promise.’’ 

It took a minute for his smirk to grow, but it did. ‘’Good. You should put the earmuffs on. This one’s loud,’’ He searched for something in the backpack, eventually pulling out the ear protection that I gladly slid on over my ears. The world fell even more silent, and I could hear my breathing loud and clear as if I was trapped inside a plastic box. 

I watched him load the gun with bullets. I watched him stand up and take his glasses off. I watched him take a few steps down the slope, crouching down, adjusting the rifle with a good aim. In one quick move, he glanced at me over his shoulder and winked, looked back and fired. 

A static shiver went through me with every bullet. At first, my eyes fluttered shut every time a shot went off but I could feel the wincing fade the more I got used to the noise. Unbelievable. Why was I getting used to the sound of gunshots? For a second, I kicked myself for even being here in the first place. But then I puffed out my chest as Eric stood back up after he’d finished the first round. 

‘’How are your ears?’’ The sun was reflecting in the snow, and I had to squint my eyes at him. He chuckled, narrowing his eyes too.

‘’So far so good,’’ 

I eyed the rifle in his hand, and it stared right back at me. ‘’And the shoulder?’’

‘’Not too bad. The kickback is alright on this one, but the shotgun is…’’ He shook his head. ‘’Real bad.’’ Another chuckle left his throat. I pursed my lips slightly, mentally debating whether I should be laughing too or not.

‘’This one looked bad enough to me,’’ 

And then; his lips spoke the million-dollar question. The inevitable. ‘’Do you wanna try?’’ I could feel the blood drain out of my skull and judging by his smirk, Eric noticed.

‘’Umm…’’ I tried acting like it was nothing. ‘’Uh-’’

‘’I understand if you don’t want to. I just figured I’d ask at least,’’

‘’Okay! Okay…’’ Eric turned into a living question mark as I blurted out. ‘’Okay… give me the damn thing.’’ My heart throbbed against my ribs.

‘’You don’t have t-’’ I stepped down in front of Eric, putting my palm against his lips once again like the day before. 

‘’I said I wanted to go here, so I’m getting the full experience.’’ Letting my hand fall from his mouth, I uncovered his parted lips. Suddenly, he leaned in to crash his lips against mine. The kiss was short but passionate, catching me completely off guard. His arm snuck around my waist, pulling me to him. The scent of his breaths against my lips as we parted sent me off to other dimensions.

‘’Sorry,’’ He whispered. ‘’Sometimes I just…’’ He breathed a light moan before wetting his lips.

I blinked one time, aware that my mouth had fallen open.

He pulled away so he could reload and I started breathing heavier as reality slapped me in the face. What the heck was I doing? I was going to fire a gun. Eric came back standing close to me, holding the gun towards me.

‘’Alright, she’s all yours.’’ I stood gawking like a terrified deer as I grabbed it from him but he kept a straight face. ‘’Let’s walk down a bit…’’

I followed him on wobbly legs down the slope where he’d previously been standing, and he guided me to the same spot. ‘’Now, you don’t have to crouch down the way I did, but you have to find a good stance.’’ The tone of his voice had turned to a very instructive one. Circling to stand behind me, his arms reached around me as he helped to adjust the gun in my limp arms, merging us to one. ‘’Feel the weight of it…’’ I raised the gun in front of me with his assistance, staring down the barrel. "Does it feel alright against your shoulder?" 

Making a few readjustments, I nodded. I didn’t know if it was his voice being so close to my ear that made my heart beat faster, or if it was the fact that I was about to fire my first gun ever but I decided to settle for both alternatives.

‘'Do you find anything to aim for?’’ His voice sent shivers down my spine and I had to blink hard to times to focus on the real thing. I was holding a gun; a big ass gun. 

My focused gaze found a tree. ‘’Branch right ahead. The thick one above the rock.’’ I lowered my voice to the point where I was almost whispering now and I could hear my heartbeat go haywire. 

‘’Good - keep that aim, hold it steady. You got it.’’

Standing inhumanly still, Eric’s helping arms let go of me and with it, the warmth of his body pressed against mine. This was it. My finger tapped against the trigger a few times and then, I stopped breathing. I had my gaze fixed on the branch, squinting the opposite eye before I squeezed my finger back. 

It all happened in a flash; the recoil slammed against me, causing me to take a step back and the echoing blast from the gunshot was the last thing on my mind. A little disorientated and with my heart in my throat, I glared ahead, unaware of Eric standing aside, smirking.

"How did it feel?"

I snapped my eyes between him and the branch. I started smiling uncontrollably; maybe due to the shock, maybe because I'd finally gotten it over with. "I did it…" My reacting emotions were all over the place.

He chuckled. "Sure did. You even hit the tree," 

My chin dropped. "I did?! Did you see it?"

"Yep, right up there," He moved closer to me, pointing high at the tree, far from my actual target.

I snorted. "Oh…" We both chuckled at my obvious misaim, then he kissed me on the cheek.

"Go again!" 

My eyes lingered on him for a while. He had his sunglasses back on, now standing with his arms folded, gazing out over the trees. He looked back at me again. ‘’Or you don’t have to, I can take it from here,’’ 

I shook my head. ‘’I have to at least try and hit the branch,’’ 

He smiled, and I smiled back before pulling the rifle close, leaning in to have a good view along the barrel. Pulling the trigger again, I was equally shocked over the recoil and the snatching noise. No hit. 

I lowered the gun a bit, feeling overwhelmed. ‘’Okay… I think that’s it. I’m a shit shot,’’ Handing the gun over to Eric, I took a deep breath. It hadn’t been as bad as I thought it would be, but I didn’t want to do it again, that much I knew.

He chuckled. ‘’I think it’s cool you hit the tree for your first time,’’ 

‘’Yeah, all the way up there, pfft,’’ 

‘’Still a hit.’’

Eric went to change guns. Leaning the rifle against the tree, he picked up the shotgun, kneeling to search through his backpack again. ‘’You wanna try this one too?’’ 

I took a step back. ‘’No way. Nope. No thanks.’’ I didn’t know much about guns, but I knew this one was terrifying. Julie had told me about her one time firing her dad’s shotgun and that was enough for me.

‘’Alright,’’ As he finished loading, he got back on his feet, walking over to me first. ‘’This one’s a bit scarier so I’ll walk further down,’’

Folding my arms, I nodded reflectively, biting my lip. He left me there, shotgun raised in one hand, striding confidently down the slope again. As I watched him take a stance, holding the gun firmly, I took another step back, shooting my hands to my ears to make sure the earmuffs were on correctly.

The first loud bang went off, icing my veins. He cocked the gun and another bang. His whole upper body jerked back from the power and then, one last bang, making him cheer gleefully. He turned around to walk back. ‘’This one is insane,’’ He yelled out before reaching where I stood. 

‘’Insanely scary,’’ I added, unfolding my arms to shove them inside my pockets. He glanced at me, smirking before his face turned serious.

‘’Are you cold?’’

‘’No, I’m alright,’’

He stepped closer to lay another kiss on my cheek. ‘’You look adorable with those on,’’ Realizing I was still wearing the ear protection, I quickly reached to pull them off, blushing ascending.

‘’We can head back if you want. Time’s uh-,’’ He glanced down at his watch. ‘’eleven fifteen already. People are gonna start walking the trails up here soon anyway so they’ll get pissed if they hear gunshots,’’

I made a face like I was amused. ‘’I’m guessing it happened before…?’’

‘’No shit. This one dude threatened to call the cops on us,’’ Eric’s eyebrows were raised alarmingly high like they usually were when he was irritated. He was starting to pack up, and I stepped in to help him.

Making some calculations inside my head, I frowned. ‘’And you still come back here?’’

He seemed entertained by my bafflement. ‘’Just gotta be more careful. We did use a slightly different location so this isn’t the same one. We’re safe.’’ He finished the sentence with a cheeky smile.

‘’Oh…’’ 

With the gun propped over his shoulder again, the shotgun in his hand, I caught him checking me out with a short glance. Something was brewing inside us both, but we impeccably denied it. My thoughts were racing, and I concluded I was very relieved we were leaving so soon. If I was not completely off the board, Eric didn’t seem too interested in the guns either. He amplified that thought by grabbing my hand in his again as we retreated to the trail.

Holding his head high, we glanced at each other back and forth, his lips always hinting a content smile.

‘’So… I’m not gonna say I entirely enjoyed this, but…’’ I paused to wet my lips, ‘’You made it alright. It was nice.’’ I emphasized by nodding my head.

He smirked, showing teeth. ‘’I never expected you to be jumping with joy, don’t worry.’’ 

Birds chirping made the stroll back peaceful; a good contrast to the last two hours of blasting our ears off. From time to time, our shoulders rubbed together, sending suspenseful electricity between us. Ten minutes seemed shorter this time, and we were back by the car a lot faster. After throwing the backpack and the guns in the trunk, we plunged inside, both our cheeks red from the cold.

Starting the engine, reversing us, he put his hand on my thigh. ‘’It’s cool you came here with me.’’ We glanced at each other. ‘’Willingly or not…’’ He added, chuckling. 

I adjusted in my seat, pretending to be offended. ‘’Are you making fun of me, Harris…? You better not.’’

‘’Oh, what are you gonna do - make me blush to death?’’ We both froze, Eric especially, rendering the fact that he’d just admitted I made him blush. I decided to smooth it over.

‘’Nope. I’ll punch you. I got some good strength in this arm of mine, I’m telling ya,’’ I did a bicep pose, poking at my upper arm.

A heartfelt chuckle soothed his embarrassed face. ‘’I bet so,’’

We sat in comfortable silence on the way back to town, listening to songs on the radio. Eric preached his detest for most of the tracks and couldn’t have changed the station any faster when MMMBop by Hanson got on. I couldn’t stop cackling, and he just shook his head sighing, trying hard not to laugh as well.

We decided to stop at Safeway to buy some snacks for the night, and halfway across the parking lot, I spotted a familiar black BMW.

I double-checked the bumper, slowing down. ‘’Hey, isn’t that Dylan’s car over there?’’ Eric looked over his shoulder quickly, stopping to do a double-take like he was stunned, and also, not very happy. 

‘’...yeah, it is,’’ He continued walking, hand in his right pocket. I glared after him, then back at the car before I jogged over to him to keep up.

I figured I was going to be quiet about it, maybe let him mention it himself, but he never did. We walked aisle after aisle in silence, until I had to say something.

‘’Maybe he’s here with Julie but we didn’t see them yet,’’ As this was a strip mall, they could’ve been at a store next door, or better yet, at a restaurant. I laced my hands together behind my back, pressing my lips together to hide my excitement over the possibility. 

‘’Yeah, then I hope they’re having fun,’’ Looking down at me from the candy shelves, his eyes didn’t match my level of ecstasy the slightest. It killed my mood and I folded my arms. 

‘’Alright, what’s going on here…’’

Yanking a bag of salsa seeds with him, he started walking again. ‘’I told you, he’s been pissing me off,’’ I had to take large steps to not fall behind.

‘’Can we talk about it?’’ 

He slowed down, hunching his shoulders before stopping abruptly, turning to face me. I almost plowed into him. ‘’Woah!’’ I brushed the strands of hair that had fallen in my face. Feeling extra small standing so close, I peered up at him.

He sighed, wetting his lips. ‘’I’ll tell you later, let’s just get back to my place and eat first, alright?’’

‘’Oh, I should’ve known… you’re hungry,’’ 

He bowed his head down to hide a deflated smirk. ‘’I think you know me better than I realize,’’ 

Smiling smugly, I took his hand and we walked towards the checkout. We made sure we had everything, paid and left. Before heading to his house, we stopped at Blackjacks to order pizza. Dylan wasn’t there like I’d guessed he wouldn’t be, but instead, we made small talk with his boss Mr. Kirgis and other employees he knew while waiting for our food.

Scorching hot pizzas in my lap, snacks in the backseat, we drove to South Reed Street. 

**

Chewing on pizza crust, I gazed around the room. The lower level family room, next to his. I hadn’t had the time to check it out last time I was here and that had been a while ago. There were a bunch of movies laid out in front of the TV and on top of the tv bench. Smiling while reading some of the titles, I continued sweeping my eyes across the walls. Pictures, bookshelves, lamps. It looked like the usual family room, except for one thing; Eric’s curious face, observing me, smirking.

‘’Find anything interesting?’’

Tilting my head forward to hide behind my hair, I snorted, feeling my cheeks go red. ‘’I saw you have Ace Ventura,’’ I glanced at the floor by the TV and so did Eric, leaning forward in the armchair with a slight frown before his face beamed.

‘’Yeah, one of my favorite movies!’’ 

‘’Those are my favorite movies!’’ I supplemented, grinning widely, and we shared a moment of sparkling relation.

’’Well geez, that’s what we’re watching then!’’ Not hesitating to jump to his feet, he walked to put the tape inside the VHS player, glancing back at me as it reversed. There it was again. That look. Just as much as I didn’t know what it meant, I did. He knows I did too.

Scooting back to curl up on the couch, I pulled the sweatshirt over my head so I wouldn’t sweat my ass off before the movie had even started. This, Eric noticed, and his glancing eyes happened to fall to my chest before he ripped his eyes away. I had to bite my lip not to snort.

‘’Alright…’’ He sighed, standing up straight, fidgeting with the remote. The screen flickered, movie starting. He faced me, light from the lamp on the wall casting a soft light over his sharp features. ‘’Is it alright if I sit next to you?’’

I raised my eyebrows. ‘’That’s really your question? Come here!’’

He smirked wide, putting down the remote on the table before thudding down close to me, his scent making me dizzy.

‘’Is it the first one?’’

‘’Pet Detective from ‘94, yep.’’ Looking at the screen and then back at me, he raised his brows, confused over my grin. ‘’What?!’’

‘’You’re invested, I like that,’’ 

Eric’s face turned blank and he stared into space for a second. ‘’The snacks!’’ He darted away, shooting up the stairs. I sat there listening to glass bowl clinging, packages being opened, before he came strutting proudly down the stairs again, placing all the goodies on the table. 

‘’What’s the candy like in Sweden?’’ Sitting down again, he had his eyes eagerly glued on me.

‘’You’d love it. There are these candy stores with million different flavors, shapes, sizes… hmm, I miss it. I should tell my mom to bring some for Christmas so you can try!’’ 

‘’That’d be real cool. Are there any slim jims?’’

I snorted, wrinkling my nose. ‘’You know what… we do have some, but they aren’t called slim jims. Direct translation would be ‘’beer sausage’’,’’ 

He chuckled. ‘’Oh man, that sounds even better!’’

For the next eighty minutes, we laughed and laughed. The part where Ace talked out of his butt took Eric’s chuckle to a new level I’d never heard it before and I couldn’t help but be amazed over how much I loved it. Eric placed his arm around my shoulder at one point, and it remained there, setting fire to tension.

I couldn’t fight my head anymore. The movie did not have my full-fleshed attention anymore; he did. Yet I struggled. The shy side of me laughed me in the face, telling me I wouldn’t dare. The other one, the poised one, cheered me on. 

Unexpectedly, I felt Eric’s lips press against my cheek. My skin practically vibrated all over my body as our eyes connected, and Eric raised his hand to push a strand of hair behind my ear. ‘’You’re insanely beautiful when you laugh, I bet you knew that though,’’ His fingers traced down to my jaw, and I trembled.

I had to choke back laughter because of the coincidence. Here I’d been, stealing glances of him about a million times for the last hour, spiraling deeper in love with him with every chuckle and he’s the one to mention my laugh. Mine. Continuing to solely stare into his eyes, I was starting to get nervous, shy. We’d sunk to our backs on the couch during the movie, his arm still around me.

Eric was the one to break eye contact, glancing at the closing credits. ‘’Do you wanna go to bed or do you wanna watch the other one too?’’ 

Leaning my head against his shoulder, I did feel tired but I didn’t want to admit it. ‘’We could listen to some music,’’ I smiled as I peered up at him. Not too surprisingly, he was smirking too.

We moved to his room, bringing all the snacks with us, Eric on his computer chair and I curled up on his bed. First, we blasted Rammstein, KMFDM, Gravity Kills, and The Prodigy. I thrived in seeing Eric so comfortable with me that he even sang the lyrics to some of the songs. We told jokes and stories, and Eric did funny voices, cracking me up.

‘’This one is my favorite... by far,’’ Eric brought up the volume even louder to a song I didn’t recognize. ‘’Wilder Wein,’’ 

‘’Oh, yeah, I’ve seen you wear that shirt that says that on it,’’ I listened in to the melancholy melody, and after a while, Till started singing. The feeling of nostalgia hit me, homesickness, and with it came the goosebumps. ‘’Wow… you really feel it in here,‘’ I put my hand to my chest., glancing at Eric.

He pursed his lips in a smirk, bowing his head before peering at me, scratching his temple. ‘’Shit… I thought that was just me,’’ Spacing out, he snorted.

‘’I get the same feeling as when I’m looking at the stars. That unexplainable, overwhelming feeling… almost like someone is tugging at the heartstrings. But it’s not sadness or pity, it’s just… an internal force,’’ Looking back at Eric, I noticed he was in awe.

‘’You’re awesome for being so aware of things, I’m usually the same. I really try to make something out of the music I listen to, the movies I watch, people I talk to, and so on. Some people listen to a song and go; uhh hell yeah neat song, and in reality, they’re singing about banging chicks and taking drugs, like yeah… that’s super cool, pssh,’ He rolled his eyes, shaking his head to show his annoyance. I recognized it from earlier in the car.

‘’See… this is one of the reasons you stand out to me. You’re not braindead like ninety-eight percent of the world…’’

He chuckled, doing a quick thumbs up. ‘’Hey, thanks!’’ His smile was genuine, lingering for a while as we studied each other.

Struggling to choke a yawn, I failed. Eric glanced at his watch. ‘’We should probably sleep, it’s one a.m.,’’ 

I bulged my eyes, still blinking away tears from the yawn. ‘’Oh… that was fast.’’ 

Pregnant silence followed. 

‘’Do you need something? Toothbrush, er a shirt…?’’ I mentally banged my head against the wall for not thinking of bringing stuff with me. 

‘’Umm… if it’s okay I can borrow a shirt,’’ 

Eric darted up from the chair like he was already set and ready, happy that I’d said yes. Walking to his closet, he pulled out a t-shirt, handing it to me as I was now standing beside him. 

‘’Here you go, hope it fits,’’ He teased, smiling with his eyes. ‘’I’ll give you a toothbrush too, my mom always keeps extras just in case, hold on a minute - I’ll be right back,’’

Disappearing out of the room, leaving me there with the t-shirt hanging over my arm, I could finally let myself freak out a little. I smiled big enough for my cheeks to hurt, and as soon as Eric came back into the room, I acted like nothing. 

T-shirt ready, toothbrush in hand, I was on my way to go inside the bathroom when Eric told me I could take the bed and he could sleep on the couch in the family room. Confused and opposed, I knew I had to say it before it was too late.

‘’Eric…’’ He froze in his movement, glancing back at me from arranging the bed. 

‘’I… I kinda want you to keep me company in here.’’ Chewing on my lip, my heart pounded hard against my ribs. 

Standing straight, he turned his body to me, trying to find words. ‘’Uh- sure… alright,’’ He seemed to be projecting his next move and I took the opportunity to vanish, closing the bathroom door behind me. Placing the t-shirt by the sink along with the unpackaged brand new toothbrush, I glared at myself in the mirror. My hair was a mess. I frantically brushed through it with my fingers, leaning in closer to check my face. I was in his bathroom and I was also panicking. Wildly. 

‘’Okay… okay… okay…’’ Unbuttoning my jeans, I slid them off, silently, listening in for sounds outside. Was he undressing too? The thought flushed my cheeks.

Pants off. Shirt off. Socks off. I couldn’t take another glance in the mirror, seeing myself in underwear, afraid I’d wuss out. Quickly, I broke the package, wiped on some toothpaste and started brushing my teeth to keep my thoughts at bay. 

When I finally opened that door again, stepping out, I wasn’t thinking anymore.

Eric’s snapped his attention to me, sitting by the edge of the bed fully clothed, immediately stopping anything he was doing to gawk at me. His eyes wandered, cheeks getting bright red. Clearing his throat, his lips parted. ‘’The shirt- t-shirt… it didn’t fit…?’’

Momentarily ignoring what he said, I took one slow step after the other, padding towards him and our eyes connected, leaving him stunned. His Adams apple gulped repeatedly until I reached him.

Clenching my jaw to gather confidence, I felt his touch on my hips, sending tender shivers over my skin. Urging him backward on the bed, he crawled to his headboard, gulping again as I straddled him. His hands reached around my waist and up my back so he could push me down to his impatient lips. With the kiss came the blast; the pulsating sensation shooting down to my womb, punching the air out of my lungs. Cupping his cheeks, my hands wandered to the back of his neck, stroking up his hair, clenching what I could grab in my fists. For the first time, his hands traced down to my derriere, lightly kneading, feeling, experiencing. Sitting straight to pull his shirt off, he broke our link, eyes black as night with lust. Sensually drifting my eyes over his bare chest, I leaned in to finally put a tender touch over his skin, stroking my fingers, feeling his warmth against my palms. My eyes reached his again and they were mixed with fear and desire before he dashed us together in another kiss. His arms reaching around me, squeezing me tight against him, skin to skin, two hearts pounding as one. Grinding against him, his hardness sent pulses up my womb again and he moaned into my mouth before brushing his lips over my cheek, back to my ear, carefully biting into my lobe. His soft panting caused me to whimper, making him tighten his arms around me even more. 

Lightly pushing away, I brushed down both my straps, reaching my hand to my back to release the bra, freeing myself to him. His lips were parted, swollen, eyes searching for consent. I smiled, and his vague smirk was full of raw instinct, and he wet his lips before placing trailing wet kisses down my neck, down to my cheekbones. He didn’t stop, continuing further, hands stroking along my waist, stopping right under the bust. Eager and almost internally exploding, I grabbed his hands to place right over them, showing him how much I wanted to.

His eyes sparked, and suddenly, he put his arm around my waist to lean us over, placing me on my back. He hovered over me, leaning in to trail more kisses over my chest.

I closed my eyes for a couple of seconds, whimpering, sensing the heartbeat between my thighs intensify rapidly. Lifting my head to watch him, it jerked right back when his tongue swirled over nipple, hands stroking lower and lower.

When his hands reached the outside of my thighs, I heaved up on my right elbow, burying my eyes in his. 

His whisper brushed softly against my skin. _‘’Did I do something wrong?’’_

Taking his hand in mine, I lead him to my core, shuddering at the slightest touch. Wetting his lips, his eyes shot between me and his hand, 

‘’Feel me. Feel what you make me feel.’’ Clenching his jaw, his pupils dilated at the sound of my voice speaking those words. Soon, his finger traced up and down, mouth falling open wider with every touch. 

Glancing down at his pants, I exhaled, feeling the blood rush to my cheeks. Without further thinking, I palmed him, putting pressure on his bulge, and his head fell forward from the pleasure, a muffled groan escaping his throat. He placed all his fingers on my spot, rubbing the best way he knew, seeking ensuring eye contact, clenching his jaw and biting into his bottom lip as he heard my whimpers grow into soft moans. 

One by one, I started unbuttoning his cargos, fumbling until he helped with the last, almost ripping the button off. I could feel him better now, through the thin fabric of his jockey shorts and his body convulsed forward at the feeling of my touch. All shyness pushed to the deepest corner of my brain, I reached inside, almost breaking skin as I bit hard into my lip, gripping around him. 

His eyes were beaming down at me, memorizing every sensation, every scent, every sight. _‘’Are you okay…?’’_ He leaned down close, brushing his lips over mine. I nodded vaguely, too faded to speak.

His hand sent convulsion up my womb with every rub, eventually tugging at my panty line to slide them off with my assist. He exhaled a soft chuckle, stroking his hand agonizingly slow on the inside of my thigh, setting me on fire. Reaching my wetness, he exhaled a moan, barely believing what was happening. _‘’Tell me if I’m doing anything wrong…’’_

In one movement, he slid a finger inside me. My eyes rolled to the back of my skull as I bent my head back, pressing my lips together to suppress my pleasure. I gripped onto him harder, moving my hand back and forth cautiously, raising my head back up to watch his reactions. His hand cupped mine over his length, slowing me down. _‘’I won’t last if you keep going like that…’’_ He breathed into my mouth, diligently massaging his finger in and out of me, pushing me closer to the edge. This wasn’t anything like touching myself; never had I ever experienced a similar arousal in my life. I didn’t even know what to do, where to let all this rush building up, go. 

His lips shivered, moans getting deep and just as I were to merge us in a kiss, he sat back, looking me over, his free hand caressing me anywhere it could reach. Releasing my hand from him, we buried our eyes in each other, and I joined him sitting up. Wetting my lips, I panted, _‘’Condom?’’_

He looked struck, darting his eyes to the nightstand before he leaned over to open the drawer, hauling one out with a fumbling hand.

Seeing the package reflect in the dull light, I lost all my courage. Suddenly, the feeling of being overwhelmed crashed over my like a bucket of water and I noticed Eric changing his body language, grabbing ahold of my arms to pull me to him. ‘’Helena… is something wrong?’’

Suddenly, I felt naked. Too naked. ‘’I’m sorry…’’ My voice cracked. ‘’I- I’m just a little overwhelmed I think…’’

Without a word, he pulled me into a firm hug, kissing my hair. I was so confused and overcome by emotion, I could feel my nose burn from incoming tears. I hugged him back with all my strength, burying my face in his chest. 

‘’Please let me know if I did something wrong, or if I hurt you…’’ 

‘’No!... no, you really didn’t.’’ Wiping away a tear that had managed to escape, he let me go to have a look at me.

Angst pierced his face. ‘’Are you crying?! Jesus Christ!’’

Locking his jaw in my hands, I stared into his eyes to snatch him back. ‘’Eric! I have never been this horny in my whole goddamn life. Do you hear me? I’m not crying because I’m hurt or sad… I’m crying because… you make me feel so much.’’ I chuckled to lighten up the mood, but Eric’s face remained stiff.

‘’But you’re crying nonetheless, you’re scaring the shit outta me,’’ I could understand his point of view.

‘’I got scared, okay…? I'm sorry...’’

‘’Did I do too much?’’

‘’No…’’

‘’Did it feel wrong?’’

‘’No!’’

I let my hands fall from his face and he looked away. Fixing his pants, he crawled to the edge, standing to his feet to walk inside the bathroom, stepping back out just as fast, t-shirt in hand.

‘’Here…’’ He unfolded it for me, handing it over so I could pull it on. There. Better already. Now drowning in his t-shirt, I glanced down at my chest, reading the words.

‘’Wilder Wein…’’ Peering at him, he beamed at me and I closed my eyes, smiling too.

A couple of minutes later, we were cuddled up under the covers, peeking at each other from time to time. He was just in his underwear now, and memories of touching his chest flashed by. Extending my hand, I placed my hand over his heart. He smirked, wetting his lips. ‘’You’re not bothered by it…’’

I frowned. ‘’By what?’’

‘’My chest.’’

As I was deeply confused, I wrinkled my nose. ‘’I’m not sure I follow…’’

His smile reached his eyes but died just as fast as he got serious. ‘’Turn around,’’ Responding with a grin, I squirmed around, smiling even wider when his arms reached around me to jerk me to him. His warmth radiated onto me within seconds, and placing sweet pecks behind my ear, he made me shiver. He inhaled the scent of my hair, squeezing me to him firmer. ‘’I can’t believe I’ve been missing out on you,’’

I pressed my eyes shut, secretly smiling with all my cheeks could manage. 

A few thoughts managed to drag themselves through my drowsy head before I lost the fight against slumber; I should have talked to him tonight. I should have. The guns were over with, but the webpages. I still had to air it out with him. And what was going on with Dylan? Even Julie had told me he wasn’t as chatty as he’d been. Now Eric and him being pissed at each other - what was going on here?

And the second thing;

It'd been a long, emotional, exhausting day and my mind was drained, but; I could feel something. Coming from the heart, I knew it.

I loved him.


	17. Heart-To-Heart

_December 9, 1998._

Reading the same sentence for the sixth time, I sighed, darting my eyes back and forth the hallway. 

Free hour. Julie sat next to me on the floor, nosedived into The Great Gatsby and seeing her that invested made me realize how little I cared about my book right now. Everything seemed prettier, enhanced, colorful. Even the blue lockers had a more vibrant color. 

‘’Hey, were the lockers always like that…? The color used to be uglier,’’ 

Slowly tearing her eyes off the pages, she made a face, side-eyeing me and the lockers. ‘’Are you on drugs?’’

Embarrassed, I glanced down at my book again, clearing my throat. Julie closed hers with a smack. ‘’Is there something I should know?’’ Scooting closer, she leaned her head in, probing to make eye contact.

Shifting my gaze to her, I frowned. ‘’What?! No, I just… they looked different, relax.’’ Wincing away from her, she did something I didn’t expect; she shrugged and opened the book again, set to indulge in more Jay Gatsby and his damn parties without further interrogation.

‘’So how is Eric? Did you guys have fun this weekend?’’ She mumbled, turning a page. 

Relieved she wasn’t looking at me, I exhaled, hiding behind my hair. ‘’Uh, yeah. It was fun…’’ Fighting for my life not to stutter, I paused to pretend I was thinking. ‘’We went on a road trip, watched a movie, ate pizza… it was nice.’’

Looking at me now, she studied my face. ‘’A road trip? Where to?’’ 

‘’Just to Sedalia. We walked this trail and-’’

‘’Did you talk to him about that weird shit online?’’

Wetting my lips, I held my breath. ‘’No, I didn’t yet…’’

‘’You should. I mentioned it to Dylan and he-’’

I gasped, jerking upright from the wall. ‘’Julie!’’

‘’Relax, he knows all about them. And that’s weird too because he was so casual about it… ‘that’s just Eric,’’’ She quoted, deepening her tone to narrate Dylan’s voice.

I opened my mouth, ready to berate her but then I narrowed my eyes, realization forming in my head and it showed in Julie’s smile. ‘’Wait a minute, he told you… when?’’ 

‘’Oh, you know, just this Saturday when we were hanging out,’’

I clasped my hand over my mouth, then I pointed a finger at her. ‘’I knew it! Hah! I knew it!’’

She snorted. ‘’Yeah, and how the heck could you possibly have known?’’ 

Straightening my back, smiling smugly, I folded my arms over my chest. ‘’I saw his car by the strip mall. Me and Eric were there, at Safeway.’’

‘’What?! How come we didn't see you… we were at the bagel shop next door,’’

Still melting the information, I chuckled. ‘’Oh man… What did you guys do? By the way, did he seem upset?’’ 

Frowning, she seemed to be thinking it over for a while. Then she shrugged. ‘’Umm, not really. Maybe a little withdrawn but I didn’t think much of it. Why?’’ 

‘’Eric told me he was pissed off at Dylan and… well, we didn’t really talk about it.’’ The thought of his hands on me sent a pulsating shiver down to my womb.

She waved her hand, rolling her eyes. ‘’Ugh, leave it be. Guys are fucking weird. He wouldn’t have told you anyway, I’m like… ninety-nine percent sure. They’re like talking to a wall with their damn problems,’’

Maybe she was right.

‘’I saw them walking together earlier anyway. I waved at them and they waved back so… ’’ Shrugging again, she gazed at people passing us. 

I wasn’t too surprised. Eric had told me they were talking again on Monday and everything seemed to be back to normal. Thinking about Julie’s words again, I decided to let it be. Hopefully, he would come around.

Julie glanced at her wristwatch, sighing. ‘’We gotta go. Time’s up,’’ 

We had English next, and we were both behind in our books. At least we’d take the scolding as a team instead of suffering it alone when telling our teacher. Our English teacher was alright though, and we both were fond of her. Entering the classroom, we did our usual tour to the back of the room, sitting all the way down by the south-facing wall, not giving Jeremy the time of day. Although, today, he wasn’t here.

Chris and Evan were paying way more attention to each other today, chatting away with their heads bent together. At one point I even thought I heard Evan titter, and I nudged Julie. We decided right away that they were talking girls, seeing them all teamed up like that. As Evan was my best guy friend, I was eager to know who they were talking about, and if they were talking about anyone in particular. Then my mind wandered off, replaying memories from the weekend. My cheeks got flaming red just thinking about his hands on my bare skin, tracing his fingers, trailing kisses…

After dismissal, me and Julie were on our way to the commons. We’d decided to take her car somewhere for lunch, and walking through the cafeteria would be the closest access to the parking lot. I gazed vaguely over the round tables, not paying any mind to the people present. I knew Eric and Dylan would have lunch around the same time as us, but they always left school to eat so not seeing them there wasn’t unusual. 

Striding past the rows of tables and rowdy groups chattering and hollering, we headed closer and closer to the entrance. Coming around the corner we both slowed down swiftly, glancing at each other. Standing across each other in front of the glass doors were Eric and Dylan, Dylan holding a video camera, and Eric looking mannered, opening his mouth only to start yelling, to mine and Julie’s utter confusion. He seemed to be acting, lashing out at the camera, spit flying, pointing a finger and vigorously becoming more intimidating. 

_‘’...I’m gonna pull out a goddamn shotgun and blow your damn head off, do you understand, you little worthless piece of crap!’’_ He ended the whole rant by hovering his height over whoever Dylan was supposed to be, piercing mean eyes into the lens.

My eyes grew wide by his words. Our day at Rampart flashed before me. What the heck was he saying?! A lump grew in my chest and I clenched my jaw shut. 

Clapping her hands sarcastically, moving towards them, I knew Julie tried to make the best out of the bizarre situation. ‘’Wow! For a minute there I thought it was watching Jack Nicholson himself, wonderful performance!’’

They were both equally surprised and taken aback by Julie’s sudden appearance, and Eric snapped his eyes to me as I joined Julie’s side. I didn’t know whether he saw the fun in Julie’s approach as well or if he was irritated as his face stayed indecisive, avoiding my brooding eyes. However, Dylan laughed, stirring a nervous chuckle among all of us.

‘’What the hell are you guys even doing…?’’ Julie gave me another alarming glance. We both knew exactly what she was thinking; I was thinking it too.

Dylan murmured. ‘’We’re just finalizing some shots for a video,’’

Looking Eric over, he seemed more mellowed as he embraced me, kissing my cheek. He had a different jacket on today. Gray sweatshirt, blue jeans, and his usual black shoes. I reached my hand to stroke a quick pat on his hat. ‘’This is new - looks good on you!’’ 

Snorting and bowing his head to hide the effects of my compliment, he wet his bottom lip. ‘’Actually, it’s old as shit but yeah, I don’t wear it that often,’’ He placed his hands on his hips in a signature stance. Dylan seemed stiff and uncomfortable in Julie’s close presence, but friendly and content with a hand awkwardly in his waist.

Knowing the truth, I shifted my gaze elsewhere to not start smiling, seeing Eric fix fragile eyes on me at the edge of my vision.

‘’Video class?’’

Shaking his head, Dylan glanced at Eric. ‘’Government class,’’

Julie quickly grew curious. ‘’What’s the concept?’’

Dylan shifted weight to his right leg, seemingly becoming self-conscious about having to answer so many questions at once. Eric cut in. ‘’It’s about two guys stopping bullies, and it’s like a business so they earn money off of it. To stop the bullies from messing with kids at school…’’

Tearing her eyes off Dylan, she raised her eyebrows. ‘’Oh, so, hitmen then? Since you’re blowing someone’s head off with a shotgun I mean,’’

I bulged my eyes, Eric stuck his chin out and another nervous chuckle came from Dylan. 

Eric scratched his temple. ‘’Yeah… hitmen,’’

Pursing her lips under a tiny smile, Julie was aware and shamelessly pleased she’d hit Eric with a mental blow and the atmosphere pressed down on me.

‘’Where are you headed?’’ Dylan’s voice gave us all a great reason to divert the attention to him and he grew smaller under our gazes.

Still stunned by Julie’s boldness, I let her speak first. ‘’We’re going for lunch somewhere. Wanna come?’’ Aiming a glistening smile at Dylan, he started cracking his fingers nervously. 

‘’Uh- we already ate, but we could go somewhere tomorrow maybe,’’ 

Julie nodded eagerly at the proposal, giving me a quick eye, making me nod too. ‘’Alright, yeah!’’ 

Eric stood silent beside me, wearing his typical frown when the situation didn’t deem fit to him.

Julie cleared her throat. ‘’Alright,’’ Brushing past Dylan, she walked to hold the door open for us to leave. ‘’See you guys later,’’

We all exchanged goodbyes and before walking outside with Julie, I placed a lingering kiss on Eric’s lips, smiling against his mouth as he responded heavily, placing a hand on my back. Behind us, I heard Dylan escape the scene immediately and Eric broke us apart, smirk reaching his eyes now. The glance we gave each other before I turned around spoke a million words.

**

‘’Julie?’’

She looked up from her plate, chewing profoundly on her food. ‘’Mhm?’’

I started smiling at the thought of what I was about to say. ‘’Is Dylan someone you’d date?’’

Snorting into her glass as she took a large gulp, making the water squirt back in her face, she steadied her eyes in mine. 

I choked back laughter. ‘’What happened there?’’

Wiping her face with her sleeve, she formed a grimace. ‘’Umm, why the question?’’ Knowing her, I knew she got offensive if she liked the guy, instead of making a joke like she always did. The realization of this showed in her face as I kept smiling.

‘’Alright, what do you know? Spill it.’’

‘’I don’t know anything, that’s why I’m asking! I mean, I know Michael was a fucking douchebag so I just thought-’’

‘’Yeah.’’

Mouth hanging open from being interrupted, I frowned. ‘’Yeah, what?’’

She shrugged. ‘’Yeah.’’ 

‘’Julie…’’

‘’Yeah, I like him. I like Dylan. He’s sweet, funny, and probably the most attentive guy I’ve ever spoken to.’’ She finished the sentence by plastering on a smile.

Exhaling a laugh in pure shock, I leaned in over the table. ‘’Wait…what?’’

Shrugging again, she folded her arms. ‘’Yeah.’’

‘’Jesus Christ, stop saying yeah! Tell me more!’’

‘’What’s there to tell? It’s not like I’m in love with him or anything…’’ Again with the offense.

‘’A crush?’’

‘’No…’’

‘’You’re interested though?!’’

Rolling her eyes, she glanced out the window, pressing her lips together.

‘’Oh, you so are!’’

Leaning in, she extended her hand to smack my arm. ‘’You can’t say anything cause I’d have to… kill you, which makes me think… what the fuck was that all about with Eric?’’

Chewing on my bottom lip, I thought it over. A lot of things were making me oddly uncomfortable and it wasn’t making any sense. First, it was the guns. Adding to it was the webpages, and now this in school today. ‘’But that was just him acting though,’’

‘’Okay, but why does the acting have to be all raged and include killing and guns? It’s just weird. Considering the other shit… ’’ Mocking Eric, she repeated what he’d said; _‘Pull out a goddamn shotgun.’_

Neglecting my feelings, I shrugged. ‘’I don’t know, we weren’t really there for the whole context I guess.’’

I knew Julie was judging me hard as her eyes narrowed down to thin lines. We left the conversation at that as we had to drive back to school. The way back we talked about my mom and my brother coming soon, how nice Christmas was going to be this year and when we were going to plan to go gift shopping.  
I wanted Eric’s gift to be a good one but I hadn’t decided on what to buy him yet and it stressed me out a little bit. The end of the semester was approaching fast and I knew he’d be preparing for finals most days, leaving more room for me to secretly ask Dylan or maybe Mike about ideas. Julie currently seemed annoyed with Eric so I didn’t bother to bring it up with her in the car.

Last period went by uneventful and Julie and I separated at the parking lot after. She had a load of chores to do at home and she whined about how much her parents nagged her lately before hugging and saying goodbye.

Feeling like I needed some time to myself today, I drove home without seeking Eric out and closed myself inside my room. Heavily drifting away in an afternoon nap, I didn’t hear the phone ring, twice… 

A knock on my door faintly pulled me out of slumber. I heard it crack from being opened and I rolled to my back to see dad’s face peeking at me. ‘’Sorry to wake you but a very persistent young man just called for the third time, asking for you… I’m starting to feel a little bad for the kid.’’ 

My drowsy mind didn’t connect anything he was saying and I wondered for a short glimpse who this man was until it hit me. ‘’Shit, what’s the time?’’ Sitting up with hair in my face, I could feel how heavy my head was. 

‘’Seven-forty.’’ Dad wheezed back and I internally panicked. I’d been sleeping for the past four hours. I was almost certain I was getting the flu or a cold. I never took naps this long.

‘’There’s dinner in the kitchen for you whenever you’re hungry. But give him a call back…’’ Was the last thing he said before closing the door shut again. Glancing at the clock on the nightstand, surely, it was 7:40.

Leaning over the edge to pick up the phone, I raised the receiver to my ear, pressing a button to speed-dial his number. As I expected, he picked up after one signal. ‘’Eric,’’ He sounded a little worked up but his voice made me smile nonetheless.

‘’Hey, it’s me. Sorry for being dead for the last four hours… I kinda fell asleep,’’ Ending with a short chuckle, I bit my lip.

I thought I could make out a long sigh. ‘’That’s alright… I’m sorry for calling so many times-’’ He seemed to choke mid-sentence so I waited in silence for a couple of seconds for him to speak again until it started to get awkward and I cleared my throat.

‘’Is it too late for you to come over? Just for an hour or so.’’ 

‘’I’ll ask my parents, hold on,’’ A crackling noise indicated he’d put the receiver down. A minute passed and then he was back.

‘’I’ll be over in five minutes. Is your dad okay with me coming over?’’

Aware I hadn’t asked, I said yes anyway and we hung up. Dragging my limp body out of bed, I quickly fixed my hair in a ponytail, pulled on a fresh t-shirt and a pair of pajama pants. I staggered down the stairs, meeting dad’s curious eyes as he looked at me from the couch, face wrinkling into a warm smile.

‘’Well, good evening. The food is on the stove. It should still be warm,’’ Turning his head to the TV again. Football game; deeply consumed. 

I joined to stand beside the couch, weighing on my hip. ‘’Dad… is it okay if Eric comes over for just an hour? Just an hour.’’ 

Casting me a glance before looking at his watch, he sighed, knowing it wasn’t a problem. It wasn’t too late, he would leave after an hour, plus, he lived close by. ‘’Sure. But only for an hour.’’ Giving me the typical parent ‘do we have an agreement’ eyes, I nodded back, all smiles.

‘’Thanks, dad!’’

I had just finished loading my plate when there was a knock on the front door. Putting down the dish on the counter harder than I intended to, I winced before jogging to answer.

With a concerned look on his face, he raised his gaze to me from the patio, hair fixed, dressed in a blue Broncos sweatshirt and cargos. Seeing the smile on my face, he smirked too. Stepping aside, I let him in and aware that dad was on his way from the living room, we only hugged. The thought of his hands on me came back with rapid speed, blushing my face crimson.

Dad joined us in the foyer just as I thought he would, extending his hand to exchange a handshake with Eric. 

‘’Eric, good to see you! That’s a really good shirt you got there,’’ I recognized dad’s smile as genuine and Eric smiled back.

‘’Mr. Beckenfort, long time no see. Yeah, they sure are doing well this season.’’

‘’Roger, call me Roger. And I agree. Maybe we could go watch the playoffs next year at the stadium if they keep it up this way,’’ Dad chuckled his belly laugh.

A wave of pride washed over Eric’s face and I had to resist the temptation to laugh. 

‘’Are you hungry?’’ 

Eric shifted his attention to me, a little strained over the fact that dad was watching over his every move. Not in a bad way, but I could relate to his pressure. ‘’Uh-’’ 

‘’I was just about to eat, there’s plenty for you as well, if you want some,’’

Smirking vaguely, standing straight, he glanced at my dad. ‘’If it’s not a problem, sure.’’

‘’You two go eat and I’ll go back to the game, did you watch Sunday’s game, Eric? Close points between them and the City Chiefs,’’

‘’I’m afraid I missed that game… a lot of school work piling up at the end of the semester,’’

Dad tilted his head, nodding. ‘’Of course, of course!... Alright,’’ Doing a complete 180, he left us standing in the foyer, glancing at each other, suppressing laughter. I was utterly happy Dad seemed so fond of Eric, and that the feeling most likely was mutual between them. Still, it was awkward, to say the least.

He leaned in to whisper as we approached the counter where my plate waited. ‘’Your dad is real cool,’’ Reaching to hand him a plate, I huffed.

‘’I’m glad you think so. I find him super embarrassing but…’’ I shrugged, chuckling softly.

‘’Sure. My parents managed to mortify me once or twice when you were there too. My mom keeps asking about you though,’’ 

I froze in movement, darting my eyes his way. ‘’Really…?’’ An unstoppable smile stretched my lips.

A little embarrassed over the topic, he smirked. ‘’Pssh, yeah. It’s not too often I bring home a girl. And she thought you were really sweet, which you are so I don’t blame her there,’’ His smirk grew wider as he spoke, focusing on loading his plate. 

Too astounded to form thoughts, I narrowed my eyes. ‘’Are you messing with me right now?’’

‘’No, I’m serious. Why would I make this up?’’ His stern face told no lie and I wet my lips, shaking my head. 

‘’I don’t know…I just… it makes me really happy to hear that. I like both your parents a lot!’’ 

Taking a seat at the table, Eric joined me soon after. A little nervous and self-conscious about the fact that dad was in the next room, he behaved overly well-mannered and didn’t speak much, possibly afraid he’d say something wrong or inappropriate.

When we were finished, I grabbed a leftover piece of macaroni and threw it at him to loosen him up and he looked shocked beyond belief that I would do such a thing. Glancing over his shoulder, he chuckled. _‘’What was that for?’’_ Diving down to pick up the pasta from the floor, he was still in disbelief, chuckling when he came back up to toss it on his plate.

Together, we washed up the dishes before heading to my room.

I noticed the familiarity in Eric’s body language as we entered my room, looking around, sitting down on the bed. Finally, he seemed to let go of his guard, and gazing at me as I closed the door, he jerked to his feet again, lunging at me. I choked back a screech as he picked me up, turning us around to throw me on my back on the bed. Scooting back playfully, he grabbed me by the ankle, yanking me back to him. 

‘’Hah, nice try,’’ He chuckled, leaning over me for a kiss. Our first real kiss of the day and not much to my surprise, my whole body responded within a rapid second. Heart pounding; shivers shooting to my womb.

It took all my power to wince away from him and seeing him lean in even further for more, tempted me to no end. But I’d called him over for a reason. To talk. 

‘’Eric…’’ Scooting back again, we locked eyes. ‘’I need to ask you about some things.’’

He shot his eyes wide open, face shifting into a grimace of concern. ‘’Alright,’’ The change in his attitude was apparent as he thudded down on the bed, not caring to move closer to me. 

Snorting, I crawled to sit across from him, crossing my legs and running my eyes over him. ‘’You fixed your hair,’’

I caught a hint of blushing on his cheeks before he bowed his head down. ‘’Yep.’’ Peeking at me, he raised his head again. 

I wet my lips. ‘’Okay… so… I wanna ask you about your website.’’

His eyebrows furrowed, then they shot to his forehead. ‘’What do you wanna know?’’ To my surprise, he didn’t seem bothered at all.

‘’Oh, uh-’’ _Grab the bull by the horns. Do it, do it now._ ‘’The people you want dead, are they jocks? Like jocks… attending Columbine High School perhaps?’’ Chuckling nervously, I decided my question wasn’t too cringy.

He made it easy for me by snorting, a smug smile playing at his lips. ‘’Among others, yes.’’

I tilted my head to display I was still listening. Glancing around the room, he continued. ‘’Columbine is probably the suckiest school in the history of time. Anything else would surprise me,’’

I remembered Jeremy and his friends taunting Eric right in front of my eyes. I remembered me and Julie being harassed. I remembered… 

‘’For the last three years… that’s what you said. What does it mean?’’ Thinking I was being smart here, I went digging deeper.

Scratching his temple, he looked down at his lap. ‘’Well, what you saw there by the lockers is the shit I’ve been dealing with since… shit, can’t even remember when it started. Dylan too. And I don’t wanna sound like an asshole but, your former friend Jeremy was always a part of it. Working with him at Blackjacks was a real strain,’’ He snorted, shaking his head.

Frowning in disbelief, I started raiding through memories inside my brain. I tried my utmost to remember anything valuable for this conversation from before I’d known Eric personally. And mental images were starting to form. Of me and Julie, sitting around the table with Jeremy and his knucklehead friends, listening to stories that were disgusting and disrespectful. They’d even called Evan a fag. They nicknamed anyone they thought were either weird, stupid, ugly or slightly different. Too smart? Fag. Standing up for oneself? Fag. Julie and I had tired and limited our attention to Jeremy only. Snapping back to reality, I saw Eric observing me. ‘’I’m sorry I…’’ What the hell was there to say? I’d been hanging out with his bullies.

‘’You don’t have to say anything. Don’t worry about it. I never wanted to weigh this crap on you ‘cause it’s really none of your concern,’’

My hands shot to grab his hands from his lap, squeezing them tightly. ‘’It is my concern, damnit!’’ Startled over my sudden reaction, I sighed, staring down at the blanket. ‘’I told you that one time; that I care a lot. And it still stands.’’ 

He seemed stunned, not even fully capable of handling my affection. His piercing eyes were on me, studying my features.

‘’Whatever the fuck Jeremy did, I hope he rots in hell.’’ Clenching my jaw, I heard Eric snort at my comment, a haughty smirk stretching his lips. ‘’It’s not funny… none of it is funny.’’

Discovering that I was gravely serious about the matter, he wiped the smirk off. ‘’No shit.’’

Gathering myself, taking a deep breath, I retreated my hands to my lap. ‘’Is this still happening? I want you to be honest with me. Are they doing it to Dylan too?’’

‘’Not as much. We’re seniors now so some of them aren’t all that tough anymore. Jeremy included.’’

Hearing his name provoked me, but I swallowed it down. ‘’Look… I’m not mad or anything. I just want you to know that I’m here for you,’’ Peeking at him through my lashes, I started to smile. We both did and a warm feeling spread in my gut. For all I knew and judging by the look in his eyes, he took it to heart.

Loosening the smile, he broke away, gazing down at his lap again. The lack of response from him made me self-conscious and I was judging myself hard for a second; what could I say to convince him? What could I do? My voice seemed to be stuck in my throat and it was Eric who ended the silence.

‘’I was worried I’d scared you today with that shit in the commons. And maybe if that was why you didn’t call me back,’’ Large eyes glanced at me, and then back to somewhere else to protect his vulnerability.

New concern washed over me and I tilted my head. ‘’But Dad told you I was sleeping, right?’’ 

‘’Sure, he did, but… I don’t know. Let’s just forget about it,’’ Shrugging and scratching his temple again, I recognized he was in a tough spot.

My heart pumped in my chest, almost leaving me breathless. Do I say it now, or another time? I looked away as his eyes reached mine again, and I smiled for a split second.

‘’What are you thinking?’’ He reached out to give my cheek a quick stroke, bringing my attention back to him.

‘’Did you tell Dylan we went shooting?’’ I even startled myself with my question, but I was eagerly pushing my limits as well, trying hard to step out of the shy shell I knew I was stuck in.

Eric gave me an odd look, then adding a wink. ‘’Nope. That’s between you and me,’’ Secrets were usually fun but this one wasn’t, even though Eric seemed to think so.

‘’Can I ask what you guys argued about?’’ 

The muscle in his jaw twitched but he remained causal. ‘’Just stupid stuff. We were supposed to meet up after school one day but he went with Zack instead. Didn’t feel too good being left behind,’’

I made a face. ‘’That wasn’t very nice of him… I thought you guys were super close.’’ 

‘’Yeah… me too. Guess not,’’ Barely noticeable, he hunched.

The sad energy coming off of him tugged at my heartstrings and I crawled even closer to embrace him. ‘’Hey, you’re a good friend.’’ A sharp chuckle rumbled in his chest as his arms reached around me, pulling me to him. His increasing heartbeat against my ear made me smile and I tried to wipe it off before peering at him. Leaning in close, he smirked against my lips before laying one on me. Stroking his hand over my back to my neck, his fingers brushed up my hair. Breaking the kiss, a low grunt came from his throat as he bit into his bottom lip, pulling me in further to whisper in my ear.

‘’Is this what friends do…?’’

I exhaled a soft chuckle, on the verge of losing my cool to his warm breathing against my ear. ‘’Eric, I didn’t mean you and me… ‘’ His hand clenched into a fist in my hair, gently giving it a pull and my lips parted at the sensation of warmth spreading like hot liquid in my gut.

A knock on the door caused the both of us to have a smaller heart attack and we ripped away from each other faster than lightning. Eric was already on his feet as I glanced over, hands shoved down his pockets.

I swallowed hard before speaking, scared to death my voice would betray me. ‘’Yeah?’’ 

‘’Just reminding you about the time. It’s nine p.m.’’

Eric and I darted our eyes at each other, both shock and tension charging between us. I had to clasp my hand over my mouth to stop myself from laughing and Eric eyes fell to the floor in front of him, pursing his smirking lips.

Down in the foyer, we caught a glance of Dad rumbling around in the kitchen, organizing. His face lit up as he saw us and wasn’t late to join us as Eric put his shoes and jacket on. Eric’s smirk was traded for a plastered, innocent one in Dad’s presence, giving off a far from convincing look. Dad cleared his throat as Eric and I hugged goodbye. 

‘’Always nice to see you, Eric. Say hello to Wayne and Kathy for me.’’ They shook hands again, and Eric focused solely on Dad as he spoke. 

‘’I will. Thank you for letting me see Helena at this hour, and I apologize for the calls.’’ Hints of red-colored his slender cheeks but he was quickly uplifted by my Dad’s heartfelt chuckle, smoothing it over by waving his hand.

‘’Oh - no need for apologies. Reaching out to that certain lady of interest can be a struggle sometimes,’’ With that said, he put an arm around my shoulders, giving me a teasing shake.

Mortified, I forced a grin. ‘’Thanks Dad…’’

Eric seemed relieved over the lighthearted atmosphere, chuckling as he nodded, shifting loving eyes to me. ‘’Sure is.’’

Letting go, Dad said a final goodnight and started walking up the stairs, leaving us to it once more.  
At least he knows when to, I thought, exhaling a long breath and Eric saw his chance to quietly pull me to him, placing slow silent pecks on my lips, on the tip of my nose and my forehead. Leaning in, his voice was low for all the right reasons.

‘’Do you know how hard it is to pretend I’m not dying to kiss you when your Dad’s around? And the worst part is how gorgeous you are too, just standing there… ’’ He rolled his eyes, smirking.

Choking back a chuckle over the fact that I was dressed in an old washed out t-shirt and pajama pants, I pressed my lips together, gazing up at him. ‘’Yeah, super gorgeous… sure…’’ 

‘’Oh, don’t even try it, lady,’’ Knowing he intentionally used Dad’s word of choice, we both chuckled and he pressed his forehead against mine, struggling to leave.

‘’Alright…gotta go.’’ Straightening his posture, he kissed my hair one last time before he turned to open the door, leaving me longing for him to come right back. The freezing air crept inside the house in a matter of seconds as I stood there, watching him glance over his shoulder more than twice before getting in his car. He waved as he drove off and I hurried back inside to escape the icing cold.

Before closing my eyes for the night, I stared up at the ceiling, going over what we’d talked about earlier. Jeremy intruded my mind more than I was willing to admit, and now I knew he’d been giving Eric a hard time too. I felt a wrench in my stomach at the thought of it. Had I asked too much? I didn’t want him to close off. He already was. Was it more now than it’d been before? 

Rolling over to my side, I sighed, chewing on my lip. The scent of him was stuck in my nose. The touch of his hands lingered. I couldn’t separate the serious things from the easy anymore. This feeling I had in me was nothing else but love, it wasn’t hard to catch up on - so why did I have a growing knot in my chest? 

Exhaustion finally knocked me out around midnight.

**

_December 18, 1998._

Dumping this semester’s notebooks in the trash together, our group rumbled with chuckles and howls. Me, Evan, Julie, Austin and Emily.

The hallways were filled with euphoric students. Freshmen, sophomores, juniors and seniors, all more than ready for Christmas break and to leave this schoolyear behind. Our first part of junior year was done, and I could barely believe it.

‘’What are you guys doing tonight? Any parties?’’ Sitting at our usual table in the commons, Austin gazed among us with a broad smile, looking like the devious little bastard he was. 

‘’Not that I know of yet - Evan?’’ Julie shifted the attention to him and he shrugged. Emily did the same, and then everyone looked at me. Far gone into my usual daydreaming, I received a well-deserved nudge from Julie yet again.

‘’Oh my god! You are unbelievable! How can you never be present, like ever?!’’ 

‘’She’s in a whole other dimension,’’ Austin teased and I blew him a raspberry as reality was forming in my head again.

‘’You’re just jealous!’’ 

‘’As if!’’ He mocked right back at me, and I rolled my eyes. 

‘’You guys, I have zero clues of any parties. Why don’t we go bowling and eat dinner or something?’’ Julie and I exchanged a glance and then I looked at the others for some type of confirmation.

‘’Bowling is fun! Except for when you’re in a team with Austin ‘cause he fucking sucks,’’ 

‘’Is that a challenge?’’ The boys went at it right away; Austin lunging a pen at Evan, who ducked perfectly, picking the pen up from the floor to throw it back.

‘’Alright, enough! Give me that!’’ Julie wrestled to snatch the pen from Austin’s hand and succeeded, hiding it away in her sleeve. ‘’Can’t believe you two are seniors next year. You should be sitting over there with the kiddos,’’ She cocked her head to the direction where freshmen had finally managed to conquer a table and we all laughed.

‘’Alright mommy,’’ Austin made a face at Julie and she made one back, making everyone chuckle again. We were used to Julie and Austin’s love-hate relationship by now, but it never managed to lose its charm. 

Glancing at Evan, I saw him peer at something from time to time, fidgeting with his hands. Choosing not to say anything, I caught him peek again in the same direction and following his eyes, I bit my lip to hide a huge smile. Surely, he was checking her out. A cute brunette, sitting with her friends laughing and chatting a few tables away. I didn’t know her, but I knew she was in a grade under us.

I couldn’t believe no one else was catching up on it, happening right under their noses. Then again, I knew Evan the best out of any of us. Contemplating whether I should mention anything, we upped and left the commons before I got a chance to ask him about it. A million of questions burned inside me and by the time we reached our lockers, Evan told us bye and went ahead.

Glancing over my shoulder, my eyes found Julie emptying her locker. ‘’Julie!’’ She spun around, crouching down to fill her backpack while gazing at me.

‘’What’s up?’’ The crowded hallway was thinning out and we didn’t have too many ears listening in any longer.

‘’Did you see Evan before? You were right; it’s a girl. For sure it’s about a girl,’’ 

She wrinkled her nose. ‘’Huh?’’

I rolled my eyes. ‘’In class! Chris and Evan, the whispering! It’s a girl.’’

‘’How do you know that?’’

‘’See, you didn’t even pay attention and you call me a dreamer,’’

Rising to her feet, she held the backpack in her hand and smacked her lockers shut before walking over to my side. ‘’God, you’re annoying sometimes.’’

‘’Same goes for you, doofus. No, but for real, I saw her. He was staring at her in the cafeteria.’’

‘’Staring? Like a creep? Oh, Evan…’’ She leaned her back against the locker beside mine, gazing around the hallway.

‘’Give him a rest, it wasn’t like he was gawking…’’

Her gaze froze at a point behind me and then she pursed her lips, trying to play it off just as fast, looking at me attentively. I whipped around, catching Eric off guard. Dylan was right behind him, most likely commanded to be very, very quiet.

‘’Now you ruined it! That is not a straight face,’’ Eric whined, approaching us.

‘’Oh, and you should know right, Mr. Actor,’’ Her demeanor switched like a light being turned on as she shifted her focus to Dylan. ‘’Hey, Dylan!’’ Leaving my side, she walked to stand on her toes for a quick hug. The height difference was hilarious, but to be fair, he towered over most people.

‘’Trying to scare me I see, good thing Julie can’t keep face…’’

Reaching around me with one arm, he pulled me to him, pecking my cheek. ‘’I’m sure she’s a good friend but she’s no Hollywood actress,’’

‘’I heard that!’’

Eric let go of me, and we faced the awkward pair standing beside each other, both with their backpacks weighing on their shoulders like two misplaced children. I looked at Eric again and he looked at me, smirking wide. ‘’Do you have everything? Do you need help?’’ Peeking inside my locker, the inside gaped empty back at him. 

‘’All in there,’’ I triumphed, pointing to the backpack by my feet. 

Eric chuckled. ‘’How does it feel? Good, right?’’

‘’It’s a good relief, for sure,’’ Closing the locker, I picked the backpack off of the floor and hauled it onto my back. ‘’Are you planning on celebrating tonight?’’ Julie seemed equally curious.

‘’I came to ask if you wanna come to Dylan’s tonight. Nothing major. Just us, Mike, Veik, Zack and a few others,’’

Before I could open my mouth, Julie tuned in. ‘’Yeah! Sounds fun!’’ At first, I thought she was building up for a sarcastic comment, but her face was genuine. ‘’It’s close to me as well, so Helena, you could stay at my place after. Tell your dad.’’ 

Dylan shifted his gaze between me and Eric before he peered down at the floor, cracking his knuckles. I thought I could see something smug form in his face behind the self-conscious mask although sometimes I had a feeling he didn’t like me too much.

Eric’s next sentence made my heart drop to my shoes; 

Robyn is coming too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for my absence. Life happened lol.
> 
> This chapter is far from something I'm fully satisfied with but I hope you will like it anyway.
> 
> I want to wish you all a belated Happy Easter. Stay safe. <3


	18. 'Tis the season

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been 84 years... I sincerely apologize for keeping you guys waiting this long. You rock, as always.

High on endorphins, I twirled around Julie’s room, singing my heart out to One Headlight by The Wallflowers, dressed and ready for the night. Julie on the other hand was not. She’d struggled with picking out clothes for the last forty-five minutes. As I reminded her about the time, she gave me a frustrated grunt.

‘’This one looked so good on you, and this one too,’’ I picked up the black sleeveless jeans dress she’d turned down along with the blue Levi’s jeans, holding them in front of me.

Blowing air through her nose, she folded her arms, stubbornly weighing on her hip. ‘’The jeans are good but I don’t have a top, literally not a single one,’’ 

‘’Oh shush, look at your closet!’’ I snapped a finger towards the racks upon racks of clothes and she made a face at me. Marching past her, I started digging through the rows for a cute top I knew she had. A thought struck my mind; why was she being this picky with clothes? She usually wasn’t. Not to this extent.

I swallowed back a chuckle. Dylan. It had to be Dylan.

‘’See, this one is super cute and it goes perfectly with the jeans. You’ve worn this before so don’t even try to say no,’’

I reached out to her, holding a marine blue, [longsleeved crop top](https://i.imgur.com/0oTNBdZ.jpg) with a small tear-shaped cut out detail at the collar. She grabbed it like it was trash, sincerely trying her best to keep her disgusted face before slowly realizing this might be it. 

‘’And then the black braided belt,’’ 

Her eyes sparkled with hope as she tried her hardest to hide the smile I’d managed to put there. ‘’Alright, you’re right. That’ll be a good outfit,’’ 

‘’Yes! For the love of God, yes! Now get dressed,’’ Playfully urging her forward to the bed where the rest of the clothes were, she turned around to flip me off and I gave her the bird right back.

I hummed away yet again, smiling as Eric crossed my mind, making my cheeks ache. Stopping in front of the full-length mirror, I made sure I was comfortable in the new [black Levi's](https://d2h1pu99sxkfvn.cloudfront.net/b0/3759674/508728188_O1nsIL6l3y/P0.jpg) I’d bought, that my make-up wasn’t over the top and that my hair was somewhat in place. Julie had helped me with the curling iron and I was digging it.

Getting dressed didn’t take Julie too long, and she had make-up on before I knew it. Apart from the lipgloss she wore, we were equally bare-faced.

As on routine, her parents weren’t home this weekend meaning we’d already packed a backpack with vodka and soft drinks, awaiting us in the foyer by our shoes as we tumbled down the stairs to get our coats.

‘’I hope Devon is there too, she was pretty cool last time at that girl Robyn’s party,’’

Julie’s words stunned like a bee, sending a reminding shiver down my gut. Fuck. I’d forgotten about Robyn. I forced a smile before Julie turned her head to me as she locked the front door.

‘’Yep, she was.’’ My throat dried up and I had to clear my throat.

Julie chuckled and we turned to walk to her car in the driveway. ‘’Wow, that was sarcastic as hell…?’’

‘’No no, I mean it. I was talking to Robyn a lot more though so,’’ Shoving my hands down my pockets, I glared down at my boots. Since Robyn’s confession to me in the school parking lot, I’d talked to her once over the phone. It had started awkward but quickly turned into a good conversation about everything between heaven and earth. Dylan, specifically. Her feelings for him were undeniable and I’d promised her to keep that an utmost secret.

‘’Yeah, she’s a little weird though,’’ 

We both stepped inside the car at the same time and I shot Julie a glance at her words. Fortunately, she hadn’t noticed the horror in my eyes and continued. 

‘’She gave me a few dirty looks at times that night like I don’t even know why, did she do the same to you?’’

Our eyes met as she turned the key to start the engine and the suspiciousness raised in her demeanor. ‘’Oh, she did right?!’’ 

I shrugged. ‘’Yeah, like a few times before we talked but after that she was alright. Maybe you should just talk to her a little bit. She’s probably shy,’’

Before turning her torso to see out the rear window as she backed up, Julie darted narrowed eyes my way and I had to press my lips together and rip my gaze another direction not to burst into nervous laughter.

The car ride to Dylan’s took no longer than five minutes. Pulling up by his house, we noticed a few other cars and I fondly rested my eyes on Eric’s for a few seconds longer before we stopped to park.

‘’I wonder if his parents are home,’’ Julie’s voice ripped my attention to her and I followed her stare towards the house through the windshield. 

‘’How come?’’

‘’Cause that’s his mom’s car,’’ 

Shifting my eyes to the silver sedan parked by the hedge, I started to smirk. ‘’Really now?’’ Before I could react, she landed a fist on my shoulder and I winced back, now chuckling.

All in good fun, we stepped out onto the pavement and was met by complete silence, the same magical, cottony winter silence as around Julie’s house; air crisp, stinging the nostrils. Getting closer to the door, the silence was cut off by a familiar laugh coming from inside the house. On cue, we turned to face each other, Julie rolling her eyes. ‘’Mike…’’

The scent of food hit us both first as we entered. I was almost certain of the source when a tall, graceful woman came around the corner, carrying a steaming pot casserole in her hands. In a natural response to seeing an adult, I gulped, embarrassed over the fact that I was wearing a backpack stuffed with alcohol.

Her smile plumped her high cheekbones even further and she seemed to recognize at least one of us. ‘’Julie! - so nice to see you again! Come on in you two,’’ Glancing at Julie, I could tell she’d put on her sweetest facade and surely, this woman seemed to like her. I, on the other hand, tried ignoring the cold sweats.

Hurrying to free her hands, she put the oven mitts under one arm to greet me. Meeting her gaze, her eyes said it all; she was a spitting image of Dylan. The only difference was her confident approach. Sue. Sue Klebold.

‘’Very nice to meet you, Mrs. Klebold. I have to say your house is absolutely stunning,’’

Tilting her head to the side, her smile grew grateful. ‘’That’s very sweet of you, thank you,’’

As we stood there, tumbling footsteps came down the stairs and six curious eyes peered at us. Eric’s face lit up and at first, he hesitated before coming in for a hug.

‘’Hi, Dylan - Mike, Eric,’’ 

Even Eric reacted to Julie’s new mellow characteristics and we exchanged meaningful looks.

Dylan brushed both his hands through his hair, fighting for his life not to eye Julie down first thing as his mother stood by his side. The curiosity welled through his pores. "Hey,"

‘’Ay, lookie here. Way to go keeping us waiting,’’ Mike didn’t bother. He was his old cheeky self.

The normal reaction from Julie would’ve been to flip him off, keeping me on edge. Instead, she smiled with her eyes, wet her lips, shifting focus to Dylan and Sue. The silence that followed was painful though Sue appeared amused, ordering us all downstairs for dinner.

"It's just you guys?"

Eric focused on me as we walked side by side towards, as suspected, the dining area. I had managed to carefully place the backpack on the floor in the foyer without making any suspicious noise and I could breathe properly again.

"Yup, as for now. Devon and Zack will be here later, Robyn too, I guess," With that said, he shrugged and we gathered around the table.

"This looks incredible, Mrs. Klebold!" Mike and Eric agreed with Julie in good humor but she seemed oblivious to the teasing, thankfully. 

"I hope you'll enjoy it. I will leave you all to it now. There are more chairs to add when Zack and the others get here… Dylan," 

Dylan snapped his eyes from the table, slouching on the chair, giving his mother a vague smile. "That's great, mom. Thanks,"

Julie sounded surprised. "Oh, you're not joining us?"

"Oh no no, of course not. This is your night!" The heartfelt smile spread across her face again, rocking me at ease. She reminded me about my mother and I had to admit it stung a little bit.

Dinner turned out slightly awkward but went by smoothly, except for Mike intentionally chewing loudly with his mouth open, pissing us off. I caught Eric glancing at me from time to time, giving me rosy cheeks and Julie was weirdly interested in Dylan's hobby, origami. 

"Wait, so you built a whole building by yourself as a kid? That's crazy - you have to teach me that stuff," 

Dylan seemed to have a rough time swallowing down his food, plate almost left untouched meanwhile we were all finished at this point.

"Sure he will," Mike roughly landed his hand on Dylan's shoulder, shaking him up. 

"Get your hand off me dude," Smacking Mike's hand away, Dylan's gaze went from dark and annoyed to mellow and cautious as he looked at Julie again. Mike laughed under his breath.

"You really want to? I mean sure, I'll teach you,"

Julie responded with a smile then turned to Mike. "What's so funny, idiot?"

Mike leaned in over the table, pointing a finger in Julie's direction. "You know, that kinda language is extremely inappropriate, we're trying to enjoy our meal here," 

"Yeah? I see you’re enjoying yours just great, sauce face," 

Mike rushed a hand to his mouth, wiping the corners with his fingers. Everyone except him and Dylan started laughing and he tried his best to play it off. Seeing Mike embarrassed was a new scene. ‘’You guys are jackoffs - no one really told me until now huh,’’

Dylan snatched the attention as he abruptly stood up with his semi-full plate in his hand. "Alright, everybody done? Then put your plates in the kitchen,"

"I'm not exactly done here dude," Mike nodded down at his plate.

Ignoring Mike completely, Dylan fled the scene, muttering on the go. "Great, let’s make room for some alcohol,"

I nibbled on my bottom lip to stop the laughter as Mike looked appalled from being ignored, shifting his eyes between me, Eric, and Julie. Dylan seemed bothered and looking to my left, I could see Julie analyzing her next move. Scooting her chair back, she followed close in his footsteps to the kitchen. 

After organizing the table in weird silence, Mike made sure no one was listening and walked up close behind Eric and me as we headed towards the kitchen. ‘’Okay, so what the fuck is up with Dylan? Dude’s grumpier than usual,’’

‘’Shut it. They’re literally in the other room,’’ 

‘’And your point is? - if you haven’t noticed, I don’t care. I’ll call him out on it later - watch me!’’

My sigh came out louder than intended, catching Dylan and Julie’s attention as we entered the kitchen. Putting all the dishes away, I watched as they made drinks by the table, laughing and conversating. ''How careful should we be? Are they coming home later?''

"Nope, they’ll spend the night with some friends at the condo they own. No need to be careful,’’

I caught them locking eyes for a second before Eric attacked-hugged me from behind, stealing my focus.

His whisper was right by my ear. ‘’Hey, whatchu doin,’’ Turning to face him, I landed one right on his lips, making us both smile like idiots.

Leaning in, I pretended to hug him, whispering. ‘’I think something might be happening at that table, for sure,’’

Trying to be slick, he scratched his head as he turned to have a quick look. ‘’That we knew already,’’ A lopsided smirk stretched his lips as he leaned in for another kiss.

Zoning back into reality, I got a good look at Julie watching us with an odd look. Right as I was to make a face at her, the front door ripped open.

‘’Yo! Where’s the music!’’

I recognized Zack’s voice immediately, along with Devon and Robyns. Mike barged to the foyer, greeting them, and Eric and I eventually sneaked after to do the same. Dylan and Julie seemed to have their own party tonight. Neither of them was quick to welcome the additional guests, especially not Julie; sourly glaring, arms crossed over her chest with a tight-lipped smile as Zack, Devon, and Robyn joined us inside the kitchen. The kitchen was big enough for us all physically, but not big enough for the pressing tension.

We moved to the living area, taking seats around the table, claiming spots to sit on the couch. Mike was loud in his talking, chatting up the newly arrived meanwhile Eric and Julie had a conversation about something my mind was currently too occupied to zone in on. All I could think of was Robyn, Dylan, and Julie in the same room.

Gulping down some Screwdriver, I saw Dylan peering anywhere but in Robyn’s direction, and Robyn staring a hole in Dylan’s forehead. The knot inside my stomach tightened.

The night progressed surprisingly well after all. I assumed the booze had a helping role in that, or at least for now. As I’d predicted, Robyn sought me out as I left the crowd for a refill in the kitchen.

“Hi,’’ Her voice made me freeze for a second before turning to face her with a stiff smile. 

“Hey,’’ Noticing the cup in her hand, I grasped for a quick lifeline. “You need a refill? I got some stuff in my backpack,’’ 

Still approaching me without hesitation, I realized she wasn’t back here for more drinks - she was here to talk.

Eyelids heavy, I could tell she was a little under the influence, but so was I. “Uh, no, I still have some beer.’’

Giving her another awkward smile, I swore I could hear crickets. The laughter and loud conversations going on in the living room felt muffled.

“Okay so about Dylan…’’ She steadied herself against the counter beside me. “He doesn’t even look at me. Not one single time tonight,’’

“He was pretty weird at dinner earlier too. Have you tried talking to him at all?’’ 

“I did when we were out smoking but he… no, not really I guess.’’

I had the impression Robyn wasn’t too bold of a person, and neither was Dylan. To sum it all up; none of them took action. 

“Maybe you should wait though. I feel like tonight is not the best night to talk about it anywa-,’’ 

Taking another step forward, interrupting my words, she mumbled. “Are you sure he’s not into Julie? I’m not a dumbass, I can see where his eyes are, you know...’’

“All I know is, I haven’t talked to Dylan about this. And Julie… sure, she thinks he’s a nice kid but I don’t think it’s like that.’’

Robyn’s nostrils flared and to my utter gratefulness, Mike’s voice coming around the corner had us taking a step away from each other. 

“Yo, we’re playing beer pong, you in?’’ Eric and Zack were both on right on his heel and Eric walked up to me upon seeing me. Wide-eyed and discouraged, Robyn excused herself to the bathroom, making my heart sink in my chest at last.

Eric embraced me, kissing my cheek. “What are you two doing out here? Girl talk?’’

“Um, yep. Girl talk.’’ 

“Are you okay?’’ He glanced over his shoulder whereto Robyn had just left. “Dylan?’’ 

I wasn’t too surprised he’d put one and one together, but it made me catch a tiny smile nonetheless. “She’s upset.’’

“Yeah. I’ve been watching them. Dylan isn’t too smooth with where he focuses his attention,’’

I furrowed my brows.

“Yep. You got it. He’s completely ignoring Robyn and stares at Julie, pretty much.’’

“See, that’s not a good move. Why’s he being an ass?’’

“You tell me. I’m gonna ask him about it later. He’s asking for trouble doing that shit and he’s not being fair to Robyn.’’

I leaned into him, throwing my arms around him in a tight hug. Inhaling a deep breath of his scent, I closed my eyes. “You know I really, really like you, right?’’ 

He kissed me on the forehead, returning the hug. “I’ll believe it when you tell me how I got this lucky,’’

“Alright, stop kissing each other’s ass and come on, we’re not waiting for you more than five minutes and you’re disqualified from the game,’’ Before disappearing out of sight around the corner, Mike gave us both an annoyed glance.

Back in the living room, a table was set up in the middle of the room. It was a spacious house, so there was no need to feel cramped up. Dylan picked teams with Julie, Zack, and Mike. Eric proudly joined my side on the other side of the table along with Robyn and Devon.

“Eric with three girls, uuuuh, how does it feel?’’ Mike wiggled his eyebrows at us.

“Better than you’ll ever experience... just throw the ball dumbass,’’

Said and done, Mike scored one cup right under Eric’s nose. Their team cheered and Eric cussed for having to chug. 

My turn. I scored two out of three against Mike and our team laughed right back. 

“Don’t get too cocky, Mike. It might bite you in the ass,’’

Finishing the last cup, he pretended to be surprised. “Oh, you want to? Come right over,’’ Turning to smack himself on the ass, we all booed him out, bending over laughing and Dylan shoved him to the side to take his place against me. I recognized the heavy eyelids and rosy cheeks from times before; he was drunk.

“Hit me!’’ I teased, egging him on, and he did. Scoring me out, he laughed and in a matter of seconds, Julie turned to stand on her toes and kissed him on the cheek in a victorious gesture. My stomach dropped, Robyn’s presence stinging me in the back. Dylan seemed to lose face right as I did, cheeks turning redder than ever.

Everyone else was too amped up to put energy into it though there was a moment of shock. Beside me, Robyn stared down at the floor, desperately trying to seek out patterns in the floorboards to keep herself from freaking out.

Me being semi-intoxicated, the rowdy noise; music blaring, and the thing that had just happened right before my eyes, made me freak out too. I felt like shit. Eric put a hand on my back, somewhat making it easier to breathe.

“Excuse me?! Hurry up - drink your cups!’’ Snapping her fingers, Julie dragged me back to reality and I quickly grabbed one, pouring beer down my throat. Did Robyn see it happen? She must have. Fuck. Now my credibility was down the goddamn drain.

I stepped back and Devon took my place. Chugging beer hadn’t been my best choice as I felt my stomach giving off protesting gurgles. Once again, Eric came to check on me by putting his arm around me.

“I’m gonna go talk to Robyn for a second,’’ Squirming away from him, he looked displeased but we both knew it had to be done. Facing Robyn, I grabbed her lightly by the arm to bring her with me.

“Let’s go talk okay,’’ Not a single noise came from her. She looked humiliated beyond belief.

Re-entering the kitchen again, my fears came to life as I heard Julie on our heel.

“Wait up! Are you guys going to the bathroom? I soooo need to go,’’ She giggled and Robyn took a full stop, spinning a full one-eighty to give in to her welling anger. At this point, it was fuming through her ears.

“Hey, Rob-’’ I grabbed Robyn’s arm to pull her back but I couldn’t stop her from speaking her mind. 

“What do you want with Dylan?!?’’

Julie’s bubbly mood changed in a heartbeat, now standing face to face with Robyn. “Woah! What the hell is that supposed to mean?’’

“You’ve known him for like two months and you kiss him, like really?! Who does that,’’

Crossing her arms, Julie puffed up her chest in defense. “So what?! He’s his own person and I do whatever I want,’’

Robyn’s adrenaline seemed to wear off, or so I thought. “It’s not your place! It’s not your fucking place!’’

By now, the music was off in the living room and footsteps were coming our way. Trying to get Robyn away from the situation, Julie kept it coming. “What’s your problem?!’’

Mike was the first smug face to show up but the others weren’t late to arrive at the scene. Eric looked concerned, Dylan was confused and the others were just drunk. “Are you guys seriously fighting right now? Awesome! Guess I didn't have to-’’

“Shut the fuck up, Mike,’’ Dylan’s voice cut through the air and Mike’s grin turned into a straight line. Robyn ripped herself from my grasp, stomping away to the bathroom. Devon went after her. 

The whole atmosphere was ruined. Julie looked outraged, staring me down. “She’s fucking crazy! She literally attacked me for no goddamn reason,’’

“You should go talk to Helena.’’ Eric stood close to us, ushering us towards the front door and I took his lead, exchanging looks with a nod. 

The whole time we put our shoes on, Julie wouldn’t stop talking and Eric diverted the boys back to the living room. Dylan glanced over his shoulder, twice.

“Please Julie, just shut it for a goddamn second alright,’’

She almost fell over taking a step back. “What the fuck are y-’’

“Let’s just go outside!’’ I wheezed through my teeth, opening the front door.

We went to her car and sat in the backseat. It was way too cold to be standing outside.

“You better start talking cause that was fucked up,’’

I cut to the chase. “It’s not fucked up. Robyn is in love with Dylan and you just kissed him in front of her. So, not fucked up at all actually.’’

Her gaze froze in mine and for the first time in fifteen minutes, Julie stopped herself to think before she spoke. “Wait the fuck up…’’ She put a finger in the air as if to silence the already dead-silent driveway. “She’s what?!’’

“Julie! Cut it out! You heard me,’’

The silence continued until there was a knock on my window, scaring us both half to death. It was Eric, informing us he would drive Robyn home and that it was probably best if he drove us home to Julie’s after. I gave him thumbs up and he walked back inside.

“Wait! How did you know this?! You knew this?! Why haven’t you told me about it? Now I look like a damn fool and the biggest idiot,’’

“I didn’t tell you cause I promised not to say anything to anyone. Not even you.’’

Julie wet her lips, seemingly annoyed. “That’s not fair,’’

“Nothing’s fair, Julie. It’s not like you’d planned on kissing him?! Shit happens.’’

We locked eyes and I raised my brows. “It was planned…’’ 

“I mean yeah what the hell do you want me to do? I’d told myself I wanted to make a move on him tonight to see where it went and now I’m here, in my freezing ass car dealing with this bullshit.’’

“So I guess we’ve both been keeping secrets,’’

“Fucking aye.’’

Raising my hands to my mouth, I tried my best to warm them with hot air. “You’ve seen how he looks at you right?’’

She shrugged. “If we’re talking about Dylan, yeah, I try. Every time I try to catch his eyes, he looks away. Then I look again and there he goes, looking at something else. So if that’s what you mean, then sure.’’

A vague smile stretched my lips. “Well, I’ve seen it. I hope you know what you’re doing,’’ 

“Uh… explain.’’

“I don’t think you should play with that kid’s heart is all I’m saying,’’

“And what even gives you the idea that I am? Merp! That’s right, you have no idea.’’

Rolling my eyes was enough for Julie to push her drunken goofiness aside and get serious. “On another note - I might like him. No bullshitting.’’

I let my mouth fall open on purpose. “Have you told him?’’

“Does it look like this night turned out well?’’

“You were gonna tell him tonight?! Oh wow.’’ I gazed out the fogged-up window, trying to catch any movement from the front door. This was a mess. I didn’t know if Robyn would ever talk to me again, and if she did, I knew she’d make sure I heard all about it.

‘’Ugh, let’s just go back inside. What’s she gonna do anyway,’’ Before I had the chance to cast a glance at her, Julie was out the car.

‘’Hey!’’ I flung the door open, stepping out to catch her by the arm as she walked past. ‘’Dude, can you wait!’’

Without stopping, she continued. ‘’Helena, it’s fifteen degrees. Are you kidding me,’’

Jogging after her like a worried mother, the door opened in front of us, shooting a whirlpool of emotions down my gut. Robyn looked devastated, hunching, hugging herself to keep the jacket tight around her. I was sure I even heard a mean scoff from her as she unwillingly laid her eyes on Julie, brushing past us to Eric’s car.

Eric and I let our eyes do the talking before he stopped in a rush to kiss me on the cheek. ‘’I’ll be back in a couple of minutes,’’ His voice was hushed, low. 

‘’Are you okay to drive?’’

‘’I’m alright.’’

With that said, Eric jumped into the car and I could feel Robyn’s intense eyes on me from behind the glass. My face weighed down with sympathy and an impulse made me take two steps forward, wanting to talk to her badly but she averted her eyes elsewhere, leaving me drained of confidence and filled with shame. Shit.

Standing there, watching the headlights floating away down the driveway, I knew Julie had already gone inside. My cheeks were stinging from the cold as I entered the warmth again, kicking off my shoes. The house was quiet, and a gloomy atmosphere made itself known right away. Voices came from both floors, but Julie and Dylans quickly turned my casual hearing into eavesdropping.

_‘’I’m sorry about the kiss, I have a tiny feeling it kinda ruined it all,’’_ Julie suppressed a faint laugh.

_‘’No that’s fine, wasn’t really your fault.’’_ To my surprise, Dylan seemed indifferent.

Silence followed and my heartbeat drummed in my chest.

_‘’So… did you guys talk?’’_

_‘’She wanted to leave so there wasn’t much talking, but yeah I tried. I felt awful seeing her that upset.’’_

_‘’Did she tell you why? She was upset, I mean.’’_ This made me lean in further.

_‘’As far as I know, not exactly.’’_

Footsteps interrupted me and I lost track of how the conversation continued. Pretending to walk inside the kitchen to clean up some trash, Zack yelled out from behind me.

‘’Dyl, we’re leaving. Give me a call tomorrow, alright?’’

I spun around to see Devon on her way over to me.

‘’Thank you for tonight, the good parts of it at least.’’ The grasping for some kind of humor cracked us both up a little and we hugged before she returned to the foyer.

Julie and Dylan joined us from upstairs soon enough, and the boys said their goodbyes. However, Devon didn’t give Julie as much as a glance and turned on her heel when the exchanging of phrases between the boys was done. Before side-eyeing me, Julie sucked her teeth as a reaction to Devon’s icy treatment.

Great. Now it was only me, Julie and Dylan. Julie knew. I knew. Dylan didn’t.

‘’Do you ladies want more to drink? I think I better start cleaning up’’ Dylan brushed his hands through his hair, trying to tame the curls that stubbornly fell back into his face. 

Julie and I were seated at the kitchen table, watching each other in silence. None of us were drunk anymore; the last two hours events had been enough to sober us up.

‘’I think I’m good for tonight. I’ll help you clean up.’’ The aftermath of tonight showed in Julie’s torpid expression as she went with Dylan. 

I stayed put, tapping my fingers against the tabletop, staring at my reflection in the window. The tiredness washed over me, and I couldn’t wait to go to bed. I didn’t even have the energy to feel guilty about the minor catastrophe that had played out. My mind went elsewhere; Christmas coming up, Eric, me and Eric - me and Eric doing things… 

I couldn’t stop a coy smirk from growing by the thought, not the tingling shooting through my abdomen either.

The door suddenly opened and Eric was back.

‘’Anyone here? Helena?’’

‘’Yeah, in here.’’

The smile on his face when laying his eyes on me never failed to weaken my knees. After approaching for a long, lingering kiss, we had company again. Eric turned to Dylan immediately, putting his hand on his hips. 

‘’Ah, the man of the hour,’’

Dylan’s already existing frown increased. ‘’The hell are you on about?’’

‘’You’re a real shithead sometimes, that’s what I’m on about.’’

I wasn’t sure where this was going, but Dylan stopped what he was doing to confront Eric. ‘’Stop bitchin around, just spill it’’

Julie and I looked at them then we looked at each other. ‘’Eric-’’ I intervened.

‘’Robyn. She loves you and you treat her like crap.’’ Eric shifted his attention to Julie. ‘’You sure helped real good too.’’

Dylan’s gaze dropped to the floor and he relaxed his tense shoulders immediately, slouching, cracking his knuckles. Julie sighed. ‘’Nice going, idiot.’’

‘’Ah yeah, as if you weren’t aware of that…geez.’’ Eric glanced at me over his shoulder, shaking his head in disbelief with a smirk, and doing a double-take, the change in his expression reflected how I must’ve looked - downright aghast.

Turning back slowly, Eric made himself smaller. ‘’You didn’t know? Are you shitting me?’’


	19. Artifacts

**December 22nd, 1998**  
Three days left for Christmas. I'd planned on doing some last-minute shopping with Julie. I knew Eric would be hanging out with Dylan, most likely doing the same thing. I was still in discomfort from Friday night, even though several days had passed. No answers from Robyn and no calls back either. Eric had dropped us off at Julie's that night and that's when I'd last seen him since. To my rescue, my mom and my brother would be here tomorrow meaning no time to reflect or speculate any further.

I ate breakfast without tasting the food and got ready for Julie to pick me up. Warmth spread in my gut as I thought about spending time with my mom after all these months - preparing food, talking, laughing. I was so ready for her to be here.

A series of honks and Julie was here. Telling Dad I'd be out for a couple of hours, I pulled on my jacket and boots. I was careful not to fall on my butt as I stomped down the pavement, lastly reaching Julie's car.

"Southwest?" 

I faced her. "Yeah, or do you wanna go someplace else?"

"I don't think we have a choice. Southwest will be packed though," She scrunched her nose, displaying the misery at the thought.

"Well, we're not really early birds this year either." I snorted, brushing a few baby hairs out of my face as I shifted my gaze out the window. It was cold as shit, but the sun was out, making it a decent day for December.

"Dylan called me last night."

I shot my eyes her way. "He did?!" 

"Mhm. He said he's not upset with me 'cause I couldn't know. Man… this shit is so awkward now. Our conversation was so weird."

"How so?"

"We used to talk like crazy. We had good chemistry. But now… I don't know. I feel like it's ruined,"

I shook my head, interrupting her. "Don't say that. It'll pass. Give it some time."

She glanced at me, pressing her lips together. "I guess you're right."

"Let's just have fun today. No talk about boys or any of that… stuff." I gestured my hand, brushing it over.

Said and done, we arrived at Southwest Plaza. The parking lot was packed and people were frantic as ever to get those last Christmas presents bought and stuffed under the tree.

"Hell must be just like this." Julie sighed as we entered the mall. Inside was even worse - crying kids, slow walkers, grumpy old people.

We did what we had to do and ended our shopping with coffee. At least for Julie's part; I chose tea.

"You think they're around here somewhere?" Julie took a sip of her cappuccino.

Glancing around, my heart started beating faster. "You make it sound like they're convicted criminals." We both chuckled.

"What I mean is-"

"I get it. No, I haven't seen them around. I know Eric usually shops at that custom t-shirt shop though, or they both do.’’ A quick shrug and a small sip of the tea.

“You think they’ll get us something?’’

Julie peered curiously at me under her bangs and I could see hope growing in her that I’d be fully convinced.

I raised my brows. “The way Dylan looks at you, I’d be surprised if he hadn’t. Eric, I don’t know. I’d be happy if he did.’’ I shrugged, earning an odd look from Julie.

“You don’t know?! Dude, you guys are basically glued to each other and you seriously doubt he’d give you a gift? You know what - kiss my ass.’’

We flipped each other off and I felt a slight mood switch turn my sulkiness off. Something had been rubbing me the wrong way lately, but yet again, I could never put my finger on what. I brushed it off as set back anxiety from Friday.

The afternoon turned to late night, and Julie and I sat on my floor, wrapping Christmas gifts as graciously as we could. We had a talk about Robyn; how her reaction had been legitimate but unpredicted. 

About three hot chocolates and a whole batch of cookies later, Julie left. Her Dad had given her an early Christmas gift this year; a pager. Since he’d found her hanging out a lot more away from home lately, it had been a requirement. Be home at ten, it was.

I was satisfied with the presents I’d managed to buy with my first earned money from Baskin-Robbins. A pair of quality slippers for my Dad since his old ones were worn to the bone. A photo album of my Junior year and a bracelet for Mom; a Sublime t-shirt for Kristoffer and lastly, the best thing I could think of for Eric - a pocket knife.

Putting away the gifts on the desk, my phone rang. I almost tripped over myself on my way to it.

“Helena?’’

_“Hey, it’s me. Is it a bad time?’’_

I broke out in a cheek-aching smile. “No, not at all. What’s up? How was your day?’’

_“Not too bad. I got you a gift.’’_ Now I could hear him smiling too. Most likely a smug smirk.

“Ha! You know what? I got you one too.’’

_“Ah, now you spoiled it. It supposed to be a secret. Can’t believe you sometimes.’’_

We both chuckled - me mostly because of him making a funny voice.

_“Did you hang out with Julie today? Where did you go?’’_

“Southwest. Funny ‘cause we talked about you and Dylan actually, and that we might bump into each other but we didn’t see you there.’’

_“Nah, we went to the strip mall down at Bowles Ave.’’_

“Oh, alright, that makes sense. You totally bought my gift at King Soopers.’’

Another throaty chuckle. _“Shit yeah. I mean why hold any secrets now? I bought off one of those shopping scooters for old people. Now you’ll get around a lot faster. Robbed me of my whole salary but that’s alright.’’_

I busted out in laughter, holding a hand to my chest. “Oh man, you know me better than anyone. My biggest wish was a scooter!’’

_“Yep. That happens a lot. I’m very observant if you hadn’t noticed.’’_

The line went silent.

_“You have a great laugh. It makes me smile a lot.’’_

My heart started pumping faster and my cheeks burned at this point. “You and me both. You make me very happy, Eric.’’

A soft snort on the other end. _“I’m glad I do.’’_

For a brief second, my Dad knocked on my door to tell me goodnight and not to be too long on the phone.

_“Alright, we should hang up. For your Dad’s sake, and my Moms. Can I pick you up tomorrow? What time will your Mom be here?’’_

“They won’t be here until later in the afternoon. The plane lands at 5:30 PM. You can pick me up at… what time is best for you?’’

_“I’ll be outside at 11. Is that alright?’’_

We agreed on eleven, exchanged around ten goodnights, and ‘you hang up first’, before actually hanging up. Cheesy and just like the movies. Perfect.

A good, heartwarming feeling hovered in the air around me as I put the receiver back. It even spread across my chest. I believed this was the time. It had to be the time - the time to tell him I loved him.

**December 23rd, 1998**  
There was plenty of time for breakfast and some TV zapping until the clock turned eleven. Walking to his car, it reminded me of the first time; him in the driver’s seat, music blaring, the sun casting a perfect silhouette of his profile.

“We chose a pretty good day, huh?’’

Sticking my head inside before thumping down in the seat, I exhaled a laugh, bringing some winter breath inside with me. “But a cold one.’’

“Can’t ask for much more in December - hey,’’ Leaning in, he put his arm around me to give me a full-blown kiss. His face was warm against mine, even though I’d only been exposed to the cold for seconds.

“Hi,’’ We smiled into each other’s mouths before we both glanced towards my house to make sure my Dad wasn’t gawking in one of the windows. Looking back at him, he leaned away, eyes still on me. 

“So… where’s my scooter?’’

He chuckled. “Oh, right! We’re going to pick it up right this minute. Buckle up.’’ Shifting his eyes to the road, his smirk remained and today he looked extra sneaky.

“This is gonna be awesome. Can you imagine me in that thing - drifting around in the streets, freaking out the grandmothers? I’d make it to front page in the newspapers, at least.’’ Pretending to be in a dreamy state of mind, I inhaled deeply and exhaled straight after. Peering at Eric, he was on the brim of laughter but had the ‘are you okay’ frown deeply set.

“You’re not in your right mind,’’

“Says who!?’’

“...and that’s probably why I like you.’’

“Really…? Not the hair, not the eyes - just the crippling insanity?’’

He seemed to be thinking it over in a sarcastic manner. “Yep. Not a single doubt.’’

Going down Pierce Street, he put the joke aside, grabbing my hand in his. “Actually, we’re going to get some lunch, and then I thought we could drive somewhere to eat. There’s a nice place just outside of town,’’ He paused to look me over before he continued. “I’m going to my aunt’s for the holidays, so I wanted to make this day special.’’

Rendering the information, I smiled, squeezing his hand lightly. “Sounds good.’’

“I’ll be back before New Years though’’ He shot his eyes at me again. “if you still want to hang out?’’

“Of course! We made plans. I’m sure Julie’s still in too. I wouldn’t recommend inviting Robyn though,’’ Pressing my lips together, I glanced at him with wide eyes, fully aware it wasn’t funny at all.

He snorted, shaking his head. “Nah. Wouldn’t be very smart. Geez… I hope they figure it out before we graduate.’’

“How so?’’

He sighed. “I doubt they’ll ever make anything out of their friendship after.’’

Sucking on my bottom lip, I adjusted myself closer to him. “Hey, have you thought more about what you wanna do - after high school?’’

He wet his lips after gulping, eyes avoiding me. “Something small still. Going to college in town doesn’t seem too bad. I might apply for the Marines though - haven’t really thought it all out yet.’’

I couldn’t help a small frown from forming so I had to look out the window. “Yeah, that could be something.’’

“Dylan’s applied for University of Arizona. Seems like a good decision on his part.’’ His voice was flat; nowhere near excited for his friend.

Ignoring his lack of emotion, I tried my best. “That’s great! I really hope he gets in.’’

Looking slightly bothered, he agreed.

We stopped by at a sandwich place, bought a foot long each and some hot chocolate to go, then we were off to somewhere Eric refused to reveal.

Secretly checking him out while he focused hard on the road, I had a sudden rush of adoration. The hat, the Buffaloes jacket, the signature black cargos…

As I exhaled a laugh, he fixed his eyes on me. "Now what?" 

I shrugged like it was nothing. "You look hot as hell today, that's all."

He laughed out in slight shock. "What?!"

"You look hot!" 

"I can accept handsome. Hot sounds like I'm in one of those gay boybands."

I leaned over so I could be inches away from his face and he side-eyed me without flinching. Fighting to hold back laughter, I whispered. "You're hot. Deal with it."

"Geez, you're feisty these days. Been hanging out with Julie much?" He chuckled as I thumped back into my seat, smacking him on the arm. 

"Yeah, she said to tell you she misses you very much," I grinned and Eric huffed to let me know he’d already caught up on the sarcasm.

Eric drove us north, going through Denver metro before the city thinned out. 

“Wait, we’re almost in Aurora. Where the heck are we going?’’ I smiled cautiously, searching through the scenery outside. There wasn’t much time for Eric to answer until he took a right turn for Bluff Lake Park. 

I shifted my eyes to him. “A lake?’’ 

“Yep. I’ve never been here before but I found it on the map yesterday so I figured it’d be cool to check it out and so far, it looks decent.’’

Pressing myself against the window, he was right. It looked super pretty already and we were only in a graveled parking lot. The car stopped and we both got out, Eric carrying our lunch. 

The snow crunched under my feet as I joined him on the other side of the car, breathing in the crisp air. He put his arm around me to pull me to him as we started strolling down a trail. 

Even though the trees were stripped naked by the harsh winter, they still covered the trail beautifully. “No way - this is neat!’’ I bent my head back, taking in the view. As I turned to look at him, he had a coy smile on his lips, the tip of his nose already blushed from the cold.

“There’s the big pool - right there.’’ After some minutes of walking, the tree alley shifted to an open space, giving you the ideal view over the lake. Interrupting me in my daydreams, Eric kissed my hair. “We can walk out on that,’’ Pausing to point, he led my eyes to a small-scaled pier leading out over the lake. “It should qualify.’’

“Are you kidding, it’s almost disgusting how perfect this is,’’ I laughed and he chuckled too, pulling me in closer.

The wood complained as we walked onto the pier, making it clear we were the first ones to walk on it for some time. The snow was untouched and I focused on not slipping. Eric had surely thought this through as he’d even brought a blanket for us to sit on on the bench. We let the silence become us as we dug into our food. Peeking at Eric, I could tell he was long gone in his usual pondering, gazing out at the frozen water.

Last night’s thoughts emerged as I studied his profile. Love. Yes, that’s exactly what I felt for him. Actual love.

“Your ears look cold.’’ 

He glanced at me, eyebrows raised. “Yeah, finally you say something - they’ve been numb for the past hour,’’

“Ha-ha…’’ I retorted, rolling my eyes but couldn’t stop a smile from appearing. He was smirking too, and it made it almost impossible to hold back the impulse of what I wanted to say.

Eric stood up, breaking me away from the thoughts. “Come on, let’s go out on the lake.’’ His eyes were shimmering with mischief as our eyes connected. 

“Now?! What if it breaks?’’ The concern in my voice was ridiculous and it showed in Eric’s expression. 

“Are you serious - it’s been below fifteen for a month. It’s pretty much impossible, I assure you.’’

Narrowing my eyes, I let him drag me with him unwillingly. “How can you be completely sure?’’

“Well,’’ Letting go of me to climb over the fence, I charged forward to grab him by the jacket. 

“You’re out of your mind!’’ 

With his face inches away from mine, I could study every detail of his eyes, burning with thrill. “But you trust me, right?’’

I released my grip, and with grace, he landed steadily on the ice. He barely even slipped and I finally let go of my breath. Peering up at me, he smirked. “See - rock solid. Come on down.’’

The thought of this as a very bad idea sped past in my head before I simply gave in to the impulse. I cautiously searched our surroundings with a brief glance as I climbed over before pausing to look down at Eric. If someone caught us in the act, we’d probably be in trouble. At the same time as I shut out any further worry, I jumped. Eric was right there to catch me as I almost fell over upon landing. “You’re calling me insane when you’re the one taking a jump with your eyes closed - geez!’’ He chuckled, pulling me into him for a kiss.

I laughed too, painting the situation a little bit too dramatic. “Well damn it - it’s not every day you take a leap for death,’’

My words of choice seemed to kill off Eric’s smile for a second, barely noticeable before he regained a causal expression. “Let’s walk further out,’’ 

I made the immediate conclusion that I would remember his reaction just now. Sometimes he behaved weirdly or diverted the whole conversation. This was a prime example of it.

“Eric,’’ I had to stop him in his tracks and he turned to me again, confident in making eye contact. 

“Are you cold?’’

“No… no, that’s not it.’’ My heart started beating faster and suddenly, I had trouble breathing or even forming words in my mouth. My throat was dry as a desert as I swallowed to gain confidence. My eyes spoke of the opposite and it took well enough time to make Eric lose his face and seem concerned, grabbing my hand.

“Is something wrong?’’

One harsh sigh and a determent eye flick to meet his gaze. 

“I love you, Eric.’’

If his face hadn’t been pale before, it was completely drained of blood now. I’d never seen him look so distressed and it jabbed me in the gut. Holy shit, he doesn’t love me back. His lips parted but no sound came out yet he didn’t break his eyes away from me, seeming to desperately figure something out.

“I’m sorry if that’s too much I-’’

“It’s not too much,’’ He interrupted me abrupt and my eyes were wide as plates as I continued studying his reaction; his every move. I couldn’t read him for the life of me and the chuckle didn’t make it easier. 

He narrowed his eyes as the color came back to his cheeks, pupils dilating. “Are you sure? You’re not just saying this - for whatever reason...?’’

My mouth fell open, trying to understand where he was coming from. “Why would I say it if I didn’t mean it?’’

He blinked, flexing his jaw. I knew this look from times before; the uncertainty beamed like a flashlight. I stopped thinking and wrapped my arms around him and it didn’t take long until I felt his arms around me too. Pressing my eyes shut, I could hear his rapid heartbeat and how he seemed almost unfamiliar in our embrace. 

Then there it was; he nuzzled into my neck, warming my skin with his breath. “I do love you too.’’ His voice was timid, almost not sounding like himself.

Parting from him, I had to release a snort. “So now it’s my turn to ask you - are you sure?’’

His eyes met mine with a new intensity. They spoke of so much but I couldn’t make anything out of it as I was blinded by my utter fear of being rejected. In a matter of seconds, something seemed to settle inside him, and he grew a content smile. 

“Take my word for it.’’

I wasn’t convinced, but I would never tell him that.

We went back to the car shortly after and a drape of ambiguity hung over me like a cloud. I was probably being dramatic, but Eric had felt avoidant on the way back. I entered the car first, watching his firm expression in the rearview as he opened the trunk before it disappeared behind the Rammstein sticker. I flicked my eyes away and out the window, reliving the moment on the ice again. Footsteps approached in the snow, and he opened the door to get inside. The cold air brushed against my cheek as well as his scent, causing me to look over.

There he was; a gift in his lap, wrapped in bright red paper and a sincere smile on his face. “It’s not a scooter but I thought you’d like it anyway.’’ He expanded it to me and I darted my eyes to meet his.

I could only respond with a growing smile as I grabbed it to gawk at it in my lap. “You really got me a gift,’’

“Sure - I told you.’’

Stroking the wrapping, I noticed how carefully folded it was; the glittery black ribbon matching the red paper flawlessly. I was about to start picking at the tape when Eric spoke.

"I'm sorry if it got weird back there. I'm new to all this," He shifted his eyes from my lap to lock them with mine. "The love stuff. I've never loved someone who wasn't family - hell, I don't know if I love some people in my family even." His jaw flexed, eyes failing to maintain eye contact. I picked up on a small smile twitching on his lips before I blinked.

"Hey-" I leaned closer to him, taking one of his hands in mine. "I'm new to this too. I've said it before, we're in this shit together." Smiling, I bent my head forward to seek his gaze and he caught up on it right away, giving me his typical intense stare. It wasn't angry; only vulnerable.

He exhaled a laugh, smirking lopsided. "Yeah, this shit huh. Alright, open your gift. Can't wait for your reaction." He squeezed my hand once before he let me have it back and I immediately resumed the unwrapping.

It didn't take long until I'd revealed the content before my eyes. "No way!" I exclaimed. "No freaking way!"

John Bauer’s art portfolio - all in one thick, leather-covered book.

“How did you-?!’’

“I found it online. I thought ‘oh man this is perfect for Helena’, so I bought it a while back. Do you like it?’’

“Eric, I love it!’’ Pressing it against my chest, I felt like I was glowing.

A proud smile grew on his lips and he looked genuinely happy, maybe even a little nervous.

“Thank you.’’ I held the book against my chest with one hand so I could lean over and kiss him. It was one of those lingering kisses, where you could almost hear each other’s heartbeats. Parting from him, I bit my lip, smiling and at further thought, I narrowed my eyes. “But wait… you said ‘a while’...? You told me you got me a gift yesterday.’’

“Technically, yes. But I never mentioned when.’’

I hummed, pursing my lips. “Sneaky. And very observant - you remembered my love for Bauer.’’ I was impressed to say the least. “So,’’ I paused to clear my throat, sitting up straight, pleased and projected. “I got you something too.’’

Reaching inside my jacket, I revealed the little gift box, wrapped in black paper; no ribbon, and seeing Eric’s eyebrow shoot to his forehead in eager surprise, I understood he hadn’t believed me when I said I’d bought him one.

“I think I know you’ll like this just as much as I liked my gift - if not, then I guess I have no idea who you are.’’

We both chuckled and Eric grabbed the gift from my hand. “Black paper too - that’s cool.’’ He studied the box carefully as if he had to comprehend this was my gift to him. The wrapping was off in a second, and the wooden box underneath didn’t tell of much, until he opened it. 

Inside was a black, steel-brushed pocket knife. “You gotta be shitting me…’’ 

He looked back at me like I was insane as he took the knife out of the box. “Holy crap, this is awesome!’’ He let his mouth fall open, chuckling as he inspected the knife in awe. “Seems you know me better than I thought - thank you.’’

Like two lovebirds, we kissed again, and this time the kiss was even more intense as he pressed himself against my lips hard. Warm vibration went through my abdomen, reminding me about my feelings for him. Pulling back, he darted his eyes at the knife again. “This is one of the nicest gifts I’ve ever received.’’

I smiled. “It fits you. And I’m not gonna lie, Dad kinda helped me pick it out,’’ Eric shifted his eyes to me. “He thought it was a great idea - very handy.’’

“Your Dad’s real cool - tell him I said thank you.’’

“We should go hiking someday in spring and you can bring that with you - to protect me from bears, remember?’’

He smirked but his gaze wandered a thousand yards out the window. “Oh, I could’ve done that without a knife,’’ 

Closing my eyes, exhaling a good-natured laugh, I nodded. “Yeah, of course. Totally forgot.’’ I was still holding on to the book, pressed against my chest. “I hope you understand how happy I am about this book.’’ As he zoned back in, we locked eyes and he cracked a coy smile. 

“Thank God, I was afraid you’d hate it.’’

I could’ve sat there for hours in his car with him; counting his eyelashes, kiss every mole in his face. But despite my love for him, I felt uneasy. I wanted to ask him so much, but my courage failed me. I didn’t want to feel like I bothered him with stupid questions.

**Eric. 5:47 PM.**  
_Back home in his driveway. _

_The scent of her lingered in the car. He looked over to the passenger seat, imagining her still sitting there. It made him smile for a split second; her beaming eyes as she’d opened her gift. She’d be at the airport by now._

_It had to be over now; this had to be it. She loved him, and he wanted to love her back so badly. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt explosive anger, like times before when he’d just wanted to split someone’s head open. She made him calm, or calmer, at least. She brought him pure-hearted affection, and he couldn’t refuse._

_His mind raced back to Dylan. Like an uninvited guest, he barged inside his head, mercilessly. Flexing his jaw, memories made themselves known as well. Memories that went further than Helena; the arrest in January, the humiliation, the diversion program, medication, bullying._

_He ripped off his hat, throwing it in frustration in between the windshield and dashboard. The calm state of mind was completely down the drain, and he couldn’t even control it - as if it was driven by a machine. What the fuck was wrong with him? He was exhausted. He didn’t want the hate and fear controlling him anymore._

_Glancing at the time, he wet his lips. Kathy would be home. He’d have to wait in the car a few minutes longer to let the red rage in his face fade_


	20. Holidays

**December 24th, 1998.**

Waking up this day wasn’t hard. I was on my feet the same second I opened my eyes. They were here, it was real - my mom and Kristoffer.

As soon as I stepped outside my room, I knew someone was awake, the smell of fresh coffee brushing against me. The sight I was met by down in the kitchen was so unfamiliar I had to stop in my tracks and stare for a while. They hadn’t noticed me yet; Dad and my Mom, sitting by the table, engaged in hushed chit-chatting. The smile on Dad’s face as they laughed together told me everything.

I walked in on them, wearing a beaming smile. Stopping in front of the cabinets, I opened and reached for a bowl. “Morning!’’

They greeted me at the same time and following me with his gaze, I suspected Dad knew I’d been around for longer than I made it seem. “You’re unusually cheerful this morning.’’ Raising his coffee mug for a sip, he confirmed my suspicion with a coy smile.

“Liar. I’m like this every morning.’’ I took the opportunity to wink at him as Mom glanced out the window, and he choked on his coffee.

“Better go easy on that coffee, Dad.’’ 

His eyes were twice the size as I joined them by the table, however Mom didn’t seem to pick up on our jargon. 

Turning to me, Mom gave me a motherly rub on the arm. “Did you sleep alright, honey?’’

“Yeah, it was a good sleep.’’

“I was thinking that maybe,’’ She glanced at Dad. ‘’You’d like to help me with preparations today?’’

“Are you kidding! I’ve seriously been longing for this - of course I’ll help.’’ Mom and Dad chuckled, and so did I.

“We were thinking of getting a tree as well - as soon as Kristoffer wakes up.’’

I flashed my eyes at both of them. “No way! We haven’t done that since Kris and I were kids.’’

My parents darted their eyes at each, sitting back in their chairs as if they’d been stunned by a wave of old memories and I immediately dreaded the silence about to come. Just in time, Kristoffer opened the basement door, dragging his feet into the kitchen. 

Raising his cup, Dad put on a fast smile. “Hey, Kris - morning. There’s coffee.’’ 

“Morning. Morning, sis.’’ Walking past me, he rubbed his hand on my head intending to mess up my hair.

“Thanks - now I look like you.’’ I frowned, referring to the bird’s nest in his hair.

He did a quick nod, cracking a smug smile. “Congratulations - I know that’s been your goal for a long time.’’ I stopped chewing to make a face at him and Dad put his mug down a little too hard, scaring both me and Mom. “Alright now,’’ 

You could tell the situation spooked him, and frankly, I couldn’t blame him. None of us were used to family banter - not like this. 

“Relax, Dad. It’s all love.’’ Kris blew me a kiss before taking a sip of his coffee, leaning against the counter, safely six feet away from me.

He eventually joined us by the table and we ate, joked, laughed, and recalled old memories until it was time to get a move on. Kris had us waiting way too long as he got ready, spending way too much time on both clothes and hair in case he’d potentially bump into ‘hotties’ - in the woods, looking for a Christmas tree.

Kris and I hadn’t exactly connected during childhood, ever, but a part of me was intrigued to now. He was the complete opposite of me; unruly, strongly opinionated, and confident. It’d be wrong to claim I didn’t possess the slightest confidence, but Kris was on another level.

The day went by fast and it was over in a heartbeat. Next thing I knew, me, Kris, and Mom were roaming around in the kitchen, prepping food for Christmas day.

Swedish dishes, our usual American ones, cookies, and eggnog - options were endless and the mouth-watering smells and intimate atmosphere made my heart swell. Now, Kris might’ve been a troublemaker for the most part, but he sure knew how to help, and cook. Watching Mom and him together, their dynamic reminded me of mine and my Dad’s.

We were seated in the living room playing cards when the phone rang. Dad looked at me, and I looked at him, mild panic flashed across my face. With flustered cheeks, I hurried to the kitchen. If it was really him, I’d be so shy to tell Mom, and I would never hear the end of it from Kris.

“Helena.’’

_“Man oh man is it nice hearing your voice! What’s up?’’_

I exhaled louder than I intended to, folding my free arm over my chest as I curved a smile. “Evan! I’m really good - I miss you. How are you? And Terry?’’

_“I miss you too, dude. Dad and I are alright. He’s doing a lot better lately. Listen, I was thinking we should meet up someday after Christmas. I called Julie earlier and she’s down. I’m thinking I’ll bring Chris too.’’_

“That sounds great. We could go like bowling or play pool or something.’’

_“Yeah, that’s what I’m thinking too. And… I don’t wanna upset you but I kinda have to mention it. Jeremy’s been hitting me up, he’s called the house a few times. He’s been asking about you, mostly.’’_

My heart dropped. “Evan! Please.’’

_“Sorry. I know what’s up between you two but, I figured I’d tell you anyway. Probably shouldn’t have, I’m sorry.’’_

I swallowed, darting my eyes at my reflection in the window. “Did you talk to him?’’

_“Uh- yeah, we talked, but it didn’t exactly feel right. I know he’s been a dick to you so - forget I mentioned it.’’_

“It’s fine. I just don’t understand why he would call you. No offense, Evan, I-’’

_“The dude’s clearly desperate, and he’s shit at hiding it. I don’t even think he has any intention of hiding anything either - I mean, calling me is weird to start with.’’_

Kris entered the kitchen on his way straight to me. It surprised me when he passed me to grab something from the fridge without the slightest glance.

“Thank you for telling me about this. Just don’t mention it again, okay?’’

_“You got it. Are your mom and brother there yet?’’_

Kris passed me again, this time brushing his hand on top of my head like earlier. I winced as I suppressed a grunt, swinging in the air at him. “Yeah, they got here yesterday.’’

_“Tell them I said hi,’’_ Killing Kris with a single look, I internally decided to exclude him from Evan’s greeting. _“And Helena - again, I’m sorry.’’_

“Don’t worry about it, Evan. Wish Terry a good Christmas from me and I’ll see you in a couple of days, alright?’’

_“I’ll tell him. Good night amiga. See you around.’’_

Great - now Jeremy was harassing Evan too. What a fucking loser; he had to be socially retarded. I thought twice about not slamming the receiver back to its place and took a breather before joining my family again. 

“Was that Evan? How is he doing?’’ 

Predictably, Mom had heard me on the phone.

Plastering on the most sincere smile I could manage, I exhaled, plunging down on the couch next to Dad. “He’s fine, he says hi. Apparently, Terry’s doing a lot better.’’

“Good for him,’’ Dad added, and Mom just tilted her head, smiling sympathetically as mothers do. Kris sat in the armchair, playing at it with an annoying smirk.

Picking up my pile, I raised it to shield myself, aimlessly searching through the cards. “Alright, whose turn is it?’’

**

**December 25th, 1998.**

Christmas was Christmas; it felt like every year except this year, Dad and I weren’t alone and we’d gone all out on the decorations.

We’d placed the tree in a good spot in the living room, now glistening with a garland, lights, and countless ornaments. Dad and I had decorated the house with lights two weeks prior, and now the inside finally matched the exterior.

I’d been woken up by Figaro this morning, purposely trying to scratch his way through my door. He wasn’t used to being locked out, but after Evan’s call last night, I hadn’t even wanted my precious cat around. Sitting on the couch, dissociating, I made it up to him now, scratching his ears as he was loafing on my stomach.

I reminded myself that I had yet to tell Mom about Eric. She didn’t know yet. Was it even a big deal? I was so distracted by the thought of Jeremy that it didn’t feel like it anyway.

The rest of the house woke up around an hour later. We ate a huge breakfast together in the living room, watched National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation on TV and had a good-natured argument about when to open our presents. I was stoked to see their reactions to everything, especially my Moms. I’d promised to send her photos every month of this term, which I hadn’t; she’d be happy to realize I’d bundled them up into a whole album instead.

“Alright sis, time to spill the beans. What’s Junior year like so far?’’ 

Ready to plaster on a scowl, I was surprised to hear a genuine interest in Kris’s voice. We were alone in the living room, me, curled up in the corner of the couch, and him vedged out in the armchair. Mom and Dad had gone out for a walk that we both had refused to join.

“I guess it’s alright. How’s college?’’

“Ah ya know - lots of beer, lots of chicks.’’

I grimaced. “Uh-huh.’’

“Is there a boyfriend I should know of?’’ 

My heart rate tripled in speed, heating my cheeks. “Uh- what’s it to you?’’ 

Pretending to be crucially interested in the talk show on TV, I struggled to keep a straight face with my heart pounding in my chest, when a sudden laugh came from Kris. 

“Look at your face! Don’t tell me it’s that one kid- what’s his name… Jeremy?’’

“No!’’ I sneered, aiming mean eyes at him. We were both startled by my reaction and I darted my gaze back at the TV.

Kris’s smile was long gone. “Okay, relax. What did I do?’’

“It’s not you. It’s a long story and I don’t even wanna hear his name.’’

He twisted uncomfortably, sat up straight and leaned over, scratching his neck. “What happened?’’

“Another time, Kris. And yeah, I do have-’’ I paused mid-sentence to survey my wording. “Someone I like.’’

Sitting back again, he folded his arms. “And that is…?’’ 

“Eric. His name is Eric and you wouldn’t know who it is. I think.’’

Nodding, he seemed pleased with the answer. “Okay. Is he nice to you at least?’’

I recognized my father inside his wide brown eyes as he peered at me through long lashes and it eased me. A feeling washed over me; as annoying as he sometimes was, he was my brother after all and he cared.

“He’s a nice kid. Dad likes him too.’’

A toothful smile stretched his lips. “That settles it. I assume he’s in your class?’’ 

“He’s a senior.’’ I noticed I was being unnecessarily short in tone with him, but I couldn’t help it. 

“Ooh-la-la-’’

The front door opened and Mom and Dad were back. 

“You guys sure missed out. It’s a cold but beautiful day. We walked by your school-’’ 

Dissociating again as my mind latched onto Eric this time, Mom’s voice faded out. Kris looked disappointed we couldn’t finish our conversation but winked at me as he stood up, walking away, leaving me sitting alone with my thoughts.

**

_ **Eric, Christmas Eve.** _

_Being close around his family made him uncomfortable this Christmas. For reasons._

_At times he felt like he was floating outside his body, as if he was watching himself on the couch, apathetically studying everyone around him. Life seemed so easy for them. Normal. He had such a hard time creating a pathway to that life in his head._

_Kevin came walking towards him to join him on the couch. “What’s up, bro? Any good movies?’’_

_Eric assumed he meant on TV, averting his eyes to the on-going program. “Meh. Haven’t really been paying attention. Maybe there is- I don’t know.’’_

_A nudge to his arm made him look at Kevin. _

_“You okay? You seem off.’’_

_No, life is shit. “Yeah, I’m alright. How’s college treatin’ you?’’_

_Kevin folded his arms, getting comfier as the suspicion subsided, to Eric’s relief. “Real good actually. I’m enjoying the major I chose. It’s a liberating feeling, man… realizing you’ve picked the right path.’’_

_Eric remained unchanged in his reaction to Kevin’s words through his mind. He snorted. “Yeah, I bet so.”_

_“What about you? Decided on any colleges yet?”_

_Eric scratched himself on the temple, forcing interest into the conversation. In reality, it sucked the life out of him. “I don’t know, man. I’m still thinking about the Marines as a first choice.’’_

_Kevin chuckled. “Dad will be happy to hear that. Mom - not so much.’’_

_“Yeah, I’m aware. That’s why I’m struggling I guess.’’_

_Kevin nodded. “I could help you out - give you some advice on colleges worth taking a look at.’’_

_Eric was going to start feeling nauseous soon if he didn’t find a way to change the subject, but he knew how to fake it all too well at this point. With a smirk, he gave an affirming nod back as he raised his brows. “That’d be real cool if you could.’’_

_The silence wasn’t too long until Kevin spoke again. _

_“So, you know how Mom can’t keep secrets right?’’_

_Eric darted his eyes back at Kevin who was smirking like crazy. _

_“Ah geez, now what.’’_

_Kevin couldn’t contain his chuckle as he leaned forward. “Well, I heard you brought home a girl - is it true?’’ _

_The thought of Helena made his cheeks warm. “I bet you wanna know huh?’’_

_“Sure as hell I do!’’ Kevin’s voice was hushed but engaging._

_Eric tried keeping his cool, picking at his hands, carelessly looking at the TV while his heart was fluttering in his chest. “Her name’s Helena.’’_

_“She hot?’’_

_Eric frowned, eventually letting a small smirk through as Kevin gave him a playful nudge. _

_“Sure. She’s gorgeous. But there's more to her. She’s real fun to hang out with- she ain’t like other girls.’’_

_Kevin puffed up his chest, putting a heavy hand on Eric’s shoulder. “Sounds like you’ve met your high school sweetheart, bro.’’ _

_Eric side-eyed him._

_"Oh and by the way - apparently I used to play with her brother when we were kids. Mom's inviting them for dinner. Including your girlfriend." He finished with a wink, standing up, shoving his hands in his jean pockets._

_"Her brother and Mom live in Sweden, dude."_

_"Yeah, so that's why it's already planned." Kevin started walking off to the kitchen, wearing a huge grin._

_"What?!"_

**

**Helena, that same evening.**

Dishes were sent back and forth over the table. Kris's plate was overfilled and so was Dads. The candles set in the middle of the table enhanced the festive feeling to a deep extent, and we were all in the right spirit. Kris and Dad kept telling each other corny jokes and Mom and I joined in from time to time. 

Dad stopped chewing, holding the fork in the air. "Okay, this is a good one - how do you make holy water?"

Kris and I glanced at each other, almost cracking up and Mom rolled her eyes as she smiled. 

"You boil the hell out of it!" 

I snorted loudly, Kris scoffed and Dad maintained a whole-hearted chuckle at his joke without shame.

"Ahhh, so now we know why Helena's the way she is - they must've forgotten to boil the water that day." Kris clapped a mocking pat on my shoulder and I rolled my eyes at him.

"I wasn't even baptized, doofus. But A for effort, Kris." I pulled a similar move on him by patting him on the back and his smile died down.

"Helena," Dad interrupted the moment and I shifted my attention to him. Mom was already looking at me, undoubtedly hiding something under her growing smile.

"What…?"

"Ohhh, here it goes." 

I frowned without looking at Kris. He was probably just being an idiot as usual. 

"I met Wayne Harris by the strip mall a few days back," 

My heart was already racing by the second he'd said 'Harris'.

"Oh?"

Mom straightened her back to lean against the table. "Roger told me you've met Eric." Her smile was genuine; not the slightest upset. Meanwhile, my heart was making its way out of my chest. "And Kris used to play with his older brother Kevin when they were kids, before we put Kris in another school." 

The suspense threatened to kill me and I was confused, to say the least, shifting my eyes around my family.

"Alright, let's get to the point - we're having dinner with the Harrises. There." Kris blurted out and I couldn't stop a gasp from slipping past my lips.

"Kris…!" Mom and Dad admonished simultaneously.

I exhaled a laugh in shock. "Wait, what! I didn't even tell Mom yet…’’ My face transformed into a frown. “Dad!"

"Well, I-" He scratched the back of his head, avoiding my eyes.

Keeping a blank stare at him, I sat back in the chair dramatically. "Alright so remind me to never tell you any secrets again. Ever." I folded my arms. "But yeah - mom, I'm seeing a boy. His name's Eric Harris, as you already know, apparently…" I spit out the last word as I gave Dad a mean glance before continuing my plate and Mom closed her eyes with a sigh as she sensed my disappointment.

"Hey," Dad leaned over to put his hand on my shoulder. "I'm very sorry, Helena. It wasn't my secret to tell. Bad of me." I dragged my gaze to look at him and his kind eyes struck me with immediate sincerity.

Narrowing my eyes, I pursed my lips. "See this face? Note it as a threat of me hiding the shovel next time it snows.’’

He darted his hand to his chest, faking being stabbed in the heart and we killed off the sulky mood by cracking up together.

Things were still unspoken though; Mom knew I dated Eric.

"Honey, I'm very happy for you. Dad and I thought it'd be a good thing to meet him, and his parents. I think I remember the mother's name was-" She paused, squinting her eyes as if to think clearer, and Dad filled in. 

"Katherine." 

"Yes - Katherine! As I remember it she was very, very sweet. Wayne however was a bit stern." Mom glanced at Dad and they exchanged a look I couldn't read making Dad’s raised his eyebrows for a short second, cocking his head.

"Wayne has his ways. But he has two very well-behaved boys, I'll give him that." 

I tuned in. "Kathy's super nice. I've stayed for dinner twice and I like both his parents."

"Is Eric a junior as well?"

I gulped as Mom glued her eyes on me. "Um- no he's a senior."

"Oh! Graduating this spring then? Did he pick a college?"

Fidgeting my hands in my lap, I wet my lips as I pushed hair behind my ear. "No, not yet. He's thinking about joining the Marines but I don't know- I'm trying to support him to pick a college instead. He has talked some about a computer program,"

Mom's eyes grew wider as she listened in. "Mmh- why the Marines?"

Eric holding the carbine at Rampart Range flashed by in my head along with my partaking and I almost choked on my saliva. "I haven't really asked. I think it might have something to do with his Dad being in the Air Force. An interest, I guess."

"You should talk him into college- it'll be better for him." 

Stretching a faint smile, I agreed.

"So he's like an army dude?" 

I scoffed at Kris's question. "What on earth is an army dude?" 

"Ya know - guns, ammo, action!"

Struggling to keep a tough facade, I snorted again. "Uhh no- he plays Doom if that's anything." 

"Yeah?! That's a cool game actually. Hmm, maybe we'll get along. Too bad- I was planning on kicking his ass." I landed a decent smack on his arm, stirring a mischievous laugh from him as he leaned away. 

"What's wrong with you?!"

"Kris, please!" Mom rebuked. "You're not being nice." 

Still chuckling, he looked offended. "I'm just kidding- jesus."

"Quit it, Kris," Dad ordered, killing off Kris's smugness in the blink of an eye.

The evening proceeded smoothly after that; matters were aired out and we finally grew comfortable as a family - wholesome sarcasm and jokes all around.

Mom was hysterical about her gift and Kris was genuinely thankful for his t-shirt and to everyone’s surprise, he even reached for a hug. Dad put on his slippers right away, throwing the old ones in the trash. My gift from both my parents almost had me in tears; a brand new hand-held video recorder. Even Kris had been in on the idea and I learned they’d gone together to buy it right before Christmas. Hyped to get it started, I read through the whole manual in an hour.

We finished the evening with board games, tea, and gingerbread cookies. Deciding to head for bed around midnight, Mom and I talked in my room after brushing our teeth. She sat at the foot of my bed, and I was curled up under the covers, propped up on my elbow.

“Remember the last time at the airport? You’re always so stressed out!’’ 

She pressed her lips together, blinking. “You’re right. I guess it’s time for me to cut the cord- you’re almost 17,’’ Then she sighed. “God, I can barely believe it.’’ She glanced around my room, stopping at the ceiling. “However,’’ She pointed to the glow-in-the-dark-stars. “I don’t think those qualify for a 17-year old.’’ 

Snorting, I rolled my eyes and we chuckled together. “Yeah, I need to take those down. I like them though- I still remember when you put them up.’’

Mom glanced down at me, remembrance creasing her eyes into a smile. “Me too, sweetie.’’ She rubbed her on my leg over the blanket, swiftly changing face. “Helena, I hate to snoop, but are you staying safe?’’

It took me a second to make sense of what she meant and I squeezed my eyes shut. “Mom.’’

“I know, I know. But it’s important. From what I know, you’ve never had a boyfriend, and at the age you’re both in I-’’

I inhaled deeply, darting up in a sitting position to blurt out. ‘’Mom! Whatever you believe, it hasn’t happened yet. There’s that.’’

Blinking, she nodded. “Okay! That’s… good!’’ 

“And as far as cutting the cord goes- we both know how it works with all the things that come with… that.’’

“Point taken.’’

I wasn’t entirely mortified but definitely flustered. I suspected Dad had asked for help raising this subject since he hadn’t done it himself. It made sense but my valuable privacy remained intruded nonetheless.

Standing to her feet, she leaned down to place a light kiss on my hair, brushing a hand over my cheek. “I hope you understand this wasn’t meant to embarrass you in any way,’’

“I do, but-’’

“It’s embarrassing, I know. Kris didn’t let me inside his room for days after I had the talk with him. I’d say you handled it pretty well, and hopefully, I’m allowed inside your room again,’’ Seeking validation, she peered at me hopefully, smiling soothingly. 

I cracked up. “Okay, now that’s hilarious.’’

“He’s not so tough after all.’’ We shared a moment before she left my room after whispering goodnight. 

Her words got me thinking. Was anyone ever tough, after all? At the end of the day, I thought nobody. Nobody could be tough to the bone. A shell to come off as a mean machine could be built up undoubtedly, but deep down? Not a chance. Apart from my brother, I thought about Eric. He palpably dressed to be intimidating; sunglasses, and even a trenchcoat. But the more I knew him, the more I saw him. He wasn’t all that; sometimes his eyes screamed of vulnerability. The trick was to recognize it because frankly, he hid it well. Julie had a hard time seeing him in the light I saw him. To her, his shell seemed unbreakable.

Six more days and he’d be home again.


	21. Holidays Pt. 2

**December 29th.**

All set and ready, I pulled my jacket on as I halfway stumbled out the door. "See you guys later!"

There was no time for anyone in my family to answer before the door was shut and I hurried to my car. It looked completely frozen to the ground and I dreaded taking a seat in it for the first time in days.

I pulled my gloves on before unlocking and stepping inside. The constant fog clouds coming from my breaths seemed to grow even bigger inside the car as if it had stored the cold, punishing me for leaving it sitting a longer time than usual. "Alright, be kind to me, baby," I whispered to myself as I checked the gearbox before starting it up, and to my surprise, it started right away without complaints.

After getting the ice off the windows, I pulled out the driveway and focused on getting the heat up. The first stop was Evan's house to pick up him and Chris. We'd meet up with Julie at the bowling alley.

"Jesus Frick, it's cold as shit!" Evan groaned as he entered the passenger's side, quick to shut the door. Chris took a seat in the back greeting me with a lingering glance.

"What's up, guys." I beamed as Evan and I grabbed a hold of each other in a hug. He was wearing a huge smile, as always.

"We're good, man. I'm stoked for tonight! Been counting the days."

"Yeah, indeed you have," Chris sighed as if to say it'd been actual hell and we all laughed.

"Have you been hanging out a lot?" I glanced over at Evan and then at Chris in the rearview to make him feel included. Driving off, I kept our destination in mind.

"Yeah, pretty much every day since Christmas Eve. It's been fun huh, Chris?" 

"A blast." The sarcasm was smeared all over his face but I could tell it was all in good humor as the mood was through the roof in the car. Maybe more for me and Evan than for Chris, though.

"Alright, are we playing teams?! I guess it'll be you and me, and Julie and Chris. Or are we doing it the other way around?"

"I'll team up with Chris!" I exclaimed, catching his eyes in the mirror.

A faint smile grew on his lips and I shifted my eyes out the windshield to focus on the road. "Sure, that could work."

"So how's Eric? He could have joined us tonight if he wanted." Uncertainty sounded in Evan's voice and I could feel his brown eyes on me. Glancing at him, we both smirked.

"He's good. He's in Fort Collins, celebrating Christmas with family. He told me to say hi." 

"Oh, cool. Tell him hi back. By the way, I feel like I need to hang out with him someday. I've barely spoken to the dude and he's dating you!" 

I could feel Chris's eyes burn me through the mirror again but I looked at Evan instead. "Why don't you join us for New Years? It'll be at one of his friends' houses. Chris, you can come too." I said as I twisted slightly to get a better look at him. He seemed a little struck.

"Uh- maybe."

"I'll be there if it's alright with his buddy or whoever it is hosting the party- you could ask him or I'll just do it myself." 

A tense silence fell over us, but I smiled anyway. "Of course."

The rest of the ride to the bowling alley was weird though Evan never lost his good mood, and at one point he started the radio, cranking up the volume loud enough to blow our eardrums out. 

Julie waited for us at the entrance when we arrived. 

Parking and stepping out of the car, she hadn’t seen us yet. “Okay you look hot as hell." I complimented loudly as we approached her from behind her back and she turned on her heel to throw herself in my arms.

"Ahhh, babe!" 

"Do I get an aahh babe-hug as well?" Evan reached out his arms, wearing an amused smile, and Julie rolled her eyes.

"Sure why not- hi, Chris." She waved before hugging Evan. Chris waved back and then we proceeded to our reserved lanes. We explained the teams for Julie and she whined over how we were supposed to be girls against boys.

"Oh come on, get with the gender equality program." Evan teased, nudging her as we changed our shoes. Julie gave him a look that could kill and scoffed. "You better be good at this."

"Pinky swear!" 

After locking their pinkies together, we went to pick out bowling balls for our preference. Our game had already started so we had to hurry. Julie was the first one to throw in their lane and Chris in ours. Evan and I talked about how Christmas had been for us and what gifts we’d received. Evan, Julie and I had a tradition - we never gave each other presents. Instead, each of us came up with an individual plan for an activity we could do together; bowling tonight was an exception. We’d have to present our ideas to each other at the latest first week in January, right as school started. That was the deal since three years back.

Seated next to Evan, I scoped the alley for people. Just as I was to turn my head back, a familiar face flashed by in the crowd of people a few lanes down.

_Robyn._

My heart suddenly weighed twenty pounds in my chest and I snapped my eyes at Julie who'd just gotten her first strike, rocking a glistening smile. We locked eyes and that same smile faded. As if through telepathy, she glanced around, and then her eyes grew twice the size as well.

"Hey, Helena- it's your turn." Chris ripped me back to reality by poking me on the shoulder. I shot up from my seat and passed Julie on the way. 

"Go fucking figure!" She hissed through her teeth and I struggled to pick up the ball with my trembling hands. The sweat caused my first throw to be complete shit, and I hid behind my hair as I turned around to face my friends. Robyn's eyes had said it all; she was pissed, still. And that somehow prompted me to walk over and talk to her.

After my second throw, I went back to lean against the ball racks. That way I could sneak a peek her way again. It seemed she was with her family and that immediately tore down my determination to walk over; I couldn't ruin this moment for her.

Yet again, I found my friends gawking at me as I glanced back. "Oh shit, is it my turn?"

Evan chuckled. "Duh!"

Julie had her arms crossed over her chest in protest to the disfavouring situation that was Robyn being in the same air space and I couldn't help but find it funny. Chris cheered me on this time and I managed a good throw. A strike, even. Evan snapped his fingers and I did a cheerful clap. 

"Dang it! It's better when you got your head in space- that way we'd win."

Plastering on a fake smile, I flipped him off, and he bumped into me jokingly. Julie was still pouting but succeeded in another strike, making all of us cheer her on in her second throw.

We took a quick break and as the boys walked off to buy sodas, Julie practically barged straight to me. "What are the fucking odds! Have you spoken to her since…?" 

I shook my head no and she let her guard down a bit. "I can imagine she's still pissed." She scoffed, glancing past me.

"Then you should be smart and not stare at her." I went to take a seat again and Julie followed, dismissing what I'd just said.

"Did I tell you I met Dylan yesterday- oh, and the day before yesterday" Wiggling her eyebrows, her bad mood suddenly seemed whisked away.

Tilting my head, I arched a brow. "Uh- no, you did not tell me that! How'd it go?" 

"We took a walk around the neighborhood- it's nice since we don't live too far from each other."

I could see in her eyes as her mind drifted off to somewhere far away and I smirked, leaning in.

"Are you telling me these walks are occasional?" 

"Mmhh- yeah, you could say that. That one time you saw us outside King Soopers, we bought bagels and had them on the rocks just beside his house. And let me tell you… the view was-" She gestured a chef's kiss and I burst out in a chuckle.

"So- first base?" 

"Oh, no- nothing like that. He's way too shy for that. I don't wanna make him uncomfortable. I just managed to make him laugh the other day and that’s one huge improvement." 

"Yeah, he doesn't really come off as the boldest of the bold."

She shook her head, smiling genuinely. "See, that's what I find so interesting- most guys just wanna get their hands down your pants and he's like… not showing the slightest interest in that."

"Except for that look he gives you sometimes."

"Yeah, but it's not like he's leering...?"

I thought about it for a second. Dylan was shy, but his eyes were honest. "You're right. He's not." 

"Dude, Eric looks at you like he could eat you up!" 

Evan faked a cough behind us to help to round up our rather private conversation and I could feel my cheeks burn up at the sight of him and Chris as Julie and I snapped our eyes at them. Chris rested his eyes on me for a second longer than he wanted, it seemed, as he awkwardly averted his eyes when I glanced at him.

"Stop prying, idiot!" Julie berated jokingly, swinging her hand at Evan, clearly baffled she'd been caught off guard.

Evan chuckled. “Dude, that’s on you!’’

"We should finish the game," Chris advised in a flat tone and Evan agreed.

And so we did. Chris and I won, pushing him in a way better mood. We celebrated with popcorn and a movie at my house after. My Mom was ecstatic to see Evan for the first time in years, and Julie secretly swooned over my brother. Chris didn't look too comfortable being in my house for the first time.

"Give me some support here- Kris is like Helena in male form, and guys," She purposely turned to Chris and Evan. "You can't possibly deny how attractive that is."

I swore I could see a tint of red in Chris's cheeks as he was made to confess and Evan just laughed, shaking his head. "You're right- let me go downstairs and tongue kiss him right now."

Julie and I winced. "Ewww!" 

"Okay can we stop talking about my brother being hot, it's disgusting." 

"But wait! Evan basically just said he'd tongue kiss Helena." 

Evan shrugged casually, chuckling, glancing at me as a friend. "Remember that time in preschool? That was fun." 

I joined him in laughter, shielding my face with my hand. "Oh, god!"

Julie beamed, shifting her eyes between us. "What am I missing!"

"We were each other's first kiss. For some reason, we thought it'd be a good idea to try making out as 11-year-old’s. That was a whole mess." Evan and I were still cracking up, leaving Julie and Chris dumbfounded as they couldn't relate to the inside joke. "I'm happy you're still my friend after that." Evan leaned in to give me a playful nudge and we exchanged another platonic glance. Julie looked like she wasn’t going to forget about that information for a while.

Her Dad paged her to get home at 10:30 and that called for me driving Evan and Chris home as well. Julie lived in the complete opposite direction and Evan lived close to me so I figured I'd drive them.

Chris being so quiet all evening had me in an unsettled mood, but to be fair, he wasn't much of a talker.

Evan and Chris kept low conversation as we took a sharp turn for his street, and the tires slipped a little.

"Ah shit, don't get any ideas now." Evan pleaded, aiming a finger at me, ready to grab on for dear life if I happened to be in the mood.

I exhaled a laugh. "Relax, bud. Too tired for that tonight." 

"You guys are always talking in code, I swear." 

Evan looked back at Chris. "This girl right here is a mean drifter. Especially on ice, and she has me shitting bricks every time."

Chris's face bloomed into an impressed smile in the rearview mirror. "No way! That's so neat, Helena. You should show me sometime. I could bring my car too."

Evan was reminded. "Ah, yeah. Chris likes drifting too." 

This had me interested, but also hesitant. Eric was the reason for that hesitation. "Yeah, that’d be fun!"

After dropping them off at Evan's, I drove straight home. I wanted to use the new video recorder I'd been given for Christmas.

On Christmas Eve I'd recorded snippets of the tree and the outside of the house, catching the decorations on video for memory purposes. Kris had been all up in the lens and Mom had shielded herself with a pillow as I shifted the camera to her. Dad had just stared into the lens in a very 'Dad way', causing a laughing commotion among us.

Taking a last shot of Figaro, I turned the camera off and placed it on my desk. I’d lit some scented candles in my room, now smelling like a bakery shop. Walking around my room, I stopped to have a closer look at the photo pinned to the bulletin board above the desk of Julie, Eric, Dylan, Evan, and me on Halloween. I’d looked at it a million times by now, but my smile only grew wider each time as I looked at Eric, leaned in inches away from me, wearing a big smile of his own.

The phone almost caused me to have heart failure as it shrieked from the floor. I wasn’t late with walking over to pick up the receiver.

“Helena.”

_“Geez, only hearing your voice makes me smile like hell. How was your day?’’_

“Well, now it’s nice to hear your voice too. My day was good. How was yours?’’ 

I laughed, making him laugh as well. The vibrating feeling of being completely lovestruck spread like ripples inside me.

_“Alright but not too eventful. I’ve been longing to give you a call. We’ve been hiking in the mountains all day and I seriously couldn’t stop thinking about you.’’_

My cheeks were already cramped from smiling. “Eric,’’

_“That’s me.’’_

I snorted, biting into my bottom lip. “I miss you- like a lot.’’ 

_“Can you tell I miss you too? I think I’ve called every day since I left. Hopefully I’m not bothering you too much.’’_ He ended the sentence with a timid chuckle as if a few days apart had already made him unsure of my feelings for him.

“No way, Eric. How was the hike though? Did you call me earlier?’’

_“Uh- no, this is my first call today.’’_ He paused to chuckle again. _“The hike was great. The mountains are real cool up here - we should go someday.’’_

“I’d love that! Really, really love that.’’

_“What did you do today? You went bowling, right? I think you told me you were going.’’_

“Yep. Julie, Evan, Chris and I went to Belleview and guess what? I saw Robyn.’’ I bulged my eyes as I said her name, living through the excitement to tell him about it.

The line went quiet for a minute.

“Hello...?’’

_“Yeah, I’m here, sorry. Uh-’’_

“What’s going on?’’

More silence. 

_“That Chris guy- is he a friend of yers?’’_ Eric’s gleeful tone was changed for an apprehensive one.

The penny finally dropped and I inhaled a long, deep breath. “We’re not really close. Not like me and Evan but sure, he’s a friend. Shit- did I forget to mention him last night?’’

_“I believe you did.’’_

“Well in that case I’m very sorry, I can imagine that comes off as weird to you- I’m not trying to keep things from you if that’s what you think.’’

_“Alright- just making sure.’’_

“I get it, Eric, I do.’’

He cleared his throat, unmistakably drawing the line for that subject. _“So Robyn, huh? Did you get a chance to talk to her?’’_

Wetting my lips, I closed my eyes to brush off the last minute’s suspense. “Uh- no. She was there with family I think, so it didn’t feel like the best moment to have that conversation. She looked pretty pissed though.’’

_“Yeah, I bet so. She hasn’t called or talked to Dylan either. I talked to him yesterday.’’_

“Shit. This wasn’t meant to happen.’’

Eric only hummed for an answer and I suspected he wouldn’t wholly let go of my mistake for the rest of the phone call. I was reminded of Halloween and the scene he’d caused that night about me talking to that dude in the kitchen. I wet my lips, writing down a mental note to myself that I’d have to talk to him about this when he got back.

_“Alright, I have to get off the phone. Do you still want me to come over tomorrow- when I get back?’’_

I furrowed my brow. “Eric, we’ve planned you would- of course I want you to come over!’’

_“Alright, good. I’ll see you tomorrow. Can’t wait.’’_ His tone was steadier now, assured, and I imagined I could hear him smirk.

“I’ll hug you to death- just a head’s up,’’ Both laughing, we wrapped up the phone call and hung up.

I sighed again, scooting over to sit back against the bed. I couldn’t even bother standing up from the floor as my thinking took over. I’d surely made a bad mistake by not mentioning Chris, though Eric expressing jealousy wasn’t new to me. However, it was unnecessary to fuel it.

Evening matured into late night and I went to bed around 1 AM after spending hours on the computer searching the internet for random information. The overthinking kept me awake, having me twist and turn in bed as if that would give me answers to my questions somehow. Had Eric shown any interest in hunting since he bought the guns? He did have a certain interest in weird stuff, but didn’t we all? But still, I didn’t own a damn gun. The thought still made me aggravated. Did his parents know? His Dad was in the Air Force, so that was a possibility.

Groaning, I turned over on my stomach again, pressing a pillow over my head. Maybe that would silence the thoughts.

I don’t remember when, but eventually, I fell fast asleep.

**

**December 30th.**

I was so nervous about Eric coming over, especially with my brother present in the house. Either he’d embarrass me or do something seriously stupid. Fun time, my brother Kris.

My Mom was cooking a meal for us all to eat when Eric got here and Dad kept busy shoveling the driveway. Fresh snow had fallen during the night and wrapped the neighborhood into a white, fuzzy blanket. Walking downstairs, meeting Dad rednosed and drenched in sweat in the hallway, I snorted. 

“You should work out more, Dad.’’

In a grumpy mood, he shot his eyebrows to his forehead as he took the outerwear off. “Ha! You wanna go out there and do it yourself? It’s dang bust-up, I’ll tell you.’’ 

Him swearing made me freeze in motion to study him for a second and then Kris emerged from the basement, eyeing us both. “Damn Dad, did you finally work out for the first time in 30 years?’’

Exhaling a subdued grunt, Dad let his head fall forward. “Alright, alright, point taken. I’m old and in need of exercise.’’

I laughed and Kris frowned at Dad, entirely missed out on what I’d said before he showed. “That’s dramatic.’’ He passed me by on his way to the kitchen and I stepped aside to avoid his hand ruining my hair for the millionth time.

“Helena, do you know what time he’ll be here?’’ Mom called from the kitchen and my eyes shot to the clock above the door frame.

“Around 1:30- he’s usually on time.’’ 

“I second that. He’s very precise that boy.’’ Dad continued, glancing at me with loving eyes. I knew what he was talking about; if Eric said he’d call back a certain time if I wasn’t home, he did. And not a minute later.

Time vanished and at 1:29, there was a knock on the door. We’d already seen him arrive as he drove by outside, causing my heart rate to increase in speed by tenfold. I was at the door in a flash and finding him standing on the other side, already wearing a content smile, he made me lunge forward to lock him in a hug.

Responding to the embrace, he chuckled right by my ear, having me squeeze him even harder. 

“You weren’t kidding!’’

Taking a step back to have a look at his face, I leaned in and kissed him. As he broke the kiss first, face paled and eyes glued to a point behind my back, I understood we had an audience. Three pairs of curious eyes peered at us and Eric and I joined them inside the foyer. 

Dad denoted how good it was to see him and Mom was quick to reach for a genuine handshake, welcoming him appropriately. Then Eric turned to Kris and they introduced themselves to each other in an awkward encounter, both being agonizingly new to the situation though Kris seemed way more sure of himself based on his smug demeanor. I stared him down as he wiggled his eyebrows at me.

“Food is waiting for us in the kitchen already so make yourself at home, Eric, and come eat- Kris would you help me set the plates?’’ 

Wiggling off his jacket, Eric reached for a hook. “It sure smells amazing, Mrs. Beck-’’ Eric cut himself short, snapping his eyes at both me, Dad, and Mom as his face drained of color.

Mom’s smile reached her eyes. “Call me Agneta, and I hope you like Swedish food cause we’re having meatballs.’’

Obtaining some confidence in my Mom’s casual approach, he seemed to loosen up, shifting his posture. “Anything with meat is great.’’ He assured, sticking to my side, smiling. He glanced at me as we moved to the kitchen, and I sneaked a hand in his, giving it a light squeeze. His rosy cheeks revealed he was far from comfortable yet he squeezed back before we both retracted our hands.

“So, Eric- how was your Christmas? And how are your parents doing?’’ Mom smiled over her shoulder, preparing the feast. Kris had his arms full of plates, forks and knives, moving towards the dining room to set the table. Oh, we were going all out tonight. Having dinner in the dining room was a rare happening now when only Dad and I lived here.

“Christmas was great. We celebrated it at my aunt Karen’s house in Fort Collins this year and that’s always nice. Wayne and Kathy are doing good- they told me they’re very excited to see you after so many years.’’

I admired him for speaking so loud and clear despite the pressing situation of being around my whole family for the first time. Deep down, he had a dose of solid confidence, and it showed. 

This hit home as Mom rejoiced. “I am very excited as well- you’ll have to tell them that. It’s been so long!’’

Dad and I looked at each other, smiling as Eric focused solely on the conversation with my Mom, engaged in making a good impression. Kris emerged from the dining room, glancing at Eric and us.

“Table’s ready.’’ 

Dad clapped his hands together, rubbing them. “Perfect. Eric, Helena- please have a seat and we’ll be right out. Kris-’’ Waving at Kris for help, Dad started roaming around the kitchen for pot coasters. 

I was already on my way when I stopped to look back at Eric who lingered in his steps. “Are you sure there’s no need for any help?’’

“Eric- that’s very considerate of you but you’re the guest here. No help needed.’’ Mom guaranteed and I tried not to smile too hard as Eric answered with a nod, walking towards me.

Right as we were both out of sight from curious eyes, I pushed against him to kiss him again, and this time, he responded heavily, wrapping his arms around me. The kiss didn’t last long though, and I could understand he was under stress about someone seeing us; I was too. Wetting his lips as I pulled away, I did the same to taste him on my lips. His lips were parted and his gaze had somewhat changed as a result of our kiss. Exhaling a fazed chuckle, he cleared his throat. “Can we sit down?’’

A quick smirk flashed across my face. “We can.’’

Getting seated next to each other, Eric peered at me. “Robyn called me today.’’

I thumped down on the chair harder than intended, darting my eyes at him. “What?!’’

Eric scooted closer to the table, lowering his voice. “Yep. She wanted to give me a head’s up. About you.’’ He snorted to let me know he was somewhat amused by that fact. “She told me she’d seen you at Belleview, hanging out with Evan, Julie, and some random guy. To her it’d looked like a date, but I know it wasn’t so-’’ He glanced at me. “Seems she’s turned on you now too.’’ 

My face was twisted in disbelief. “Wha-why would she… what!’’ I had to exhale a laugh. “So instead of answering my last five calls, she calls you to make me look- I don’t know- like a cheater?’’

Eric seemed to be swaying between believing Robyn and trusting me as he shrugged, face contorting in a half-smile. “I don’t know, I thought it was weird too. I had no idea how to respond to her except for telling her she should talk to Dylan instead of wasting her time on assumptions.’’

Just as I was to answer, I was cut short by Kris entering the room along with my parents, and I had to sit back in the chair, softening my frown the best I could.

Dinner started and the uncomfortable ambiance eased as time progressed. Kris was being unusually quiet at first, though he put Eric on the spot with questions from time to time, making me want to stab a fork in his hand. I was so nervous for Eric, and also for my family to act normal that I couldn’t focus on tasting the food but Eric seemed to handle it all smoothly. Mom asked a million questions as well, except they weren’t mortifying. Dad had already interrogated Eric enough during the past months thus he was the only one to hold a relaxed conversation and even crack jokes.

“I heard you play Doom. That’s cool,’’ Kris nodded, focusing his eyes on Eric. “What levels do you play? Any customs?’’

“Uh- yeah I usually play customs. And sometimes my own.’’

Kris stopped chewing. “Your own?’’ 

“Yeah, he designs them.’’ I filled in, recognizing the pride that gave me. Eric glanced at me, a smirk twitching in the corner of his lips.

Approval transformed Kris’s face as he continued chewing, shifting his eyes between us. “I’ll be damned- that’s impressive.’’

Eric curved a satisfied smile, leaning in to place his elbows on the table. “Thanks. Do you play?’’ 

Kris’s overweening attitude appeared to have toned down a few notches as he played around with a piece of carrot on the plate. “Eh, sometimes.’’

Silence followed and I nibbled on my lip to hide a grin.

At the end of dinner, Eric seemed well warmed up to my family as he tuned into our jokes with witty comebacks. I could tell by the look of Mom, she was already taking a liking to him. The mood was great, and we helped clean off the table before Eric and I moved to my room.

Behind a closed door, at last, Eric wrapped his arms around my waist from behind, nuzzling into my neck. “I’ve missed this.’’ He whispered, stirring a whirlpool of reactions inside me. I turned around to look him in the eye, tasting his lips again, and again. 

“But your brother’s somewhat of an ass,’’

Scoffing and closing my eyes, I placed my head on his chest. “God, I’m so sorry about that. There’s nice in him too, sometimes.’’ I gazed up at him again and he peered at me with raised brows.

“I wanna say I bet so but I think I’ll wait.’’

“You know I’ve never had a guy over for dinner, right? That was like- my boyfriend.’’

“Seriously?’’

“Dead serious.’’ I retracted a few inches from his embrace to emphasize. “And I think that’s why he’s being extra weird. That’s no excuse though, he shouldn’t act like that.’’ I pulled away to go sit on my bed and Eric followed.

“I’ve never had a girl over either. For dinner, that is. As a girlfriend.’’ 

I smiled. “That is still so weird to me.’’

Eric laid down on his side. “How is that weird?’’

“Look at you- you’re hot.’’

The lop-sided smirk wasn’t enough to hide his flushed cheeks as he got up to crawl closer to me. Inches away from my face, he bored intense eyes into mine. “If I’m hot then what the heck are you? You're way outta my league, that's for damn sure.’’

I could feel my heart flutter as I glanced down at his lips. “Shit- you never fail to make my heart race.’’

He chuckled before pressing his lips against mine. Pinned against the headboard and his lips, reactions made themselves known again as the kiss deepened this time and I acted accordingly by placing my hands on his cheeks, tracing his sharp features.

He pulled away. “Do you know why I wanted to sit down before?’’

“Uh- I… back pains?’’

He snorted, wetting his lips. “Are you calling me old? No. That wasn’t it.’’

My face went blank before I chuckled. “Wait, did you-? Oh god. I’m so sorry.’’ Not feeling sorry at all, I covered my mouth with my hand.

“Yep. I was scared shitless your parents would walk in too. That’d be quite the start; oh hi, yeah, I’m the dude with the hard-on- can I date your daughter? Pssh.’’

I couldn’t stop giggling. “Oh my god, Eric! And now I’m laughing.’’

His brows were raised high as he observed me, now cracking up. “Yeah. You’re the devil. Can you imagine? That was some advanced anxiety right there.’’

My answer was a giggly kiss and Eric responded by grabbing me by the waist, hauling me down on my back so he could lean over me, supporting himself with his arms. He evolved his confidence to a higher level as he raised my legs for me to lock around him as he lowered himself on top of me. “Too heavy?’’

At first, I gawked at him, taking him in, calming down my sprinting heart. Then I started smiling, tracing my finger down the bridge of his nose. “I can’t breathe but that’s alright.’’

Concern overtook his face and I chuckled. “I’m kidding!’’

Snorting, he started smirking. “Still can’t believe I’m dating a comedian. So cool.’’ Playfully sticking out my tongue at him, I admitted his sarcasm and he chuckled right back at me.

As my smile faded, there was a change in Eric’s face as well. “You’re thinking about something.’’

I closed my eyes, amused he could read me like that. “I guess you’re right.’’

“Wanna tell me?’’

Biting my lip, I found his eyes anxiously latched on me as I opened mine again. “Do you trust me?’’

“I’d say so, yeah.’’ 

“Just say so, or do you really?’’

He wet his lips. “I’m not implying I don’t trust you- just in general. I have a hard time trusting people in general.’’

I smiled vaguely. “I understand.’’

“Why are you asking?’’

“I thought about me not telling you about Chris, and how that was such a stupid mistake. I put myself in your shoes and I know I’d be so suspicious. I guess what I’m saying is- I wanna apologize again and also understand where you’re coming from.’’

He blinked, tensing his jaw. “You wanna know why I don’t trust people?’’

I realized I didn’t have the right tools to lead this conversation to where I wanted, so I simply nodded.

“Alright,’’ He sighed as he got more comfortable. ‘’First off- my anger overpowers me at times. I’ve had some treatment for it, and I’m better than I used to be,’’ He paused to glance at me. ‘’School is another thing- people rip on me a lot, or at least used to. Junior year was hell.’’

I kept quiet, offering him time.

“Then there’s you.’’ My heart skipped a beat. ‘’The feelings I have for you sets off emotions that are hard for me to sort- both good and bad. I’m going on a hunch here, but I wanna say you’re referring to my trust for you by my previous reactions- the one on Halloween standing out the most, I guess.’’ He wet his lips. “I know that was weird of me to react the way I did- it’s hard to control. The reaction just explodes out of me.’’ He huffed. ‘’Feels like I’m making up bullshit excuses.’’

“No. It makes sense, Eric. Trust takes time, and that’s not a bad thing. I’m happy you’re even telling me this cause I can understand it’s a huge deal for you.’’ 

Taking his face in my hands, I reached to place my lips on his and we stayed locked in the kiss for a while, Eric releasing a long breath through his nose.

We parted and I placed my hand in his hair. “I want you to know that I stand by your side and I’ll never leave.’’ I finished the sentence by smiling, adding a shrug. “That’s just the way it is.’’

He blinked to show he’d heard me but averted his eyes to shield himself. “You’re one of few who I think is a really good person. I don’t believe in religious crap but I keep wanting to call you an angel- you’re that special.’’

“Eric, I’m not an angel for listening to you. That’s what you do if you care about someone.’’

Raising his brows, he smirked. “So as I was saying…’’

I rolled my eyes, snorting. “Oh come on,’’

A knock on the door kicked us both into shock and Eric practically flew off of me. I darted up to a sitting position as well, correcting my shirt and pants. 

“Helena, it’s time.’’ 

We shot our eyes at each other as we knew that was the cue for Eric to leave. “Okay, Dad,’’ I confirmed, watching his shadow disappear from the door gap as he was intuitively pleased with the response. Both of us knew the drill.

“Tomorrow’s New Year’s Eve,’’ Eric smiled jovially as we stood to our feet, moving into an embrace. Placing my head on his chest, his words vibrated against my ear. “Are you excited? I know I am. It's gonna be great having you there."

I squeezed him a little. "It's gonna be a lot of fun I bet!" Then I stepped out from his arms to peer up at him.

"Do I pick you up here or at Julie's?" 

"I'll be going to Julie's early morning tomorrow to help her with her hair so if you want, you pick us both up there." 

"Her hair?"

"Yeah, it's a secret." 

Tilting his head, he narrowed his eyes. "If she goes bald tomorrow, don’t expect me to drive her."

I burst out chuckling. "Why would she go bald?!" 

"You never know. Girls use a lot of weird stuff in their hair." Eric cackled, leaning in for a kiss. 

Every time we stood like this, and he brushed his hands up my hair, my knees threatened to give away. Every inch of my skin was evoked in a quivering tickle, and I knew he felt the same just by hearing the sound of his breaths becoming heavier. 

And just like that, we always knew when to stop right before we lost the battle. A glimpse of thought as to why we hadn't done it yet went through my head as I studied his face, lips puffy and pupils dilated. What stopped us?

"I wanna have sex with you so bad, Eric," I whispered, holding back a smile.

His eyes shifted over my face, blinking, a startled smirk growing on his lips. "Like right now?!"

Hushing him with my hand over his mouth, I released a suppressed chuckle. “No! Now is probably not the best idea.’’

His face relaxed in a chuckle. “No kidding.’’ He took my hand in his. "Come on- let's get downstairs before your Dad comes back up here."

Down in the foyer, Mom came rushing from the living room to wave him off, telling him it'd be nice to see him again on January 5th for dinner. Dad was already with us, sparking a short conversation with Eric about the Broncos. Kris yelled goodbye from the basement which seemed to get on both my parents’ nerves judging by their faces, but Eric didn't seem to care.

I followed him outside to his car, realizing I’d began growing a hard time separating from him. Without the presence of parents, we had time to said goodbye more properly.

Getting inside the car, Eric left the car door open, left foot still resting on the pavement. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Seven pm at Julie’s. Was Evan coming er…?’’

“He wasn’t sure. He was torn between hanging with Chris and us, and Chris didn’t wanna go so,’’ I shrugged, changing stance and crossing my arms, heating myself from the cold. 

A brief frown flashed on Eric's face. “Alright. I don’t think I’ll drink tomorrow so I could probably pick him up if there’s any change of plans.’’

Tilting my head a little, I decided to not acknowledge he wasn’t drinking. “I’ll call and tell him that.’’ Walking up close, I bent down to kiss him, and then we both smirked as our eyes met. 

‘’You’re the angel, Eric.’’

Exhaling a chuckle, his smirk grew wider. “Do I look like one to you?’’ 

Glancing down at his black clothes, I cocked a brow. “You’re just wearing this for disguise. You can’t fool me.’’

“Oh- for sure, but hey,’’ He settled another quick kiss on me. “Don’t tell anyone though.’’

After a final goodbye, I watched him drive down the street before I had to give in to the cold biting at my skin. Anticipation was brewing in my stomach at the thought of tomorrow and I ran up the stairs a little bit too enthusiastically, accidentally stubbing my toe on the last step. Figaro berated me for scaring him with a loud meow, and I made up for it by bringing him with me as I brushed my teeth and went to bed.

Curled up beside a purring radiator, mind already drifted off to tomorrow’s events, I fell fast asleep.


End file.
